Chapter Text
How do you tell your family, the people who love you the most your biggest secret. Something you've been holding onto for over 4 years. How do you tell them you've been living a completely different life to what they had expected.
These were the thoughts that had Harry turnover in his sleep. Feeling the weight of the world coming down on him. As he tried to piece together all the times he could have confessed, when he should have blurted it out and told everyone.
Why did it take him till his gran was on her deathbed to finally decide not to chicken out. It had come in a day ago, the news of her falling ill and that it was time to come home and spend time with the family while they spent her last few weeks together.
This wasn't something he had thought would happen as he looked up at the ceiling trying to trace back his steps. It was going to take a lot of explaining, to show up as a stranger to everyone. But love isn't predictable he never thought his life would have turned toward the scary and unknown, showing him bright days and warm nights. “choosing” The harder way in life was never how he thought of it, since this was his exception.
Movement turned his attention to the side as a warm arm moved along his torso up to his ribs. Fingers stroking softly “can't sleep?” The voice had layers of sleep making the words sound gentle and confused.
Nodding as the hand keeping his ribs warm gripped awkwardly at his elbow and pulled. “Come.” The dry sounding voice still sweet as he turned off his back, cheek coming into contact with a sun-kissed chest nuzzling into the soft skin. Covering half the smaller body with his own, leg finding its home tangled between milky thighs.
Lips left impressions on his soul while they dusted their velvet touch over a furrowed brow. Aided by a slow rake of fingers through loose curls. Helping to ease the anxious sense that had caught in his throat ever since he realized that his new life was about to collide with his old life.
Maybe in the morning he could clear his thoughts, as a restless sleep finally found him. Anxious dreams of losing everything, waking up with a hand holding his as he tried to calm a raging heartbeat. Looking down at joined hands, with rings that were nothing special having promised that one day when they were making money they would buy nice ones.
Trying to think of what actually happened now that he had to back step where he had ended up. Think back to where he had broken off from who he was to now. Pulling himself from bed mind still dizzy with thoughts running through. Deciding that maybe a run could help sort out his head.
Early dawn was one of his favorite times, reminding him of staying up all night to watch sunrises at the back of friends cars or along the beach with his best friend at his side. Nights spent with energy drinks and text books trying to remember anything for massive exams.
He could be looking for answers with his marriage in all the wrong places, thinking to the time when they started dating, but it wasn't anything to do with them. Trying to push even further, get deep down to the root that he had never shared this major part of his life. Breathing in crisp morning air, thinking back to what had happened to get him here at this moment.
Chest rising and falling as he pushed sleeves up on the University sweater. He could do this, he could find the answer as to why. Going back to the last time he had ever had his family fully immersed in his world. How could he explain who he was now and how it was ok.
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They had been attached at the hip as soon as she moved a few blocks away and started at his school. She had blistered hands and chubby cheeks, teeth too big for her mouth. It was love, at least that's what he could call it. Admiring her ability to fight with the other boys and wear a backwards cap. She wasn’t anything like the other girls in school, with scraped knees and her brother’s hand-me-downs. She was cool without having to try, and when they had turned 12 she had picked him to be her boyfriend. No one else, and not ever having a girlfriend before he jumped at the chance to be with someone who wanted him, believing with everything that he wanted that too.
Guess he never really had a second thought about it, they were soul mates from what he understood of the word at his young age. Even when he scraped together all his after school job wages to buy a pretty ring for her. It didn’t feel like it wasn’t something he should just do, going along with the plan she had for them. Growing into such a beautiful girl that he hadn’t even noticed till he was seconds from dropping to his knee.
Her hair had grown and cheeks slimmed, Harry wasn’t stupid this is what boys dreamed for, A beautiful girl who wanted nothing else but to spend her life with him. As she nodded her head after he had messed up the proposal by tripping on his two feet, just meters away from where they had first met. Doing everything that he had thought was the right thing to do.
Their parents had been skeptical at first but the small town folk who had raised the two in religious homes had finally agreed it was a good idea. He always thought that this is what you were suppose to do, get married young right out of highschool. And then work and that was happiness.
So after they had finished school just before going to uni, they had gotten married on a hot summer's day. It had meant to be a small wedding, but turned into something more than either of them had been expecting. That had been the peek of their relationship, they had moved into a small apartment. Living in one another’s space, something that Harry hadn’t expected would happen once they were married and living together. What was new and exciting actually becoming a burden. Once cute habits had turned into annoying pet peeves. Realizing fast that they didn’t share as much in common as they thought. And even small differences of how they had been brought up where now stirring up arguments.
Growing up together they had never really been close physically. Not the type to cuddle and cling, even holding hands wasn’t really something she favored. So Harry kept his distance, as space drove them further apart, to the point where they hardly stayed in the same room.
They had talked about it, ever since they were kids. The idea of going to school anywhere other than England. Something about America had always called to Harry, as they finally agreed to start applying. But when it came to getting acceptance letters only he got one from the california university in santa barbara.
Only leading to more fights, it had been her last straw. The once adventurous girl he had married had become a scared kitten the opposite of her once fearless self. It had gotten so bad, that just before their first major holiday together married. Was spent in different places with their respected families.
Since they couldn’t get a divorce because of their families religious views, they had fallen in a window of annulment. A blessing in disguise of the girls lack of intimacy with in part from his own side. Just under 8 months married, they had been wiped clean of the act. Harry couldn’t say anything from her side, since he wasn’t in her head. But he could tell she was disappointed with him as he family had been.
Like a firecracker it had gone off and fizzled out quickly. Nothing left, no hate or anger left between them. Parting one last time from the shared apartment, leaving almost everything with her since he would be working for the next few months before his move to the U.S.
That summer before he left had to be the last time he had kept his family in the loop. Packing up his bags, and standing in the airport saying goodbye to his parents. This was it, this could be the first time he actually made choices and would be in complete control of his life. Boarding that plane Harry had never felt so scared in his life.