Chapter Text
Two years have passed since we won the Autumn Tenno Sho in the Twinkle Series.
Of course, we kept going. Only a bit more lax.
A win, here or there. Maybe a second or third. Less training, and more free time. She’s still in top form, but racing is taking up less and less of her life. Not in my life though. Last week I started attending tryouts again. Maruzensky might have been my first success, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have more training and racing ahead of me.
Though I do have a change in my own life as well. Prestige. Expectations. The only reason I even went was because a reporter asked about my next steps. Not her next race, no. The first time I was asked about my next project. The next Uma that I’ll train. it was a bit eye opening, in that regard. I’ve admittedly become a bit complacent, with Maru and her success, what else is there to really strive for? I don’t know that I’ll ever outdo what we did together. No matter what talent I’ll find, or how hard I work. I’ve found my everest and climbed it, and there might not be a higher peak to even attempt.
I’m often in my head like this, but especially today. I already know Maru would tease me if she could see me. I can practically hear her voice calling out to me, pulling me back into reality. Key in hand, I stand before the door leading to my new apartment. Not like I couldn’t afford one before, I have more prize money than I know what to do with, but the sort of slow acceptance of a next step is what took forever.
A twist of that very key, and the door swings open.
It’s barren, practically empty. White undecorated walls, wooden floors. All very traditional. A bed and a cupboard, the only things my previous tennant left behind. And two grocery bags, from an hour ago.
The only reason I chose it? because it’s so close to the academy. I can walk to it in the morning, just a five minute jaunt. It’s where I will again spend most of my time anyways, this is just going to be a place to sleep and nothing else.
Still, I will make it my own.
An hour has passed, which I spent diligently looking everything over. The kitchen is functional as promised. And while there might not be much room, there is still an endless number of possible ways to arrange everything. I’ve gotten out some paper and started sketching out what I want where- drafts and blueprints are scattered around me, almost covering the floor. It’s surprisingly hard to decide.
I’m sketching in a configuration that would have my TV visible from the kitchen when I hear a knock at the door. Perhaps a neighbor, perhaps a confused postman. With a groan I rise to my feet, and trot to the door. Just a moment to adjust my suit, it has some folds and kinks but I’m presentable enough.
The door swings open- to a very familiar head of brown hair and a body clad in red clothes I might recognize anywhere.
Maruzensky’s lips part to say what she no doubt intended to burst out with, but even she is at a loss for words. I wrack my brain thinking if I invited her to a house warming party, or even if I have told her where I intend to move, and for the life of me can’t think that I have.
“My my, what a surprise.” She finally breaks the silence between us and flashes a smile. “So you finally took me up on the offer, dear?”
“I… what offer?”
“Hm?” Her expression changes from a smile to confusion. I believe to hear the turning of gears, as both of us try to figure out what has happened. “You are moving in here, no?”
My answer is hesitant. Slow. She’s always made up for my lack of confidence. “Yeah. I just got the keys. How did you know-“
And then she breaks into laughter. Unadulterated, joyous laughter. The kind I hear when she finds herself unabashedly amused by something. It does always make me smile in turn, as it does even now, despite my muddled mind.
As she replies I take note of the swishing of her tail, of the flicking of her ears. She’s overjoyed and no doubt will share with me why in a moment. “So you’re moving in, hm? In that flat, that one in particular?”
“Yes I am.”
“And you didn’t know?”
“Know what?”
Instead of an answer, she turns around. Takes three steps to close the distance to the door behind her, the flat opposite of mine. Takes out a key, and opens it.
A long hallway, a perfect mirror of the one I am standing in opens up. And all it takes is the framed picture of a red hotrod at the very end of it.
“…The empty flat you told me about.” In an eureka moment I look behind me, then back to her.
“The one that you declined, mhm!” Her smile is broad and incessant. Her voice leaps with amusement. “Though I must say, Eli, I don’t know how to feel about it. You did after all decline and just by chance happen on it. Here I thought you were trying to surprise me with it!“ Her tone is light, teasing. What I have come to expect of her.
It wasn’t at all what I had intended. But the surprise is pleasant, if just a little worrying. After all, she’s going to have a lot more opportunities to tease me now. The steps of a fellow tenant echoing up the stairway remind us that we aren’t as alone as we thought we were. And boisterous as she always is, she closes her own door, and struts right past me into my own new home.
“Here I thought I was just going to greet a new neighbor.” She muses, a sigh passing her lips.
My own head is still spinning a bit. Just like on the racetrack, Maru moves too fast to leave me a moment to think.
It’s then that she comes across the spread out pieces of paper. Plans over plans. She picks one at random, giving me a chance to at least focus on a single topic. “Decorating. I want to do it right.”
“Oh that’s so very you, always overthinking it.”
No doubt a dig at my training. I did at the start hold to very strict regimens. I remember sleepless nights trying to maximize gains. Down to the individual meter she should run. It took only a month before I realized I was robbing both of us of the enjoyment of everything for no tangible gain. But the habit of overplanning has remained, even if kept in its reins.
And yet, as she looks up from the plan in her hand and over her shoulder to me, I believe to see my fondness for that memory reflected in hers.
“It’s been a while since I sketched, I enjoyed the challenge.” A weak excuse, to noodle my way out of a scolding. But it buys me enough time to step into the kitchen. A first grocery run has already been completed, so I can at least offer: “Something to drink?”
“Oh Eli.” She sighs my name, as though she has been waiting for me to offer. “Always taking care of me. Of course! Whatever you have.”
She’s taken a seat, going through everything I sketched. Picking out favorites I imagine. With her sense of style this place might actually look like something, even if a bit old timey. And while I’m used to her usual teasing, something about it feels different now. In a way I can’t quite place.
I’m feeling in the mood for tea, so I prepare two cups, and let the placeholder water boiler rattle away as I turn my back to her.
It’s not like there is much space to organize things anyways. I have two rooms, one of which is going to be a bedroom, the other is going to be an office. And an open kitchen, which is meant to be decorated like a living room.
“Oh Eli…” Maru’s sigh takes me out of my daydreaming. “…Always function over form.”
“It’s what I know. Besides, I don’t plan to be here often, it’s more just… a place to sleep, really.”
“Oh? Planning to go out often? You know I will always take you along, I haven’t been offering for nothing!” That signature smile again.
It’s true, she has been offering. A lot. It hurts a bit to dash her excitement. “Maybe on my free days, I’ll still be chained to the academy-“
“…hm?” at that she perks up. Her eyebrows furrow and her tail swishes about a bit quicker, waving about some pieces of paper. “What for?”
Her confusion in turn confuses me. I thought I’d be obvious. She’s been caring about races less and less, training has gotten lax and laid back. I see her not quite as often, and I heard she got a little offer for a modeling gig. So I don’t think much of it as I explain. “Well. I’ve been scouting again. See if I can’t find some more talent.”
She’s silent. Which is very unusual. Long enough that it isn’t her thinking about something, no. Long enough that I get uncomfortable and break it. “I chose the spot because it’s so close.”
“Right. Yeah. That makes sense.” Her tone is dejected.
Rapidly I go through the last few words spoken. I must have said something wrong, something out of place. I wrack my brain trying to reason through it, which isn’t at all helped by the bubbling of boiling water, slowly increasing in intensity.
By the time I’ve poured our cups, Maru has scooted back against the bare wall, and made some space for me to sit opposite of her. Her eyes are strangely dark, and her ears are drooping. I’ve always struggled in social situations, but the features of an Umamusume have always helped me be a bit more observant. But that doesn't exactly help with figuring out the whys and hows.
“Something is on your mind.” I state. Factually.
She merely huffs an almost amused sigh. “I mean. I knew it had to happen eventually.”
And that is when the realization slowly hits. Our entire relationship is built on trainer and trainee. I’m looking for new Trainees. Her career is a racer is slowly reaching it’s natural end.
“I’m not replacing you.” I speak with as much sincerity as I can. “No one ever could, Maru.”
I watch as her expression shifts to something that I can only describe as pained. Then slowly into defeated. Her ears remain folded down, slumped over. Neither has she touched the cup before her. It still sits there, dejected.
“No, you don’t understand, Eli.” A little pained smile curls at her lips. “You never really did.”
“Then, explain it to me. Like you always do.” Just the faintest tremor accompanies my words. Whatever is happening, it feels like something is breaking. And it hurts.
“I don’t think I can this time. I wouldn’t know how to.” Her words come crashing down like a hammer on a nail. I feel some kind of sharp pain between my ribs.
She flashes me a smile, but it doesn’t reach her eyes.
Silence settles between us. My suit feels restrictive, the fabric doesn’t stretch. I feel it tighten around my chest with every heavy breath. I should have changed.
She rises to her feet.
“See you at training tomorrow. Trainer.”
She hasn’t called me trainer in a long long time. We got on first name basis pretty fast. I know she’s trying to tell me something. But I don’t find the time to reply. Her tail swishes close to my face, as she takes her leave.
And from behind me, I simply hear. “Let me know if you need someone to carry the heavy stuff.”
And then the door falls closed.
I am left alone with two cups of tea, and a bunch of floor plans that feel void of any meaning.
The day after.
As promised, she shows up for training at the usual time. We’ve worked ourselves into a rhythm. She already knows what is on the agenda, and I will be observing her, like I always do; trying to find faults or weaknesses. We do still have permission to use the academy's racetrack, even if we did complete the Twinkle Series.
It feels distant today. It feels heavy. And it hurts.
Only a small greeting, nothing more. She didn’t call me trainer, but she didn’t call me Eli either. The weather is cloudy, with a sunny spot every so often. Sort of apt, for what we’re going through.
I keep to myself that her first lap is almost ten seconds slower than usual, and simply tell her to run another, warm up a bit more.
As soon as she leaves ear shot, I get a tap on the shoulder.
Air Groove. She stayed at the academy after her career. Not just student council but a proper teacher now. Though, as expected, she’s taken an administrative role again.
It’s not unusual to see her here, overseeing the track and practice races. But it is unusual to see her this worried.
“Something happened.” As always, stern, straight to the point.
“It did.”
“Tell me.”
I hesitate. But there really isn’t any point not to. Maru has reached the halfway mark by now, she’ll be here in a few seconds. “I’m scouting again.”
A curt nod is the only response. She knows well the pain of a trainer moving on. After all she was forced to plan her own trainings and attempt to continue her own career after her trainer left, once all their set out goals had been met.
But she doesn’t judge. She never does.
Silence, as we wait for Maru to return. Still, nine seconds worse than her usual worst.
She approaches us by the railing, giving a curt nod to the fellow uma, only faintly out of breath. Something tells me she doesn’t have the drive today to try her hardest and I don’t blame her. Her ears are still slumped over, a broadcast of her inner turmoil.
Air groove and her exchange a glance. And then the one behind me speaks up. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell.”
Then she turns and leaves us. They probably had a talk, is all I can assume.
Without a word, I turn around my stopwatch to show Maru.
Her expression is blank. Unreadable.
I try my best to cheer her up. Something I would usually do after a race. I would find far better words then, knowing the cause. “I can wait. You know. If you aren’t ready.”
A faint shake of her head.
More silence. If she won't say, then there isn't anything I can do.
She really doesn't. Maybe can't. So she makes to leave. “Training is done for today. I’m headed home.”
It’s the first time in almost five years together that she is calling a training off.
I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve lost her.
I could have headed back earlier. But I decide to stay. The idea of going back to the place we practically share now is not just painful, it feels dangerous. Crossing her path now… no.
There’s another tryout race held today. I attend, only because I had already announced that I would be there. But I already know I am not going to approach anyone for a contract. Maybe I’m not ready for a new trainee yet either.
Grass Wonder is there as well.
She’s grown into a proper woman since the time I first met her. And she has truly realized her ideal. The idea of asking her for advice has crossed my mind twice by the time the racers take to the gates. But I end up not even having to.
She takes a seat next to me, on the bench still wet from yesterdays rain. Her hands folded in her lap. “You know, you have a particular gloomy aura about you today.”
Her way of addressing it makes me smile, just for a moment. “Were you here this morning?”
“I can’t say I was, but I did come across Maruzensky. Is she injured?”
It’s a reasonable assumption to make, considering we ended the training early. “No. She’s doing well.”
“Hm. Physically you mean.”
“Well. Yeah. It’s… complicated.”
“I can tell.” She offers me a kind smile and a well meaning chuckle. My attention has stopped being about the race for a while now.
“I told her I’m scouting again.”
“Ah. She didn’t take it well?”
“So much worse than I thought she would. I… I didn’t really tell her the right way either. I thought it was obvious I’d need to find someone new. We’ve barely done any races this summer season.”
“So you surprised her with it.”
“…It looks like it.”
The racers are approaching the finish. The crowd is quieting down for the final tense moments. Until it becomes rather obvious that one of them has an overwhelming lead. It’s a race for second place. Reminds me of Maru, in a way. The way she used to dominate.
“I think there’s something else to it as well.” Wonder speaks up once the last racer has crossed the line.
“Everyone seems so much more observant than me.”
“I think everyone has their blind spots. Especially regarding those things we take for granted.”
I mull over what cryptic meaning she has imparted on me, when she herself rises to her feet. “Now, excuse me. I should check on the racers.”
And the elegant lady is gone long before I can find an answer.
If I had intended to scout someone, I’m already too late. Interested trainers swarm the trainees. Within a few minutes each of them will have a contract in hand. Even the one coming in last. She had a ferocity about her, she merely lacked form. With the right guiding hand she'll make for a fearsome opponent.
Unsure what to do, I head home. Whether by luck or misfortune, I get to my flat without crossing Maru’s path.
By 2 am I still haven’t managed to sleep. I keep going over everything. I keep checking my phone if she’s sent me a message. Tomorrow is meant to be another tryout, early in the morning. Not even seven hours from now. But I simply can’t even take it seriously right now, not with my trainee of five years taking distance from me, and what feels like breaking my heart.
Another toss, another turn. And I can’t take it anymore.
I need to find some peace of mind, and at minimum apologize to her. Even if it means waking her up.
I throw over something usable. My last shopping trip with Maru ended with enough sweaters to last me a few weeks without a wash. I grab whatever baggy pants I can find.
I shuffle out the door, and for once I don’t even let myself have a chance to overthink it. I just walk across the corridor, stop in front of her flat and knock.
Maybe it’s the sleep delirium that gives me the courage to do it, maybe it’s the desperation. But the moment it’s done the doubt kicks in. What am I doing, waking her up at this hour? As if that is going to help.
But I don’t even get to wallow in self doubt for all that long.
Footsteps.
Then the door cracks open.
A thin ray of light, warm and inviting. Or at least it would be. But it doesn’t open wider.
My voice is barely audible, my throat tight. “Hey.”
“Come in.”
Her tone is meek. But she opens the door. She’s still in the same clothes she wore to training. She probably couldn’t sleep either. Hasn’t even tried.
I may not be very good with social cues. I might not be a good listener. But even I can tell that the way her eyes look, the way they’re red and swollen, she’s been crying. It’s such a foreign image, to imagine Maruzensky tearing up. Always the chipper one. Always the happy one. The one that helps other Umas when they cry. Who is meant to comfort her, when she does?
Despite my hesitating I do enter, I close the door behind me.
I’ve never before been inside her apartment. But it is just as one might expect. Filled with memorabilia from a bygone age. She has slowly learned what actually is modern, the longer she stays in the big city. But that touch of old timer will never go away.
And as I stand there, in her home, facing her- it does finally settle in that I have moved on too fast. That she wasn’t ready. That it wasn’t just an obvious next step, or what is expected of me.
So I stand there. Never having been good with words. I stare at her, at the Umamusume I’ve so closely worked together with for five entire years of both of our lives.
“I’m sorry.” Finally escapes me. It doesn’t sound sincere, I sound broken.
And again, she smiles a pitiful smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. “You still don’t understand.” She sniffles, solidifying that yes, she too is a bit broken tonight.
“I… don’t. No. I only know that I did something wrong. And for that I’m sorry.”
Her lips quiver. I hope she doesn’t cry. Because I don’t know what I would do if she does. “I’ve been waiting for you, Eli. I’ve been waiting all this time.”
“I, I didn’t know, you could have texted me, I’d have-“
She cuts me off. With a pained laughter.
“No. Not tonight, Eli. The past three years, I’ve been waiting. Patiently been by your side, waiting for you.”
Again. I do not understand. But I make an effort.
Three years. Three years she says she’s been waiting for me. For what? I’ve always been by her side. We started training five years ago. We spent so much time together. We won the Tenno Sho, and so much more in the last two alone. She always knew where to find me. What happened three years ago?
I know I won’t understand. “…waiting for what?”
Again, she laughs. A little less pained, but still not happy. A bit broken off as her body wracks with what I can only assume to be a fight with a sob.
Maruzensky steps closer. Just a single step. But it takes the distance between us down to mere inches.
“You know, I always liked just how oblivious you are.” Her voice is a murmur. And strangely, the smile she smiles does reach her eyes. The content of her words might be a tease. But it doesn’t feel like one. It feels different than her usual antics.
“I…” I try to speak, but I can’t. My chest feels heavy, like a cleat just stomped down on my lungs. My entire body feels sweaty and cold and hot at the same time.
“I really need to say it out loud for you to realize, don’t I?”
“…I think so, yes.” Admitting defeat somehow came easier than expected.
Her eyes close. She takes a deep breath. It’s a kind of surrender to something else. I’m ready to listen.
“You know, when you explain your ideas, you always have this spark in your eyes Eli. When you tell me how I can train better, how to train- You have this confidence in you. This… authority. The kind I don’t see you have anywhere else. I took it for granted.”
I don’t understand, but I don’t pretend to. She’ll tell me in time. Even if she is catching me off guard with her compliment.
“…Eli. It always made me feel special. The way you observe me, the notes you take. The way you explain those thoughts you have, and you put them on the page. The hours you spend so we could make me who I am.”
A huff escapes her. Her arms come up- and cross. And then her eyes avert. “I thought I was ready to wait for you forever. I thought it didn’t matter how long it’d take. That one day you’d realize. In hindsight, it was the worst thing I could have done. I should have known better. I should have known you better.”
“Maru…”
She silences me with a shake of her head. She isn’t done. “I thought this would go on forever. We’d train, and race. Just you and me. Eli. I…”
Her voice breaks. I watch as she struggles slowly to find the right words. I wish I could help her find them.
“Eli I… I want you all to myself. All of you. Not just as a trainer. I want you to be part of my life forever.”
I hear, for once, the desperation in her voice. And very very slowly something dawns on me. A thought, a seed. Something slowly blooms within me, and the pressure I’ve been feeling subsides and gives way to a very different feeling.
But I don’t know how to explain it. Or express it. Or let Maru know that I understand, because I still don’t. So I just stare at her, unsure what to do with myself. “I… I think that’s okay with me.” I whisper. So slowly.
She smiles. Still pained. Her eyes colored with an uncertainty that I haven’t ever seen before.
“Tell me you understand. No. Show me you do.”
To show her. Not with words, but with actions. Yes, actions. In a heartbeat it all makes sense to me. I understand now, what she has been waiting for. Something that yes, I would never have understood. Because it would never have even occured to me in the first place. Because I wouldn’t have even dared to dream of it.
But I do show her.
I lean in.
And I kiss her.
I can feel the surprise running through her body. The way her muscles tense. Maybe it wasn’t what she expected. But there’s no doubt it’s what she wanted. She leans into it, her arms unfurl. The barrier between us lifted, and now she welcomes me into her shape. Embraces me, and pulls me closer.
She tastes salty. Like tears. I can’t imagine I’m a very good kisser. But if Maru told the truth, and she has been waiting for me. Then she wouldn’t know, would she? Would she care?
It may only have been a second. Maybe two. It feels like by the time I lean back a lifetime has passed. I find myself breathing quickly, my heart beating in my chest loud enough I hear it in my ears.
My cheeks are burning with heat. I must be flushed red.
“So you finally understand.” She whispers.
“I do.” I whisper back. “I never would have, if you hadn’t told me.”
She smiles. An earnest, honest smile, with only a hint of pain. “I should have known.”
She still hasn’t let me go, her arms wrapped around me. She feels warm, and happy. No, she doesn’t feel happy, she’s making me happy. Tentatively and slowly and carefully I wrap my arms around her in kind.
“Three years you’ve been waiting?”
“I have. It was at the derby. That I realized.”
“Tell me.”
“I saw you talking and laughing with a fellow trainer after we won. She’d made pretty eyes at you before. I hadn’t bothered me before you know. But that time…”
“Was different?”
A nod. A little sigh. “I felt jealous. I wanted you to be the one to laugh with me, not her. I knew then, that I wanted you to myself.”
“…and you waited, three years. No, longer. If it was at the derby… almost three and a half.”
“I was okay waiting for you Eli. I knew you’d need time.”
I go quiet. It’s true that I had never been one for romance. Or romantic gestures. Not just because they always went over my head. Just hearing Maru describe that conversation, and the way she caught I was being flirted with, without me ever realizing…
“Eli. You’re thinking again.” I blink back to reality to a broadly smiling Maru. Maybe she can read thoughts. I wonder if she can as she explains. “I know this kind of thing isn’t on your mind a lot. Hells, This year alone I watched you accept a dozen valentines gifts. And then eat the chocolate like it meant nothing. I knew it wasn’t on your mind. But I thought if I just waited...”
“…So you’re saying I broke a dozen hearts last valentine.”
She chuckles. “You’ve broken so many more than you know, Eli. Mine as well, a few times.”
“I’m sorry.”
She doesn’t answer, doesn’t refute my apology, she just hugs me a little closer. And I squeeze her back.
She whispers to me, her head buried in my hair. Her voice low and her tone sensitive. “When I saw you moved in next door. I thought you had finally realized. I thought you were just being cautious like you always are. Maybe hiding it, behind a bit of a facade, like you tend to do, that you really were realizing and understanding. I was ready for you to suddenly surprise me.”
“…And when I explained, that all came crashing down.” I add, quietly. It makes sense why it hit her so hard.
Hearing her talk about how enchanting our trainings were for her, it makes sense she couldn’t stand it.
“It took hearing you were scouting to realize I couldn’t wait any longer. I thought I was going to lose you.” And she squeezes a bit tighter. Perhaps forgetting her strength. It takes a mild squeal escaping me for her to loosen up again.
“I didn’t think you’d… go for a kiss.”
I smile, bashful. And look away. “You did ask me to show you, didn’t you?”
“That’s true, I did, didn’t I? And showed me you did.” I believe to hear her usual teasing tone. I never before realized how happy it makes me.
But there is still one thought. One small thought at the back of my mind.
“You know, this isn’t what trainer and trainee are meant-“
“I know.” She cuts in. “So let’s be more than just trainer and Trainee. I want to be so much more than that. We can be something else. Just you and me, hm?”
A month ago I would have agreed without a second thought. Spend my life with her, no questions asked. And yet- now that I’ve been meaning to find a new path in my own career, now that I’ve been planning out a future for myself. I have doubts. Hesitation.
Of course she picks up on it. Her ears faintly droop. A feeling of faint panic overcomes me. I don’t want to choose between her and being a trainer. For once I feel greedy. I want both.
“I want to.” My answer is weak. Without conviction.
“But something’s holding you back, isn’t it, Eli?”
“You know me too well.”
She smiles. Taking it as the compliment I meant it to be.
Then she leans in. At first my heart skips a beat, thinking she might kiss me- but all she does is lean her forehead against mine. Taller as she is, it feels like the hug is a bit fuller now, a bit more complete. “Let me have you for a little while. Just to myself. And then, you can scout again.”
I am taken aback. Surprised. I lean into the hug. Hug her just a bit tighter. “And that’s really okay with you? After… after how you felt?”
She chuckles, and without looking I know she’s smiling. “As long as I know I have your heart, your mind can go where it pleases. Besides, I won’t be your trainee anymore, will I?”
I don’t have an answer to that. I know I feel gratitude, but I don’t know how to express it. I don’t know how to express anything about this whirlpool of feelings. So we just keep hugging. She holds me tight, and slowly I realize that I’m not really hugging her. I’m clutching to her like one would to a fraying rope. My fingers are dug into the fabric of her clothes. My entire body is tense and I feel so very fragile.
And yet, as I keep close to her, her presence soothes me. I manage to relax, I manage to lean into the moment. Into the safety she is promising me. The anxiety that I felt, that fear that I might have lost her, it’s slowly peeling away to reveal other feelings. Other emotions. And among them a very different fear.
“This is so new to me.” I whisper. Barely audible. My voice shaky.
A warm chuckle rumbles through Maru. “I already told you, didn’t I? I adore that you are so oblivious.”
That fear is already just an afterthought. She knows who I am. Probably even better than I know myself. She knows what she wants. It just seems impossible for that something to be me. She has chosen this adventure for the both of us.
“Stay the night.” She murmurs. Her embrace shifts, just ever so slightly. More intense. A purpose behind the way she holds me.
And while my mind doesn’t quite comprehend the implications, my body seems to. I feel a heat coursing through me, my cheeks especially. An instinct that demands something from me.
It’s almost too much.
And then she surprises me. “You are so beautiful when you blush.”
It’s not even a tease. I know to tell those by now. No, it’s just an observation. A speaking aloud of a thought. And that makes it scarily honest. How could I decline her offer now?
“I will.”
She leans in again, and this time she does kiss me. It feels so different now. Not laden with the anxiety and the burden from before. No, this time feels intimate and desirable and indulgent. Sinful, almost, how good it feels to press my lips against hers.
I knew she was going to need to let go of me eventually. But as she does lean back, and her hands slide away from my back, I almost want to ask her to stay. To just stay this close a moment longer. I don’t find the courage, I just watch her take a single step back. And hold out a hand for me to take. I do not hesitate. I place my hand in hers.
Wordlessly she leads us to her bedroom, slides open the door. I follow, almost like in a trance. She let’s it fall closed behind us.
“How do you feel, hm?”
It’s such a simple question, and yet I have no answer. None that makes sense at least. It feels so bizarre to simply act on instinct but I do. And the only answer that I can think of is: “A lot.”
She guides me over to the bed, takes a seat atop it. Oranges and reds everywhere, her signature color. I don’t remember anything else about the room, all my attention focused on Maru. All I remember is that she beckoned me to take a seat next to her.
I do, without question. In only the dim light of a bedside lamp this truly does feel romantic in a way I had never dreamed of.
“…I know it’s a lot.” She whispers. “But we can take this at your pace.”
“My pace.” I smile. And just speak my thought. “And you’ll be my frontrunner.”
My little joke earns me a broad smile. The kind that I adore seeing, and realize that I will hopefully continue to see plenty more. “Yes. I’ll lead the way. Though I have to admit, this is pretty new to me as well.”
Her arm wraps around my shoulder, and gently she pulls me towards her. Just a tiny tug. I follow the motion, the intent, and lean against her. For a moment we just stay like that. The gentle rising and falling of her shoulders with every breath. The still rushing heartbeat in my ears. And this deep feeling of affection.
Then, slowly, I feel her leaning back. I both let myself fall back with her, as she drags me along. Before I know it we are laying side by side, her arms wrapped around me. Her larger shape almost enveloping me all around in the best way possible.
I never would have know I wanted this. I never would have dared to dream.
It feels like there is something I should say. That I should be thanking her, or something more. Is it love? Is this what it feels like? The word fits, and yet I don’t have the courage to say it. Not yet, not now. I don’t think I’ll know when.
She shifts, hugs me a bit tighter. “I’ve dreamed of this for such a long time, you know?”
“I understand now.”
“You really do. And there is so much more I want to show you. So much more I want to do to you.”
This time I catch on. This time I understand. Almost involuntary I shift and squirm as an idea rushes through my mind. A thought, a single one. It’s enough to make my breathing just that tiny bit heavier than it already was.
She doesn’t say anything, but I can tell she feels it. Her fingers run along my back, sightly up, then slightly down. She herself shifts, only so slightly. As though trying to get even closer to me.
“Not tonight.” I whisper. Not a denial, an ask to wait.
“No, not yet.” She responds.
But it’s a promise, that she will, eventually. And that I will let her.
Tonight though, I am happy being held. My world turned upside down in one evening.
The exhaustion catches up to me. My eyes close. Before I know it sleep has taken me.
That night I sleep better than I have in a long long time.