Chapter Text
The leader of the Jiang sect has never been an easy person to deal with, because he has a headstrong character, a hardened heart, and a very closed mind. That is probably the first impression anyone would have of the serious and temperamental man who, like a phoenix, rebuilt the Yunmeng Jiang sect from its very ashes.
At least, that has been the impression that he has always given to the world for many years, especially these last thirteen in which all his focus has been on hunting down any demonic cultivator he could find, cleansing the land of the aberration that robbed him of his family, his sister... and indeed, that also robbed him of his stupid martial brother in the process.
Despite having had great participation in the upbringing of the young master Jin, his image of hardness had never once softened. Not even when he carried his nephew in his arms back when he was still a chubby toddler, did Jiang Cheng show weakness. Although, he even seemed much stronger and more hostile, making it clear that anyone who approached the last vestige of his family with negative intentions would regret it dearly.
For a long time he had continued being like this, a man quick to anger, who could only express himself comfortably through that fierce feeling. Life had treated him too badly, it was not that he had precisely been a soft-hearted soul either, but... damn it, what kind of karma was he paying? Why when it seemed he was getting out of one tragedy, two or three more came and attacked him? Why when he wanted to surrender, he was suddenly not allowed to do so? Why when he was exhausted, he could not rest like everyone else?
"It is your duty as the sect leader." A voice in his head would usually repeat to him. A voice that sometimes sounded stern and soft, like his father's; other times, firm and decisive like his mother's. But almost always, it was his own disdainful voice that reminded him that he was not allowed to let himself be emotional like any other person.
...The last time he allowed himself that luxury, he threw himself into the wolf's den in order to save his beloved brother's life.
But... at what cost? What good had it really done him? Although living without his golden core was going to make his existence miserable and empty, the only thing that in some way kept him sane was the fact that he had managed to protect Wei Wuxian. Yes... he had. He could be angry, depressed... empty like a shell, but his reckless brother was there, with him. Hadn't he decided that, no matter the cost, he was his priority? That as long as Wei Wuxian stayed with him as his family, things would always turn out well in the end?
That's why he felt stupid when finally, that night on the Lotus Pier, after so many years, he learned the truth, courtesy of a solemn and angry Wen Ning, who told him in detail the painful truth that had been hidden from him during all these years.
Ah... what an idiot he had been. Anger, as always, was the first emotion to blind his senses... but not only that feeling took possession of him that night. Sadness, flowing from his eyes like an endless spring, gushed out of him in spurts, maybe beacuse of all the years in which he had not allowed himself even a flicker of sentimentality.
So what if he was alone? What importance did it have if he was no longer anyone's priority? What did he care if in reality, he had never been important to anyone? Why did the golden core of his brother matter, always accompanying him in his loneliest moments, without he himself not knowing it? Why was it so important if in reality that idiot had never broken his promise, and somehow, had always been by his side, helping him rebuild his sect?
Why?
Why did it hurt so much?
Why was loneliness eating him away so, so deeply?
His mental breakdown was so intense that he needed to enter seclusion, at least for a few days, to be able to untangle those feelings that had exhausted him so much. Jiang Wanyin had never allowed himself to rest, but now, by force, he had to take a little time for himself, because with his mental collapse, he could not concentrate on anything other than how miserable he felt.
He hated this.
He hated it, because spending time alone with himself, meant seeing his own reflection, his actions, his thoughts... his life, and he really didn't like what he saw.
He hated the Jiang Cheng of the past for being so naive and so weak. He hated him for not having enough strength to protect his loved ones when they needed him the most.
He hated the Jiang Cheng of the present with all his heart.
Who knew if there would be a Jiang Cheng in the future to hate as well?
His time in seclusion lasted almost a week. Almost, because he could not stop for longer, due to the ton of pending things he would have to take care of upon his return. And although he had delegated responsibilities to several of his disciples, sect leader Jiang was a perfectionist by nature, who preferred to solve things himself.
However, that move soon proved to be a mistake, because again, in the middle of his busy workday, there he was, feeling like the most miserable being on earth, loved by no one, thinking that the only ones who would care about his absence would be the members of his territory, who depended on him as their only and most competent administrator.
Sect leader Jiang tried to immerse himself as much as possible in his duty to simply ignore what was eating him alive with ever-increasing intensity. Among missives, documents and the like, something suddenly caught his attention: Lan Xichen, sect leader Lan, had entered in seclusion at the same time as him. But unlike him, who had came out almost immediately, driven by his dreadful sense of duty, Lan Xichen had left his uncle and brother in charge of his sect leadership duties until his return.
Jiang Wanyin clicked his tongue, rolling his eyes, thinking about how easy sect leader Lan had it. Unlike him, he had family to rely on in case he didn't feel well enough to work at the head figure of his sect. He not only had a competent uncle, but also a loyal brother. Remembering that he too once had a loyal brother made his stomach churn, and he let out a heavy sigh. Swallowing hard, he looked over the neat calligraphy of Lan Qiren that stood out on the scroll, informing him that from now on and until further notice, the affairs of the Lan sect would be handled by him and Lan Wangji until the true leader decided to return from his seclusion.
For a moment, Jiang Cheng tried to put himself in the Lan sect leader's shoes, an exercise he had never done before, but now contemplated doing since they had both mentally collapsed and decided to enter seclusion. It was a somewhat good idea to try and look at himself from outside as well. He had never been especially close to Lan Wangji's older brother, he had only admired from afar his heroic figure in difficult times, where the light of that cultivator had been an incessant guide to fight against the tyranny of the Wen sect. The First Jade of Lan was a man of many virtues, who had a noble heart and great power to wield. Perhaps his worst flaw was his gentle character, but unlike him and his eternally furrowed brow, everyone seemed to delight in the charming smile of the man in white robes.
Analyzing the facts for a moment, Jiang Cheng remembered the recent events and how they had impacted the Jade. His sworn brother, Jin Guangyao, had turned out to be a person he couldn't recognize anymore. Behind everyone's backs, he had woven the most heartless and cruel plans, he had trampled over several people with the sole desire to make himself the head of the cultivation world. What hurt the most was that the young and smiling former sect leader Jin had been responsible for the murder of his other sworn brother, Nie Mingjue, wickedly twisting one of the sacred teachings of Lan Xichen himself.
How would sect leader Lan feel about it?
Jiang Cheng had never been particularly interested in getting involved in the affairs of others, let alone, the pain of others. He was a more pragmatic person: If something did not benefit him, or his sect, it was not even worth considering. But for a brief moment, the feeling of being betrayed by his brother and the idea that the man in question was hiding many secrets from him, was something he could not help but empathize with. Of course, Wei Ying had not acted maliciously, he was impulsive, yes, and he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, but unlike Guangyao, he had cleared his name. And although his reputation was not the cleanest to begin with, at least he was no longer blamed for all the misfortunes that had occurred in the cultivation world. But still, the feeling of having been stabbed in the back was not difficult to imagine. He even thought that, for Lan Xichen it had to feel even worse, because his own sword had wounded the one he considered a brother, and said brother was now dead.
The lotus could not help but remember the anguish after the events that occurred in Nightless City. How the uncertainty and misery had taken hold of him, as he spiraled in thoughts that his brother had committed an unforgivable sin, and that because of him, his sister was no longer with them. The siege of the Burial Mounds was something he had lived through practically on autopilot. Did the mission at the Guanyin Temple, after the big revelation, feel just as terrible for Lan Xichen?
...Why did he suddenly care so much about this matter?
It had been just a small exercise of empathy, but he regretted having practiced it in the first place, because now he couldn't get out of his head that sect leader Lan was suffering and that no one was able to reach him and pull him out of his own misery.
"...I must be losing my mind." Jiang Wanyin muttered, as he sighed heavily and took an empty scroll to start writing on it.
For the first time in who knows when, he had stopped thinking about his own pain, and his mind had decided to focus on the pain of others. And to top it off, on the pain of someone who wasn't even his direct family. He wrote two letters, one to Lan Qiren, in a formal tone, and another to Lan Xichen... written in a way he was not very familiar with, but which he wanted to use to reach out to Zewu-Jun anyway.
As soon as he sent one of his disciples to deliver the letters for the Lan sect, he felt a wave of regret washing over his body. He quickly shook his head to get rid of that nagging and mortifying feeling. What's done is done. And knowing the First Jade of Lan, either he would give him an polite and distant response, or he would decide to ignore him entirely, if the confinement had taken a toll on his warm and friendly disposition.
Be that as it may, Jiang Cheng decided to bury his pain under the lotus pond again and get to work on his own sect. Not only Yunmeng Jiang, but Lanling Jin needed his support. He was still affected by the fact he could not be present to accompany his nephew at such an important moment like the Jin sect sucession ceremony, but he had accompanied him in spirit, along with the clarity bell he had personally sent for him. Jin Ling may be the leader of the Jin sect, but he still had the blood of Yunmeng Jiang running through his veins and with that gift, he had made clear his support for the recently appointed head figure of Lanling.
Between one thing and another, Jiang Cheng also decided to bury the memory of having written that letter, perhaps out of shame, perhaps out of pride. Perhaps because he had acted on impulsiveness alone. He didn't really know.
But that selective amnesia didn't last long, because his stomach dropped as soon as he saw the emblem of the Gusu Lan clouds on a pair of scrolls, during some random morning in the middle of another week full of paperwork, dilemmas and...
"Holy fucking sh-"