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At first, I didn’t realize how permanent everything would be. When Greg first came around. Humans were gone in a flash, weren’t they? Leading boring, insignificant lives until they finally die. I used to feel the same way - like my whole existence meant nothing. That was until I met Rose. She… Made me feel like I was everything, and I couldn’t begin to tell you how she changed my life. Oh, how I would do anything for her. In a way, that meant letting her go. Then, I was selfish. I still am, and I know it, but when Steven was first born? He needed gems who could protect him. I didn’t want to be that gem.
It was in the morning. The sun had just began breaking over the horizon. From where I stood on the beach, I could hear Rose’s crying and deep breathing, all the way to the temple. She sounded like she was in so much pain, but still so… Happy. Things then fell silent, and stayed that way. I began to worry. Though if I focused, words could be made out about how precious that baby is, how lucky they all are, Amethyst remarking on how "cool" and "gross" it all was. In Rose’s final moments, I couldn’t bring myself to be near her. Maybe I would have made the effort, if I knew just how long a few short years really could be.
A few days later, I would go around them again. I found out that this… Terrible thing’s name was Steven. Upon first seeing his face, and a head full of black, curly hair, all I could do was glare. He was born silent, and even as my animosity filled eyes looked over him, he cooed and smiled back. The first time I felt guilty. Disgusted, even. I wasn’t sure if it was with myself or him.
It was then that I took him in my arms, brow furrowed, peering into him intensely. Steven couldn’t even talk, but. Something felt so very much like Rose. It could have been the love swelling from him, even then, but I was still angry. As he lie in my arms, dozing off, the others went about their business. Garnet and Amethyst retreated to the temple, and despite our history, Greg trusted me with his son while he went to the van for whatever stupid reason. I was too focused on Steven to bother listening as he explained. He was so small, fragile. The longer I held him, the heavier he felt.
For the first time in a long time, I began to cry.
A tear rolled down my cheek, my chin, and onto Steven’s chest. He was beginning to fall asleep but soon looked back up to me. Almost like he understood. Biting my lip, that was also the first time I was careless with him. Because as he looked at me with such warm eyes, I genuinely… Wanted to hurt him. Maybe if - maybe if something happened to him, if he lost his gem, if there was some way for him to reform, then Rose would come back to me. These thoughts only made me cry harder, as I held the baby tightly in my arms. He cooed again, uncomfortable I could imagine, and that was when I realized I actually was hurting him. Pulling myself together, only for a moment, I resolved to leave him at the temple door, in the shade.
He was safer alone than with me.
I heard him start to whine as I entered the temple, and just as he started to cry louder, the doors shut behind me.
A week, maybe. A week went by in a haze as I sat by myself, listening to the pitter patter of the water in my room. As the swords slowly rose into the air, droplets rolling off, I’d let my fingers graze over each blade that I walked by. Some were sharp, others dull and in need of repair. I could empathize. Looking over a saber in the middle of the row, I could only think of Rose. She had a sword like it, and as I took it into my hands, I thought of what a waste it all was. It’s weight settled into my palms, as visions of the war played back. I was poofed countless times, all to protect her. How… I would do anything for her. But now that she was gone? I held the pointed edge of the sword to my gem, my hands shaking. My eyes were cloudy from the tears, as I aligned the sharp end with my gem. Breathing heavily, I reeled my head back, and took a deep breath before I got ready to crack it.
The patter of steps came from beside me, and I’d clutch my sword, turning around to see who the intruder was. It was still hard to see, but with a free hand I’d wipe the tears away when I could tell who it was.
Amethyst stood there for a moment, her eyes wide. Soon enough, however, she’d take on one of her usual expressions. “Pearl - what the heck are you doing?” Walking over, she put her hands on the sword. I held it even tighter, breath stifled as I tried to free it from her hands. But with a grunt, she pried it from my fingers and threw it to the side. It’d skip from the water, and fall over the edge of the plateau. After watching it, as I looked back to her, the clatter of swords falling was impossibly loud behind us. She looked mad, confused. I stood there, covering my mouth as I tried to calm down. “P, no, seriously?” Impatient, she tried to uncover my mouth. I just shook my head. I could never expect her to understand.
Her expression softened, as she looked over me with concern. As I noted the anger fading, my breathing began to calm again. “Come on, let’s go talk to Garnet.” She thumbed to the slope, that lead to the bubble room. That must have been how she got in. I can only imagine Garnet told her to look for me, knowing something would happen. But honestly, I don’t think I could have gone through with it.
“You’re not the only one who misses Rose.”
That same night, with some convincing, we had Greg over. He’d brought a grill, and made hotdogs for everyone. It was pointless, though I suppose overdue. Amethyst and him ate the most, though I could only bring myself to sip at the iced tea. I apologized to Greg for leaving the baby, to which he’d look confused. I glanced around, before Garnet smiled slightly. “Oh - nevermind. It’s nothing.” I said. He’d respond with a shrug, doing a weird sound effect as he fed Steven.
As I watched, he’d smile. “Do you want to try? You just have to make a funny noise and "fly" it to his mouth. It’s pretty fun.”
Glancing to him, then to the other gems, and finally Steven, I decided to take the spoon. “Here cames - ah - the rocket.” I mumbled, sputtering my lips. Amethyst would laugh, as Garnet gave a thumbs up.
Maybe things wouldn’t be so bad.