Archive of Our Own

If people were to be judged solely by first impressions, Kyunghoon would have known to keep a distance from the shoulder-length blond-haired guy seated in the corner of the small and stuffy room that was their “practice room”, back turned towards him. All that Kyunghoon can see of him is a steady gaze onto the strings of the guitar as he tunes it.

On the prompting push of the CEO, the 17-year old boy hesitantly steps into the room, where three other boys, all slightly older than him, are sprawled on the floor. They all stare back at him for a while until one of them, the one with the least crazy hairstyle, sits up and stretches his hand towards him. Kyunghoon looks at the hand, surprised, until the other boy puts it out again in front of Kyunghoon, telling through his eyes that he was offering a handshake.

"Yejun."

Kyunghoon returns the handshake, and introduces himself in a small voice. It's awkward small talk, given when Kyunghoon is shoved into a tiny room, knowing nothing about the others.

"I’ve heard you had no dreams of being a singer?"

Kyunghoon shrugs. "Didn't think of it. I thought I could become a pro-gamer."

Yejun looks at the boy, who looks like a cat in a bathtub — just confused, and given the right motive, ready to jump out. But something in his expression tells Yejun he’s willing to stay. He’s surprised Kyunghoon dreamed of being a pro-gamer, like every other guy in a PC bang.

“I’m not denying you have the skills, since I haven’t seen you play before, but that career seems like a novel choice.”

“It’s fun, and I haven’t lost as much.”

“You haven’t lost as much? Well, you’ve got to play a couple rounds with us and maybe then we’ll see if you really are good or not. Anyways, let me introduce you to our members, since you’re going to be stuck with us for a long time now.” Yejun looks around and sees the members who looked so interested in him like they were watching a freshly painted wall dry. “Guys, don’t appear so dull to our newest member.”

There’s a couple groans that follow right after.

"That's Junki," Yejun points at a guy with brightly coloured red hair. The namesake nonchalantly raises his hand. "Woohyun," who's busy tuning his guitar, "and there in the corner, that's Sunghee. Sunghee, he can't see you, you've got to turn."

The guy turns, his face clear under the light of the room that keeps dimming out at random times because of a buzzing tubelight. The guy smiles, and Kyunghoon’s mind resets all data about his first impression.

Sunghee.

Sunghee doesn't appear as intimidating anymore.

With the final member in the team now, the members focus on training over and over again till they’re ready for a debut. Endless nights at small cafes as a live band, practicing different songs till late in the night, returning home at hours that aren’t far off from most people’s morning alarms. Kyunghoon is required to practice so much more than the rest, having joined in much later. Even if he practices till dawn, he quickly adapts. A boy who very much appeared intimidated by the setup he was thrown in now appears to find no difficulty in getting closer with his hyungs. The long nights in a tiny room allow Kyunghoon to open up to the members. Even if it’s a sketchy set up, Kyunghoon doesn’t mind it, just for all the babying the other members do to him.

But then, the older three hyungs notice something.

Kyunghoon’s relationship with the second youngest member is slightly different from the others.

At first, they thought Kyunghoon thought playing the guitar was cool. But then they remember, Woohyun too plays the guitar. Kyunghoon doesn’t have his chin resting on Woohyun’s shoulder when he plays random tunes.

He does that way too often with Sunghee, sometimes forgetting to start singing the opening lyrics because he’s too busy looking at the way Sunghee plays. Not just that, but they’ve also observed Kyunghoon always seated by Sunghee’s side during a quick snack break between practice sessions, or the way Kyunghoon’s eyes linger on Sunghee every now and then.

But it isn't one sided, whatever this is. Sunghee entertains all of Kyunghoon’s childish whines and clings without a complaint, or even without rolling his eyes. He lets Kyunghoon enclose him in a back hug when there’s time for rest, and allows Kyunghoon to guide him in a slow sway. Whenever a pout forms on Kyunghoon’s lips, Sunghee is the first to tell him he’s doing well. Kyunghoon absorbs those compliments like a sponge and the pout almost quickly disappears. Sunghee’s pat on Kyunghoon’s back always pulls Kyunghoon out of a sulky mood and makes the younger boy radiant for the next hour.

Sometimes, Kyunghoon is a bit too physically affectionate with Sunghee. No one really raises an eyebrow. Yejun doesn’t bother with them, just wanting practice to go smoothly. Woohyun looks at them, a bit jealous that Kyunghoon doesn’t cling onto him even if he plays a guitar. Junki just chalks it up to Sunghee reacting best to Kyunghoon’s antics.

The lights in the practice room were never fixed. Kyunghoon sits on the floor, cross legged, facing the members. He catches his breath as the group ends a song. The room is quiet, except for the sounds of the cars as they whir by. When Kyunghoon looks better, Yejun asks him. “You ready?”

“Uh, yeah. Let's start the next on the list.”

Yejun hits his drumsticks once, and on the next beat, the door bolts open. Kyunghoon's head snaps towards the door. The other members lift their eyes to the door as well.

“Kyunghoon. I don't know what you were thinking when you did that so I need you,” their manager steps in, hand gripping the doorknob. His face is red, his tone agitated. “To tell me what you were thinking when you did that.”

Kyunghoon stares back at him and blinks in confusion. The manager doesn't explain anything further for a while, instead, holds a staring contest with Kyunghoon.

“Kyunghoon, what was that?” Their manager bolts into the room, nearly breaking the door.

Kyunghoon, sitting on the floor, mic in his hand, looks at him, confused. The manager’s red face with his agitated tone doesn’t explain much.

“Do you not remember what you did? When the Insider team was with us?”

Only until the manager bolts the door open.

"Kyunghoon, what was that?"

The redness of the manager's face, coupled with the elevated tone of his voice, adds to Kyunghoon's confusion.

"Do you not remember what you did? When the Insider team was with us?"

Kyunghoon looks back at the manager, eyes looking around, blinking in unresolved confusion. Sunghee realises something after a moment, slides down behind Kyunghoon and whispers into Kyunghoon’s ear. Kyunghoon turns sharply towards him, eyebrows knitted together, and then he remembers.

A couple of months after their debut, a group of cameramen and producers get added to the list of the people who follow the band, which previously was just their make up artist and manager. This new group were around to film the boys, while they were up on stage, serious as musicians, and everything else. The practice, the late nights, the endless ways to have fun in green rooms, the numerous games. The five boys don’t mind the multiple cameras shoved into their faces, even if it makes the already crowded van more occupied. They get some fame and a new younger friend who tags along.

Scene in question: a couple weeks ago, on their way back to their homes after practice, the cameraman sits in the passenger seat. The manager throws a stern glance at them, one akin to a mother warning not to throw a tantrum. “Well, practice has been great, so go home and rest for the night. I’ll see you around tomorrow. Good night everyone,” the manager greets the boys as they stuff themselves into the van. The older three members sit in the middle, and at the very rear, Kyunghoon and Sunghee are squeezed.

What gets aired: while Yejun has his own interview in the front, an incomprehensible conversation between the youngest members happens in parallel, not intended to be recorded. Whatever the conversation was, Kyunghoon, slightly off-frame, bites Sunghee’s shoulder. Sunghee yelps, then tells Kyunghoon something. Kyunghoon looks back at Sunghee with a smirk, and then goes for another bite. Sunghee tries his best not to alert anyone, but eventually screams, loudly, in pain.

Everyone turns back to face the duo. Yejun is confident Sunghee’s yell knocked off his hearing for a solid minute. Sunghee, feeling everyone’s eyes on him, shifts in his seat.

“Kyunghoon keeps biting me,” he meekly protests, raising his shoulders in helplessness. Everyone’s gaze is now on Kyunghoon, along with the recording camera. He’s slumped back in his seat and doesn’t say anything, instead, maintains an innocent smile on his face. Yejun’s wordless look tells them to behave. When he turns back, Kyunghoon hits Sunghee’s arm lightly, an action that asks why Sunghee had ratted him out.

There’s no more biting or silly events after.

Once the cameraman leaves the van and wishes everyone a goodnight, the eldest two turn back. “Guys, I don’t know what conversation you were having or whatever you were doing, and honestly, I don’t care, but remember: leave it in the practice room, alright?” Woohyun warns them. The two nod quietly, but under Woohyun’s view, their hands were fighting, swatting each other.

Their manager lets out a long sigh. “Kyunghoon, Sunghee, please. Look. We don’t want any problems, alright? Can’t you not do this while the cameras are rolling? What if anyone notices and makes an issue about it?”

Kyunghoon and Sunghee, cowered, say their apologies. “And you,” the manager continues, looking at the remaining three members, “if you see them doing anything like that day, stop them immediately, alright?”

Fortunately for them, there is no issue that the manager feared would blow up and eventually, everyone forgets about it. That does not stop the two of them from fooling around. They tweak their ways of squabbling to make it more subtle, and they don’t get caught and reprimanded anymore.

If Kyunghoon has to describe what it is between Sunghee and him, he isn't too sure. It's like friendship, but it's certainly much more, if he had to compare his friendship with, say, Junki. But to call it love, he doubts if he could label it that way.

In Sunghee's eyes, he knows that it's love. Full of innocence. The type that doesn't rely on physical acts to show itself, but the type that shows itself through comforting pats, smiles, and hugs. The type where being around Kyunghoon makes him, an only child, want to protect him from the world.

Kyunghoon, slightly drunk, tipsily makes his way to the couch where Sunghee is seated.

"Sunghee-hyung," Kyunghoon calls out to him, dragging out the last syllable as he waddles towards him, arms outstretched.

Sunghee lifts his head up and sees a human penguin move towards him. “Kyunghoon-ah,” he replies in the same drawn out tone. He stretches his hand towards Kyunghoon, aiming to pull him down into an embrace. Kyunghoon, instead, lets his legs go weak, tumbles onto the couch, and lets his head fall over Sunghee’s lap.

"Hyung," Kyunghoon whines again, quietly. Sunghee feels his voice through the vibrations.

Sunghee runs his hands through Kyunghoon's now jet black hair. His memory goes back to earlier in the year, when stylists fussed about Kyunghoon’s hair so much they made it resemble a lion’s mane. He looks down to see the boy's sleeping figure, and then smiles. Even though he’s grown from then, Sunghee can still spot in Kyunghoon the younger boy, who froze at the door, and who had caught Sunghee’s eye.

"Kyunghoon." Sunghee whispers. There's a blush on Kyunghoon's cheeks, and it's almost certainly from the drinks he had downed a while ago. There's a diffuse red spreading across Sunghee's cheeks, and he’s not had any alcohol at all that day.

Their time to shine and enjoy the limelight comes by suddenly. The rapid shot into fame leaves the group running from schedule to schedule. There’s no time to get used to it, they just run between studios, breathless. It was only last year when they had plenty of time after any event and now, their van spends more time on the road than ever before. Each of the members have plenty of schedules now, with Kyunghoon the most. The older members are all concerned for him, since he practically sleepwalks from one place to another on hectic days.

Today, fortunately, is a lighter day. The audience of the concert, mainly female high school students, fill the event venue with screams at every appearance of Kyunghoon's killer smile. Balloons and blue-light sticks wave in synchrony when he drowns the crowds in a melancholy with the power of his voice.

Between songs, he looks back at his members, and then an idea strikes him. He walks towards Sunghee, who takes two steps towards him, and Kyunghoon, lowering the mic, whispers something to him.

Kyunghoon's eyes glance at the camera recording them, then the screen behind them to make sure of the captured camera angle. And then, the two bring their heads together, eyes closing as they tilt their heads exactly as Kyunghoon whispered, and stop with just a little distance between them for a while.

The suspicious act, fueled by the camera angle, makes the audience roar. As they look into each other’s eyes, Kyunghoon and Sunghee exchange smiles, knowing exactly what they are doing. A secret between them, yet told atop a stage. Concealed, yet on display. Kyunghoon knows there's a gap between them, a gap the camera isn't able to capture, but his heart is racing beneath his ribs.

Their manager, frustrated again by their “antics”, scolds them separately later that day.

At night, they sit close to each other, just the two of them in their practice room. Unwillingly, they decide, maybe things would be better if they dissolve whatever was between them. They both know. This was nowhere close to friendship. This was much more than that, something that would make headlines if they ever labelled it. This had to stop now, if they wanted to stop running into trouble.

With heavy hearts and exhaustion sinking into them, they leave the practice room later than usual to return to their homes, with a bitter ending to the night.

A mutual decision does not make every following action easier. This is what Kyunghoon and Sunghee had to navigate the following day. Learning to become friends was harder and awkward, when they had crossed past that pretty early on.

Sunghee suggests: they date other people. They do that. Kyunghoon does, Sunghee does.

(Kyunghoon cannot help but compare every relationship to his first, to the one that supposedly never existed. It is easier said than done to stop comparing, but Kyunghoon learns slowly, eventually. He tries to stop letting himself dwell in a past that may not return.)

Group activities continue like normal. Each member still takes their respective position on stage. Kyunghoon does not walk around the stage like before. Occasionally, he thinks of the guitarist who stands to his right when they are on stage.

If Sunghee still thinks of Kyunghoon. If he is dating already. If he's forgotten what was between them.

As the end of the year approaches, the group prepares for the conclusion of their activities before an indefinite hiatus. The fans revolt, not willing to let go of the group, but the company puts out a statement nonetheless.

Sunghee sits beside Kyunghoon, who is reading the statement, as if it were any different from the conclusion of a meeting a mere couple days ago.

"I'll be enlisting next year." Sunghee declares.

Kyunghoon turns his head towards Sunghee, surprised by the sudden announcement. Apparently this was only a surprise to Kyunghoon. He cannot form a reply. Sunghee pats his back.

“Hyung.” is all Kyunghoon can mutter, still in shock.

"Kyunghoon, you need to stop pondering on those days."

"Hyung, do I only matter to you that much? Have you forgotte—"

"Can I? You're the one who made us famous, you're the one—"

"No hyung. You. I. Have you forgotten us?"

Sunghee pauses. He knows what Kyunghoon is talking about.

"I've always remembered our days as ones full of smiles, even if tiredness dug deep into our bones. Kyunghoon," Sunghee bends towards him, "I don’t regret it, even if it was difficult for us."

Kyunghoon meets Sunghee's eyes, and suddenly, Sunghee’s arms wrap around him. He takes refuge in his embrace, his bottled up emotions slowly revealing themselves. Sunghee’s t-shirt gets drenched where Kyunghoon’s face is, but he doesn’t care. He slowly pats Kyunghoon’s back, till the silent sobs stop.

Even if the other members leave one by one for the military, Kyunghoon must continue in the music industry. He has to continue by himself, even if he feels lonely. He takes his usual spot, by the standing mic, yet there is no one that he knows to his right, or his left, or behind him. The session musicians stand so far away that he feels distant from them. The four boys he was with, even though it was for a short while, have left a void in him that can't be filled.

Every now and then, when he stands on a stage, faces the crowd that chants his name and holds up placards, every now and then, purely out of habit, he looks behind him, expecting Woohyun to flash him a thumbs-up signalling that he is ready, or Yejun to throw him a nod, but he finds unfamiliar faces and loneliness creeping up. He thinks about what the other members are doing, about the ones who are just out of service, or about the ones who plan to re-enter the music field again, and hopes that someday, he may find those faces he longed to see standing beside him.

When Kyunghoon, in his solo concert, gets surprised by his members, all slightly different from four years ago, he gets teary eyed, and as his eyes linger on each member, turning from left to right, he finally breaks into tears.

Later, once the tears remain contained behind his eyes, promising not to spill over, he brings the mic close to his lips, lets out a shaky breath, and says the words he had never expected to say again.

"Hello, we are Buzz."

The yells from the fans tell him he's not wrong in maintaining his hope of Buzz coming back. But for now, today, he can return to the comfort of his band members.

A renewed vigour runs in him with his members by his side. He walks up and down the stage, going up to the members and singing by their side. When Kyunghoon comes over to Sunghee, the latter turns, gets on his knees and maintains eye contact with Kyunghoon, all while playing the guitar still ever so flawlessly. While done in the heat of the moment, Sunghee’s actions threaten to bring a dangerous spark close to the dying embers of a chapter Kyunghoon promised has closed.

Kyunghoon hasn’t thought about it in a while, but the gaping wound that was Sunghee was now somehow healed. Maybe time does work its way through. Now, he looks at Sunghee, and through flashes of memory remember the old days when they were reckless. But now, he sees Sunghee as a friend, a fantastic guitarist, someone he wants to keep close and not let go.

Even if he can’t give his heart anymore. Not like he wouldn’t do it and screw himself up all over again, if Sunghee asked for it.

They’re older, now that Kyunghoon’s back from the military. They don’t meet up often, and the times they do are with the other three members. Kyunghoon still enjoys every meeting in a different way than his past self would have. He gets proud of himself every time he thinks about how he overcame the pains of a breakup and now looks at a former lover as a co-worker.

He’s always enjoyed Sunghee’s company. He's always enjoyed the company of the Buzz members. He does not want to be without them again.

One uneventful day, Kyunghoon is the second person to get into the practice room. Sunghee was the first, busy in tuning his guitar when Kyunghoon walks in. Kyunghoon pulls out a chair and sits beside Sunghee, staring at him like he used to do in the smaller, older practice room years ago. Sunghee lifts his eyes from the strings and finds Kyunghoon looking back at him.

Kyunghoon’s eyes are filled with an emotion that Sunghee can’t pinpoint. It's not longing or desperation. They’re seated so close to each other that he can feel Kyunghoon’s breath on his cheek. After a long while being so close, Sunghee moves back, and Kyunghoon follows suit.

Sunghee lets his eyes linger on Kyunghoon as he fidgets with his chair. He then says softly. “I’ve missed this.”

Kyunghoon replies without missing a beat. “I’ve missed you.”

A pause. “I’ve missed you too, Kyunghoon.”

Kyunghoon finds Sunghee sitting in a cafe, already waiting for him. He’s dressed neatly, a bit unlike his appearances in practice rooms, but no one styles up for the practice sessions

Kyunghoon takes his seat opposite Sunghee. “You wanted to see me?”

“Yeah, I wanted to tell you something. It’s been a while that I’ve pondered over it, and I think you should be the first to know.”

“What is it about, hyung?”

“There's a girl I—”

“Thought so. How is it to be in love?” Kyunghoon cuts him off, though not intentionally.

“How did you know?” Sunghee asks, shocked at Kyunghoon’s reply.

“I didn't, just guessed. Turns out it was true.”

“It's… nice. She's a wonderful person, you know, and seeing her, my day gets happier and,”

“It's nice to see you happy like that,” Kyunghoon says, lowering his eyes.

“Yeah, she's the perfect person for me. And we're getting married in May.”

“This May?”

“Yeah. I wanted to tell you before I told anyone else.” Sunghee sees Kyunghoon’s eyes waver, his hands remaining under the table.

“That's… wonderful news, hyung. I'm so glad you've found a person for yourself and now you're settling down.” Kyunghoon smiles, looking straight at Sunghee.

“Thanks, Kyunghoon.”

“We've grown up, huh?”

“Yeah, we have. I know you'll find someone perfect for you too. Do you want me to look for you?”

“It's fine. I'll find someone. Maybe I already know someone who'd like me the way — I'm fine for now.” Kyunghoon corrects himself, leaving the sentence continued in his head —like you way you liked me.

“Kyunghoon. I know there's your perfect person out there for you and I know you'll be the perfect person for them.”

“Hyung.”

“Yeah?”

“During our time, were you happy?”

“Very much, Kyunghoon. That time bears most of the vivid memories I have from that time. Of course, we've grown up, we've broken up, and then vaguely started something, and all, but, Kyunghoon. You were my light in those dark days.”

Kyunghoon’s expression wavers again, this time, evidently touched by what he deems are truthful words.

“Thank you, hyung. I've seen you the same way too, my happiness when all we had was a small dingy room shared between five. I don't think it's even possible to not be able to relive those days in my head, even now.”

Sunghee smiles, then reaches for something in his bag which had been placed on the chait by the side. He slides Kyunghoon an envelope. “It's the invitation card. It's in late May.”

Kyunghoon reaches for it, and opens it. Inside, a card in a painted beige background with flora designs. He sees written in calligraphy, the wedding of Son Sunghee with.

He doesn't read further.

“Congratulations hyung.” Kyunghoon meets Sunghee’s eyes and smiles. His smile does not reach his eyes.

“Thank you, Kyunghoon.” He says, placing his hands over Kyunghoon's. “I hope you’ll come.”

Kyunghoon smiles. “I'll try to come.” He answers a call, then looks back at Sunghee. “I've got to go now to an event, my manager's waiting.”

Sunghee waves him bye but Kyunghoon doesn't turn back. As he leaves, Sunghee can see, through the glass window, a fist curled up and a hand wiping at his face.

Kyunghoon does not show up at Sunghee’s wedding.