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They say your whole life flashes before your eyes when you die.
The movies portray it like a slideshow of your best, worst and most mundane moments. One last dramatic summary of a character's life to further the emotional impact it will have on the audience.
Not for Akechi Goro. Not as they left Maruki’s crumbling palace. Goro can feel it. He’ll disappear along with this place.
In a few moments, he’s going to die.
No. Of all the memories in his head, Goro’s mind seemed fixated on one in particular.
Jazz Jin. Amamiya Ren. Orpheus and Eurydice.
***
It was quieter than usual at Jazz Jin that night. He could hear the singer crooning softly in the background. Could feel the low vibration of the contrabass. Could feel the condensation on his glass slowly but surely seeping through the leather of his gloves. Could see as Ren steals glances at him from behind the cover of his ridiculous, oversized fake glasses.
Goro really did enjoy the nights they stole away to this little bar. Where the two of them could enjoy a moment of respite. They left their cat and mouse game at the door and indulged in each other’s company. He could lie to himself and say they served a purpose in endearing himself to his target. A way to make the Phantom Thief drop his guard.
But he knew it wasn’t necessary. The two of them have been stuck in each other’s orbit since they first met. Something beyond his understanding drew him to Amamiya Ren. Something beyond their roles as The Detective Prince and the Leader of The Phantom Thieves.
What had originally started off as a philosophical debate about Plato’s work The Republic, somehow devolved into a conversation about Diogenes’ critique of Plato’s definition of a human. That ended with Amamiya whipping his phone out and showing a picture of himself holding his very annoyed looking ‘cat’ up on its hind legs and loudly proclaiming “A featherless biped! Behold! A human!”
Goro felt like he was going to burst into flames when the other patrons turned to glare at them for Ren’s little outburst. While he didn’t have to put on airs here, he was still a regular and had a reputation to uphold. The jackass didn’t even seem to care, Ren laughed so hard he started wheezing. Despite his best efforts, Goro couldn’t stop himself from laughing along with him. He did his best to hide it behind his hand.
That then led them to Greek mythology. Specifically, the tale of Orpheus and Eurydice.
Amamiya did seem to prefer discussing mythology over the philosophers themselves. This isn’t the first time the teen has steered their exchanges in that direction. Goro saw the appeal. He could admit there was a more romantic aspect to the legends. Though they were often anecdotal at best, they still offered insights to the minds of men.
Goro removed his hands from his glass and placed them on his lap over crossed legs, “Plato claimed that Orpheus did not truly love Eurydice. If he had he would have followed her into death. Instead, Orpheus is a coward who used his ‘love’ for his wife to challenge and spite the gods.”
Goro came out the gate strong. And he was confident Amamiya stood on the other end of the spectrum, as he so often did. Goro liked to think he was a pragmatist rather than a pessimist. Though the lines between the two are often blurred. Of course, Amamiya Ren was an unwavering optimist.
Thesis and antithesis.
“That’s a bit grim,” Amamiya smiled as he stirred the straw in his drink. The ice shifted and clinked against the glass. Goro’s eyes flicked down towards the boy’s slender fingers. His nails were surprisingly well kept. Goro had taken him to be the type to chew on his fingernails the way the boy constantly fiddled with his bangs.
Goro went on, “If Orpheus truly couldn’t bear to be separated from her, he should’ve joined her in the underworld. There were no stories of anyone escaping the underworld before his journey to save her. Death is a natural fact of life in the end. To think you can escape it is just plain hubris.”
Amamiya rested his chin on his fist, “I’d like to think Eurydice would prefer being saved over her husband joining her in her grave.”
“She died fleeing from her would-be rapist,” Goro retorted. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest.
“What if she wanted to stay in the underworld and find peace and respite? The world they lived in was unjust and volatile. Who’s to say she wouldn’t be harmed yet again? So many women fall victim to the schemes and violence of men in Greek mythology.”
Goro didn’t think the mythology he had brushed up on recently would come in handy so soon. He leapt at the chance to school Amamiya on some of the classics. Though knowing theThief, he probably had most of them memorized. Regardless, he began to list off some of the most unfortunate women in the Greek legends.
“Iphigenia and Polyxena were sacrificed to pay for their fathers’ wars. Medea left her own homeland and family to help Jason in his quest only for him to leave her for another woman. Ariadne betrayed her father to help Theseus defeat the Minotaur and he repaid her love by deserting her on the island of Naxos. The list of women who suffered and sacrificed for ‘heroes’ who used and discarded them is endless.”
And not just in myths and legends. Real women like his mother suffered everyday because of terrible and self-important men like Shido. Goro heard the squeak of his leather gloves before he realized his hands had balled themselves into fists on the table. He took a steadying breath. He unballed his hands and laced his fingers together. His thumb absentmindedly rubbed against his leather covered palm.
Amamiya's face was neutral as he watched Goro, as he waited for him to continue. The boy was such a good listener that you would often find yourself saying more than you should. Goro had fallen for it and overshared several times already.
“Perhaps she thought it better to remain,” he continued, “If I were her, I wouldn’t want to go back to such a cruel place.” Goro had intended to play up the sadness in his voice. He schooled his expression into something soft and wounded, the same one he used to elicit empathy from his audiences. But perhaps this time he sounded a little too small, acted a little too convincing.
For a brief moment, Amamiya’s stoic face shifted. If only the glare reflecting off his glasses in that instant didn’t obscure his eyes. Maybe then Goro could’ve gotten a clue as to what was going through his mind. What he would give to pick through the boy’s head.
“If she truly wanted to stay, I don’t think she would have followed him out. Hades may have allowed her to leave with Orpheus but she had every right to stay and face judgement.”
“A whole lot of good that choice did her in the end,” Goro huffed, “All that effort and Orpheus ruined it at the last second in a moment of doubt. If he had just waited until she crossed the border he would’ve seen if Hades had honored their deal or had only given him an apparition of his wife."
Ren hummed, turning the words over on his tongue before countering, “I’ve seen a lot of people claim that if they were Orpheus, they wouldn’t have turned around. But that’s the thing. Orpheus loved her so deeply, he couldn’t not turn around. In any version of the story, whether it’s from premature excitement or fear he’s been tricked by Hades or that he’s turned around before she stepped over the threshold, Orpheus will always turn around.”
“Then he is truly and utterly a fool,” Goro spat, not entirely sure where all this vitriol is bubbling up from.
Ren sipped his drink, “His story is a very profound example of how love can shake the very foundations of faith and reason.”
Goro watched as Ren’s manicured nails picked nervously at his cuticles.
“And that brainless sentimentality is exactly what doomed Eurydice.”
Ren turned his gaze towards his lap. His unruly bangs obscured whatever expression was on his face. His shoulders rolled forward, as if he was trying to make himself smaller. Goro abruptly found himself thinking that the Ren in front of him wasn’t the one he had grown used to. He lacked all his usual confidence and defiance.
It was like he was suddenly sitting across from a stranger. It made Goro deeply uncomfortable.
“Have you… never loved so fully that you reached out for more control than you should have?” he asked, his voice almost sounding timid.
‘Timid’ was a word Goro never thought he would use to describe the leader of the Phantom Thieves.
Goro paused to consider. Has he? The only person he could truthfully say he ever loved was his mother. And while Goro is certain believes that his mother had loved him, that didn’t stop her from leaving him on his own.
Perhaps it was his desire for control that led the universe or whatever forces govern it to grant him access to the Metaverse. But to say that desire was born out of love… No, both Loki and Robinhood were not born of love for his mother.
His Persona were born out of hatred and spite. A power that tore its way out of his twisted soul so he could get his revenge on Shido and the world that allowed such a man to not only exist, but thrive. Even his special ability distorts the hearts of others.
“No, I can’t say I have,” he concedes.
Ren looks up from the table, and their eyes meet. There’s a challenge brewing somewhere in those steel grey eyes, “Then would you have trusted Hades to honor the deal?”
Goro scoffed, “I don’t place much faith in the likes of gods.”
If there truly were any gods, time and time again they have proven themselves to be callous and indifferent to the plight of man. Earthly suffering seems to only amount to a briefly entertaining pastime for them.
The only being Akechi Goro placed his faith in was himself.
“Then you would’ve turned around.”
Despite being his ‘got you’ moment of the night, there was no smugness in his tone. Goro might even say Amamiya seemed uncharacteristically melancholic. Or maybe bittersweet is a more apt description.
Ren’s lips softened into a small, wistful smile, “Love makes a fool of us all.”
Love, huh? Had a member of the Phantom Thieves caught his eye? He ignored the way the thought made his chest tight. Goro had long known he wasn’t interested in women but he’d have to be blind to claim Amamiya hadn’t managed to surround himself with beautiful girls. He wondered which one it could be…
Perhaps it wasn't one of the girls at all. Kitagawa seemed to prize aesthetics over all else and it wouldn’t be shocking if the same held true for his sexuality. Sakamoto seems unlikely but who knows? He could be the type to overcompensate by acting more masculine.
“At least that’s what they say,” he quickly tacked on, twiddling with his bangs.
There’s definitely something going on there but Goro isn’t particularly interested in digging it up.
He doesn’t know what to say in response. Their academic debates are always relatively evenly matched. Not often is there a clear victor between the two of them. However, when it comes to matters of the heart, Goro is aware he’s woefully inexperienced. He has nothing to counter that claim.
He had to hand it to Amamiya. It was time for Goro to throw in the towel on this one. Though he would only ever do so in a round about way.
“Well,” Goro started, leaning in and batting his lashes, “Greek myths love to portray their heroes as tragically human as possible. If the story had a happy ending I doubt anyone would be interested in it. It’s because Orpheus is flawed and makes such a fatal yet simple mistake so close to his goal that this story has people like us discussing hundreds of years later.”
“Makes the stories more compelling don’t you think?” Ren said, flashing a devilish grin.
And that is something Goro finds he can agree with.
***
It wasn’t even their most memorable discourse. Just a pointless conversation about a story that is meaningless in the grand scheme of everything.
Why this one conversation is at the forefront of his mind during his last moments is beyond him. Compared to many of his other more… impactful experiences, that little moment in the jazz bar seems rather banal.
A little bubble of time shared between the two ill-fated teens. A time and space just for them.
A time and space Goro couldn’t let his mask drop, not fully. But he didn’t have to keep up the same pretenses he did for his fans. A back-handed compliment here, a cutting remark there. He could let Ren see parts of himself that he couldn’t show anyone else. Probably because he knew at the end of their game, one of them would be dead.
You don’t have to worry about a corpse sharing secrets.
The Phantom Thieves were scrambling to gather themselves as they all filed out of the cat helicopter. Goro was the last one out before Morgana reverted to his still not normal cat form. He stood on weak legs, watching as they all gathered around their leader. Maruki had already sulked off to who knows where.
Though they were mentally and physically pushed to their limits, the group seemed to still have enough energy to pat themselves on the back. They laughed and commended Joker’s leadership. Sakamoto was shouting far too rambunctiously about Ren’s ‘sick killer blow’ for someone who just narrowly escaped death.
Morons, the whole lot of them.
He looked on, a spectator, as one after the other they embraced each other. Smiled, laughed, reveled in the relief that came with victory. None of them even thought to glance in his direction.
Still… he couldn’t help but think it was a shame. They could’ve been great rivals. For a second, Goro even indulges himself and allows himself to think that they could have even been friends.
Teammates? Friends? He recalled his rather embarrassing meltdown in Shido’s palace.
That would’ve been… quite nice actually. If they had only met a few years earlier. If the gods hadn’t forced them to be at each other's throats.
These last few weeks working together, as actual teammates without pretense, was more enjoyable than he had expected. Fighting at full power besides Joker was exhilarating. The two of them made a better pair than any of the other Thieves. The leader of the Phantom Thieves didn’t even flinch as Goro shrieked and violently tore through shadows one after the other.
And spending time around the other Thieves was actually tolerable.
Sakura and Okumura were distant, no surprise there. But Takamaki was surprisingly friendly. The way she went out of her way to include him despite her obvious discomfort was rather endearing. Niijima was still cautious of him, reasonably so, but acknowledged his prowess in the Metaverse and no longer protested when Joker placed him on the frontlines. The ‘not a cat’ cat was always fun to tease. Kitagawa was still impossible for him to comprehend but at least he offered an interesting perspective, however nonsensical it may be. Even Sakamoto’s incessant yelling was starting to grow on him.
He even allowed himself to think that under different circumstances, they could’ve all gotten along.
He stood at the threshold of the collapsing palace. The Thieves in front of him. Walking together, side by side, towards the future. A future they took back with their own hands. A future they fought tooth and nail to be able to decide for themselves.
A future Akechi Goro will never get to see.
One he had long since resigned himself to missing out on. He pushed any thoughts regarding his imminent death to the back of his mind. He never expected to make it to his high school graduation. He wasn’t looking forward to the milestones in his life like other kids his age. His revenge was meant to take both him and Shido down. Afterall, nothing could better express the visceral hatred he held for his father more than using his own life as kindling for the pyre Shido was to burn on.
Of course, the Thieves took that from him. Or should he blame Yaldaboath? Everything had been set up so even if he had killed Joker none of it would’ve mattered in the end anyway. At least he didn’t have to kill Ren for nothing.
It’s fine. You knew this would happen.
He had a job to do and he wasn’t going to let anything distract him. But now, watching all of them walk away from him, he felt the true weight of his decisions. Perhaps for the first time in his life.
Goro tried to will his legs to take a step forward. But they only trembled in response. Already struggling just to keep him upright.
The distance between them continued to grow.
He opened his mouth to call out to them but couldn’t find his voice.
Silenced yet again.
He was silent when the police officers tried to tell him his mothers suicide wasn’t his fault.
He was silent when his case worker checked his foster homes, brushing any neglect or abuse under the rug just to save themselves the burden of paperwork.
He was silent whenever Shido demeaned him. Whenever his own father threatened to have him put down if even a single hair on his head was out of line.
He tried to force anything resembling a word out. But he couldn’t even make a sound. Even his breathing had gone completely silent.
Wait… was he even still breathing?
He tried to take a deep breath, to force air into his lungs. Rather than the relief oxygen would provide, his chest burned in agony from the effort.
He grit his teeth, It's fine.
This is the world he wished for. The cruel, unfair world that took away the voices of the weak.
For all the discussion and debating about the legend of Orpheus’ journey to save his wife, almost no one speaks of how Eurydice must have felt. She had the most to lose and yet she is at best relegated to a side character. All her agency in the story is stripped away and placed in the hands of someone else. Even her death was the fault of someone trying to take from her.
It reminded Goro of himself. If he could feel his stomach he was sure it would be violently churning at that thought.
How did she feel when Orpheus turned around and sealed her fate?
Was she angry? Did she resent him?
She had hope dangled in front of her only to have it snatched away at the last moment by the very person she loved.
A person who meant well. A person who was willing to challenge the gods themselves just to save her.
Goro’s legs gave out from underneath him and he crumpled to the floor. The sound of his fall drowned out by the raucous laughter of the Thieves. He looked down at his legs. They were dissipating into black smoke. It had already progressed past his shins.
Was she relieved?
Some people found freedom in death. His own mother did. Or at least she believed she could, to the point of taking her own life. Goro thought that he could too. That is, if the only other alternative available was death or to be someone else’s puppet.
Ren would’ve saved him if he only asked. If Goro had instead demanded they stay in that perfect farce of a world living out their lives as Maruki’s playthings, Ren would have likely agreed. Goro saw how conflicted he was. The guilt he must have felt pulling his friends out of their beautiful daydreams. Taking away their happiness, their loved ones for a second time.
It was the only time he ever saw the leader of the Phantom Thieves waver.
Joker. Ren.
Without him even realizing, his crumbling hand had reached out to Amamiya on its own. A pathetic last attempt at… what exactly?
Connection? Salvation?
As if he could be saved if only Ren, his rival, would reach out and grasp his hand. The world Goro lived in had never been so kind to him.
Goro wanted to see Ren’s face once more. To get the chance to say goodbye.To get the last word in between two rivals. To etch it into his memory before his vision faded completely. Before he fell into oblivion.
His vision was blurring. In his eyes, the Thieves were more blobs of colors than shapes now. All of them merged together. Goro was unable to distinguish where one Thief started and another ended.
It’s. Fine. If he repeated it enough times it would be true.
Even as the dark edges creeping in expand and cause his field of view to shrink smaller and smaller, Goro could see that Ren hadn’t turned around.
Why isn’t he turning around?
”I’ve seen a lot of people claim that if they were Orpheus, they wouldn’t have turned around. But that’s the thing. Orpheus loved her so deeply, he couldn’t not turn around.”
And something inside Goro shatters.
Ren wasn’t going to turn around. Not for him. None of them would. Who in their right mind would turn around for Akechi Goro? Certainly not the Phantom Thieves. Most definitely not Amamiya Ren.
And the realization shouldn’t hurt as much as it did.
So he did have a heart after all.
His chest ached as he watched Ren walk further and further from him.
He never needed a change of heart. Ren had stolen it from the start.
He let his hand fall to his side. Well. What was left of it anyway. What shit timing this was. Realizing your unrequited feelings moments before you fade into nothing. At least he wouldn’t have to address them. He’ll just carry them quietly to his grave.
It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s fine. Goro chanted in his head, trying to drown out the wave of panic washing over him. To beat back the tide with a wave of his own.
But he wasn’t able to lie to himself anymore. Not when the storm of emotions swelled and surged inside of him, pulling him under. Deeper and deeper into the darkness, into the cradle of death.
The blur of Joker’s red glove reaching up and resting on someone’s shoulder. Was it Sumire standing next to him?
It’s… not fair…
Honesty was the last thing Goro needed right now but he couldn’t help it. It was like a dam had broken. All the emotions he shoved down, the truths he covered with lies, everything came rushing to the surface like a raging tidal wave.
Sumire, the Thieves, even that damn cat get to walk proudly next to Amamiya Ren.
Even Maruki got to walk away from this with only his damaged pride.
He wished it could’ve been him. He wished that he could continue going to school and graduate. He wished he and Ren could continue to meet up and play darts and pool and listen to jazz together. He wished for a world in which he could’ve just been Akechi Goro and not the Detective Prince. He wished for a world in which he’d been shown just a little bit of kindness before he found his way into the Metaverse. Maybe then he wouldn’t have…
He wished he could keep his promise with Ren. The one Joker made to him one-sidely back in the engine room.
How ironic. Wasn’t he the one who said there was no use speaking in hypotheticals? Now here he was desperately wishing for a world that could never be.
He wasn't sure if he was crying. He’d lost all feeling a few moments ago. His vision was almost completely black. He didn’t even know if he could cry at that point. But he thought that, if he could, he probably would be.
What a shame… Goro wouldn’t be able to keep their promise after all.
That brilliant flash of red was the last thing he saw before it all went black.