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The Bandits were absolutely going to get caught. They stood in the middle of the caravan park and looked in awe at the most glorious Christmas tree one Christmas bandit would ever love. Donnie gave Frankie a look ,and he absolutely knew what that meant: they have their next target.
They stalked the tree, Donnie taking the front while Frankie moved to the back. the tree was massive– at least four Donnies tall– and very ornately decorated. The more they studied the tree, the harder it seemed it would be to carry it off inconspicuously, at least on their own. Luckily they knew a guy. Well, two guys. They've made a couple of friends, even if they're somewhat strange. Plus, they might be interested in the caravans of this rival caravan park.
"Frankie," Donnie whispered, "We gotta ask em."
Frankie sighed. They hadn't seen them in a second, but this was their best shot.
“Do you have their number still?”
“I think so…?” Donnie scrolled through all of his contacts (which wasn’t saying much; he had like, four contacts) until he found the unlabeled phone number that simply had to be theirs. “….I don’t wanna talk to them.”
“This was your idea–”
“I don’t like phone calls, Frankie–!”
“Okay, okay, give me the phone.”
Frankie took the modest Nokia phone and pressed call, the phone ringing three times before a familiar voice rang from the other side of the phone.
"Yesssssss?"
"Fullset, Lots. We got a proposition for ya."
"A Proposition? Hmmmmm? Brotheeeeeeer they have a propositionnnn."
Frankie realized how that sounded and immediately regretted saying that word. "Fuck, I meant I got a buisness Proposition."
"Oh. Yessssss? You have Caravanssss?"
“Sorta. We’re in a caravan park–”
Suddenly, Lots. “You’re outside?!”
“No– We’re… Actually. I don’t know where we are. But theres a lot of caravans, and a tree. If you come help us get this tree out of here, you can do… whatever it is you do with these things.”
The line was uncomfortably silent for a moment. “I wasn’t listening, what did he say?”
“He found more caravans for usss.”
“If you help with the tree.”
“Why does the tree need help???”
“Is it broken??”
“Oh, poor tree…”
“What– no, it’s just too big for us to carry.”
“I’m good at carrying! Very good!”
“Okay, so you’re gonna help us?”
“Yesss!”
And with that, the line very suddenly went dead. Frankie looked at the phone in confusion as well as a bit of frustration. "Alright Donnie, they're coming over 'ere, no idea how since I didn't give them an address or anythin' but, I guess they'll be here?"
Out of absolutely nowhere, a bright green caravan rounded the corner with two very familiar faces ecstatically looking at this camp like it was Christmas.
“That was…. really fast.”
“Uh huh.”
“Aren’t they British? How’d they drive here?”
“I honestly don’t question it anymore.”
Before the vehicle even fully stopped, Fullset, who was at the wheel, bolted out of the drivers side of the vehicle and bear tackled Frankie in a hug. Which, Frankie didn't completely didn't mind, but was absolutely confused about.
"Hellllooo Frankie and Donnie. Where is this treee?" Lots finished parking and came out and joined his brother.
“Right in front of your face, pal.”
Fullset turned around. “Ohhhhhh!”
“Yeah, its huge, ain’t it?”
“It’s enormous!”
“And green!”
“Such a pretty green!”
“Almost as pretty as you, brother!”
“But not nearly as pretty as you!”
And then, they were yelling into each other’s mouths again. Donnie shook his hand, like trying to flick off drops of water, and looked at Frankie with a grimace.
“Don’t look at me like this was my idea!” he hissed back.
Donnie looked somewhat offended for being called out like that, and gave Frankie a pout. "You and I both know that they're the only two that would be willing to help. Reggie wouldn't do shit," he hissed back.
The caravan brothers finally stopped yelling at each other. Lots heard the end of Reggie wouldn't do shit and looked confused. "Why wouldn't Reggie do shittt? Don't we alll shit?"
"I don'ttt, brotherrr," Fullset stated. "Ever since I was in the ground, I haven't needed to."
"Yess, but other people need to shittt."
“Can we just focus on the task at hand?!”
“Task at hand??? Why are we tasking my hands??? My full set of hands??”
“THE TREE!”
"Righhhht, the tree."
"Yessss, the tree."
The two caravan hutch brothers stalked around the tree for a moment before looking at the roots underneath.
"This tree is aliveeeee," Fullset pointed at the roots. "How are weee going to take it out?"
At that very moment, the dark surroundings lit up as it suddenly became very clear that the owner of this caravan park was about to check out the area, "Oh, fuck me," Frankie murmured.
Donnie, on the other hand, said his explicative out loud, "Um, fuck. Frankie, that's the owner!"
Lots and Fullset quite literally hissed at the sudden brightness.
Frankie grabbed Donnie by the elbow and pulled him behind the nearest caravan– a terrible hiding place, but some cover was better than no cover.
Frankie looked out to the two caravan brothers, and considered for a moment just leaving them there to get caught. They weren't exactly the most inconspicuous people, but… He sighed. Despite not necessarily liking the two, he couldn't have them go to jail on his watch. Frankie quickly darted from the hiding spot and grabbed the two brothers by the back of their shirts. He made a gesture to shush, and luckily the two of them understood. Although, they both kept their fingers up to their lips.
Before long, they heard the sound of boots crunching through gravel. Donnie tensed up, clearly incredibly nervous. Frankie put an arm around his brother and turned to look at the other pair, who appeared to have not even moved an inch. If Frankie didn’t know better, he’d think they were hiding with corpses.
The footsteps drew closer, then suddenly stopped.
Frankie made sure to slow down his breathing, trying to remain as undetectable as he could. The Caravan Hutch didn't even look like they were breathing. Maybe they were actually really good at this?
The person with the heavy boots sighed. "Damn raccoons again, Jamie. It's them fucking damn raccoons!" Just as quickly as those footsteps came, they retreated, causing a sigh of relief to escape from Frankie and Donnie.
“Hear that, Frankie? We’re raccoons!”
“Yep, we’re raccoons.” Frankie stood up, his knees creaking slightly. “What are we gonna do about the tree, though? We can’t take it if it’s in the ground–”
“Things can come out of the ground!” Fullset exclaimed, suddenly standing right behind the bandits. “I came out of the ground!”
Both new yorkers positively jumped out of their skins. “Jesus fucking– Don’t do that!” Donnie yelled, before immediately being shushed by Frankie.
Lots simply stood up and nodded. "Yess, my brother did come out of the ground. So the treee must be able to get out of the ground toooo."
Frankie didn't exactly understand what Fullset meant by he came out of the ground, but he learned by now not to question the Caravan Hutch. H looked to Donnie, then back at them. "Do you two have a plan?"
The two stared blankly at him. “….How did I come out of the ground, brother?”
“You were gone for a few days, and when you came back, there was dirt all over you.”
Frankie put his head in his hands. “Oh, my God.”
“No nooooo, the other time?”
"Oh yesss, the other time, yesss. Well. The other time, we had to use shovels and our bare hands."
"Oooh, yess, I loved it when you pretended to be a bear and dug me out of my graveeee."
Frankie could feel Donnie and himself getting uncomfortable, so he quickly interrupted, "So, you used shovels. Do you have them?"
“Why would we halve our shovels?? They work so much better whole.”
“Frankie, its gonna take like a million years to dig up a tree like that!”
"Fuck, you're right. Maybe there's some sort of axe around? I doubt these two would have one?"
"An axeee? Brotherrrr, do we have an axxeeee?"
"Frankie, we almost got caught for being too loud earlier, how in the fuck are we gonna use an axe?"
Frankie sighed. “I think this one might just be a bust, Donnie.” He hated to give up on a good target, but to be blunt, he was genuinely out of ideas.
Donnie didn't like the idea of just quitting either, but he sighed and agreed. Until Lots pulled a stick of TNT out of his pocket. "Would thissss help?"
"Where in the fuck–?"
"It didn't comeee from a truck, it came from my pockettt."
Frankie figured Lots must have had a secret in his pocket, because there was absolutely no way he just had that. He nodded. "Yeah... Yeah, I got an idea."
“An ideaaaa!”
“Frankie, what–”
Frankie placed the explosive at the base of the tree and pulled out a box of matches.
“Frankie-?! How is this supposed to not get us caught?!”
"We blow it up on this side, it falls on one of the caravans, and we take that caravan. You remember how to hotwire, right?"
"Shit, yeah. Fuck."
"I also know how to hotwireee!" Fullset smiled and followed Donnie as the two of them raced to a caravan.
"Alright, Lots, cover your ears. We're gonna have to be quick about this. You might wanna get in your caravan."