Chapter Text
Love you, love you, love you, love you
Love you, love you, love you, love you
Love you, love you, love you, love you
Love you, love you, love you, love you
Love you, love you, love you, love you
Love you, love you, love you, love you
You are my angel (are my angel)
Come from way above
Massive attack, Angel
”Stop it, fiend! Quattro Magia is here to stop your evil deeds!“ Magia Magenta loudly proclaims as we arrive on the scene.
”Violet, since you are our newest member, why don’t you show this demon how it is done?“
”Yes, Magenta.
I am Magia Violet, and we will punish you for causing such chaos.“
”Violet Vine“
I let my magic flow through a nearby flower bed and try to focus on the roots buried in the earth.
They grow with my command and immediately shoot out of the ground and bind the demon.
To think that I would ever stand next to my heroes like this, not only admiring them but being there with them, and they are even cheering me on.
Magenta’s cheerful smile, the serious but thoughtful nod from Azure and that gracious wink from Sulfur.
Oh, whatever I did to deserve this, I thank the heavens from the bottom of my heart.
The demon struggles against its binds, but it can only do so in vain.
My violet vines are not to be underestimated.
I see it readying a magic blast in its right hand, and I look over to see that Sulfur is already moving in front of me.
”Sulfur shield“
A huge golden circle appears in front of her, and the purple ball of dark magic explodes against it.
”Violet, darling, that was a nice move, but please always make sure that the enemy can’t use any magic, ok?“
”I‘m sorry, Sulfur.“
”No matter; you are still a beginner, and to be fair with the smoke cloud from this blast, both Magenta and Azure are already on the move, so just lean back and enjoy the show, darling.“
As if on command, the smoke clears, and I see pink and blue flashes zip past me, and in an X motion, the demon explodes in a puff of dark smoke.
”Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, that was the twin flash cut. I love this move. That is from their old 'duo magia' days.
”Calm yourself, Violet. Without your superb restraining techniques, we wouldn’t have had the opportunity to make such a decisive move.“
Oh god, Azure is so cool. She is always so level-headed but not without care and kindness; she is everything I want to be when I get older. To think she is the same age as me, but she is so mature.
Oh, I love this. This is a dream come true.
“Violet!“
“Violet is so cute!“
“She is so nice.” “Such a lovely lady.”
A huge crowd has gathered all around us. We land on the ground, surrounded by our fans.
“See, Violet-chan, you already have tonnes of fans.“
“Yes, darling, you might become the best of us.“
“Magenta and Sulfur speak true; you have the potential to be the greatest magical girl, and we would be honoured to fight alongside you, Magia Violet.“
This is… This is…
Oh, I am so happy I could cry.
I look around the crowd, some even wearing shirts with my face on it; to be honest, they might be a bit overzealous, and the others are way too exaggerating.
I don’t want to be the greatest magical girl; just being one of them and fighting against evil with other magical girls is enough for me; still, the cheers are kind of nice.
With some waving and a few winks to the crowd, I see a woman with a camera trying to take a picture.
Gotta give the people what they want.
I make a peace sign with my right hand and give her my biggest smile.
“Huh!“
“Look at that.“
“That smile.“
A moment of silence overcomes the crowd. I look around, confused, and…
“What weird teeth!“
“Yeah, she looks so freaky.“
“And that is supposed to be a magical girl?“
“She looks more like an animal than a person.“
“How can she even look at herself in the mirror?“
Oh, no, no, they saw it, dammit, I…
I…I’m…not…
“To shame, Violet, to think I said you could be the best of us.“
“Yes, Azure, she is looking more like a monster than a protector of peace.“
“Well, darling, you look absolutely awful and disgusting; that invitation to tea can go right out of the window.“
“Yeah, Sulfur, and why don't we throw Violet right out too?“
I…I… I’m not… please… I…
“Freak!“ “Loser!“ “Disgusting beast!“ “She should just disappear under a rock!“
I…I…
The roars of the crowd grow louder and louder, and Tres Magia is looking at me with such hate and disgust.
I…never…asked…for…these.
“Oh, so you are going to blame others for your own failure?“
“Don’t you know? A magical girl has to be perfect.“
“You don’t deserve this heart.“
Magenta comes closer and rips the amethyst heart gem from my collar.
“You are a disappointment, and I wish I had never met you.“ Magenta gives me another look of absolute contempt before spitting in my face.
I sink to the floor, my purple uniform dissolving before my eyes and the insults from the crowd growing louder and louder as Tres Magia flies away without looking back.
I take my knees to the chest and feel the cold air on my now exposed naked body. Tears are creeping up, and my nose is already running.
Why? What did I do wrong?
What did I do to deserve these damn teeth?
(I should rip out their throats.)
The crowd comes closer, and I feel a few wet sensations on my naked body. Rain crashes down on me as I start rocking back and forth. They see only a monster in me, same as in kindergarten, same as in preschool, and same as in my last two junior highs.
Why was I even born? Why do I have to suffer like this? (Why don't they just die!)
Magical girls, please save me. Please, hear my prayers. Please someone do something to make it stop.
I close my eyes and cover my ears; they are still getting closer, and the rain won’t stop. The drops feel like ice-cold needles against my skin, and the spit from Magenta still clings to my forehead like the brand of a sinner.
Mum, please save me.
Izumi, please make the scary things go away.
(Don't just look away and take care of your daughter for once.)
Nothing, just the same muffled insults and curses. The voices are still filled with the same vitriol and hate, but now instead of adults and fans that curse my existence, it is now the voices of kids and children that I hear.
No, not again. Please, I am not a monster; my teeth are just a bit larger and sharper. I don’t want them; I hate them too. Please stop this.
The first kick fills me with a burning sensation as the air gets expelled from my lungs. My stomach hurts, and the pain only spreads – and then the second one to my legs, the third one to my back, and the fourth and the fifth and the next and next.
Pain fills my very being as I try to shield my head from the assault, but now my ears are free again to hear them.
“This freak should just die!“
“Yeah, she is clearly not human.“
“Who would ever want to be friends with her?“
“Yeah, I even bet she eats bugs and drinks blood.“
“Yeah, Utena is so disgusting, and she still likes magical girls too.“
“Ha, still liking those?“
“How old is she, even?“
”She is such a little baby."
My whole body hurts, and my sobbing is somehow echoing through the laughter and cursing of the crowd. Suddenly I feel a wet sensation around my legs.
“Look, she just pissed herself.“
“Ha, she is such a loser.“
The kicking thankfully stops, but now they start laughing at me as the rain is still pouring down.
I don’t open my eyes; I can’t. Please, I don’t want any more; just please, someone stop this.
Please, magical girls save me!
(They won't; they never did before.)
Hear my prayer and save me from this hate, please. I never asked to be born like this…“
(And yet, I am cursed to endure while they fly up the beautiful sky.)
Nothing, silence.
Even the rain has stopped falling. I feel cold and wet, and I am hurting all over, but I can’t open my eyes. I can’t risk it.
“Utena, you know what you must do, right?“
(Listen to her!)
A new voice, a woman’s voice full of smugness and venom but sounding so familiar.
“Open your eyes, girl. They can’t hurt you anymore.“
I feel a warm touch on my shoulder; I flinch if only for a second. A laughter escapes the woman as she moves her hand over my body.
Long sharp nails burn against my skin, and a smoothness of her skin that defies logic soothes the pain right after.
She wipes a few tears away from my cheek as she leans in closer to my ear.
“You know what you must do against this injustice. Magical girls didn’t save you, and yet you want to be like them, so why not see if they can endure the same as you?
See how they feel after being beaten and spat on.
See how they feel when they piss themself before the eyes of others.
See how they like being brought down for just existing and just trying their best.
My dear, we love them for their nature and virtue, but are they all equal?
Open your eyes, Utena, find me and tell me your answer.“
She recalls her touch, and I hear her heels clicking on the ground as she takes a step back.
I shiver, but I feel better now. The words she spoke are so harsh, but somehow they feel right.
Magical girls are to be loved; they stand up for what is right and help save the weak.
Yet they never saved me from my torment, never even when I came home covered in blood; even when my parents tried to help, never did the magical girls come to my aid.
I see the image of Miracle Mimiru before me, her eyes clear and full of focus. She was never afraid; she never backed down.
(Yet she was only a fictional character and couldn’t help me.)
I see the image of Magia Cyan before me; she always helped those in need. Her smile was always a reminder that justice triumphs.
(Yet she retired years ago, and no one heard from her again.)
And I was alone without anyone.
I stretch out my limbs, the pain from their kicks still lingering, but something is keeping me together, love.
I love magical girls.
I love their cool transformations.
I love their pursuit of righteousness.
I adore their drive towards goodness.
They are always kind; they are always nice.
Magical girls are perfect, and I want to be just like them.
But they never noticed me…
I open my eyes. The sky that was clear and sunny before is now a scarlet red with dark, almost jet-black, clouds.
The rain has stopped, but the wind is now howling through the empty park.
I sit up and look around; the woman is nowhere to be seen.
Just quiet nothingness and the howl of the wind.
I try to stand up; my body is screaming, but I need to move. I try to cover myself and feel it between my legs.
Don’t focus on it; try to find the woman, Utena.
With quiet, slow, unsteady steps, I move forward, not sure where to, but everything is better than the place of my humiliation.
The air is cold, and the wind touches me everywhere at once. I wipe away my tears and the spit on my forehead.
Magia Magenta, would she really hate me?
No, this is nonsense; she is a magical girl. So are Azure and Sulfur. They would never be mean to me or hurt me, right?
Keep it together, Utena; this is just the nervousness talking.
Who was that voice though, and why did she seem so familiar…
Suddenly a strong gust of wind whips against me and throws me to the ground.
The sky darkens even more as the rain starts falling again with renowned effort.
But the raindrops aren't water but something else.
Dark, almost black and sticky like tar, it drenches everything and leaves nothing behind.
Such a retching, incipient feeling of nausea is making itself known in the back of my head as I finally see her silhouette in the corner of my eye.
I can’t make out any features other than golden eyes and a smile filled with sharp fangs.
She is sitting in a throne far away or maybe right next to me; distance becomes irrelevant as the sound of the black raindrops eradicates everything.
With her hand she beckons me towards her; I crawl forward, keeping my eyes locked on hers.
Such a cold golden glow that makes me shudder in fear, her smile full of sharp teeth ready to rip into my flesh as her voice echoes through the black rain like the orders of a devil.
“Utena, this isn’t where you belong; you are not a feeble slave crawling on the floor; you should be a queen like me. A terrible but beautiful queen, like the one you secretly admire."
”I don't admire –."
”Pale skin like moonlight should avail you, claws that can silence any noise should be your weapons, eyes that see through the lies of the masses and a smile that will instil fear into the hearts of the weak are to be your destiny.
If there is a magical girl that is worthy to stand before your throne, then find her and test her; see if she can stand up to you and be your equal.“
With a single crack of thunder, I get thrown into the air and whisked away from this somewhat terrifying monster.
I open my eyes and see only darkness. I turn and feel warmth on my body, a cold chill coming from my side.
I blink, and I am lying in my bed.
A dream; all of it was a dream. All the terrible curses and the disgust from Tres Magia – all of it is just a trick of my mind.
(I know what I feel.)
My breath is stuck in my throat, and sweat is dripping down from my forehead; this was the fifth time in a row that I had the Tres Magia version of that dream.
(And they should suffer for it.)
I sit up and check the time on my phone: 3 am. Still a few hours before I have to go to school, but I know that I won’t fall asleep again.
No, this dream only leaves me feeling sad and hateful.
It has to mean something specific, but for the life of me, I can’t figure it out. Looking out of my bedroom window, the sky is a clear dark blue with not a single cloud in sight.
With a sigh I still see and hear the words of the woman; they are buried deep in my skull like the bite of a tiny parasite.
Why should I be a queen?
Why do I have to test magical girls?
Who even was that woman?
All questions I have asked myself countless times. This dream has followed me for weeks now, with no end in sight, too.
Everything is always the same: I become a magical girl, I fight a demon and win, and a magical girl team is there to help me, only for them to turn against…
(Focus on her words and let them become my actions.)
I let my legs dangle from the side of the bed; only one thing to do now.
Try to freshen up in the bathroom and look at my snitter timeline to see if anything magical girl related happened in-between my sleeping hours.
Moving carefully so as not to wake up my parents, I tiptoe through the hallway to the bathroom. The coldness of the floor tiles scares me for a second, but that quickly fades as I turn on the light.
I let my eyes adjust to the sudden brightness and take a deep breath before turning to look in the mirror.
A monster is looking back at me.
The same pale, gloomy skin, the same sunken-in, dull amber eyes with bags under each that just keep making them look even duller and uglier.
My hair, an unkempt mess in this disgusting dark purplish colour. And then I open my mouth and see them, these damned accursed canines immediately gleaming in the bathroom light as if to mock me. I stick out my tongue to see the damage of another restless night and…yes, more bite marks on it.
Thankfully they didn’t go deep enough to pierce through it again; the bleeding is always the worst part, and I hate the taste of blood.
Yet, all I see before me is a monster. These teeth aren’t natural, no matter what the doctors said. I look like a monster, like a creature they tell spooky stories about to frighten children.
(If they want a monster, then maybe I should be one.)
All these strange dreams keep opening up these damn memories and the way magical girls are always there…
I turn on the faucet and wash away some of the sweat and a bit of my tiredness.
The water certainly helps me calm down a bit, and yet I can’t help but continue to stare at my reflection.
This girl shouldn’t exist, and yet here I am, still living in this nightmare of my long painful years getting bullied and beaten in school just because of these two things in my mouth. I look down on my wrists and at a pair of scissors sitting on a nearby shelf, maybe…
(Coward, I couldn't hurt myself if I wanted to; I am a coward.)
The dentist said they couldn’t do anything; I am too young to have surgery to remove them. And Izumi and Mum always said that I should accept them for what they are.
What was it they always said?
‘Utena, dear, these teeth make you special; not everyone has them, so don’t be afraid of being a little different.‘
Easy to say when you both don’t have them, and yet you acted shocked every time the school called because I got beaten and made fun of again.
(They can't grasp the pain, but they should.)
Looking back at it, I think the worst one was probably in my first week in junior high, when these three girls dumped a whole bucket of red paint over me, and the whole class kept calling me a vampire afterwards.
I grip my arms tightly as I keep staring into these empty eyes of mine. My grip soon becoming harder and harder as I dig my nails into the skin on my arms, just thinking about these damned faces of these damned girls and the damned laughter of the class.
(They must be punished! They don't deserve happiness.)
The teachers that kept trying to invest in anti-bullying campaigns that went nowhere – no, the worst was when they just didn’t care anymore to interfere.
(Fools, they enjoyed watching me be beaten and broken.)
Mum was so mad that she broke an office chair when she confronted the principal. But that was only the first transfer.
The second junior high wasn’t that much better either. There they just beat me for being different; I still feel the bruises and the pain in my back from their kicks today.
(This must be repaid tenfold.)
This time it was Izumi who went mad and actually went to the home of every classmate I had to berate them. Still, it didn’t matter.
The second transfer had to happen, and, well, now it seems to be working, but I don’t really feel much anymore besides pain and fear and hate.
(This will be their undoing; they don't know what they created.)
I do my best not to speak or draw attention; I keep to myself at the back of the class and never let them see me open my mouth.
If only the teachers would finally stop trying to make me eat lunch in the classroom. The stairs to the roof are quiet and abandoned, perfect for me to eat without the risk of being seen.
And then the damn beautification committee.
'Oh, Utena, it would do you wonders to join a club and just talk to people.' Yeah, Mum, sure it would, if I actually wanted that.
Still though, it isn’t all bad; my lazy club colleagues leave me with almost all of the work, but it also means I don’t have to interact with any of them, and I like taking care of the flowers at school.
(They are pretty and perfect, just like magical girls.)
Ok, this is enough self-pity. You are not dreaming anymore; you have school in a couple of hours, and remember that there was some discussion going on at one of the bigger forums, so it's better to just let the internet drown me in sweet magical girl bliss and ignore that vile feeling like always.
Settling back into my bed and opening Magiaonline (the biggest and most well-maintained forum about magical girls in Japan), I am greeted by a bunch of posts still about the disappearance of Gladiolus botania.
Curious that this is still relevant now; normally these types of posts only stay relevant for maybe a week before it settles back into normality. Maybe it is still talked about because of that fire in the botanical gardens two days ago.
Looking through a few posts, nobody knows anything concrete, just random ideas and theories. Nobody has seen her in days, and the fact that the fire happened in her area of jurisdiction makes it all the stranger.
Well, a few other magical girl teams have also disappeared, but there hasn’t been any official statement from the mascots.
I look over at a pair of plushies sitting on my cabinet. One is white with pink hearts, and the other is green with red moons on them. The official mascots of Japan’s magical girls: Vatz-chan and Vera-chan.
Truth be told I didn’t really care to get them, but they were part of an anniversary package for Ruby Valiant and Crystalline Coral. Ah, such sweet memories of the duo figurines of the red magical girls of Yokohama and Chiba.
Solo magical girls are truly special, and their merch is ten times rarer than the rest. Still though, Mum was pretty furious when I told her the price for the whole package.
But art is worth every single price.
Sacrifices have to be made in order for happiness to sometimes be achieved.
(Yes, the world owes it to me for all the suffering.)
Wow, that sounds way too poetic. Still, though the Ruby Valiant figurine is among my favourite pieces. But I take a look at my bedside table and at my Magia Magenta Alarm clock with ten different wake-up sounds and smile. Of course, I have learnt to smile without showing my teeth and sometimes without opening my mouth entirely. Learning how to eat without hurting myself, though, that was the real challenge.
(Don't forget about the deluxe figurine, hidden in the closet.)
Bad thoughts, again, Utena.
Why don’t I look at the new fanarts and see if something catches my eye?
With an excited swipe, I change over to the Fanart section and… what is this?
Through a bit of a shy blush and with some trembling hands, I look right at Magia Sulfur's face, red on her cheeks with sweat on her face as her body is…
NO, I CAN’T LOOK AT THIS.
I close my phone and close my eyes, yet she is still there; Sulfur is still in my mind’s eye, naked…with…something, hanging from… her… exposed… chest.
Oh, gods, who would defile the image of this living goddess with such filth? It almost makes me want to tear out my hair in frustration; how could such an image be shown here?
This is…
This is far too…
(She is where she should be.)
I open my phone again and look at it again.
The colours are so vivid, and the yellow of her boots and gloves contrasts so beautifully with her blue eyes and golden hair. Yet I can’t help but stare at her chest and what looks like clothespins on her…
(She must've felt even a tiny amount of the pain in my heart.)
I turn the phone off again and just try to concentrate on something different; the ceiling is nice. Yeah, just continue looking at the ceiling and don’t focus on the heat in your cheeks or between your legs.
Why do I feel so funny all of a sudden?
Why do I open it again?
Is there something I am missing here?
Looking at this picture again, I take in the expression on Sulfur’s face, the red blush on her cheeks, but she grits her teeth, and there are tears in the corners of her eyes, and yet they sparkle with determination and pride.
I zoom in on her face and on those eyes.
These are the eyes of a true magical girl, so full of hope and struggle even against the greatest odds. It makes me blush to see such an immaculate depiction of a magical girl's beauty, and my eyes wander down her body.
The torn uniform that exposes her beautiful body, this warm skin and this toned stomach is making my own flutter, but I don’t stop there; her arms and legs, still dressed in the yellow gloves and boots, are cuffed to a wall as she is obviously struggling to break free.
Oh, she is so full of fight and spirit; this is a magical girl. The true beauty of seeing them overcome every obstacle, no matter what.
Ah, such bliss. I save the image before it can get taken down and let it sit in my mind's eye for a bit as I lay myself down in bed again; even if sleep won’t find me, this feeling of pure wonder will keep me warm and full of comfort. This is a true magical girl, and such a spirit could never hate me.
(She should suffer and emerge more beautiful than ever before.)
“The power of friendship will always triumph!“
I open my eyes to be greeted by a ray of sunshine hitting me through the window. Looking over at my Magia Magenta Alarm clock before turning it off, it is now 6 AM.
Huh, I guess this picture has really helped me in more ways than one.
Well, guess I better get ready for school.
(Don't let them try to break me again.)
“I’m off.“
“Have a wonderful school day, sweetie, and remember me and Izumi have a longer workday, so we won’t be home until late at night.“
“Ok.“
Alright, just another normal school day, Utena; just get through it like always and don’t stand out.
Well, the morning was as uneventful as ever. Izumi was already at work, and Mum was also preparing to leave for her job.
I guess it is nice to know that my parents are as enthusiastic about their work as always.
(They should be ashamed for ignoring my suffering.)
Huh?
Why is there a large crowd in the park?
I edge closer to this huge wall of people, all seeming to be looking up, and as I take my eyes up too, I am greeted by a pink, blue and yellow dot up in the sky.
Oh gods, I know these colours; I know who they are.
TRES MAGIA, TRES MAGIA, TRES MAGIA, TRES MAGIA!
Here, this early in the morning, for all to see. A few tears are already forming at the corners of my eyes, but I wipe them away immediately. I have to see all of this in all of its glory.
Looking a bit closer, it seems they are fighting a black demon that shoots fireballs at them.
They are so cool; Magia Sulfur blocks any and all attacks while Magia Azure keeps charging in to get close to the demon, and Magia Magenta keeps a lookout for any stray projectiles.
They are so perfect; they are so cute and strong and…huh?
Why is the demon coming closer?
“Run!
“Help us, Tres Magia!
Everybody run!”
In the giant stampede that now follows, I get pushed to the side as people flee from the approaching demon. Trying to even orientate myself becomes next to impossible as more and more people push past me and run away, even though I stood right behind everyone. With the sheer aggression and panic from everyone, I find myself pushed to the ground, trying to cover my head with my hands in the hopes that I don’t get trampled.
After a few loud and pretty scary seconds in which every slight bump I felt threw me into an even deeper state of panic, I open my eyes and try to see what happened.
I look around and…
“AAAAHHHHHHHHH“
The demon is right in front of me and is looking straight at me. Its red eyes hidden behind a bone-white mask are staring daggers at me, and yet it doesn’t move an inch. I try to look for Tres Magia, and I see Magia Magenta moving towards us with incredible speed.
Just stay calm, Utena; maybe it won't hurt you.
Just as I thought this, however, it extends one of its clawed hands towards me and reaches for me.
I try to crawl away from this thing, but I somehow can’t move a muscle as I just keep on looking at its eyes.
Please, Magenta, anyone, please save me. Please, I don’t want to die!
(Curse this world that wants to destroy me so much!)
“Magenta Spear Shot.“
With a thundering crash, a pink spear gets launched straight at the demon's chest and finds its mark as the demon screams in pain.
Magia Magenta immediately lands in between me and it and is standing her ground defensively as the demon rises to its feet with the spear still in its chest.
”Stop right there, fiend. You will not harm this girl for as long as I live!“
Even in such a perilous situation, she shines so beautifully and is so brave. Magenta really is the ideal magical girl.
Truth be told, she always was my secret favourite.
She was the first magical girl in my hometown.
Her days as a solo magical girl were incredible.
And with her as the leader, I got to see a team of magical girls be formed right before my eyes.
I still remember the announcement of Magia Azure’s debut and the hype I felt when I was there live during Magia Sulfur’s official debut, but there is something about Magia Magenta which touches my heart deeply.
The demon rips the spear out of its chest and immediately rushes towards Magenta with flames building in both hands. Black smoke keeps pouring out of its chest as it roars a horrifying shriek of pain.
Magenta takes a deep breath before ducking under the right arm and hitting it in the stomach with a magical blast of her own.
“Magenta Heart Attack“
She gently touches the demon's stomach before it gets blown away when a heart-shaped hole explodes in its body.
With a sudden crash, the blown-away body of the demon lands on the ground and starts to disintegrate in black smoke entirely.
Magenta turns around to face me and looks down at me with a big smile before crouching down to me.
(She really is an angel in human form.)
“Are you ok? I hope that demon didn’t hurt you or anything. If it did, please tell me, and I can heal it immediately.“
Huh…uhhh…. Mag… Magia…. Magenta
She is speaking to me; she is looking at me; she asks if I am ok; she…she…she…
She is looking away from me with an embarrassed blush after looking at me.
W..wha…what…
I slowly look down on myself and… a large dark stain on my skirt.
No… No… NO…
Tears are already falling down my face as my nose starts to run.
I really did…
Magia Magenta saw that I…
She saw that I wet myself from being scared by that demon.
Please, gods, if you are there, please just let your divine light hit me and turn me to dust.
Please don’t let anyone know that I pissed myself right in front of one of my heroes.
Please let there be an empty grave where I can crawl into right now.
I close my eyes and let the noise of my surroundings be blocked out by my sobbing.
Of all the moments to meet and potentially talk with Tres Magia, and one of them has to see me like this.
I don’t deserve to be looked at by this goddess, and yet she asked if I am ok. She shouldn’t concern herself with a worm like me; I belong on the dirty floor, forever bound to look up at her and her comrades.
(The light isn't worthy of me; the darkness gives me comfort; they wouldn't survive a day in my skin.)
Magical girls belong in the beautiful heavens and shouldn’t acknowledge my existence.
Maybe I deserved the torture and bullying if I can only embarrass myself like this.
”Hey, don’t worry about this. I am sorry that I didn’t react faster, so please stop crying and look at the bright morning sun, please. You were very brave for not running away and potentially agitating that demon.“
My eyes open upon feeling a warm, soft touch on my shoulder. I open my eyes to look up at a pair of beautiful jade green eyes.
“I told Azure and Sulfur to stay up there; your secret is safe with me, so how about I take you home, and you can rest and sleep this whole thing away?
I promise you, no one will ever find out about this, and truth be told, the first time I saw a demon up close like this, it happened to me too, so please don’t feel ashamed or sad about it right now.“
Magenta extends me her hand and gives me one of the biggest smiles I have ever seen. With the way the sun is right behind her, she truly looks like a goddess illuminated by a halo of light.
This is…
…Heaven
I can only move my arm with the most extreme effort; my whole body is shaking like it was the hardest winter. My breath isn’t daring to escape in hopes of ruining this moment even more.
I dare not look at those eyes; the way they shine is almost hurting me with their sheer warmth.
(She is a true divine being, and I am filth that should disappear from this world.)
Finally, after a few very long and awkward seconds, I manage to almost reach Magenta’s hand before I suddenly feel something warm running down my nose and Magenta changes her expression from kind warmth to concern.
“Hey, everything ok? Your nose is bleeding, and you look pretty pale.“
Ah…this must be heaven that finally showed me something beautiful at the end.
(Truly this world doesn't deserve this angel in front of me.)
- Hours later
I open my eyes and am again greeted by darkness and a small chill from the window next to my bed. So this must have been another dream, I guess?
Well, that would make sense. I mean, in what world would I be saved by Magia Magenta?
(I don't deserve her kindness.)
Huh, and for a moment I thought I really did wet myself in front of her, haha.
Ah, stupid dreams.
Well, I guess it must be time for school, so let’s see if anything interesting happened last night and…
Why is my phone telling me that it is almost 8 PM?
With not-so-graceful speed, I get out of bed and immediately run downstairs.
Through the kitchen and into the living room, and there are my parents looking absolutely anxious.
“Utena, sweetie, thank the gods you're awake.“
”Angel, are you alright?"
Immediately Mum gets up from the couch and envelops me in a big hug while Izumi sits in her chair with tears in her eyes.
“Oh, sweetie, we were so scared when she brought you here.
We thought you would never wake up again."
“Mum, what happened? I remember walking to school and then a crowd of people and Tres Magia were fighting a demon, and then… “
“Shh, shh, shn, sweetie, it’s ok. Tres Magia saved you, and Magia Magenta carried you here. We were lucky that she came just as I was leaving the house."
“What happened to me, Mum?“ My grip on her tightens as I feel tears building up.
“You just passed out from stress, sweetie. But don’t worry about this; Magia Magenta called a doctor, and she already examined you while you were passed out.
I was so worried, and you wouldn’t believe how much Izumi wanted to immediately rush home after I called her.
”Oh, Angel, of course I came running home immediately; I almost hit someone with my car, but I made it just as the doctor came." Izumi stands up from her chair, still tears in her eyes as she joins the hug.
“So, that means it wasn’t a dream, and I really was saved by Tres Magia, and Magenta helped me, and... and... I really did…“
I sob into Mum's shoulder as the weight of the situation hits me. I really did pee myself in front of a magical girl, and Magenta was even helping me through the embarrassment of that.
I don’t deserve this...
“Sweetie, please calm down. The doctor said stress isn’t good for you, and to be honest, you know we hate to see you sad. You have nothing to fear or be ashamed about, and don’t even think about what happened today.”
”Please, don’t hurt yourself over it, angel; it wasn’t your fault, and you did nothing wrong.“
I embarrassed myself completely in front of a magical girl, and even if nobody ever finds out, I know, and Magia Magenta knows it too.
After settling down a bit and listening to my parents explaining a few more things about what happened after I passed out, I changed out of my pyjamas and told them that I needed some fresh air.
Of course they tried to dissuade me, but truth be told, I just couldn’t stand being confined to the house any longer.
The endless searching for any kind of footage of the attack today left me worked up and nothing else.
I found nothing, not a single message, nothing. No photo or recording of any kind; even the deepest, most obscure forums and chat rooms were empty.
It was almost like this attack didn’t happen, but then I found my dirty school uniform in the laundry basket, and it came crashing down on me again.
I had to stop; I had to think of anything else; I had to escape from the confines of my home. Being surrounded by all of my collected merchandise would normally make me happy, but looking at my Tres Magia poster filled me with shame, staring at my Magenta alarm clock made my stomach churn, and even looking at my phone and the little sticker on the back made me just angry and miserable.
Something, anything – I just had to change the scene and be able to think about something else.
So, with no better option, I went for a little walk and for some reason decided that I should go to the park where it happened this morning.
The night sky is getting cloudier, and Izumi said I should probably take an umbrella with me just in case, but I didn't intend to stay out that long, just enough to clear my head.
Now with nothing better to do and feelings of shame and guilt looming over me like the darkest rain cloud, I stand in front of a vending machine.
I am not really thirsty, but just looking at all the different flavours and, more importantly, all the different magical girl branded options fills me with a sense of calm somehow.
“Magical girls really are incredible; they are so nice and pretty, and they have such awesome transformations.
They don’t have to worry about whether people will notice their ugly teeth, because magical girls are perfect.
They are so brave; they would never pee themselves from facing a demon.
They could never be a loser with no friends who only stares at them from the dirty ground.
Magical girls are perfect and belong among the heavens, whereas I belong on the ground, looking up at them and gazing in awe at all the things they are and all the things I am not.
I could never be a magical girl.
Who would ever want to be saved by me?
Who would ever cheer me on?
Who would ever look up at me?“
“Well, maybe there is something else you could do, Utena Hiiragi.“
I turn around from the vending machine, and suddenly I am face to face with golden eyes and a golden smile.
“Ahhh“ With a loud shriek I take a few steps back. The voice that was just saying my name belongs to a strange creature. It is floating in midair with no wings. Instead, it has a small pure black body with a pretty big head with what look like rabbit ears on top. A golden star on its chest and one dangling like a tail from its body, arms hidden behind long black sleeves and a face consisting of two golden eyes and a golden smile. This almost looks like a...
“Sorry if I scared you; my name is Venalita. I am—“
“Ah, you're a mascot-like character that gives an ordinary girl the power to transform into a magical girl.“ My hands are shaking as my excitement boils over. While I have seen the two mascots of Japan in videos often enough and even own a Vatzalita and Veralita plushie, I would have never imagined that I would ever come face to face with a real mascot.
Wait, hold on a second. What could it possibly want from me? I… I just…
“Seems like you already know most of the stuff already, so Utena Hiiragi, what do you say? Are you interested in gaining some awesome magical powers and taking to the skies yourself to stand face to face with magical girls?“
“Uhm, I can’t. I mean… I’m not… "
“Well, I guess I should explain a few things first. Would you mind sitting down on that bench over there?” They point towards one of the nearby benches and float over to it, signalling me to follow.
(I shouldn't trust it.)
I don’t know what is real any more and what is a dream.
Can someone please tell me, am I dreaming or is this real?
With burning curiosity I follow this mascot and sit down on the designated bench.
“So, first up, again, my name is Venalita; nice to meet you, Utena Hiiragi.
You’re probably wondering why I would choose someone like you to be a magical girl.
Well, to put it bluntly, I don’t want to turn you into a magical girl.“
Huh?
“Uhm, Venalita-san, I don’t think I understand.“
“Not surprising, anyway, I want to make you an offer unlike any other.
So, you know about magical girls, these shining beacons of light and justice and all that is good in the world?“
I want you to join me in a battle against them, against this corrupt and false symbol of this putrid light. Utena, I want you to become a villain, a dark magical girl, and show the world what a true magical girl looks like.
But not to worry; you are not supposed to be this true magical girl. Have you ever noticed how some magical girls just appear and disappear after basically doing nothing?“
”Uhm, what do you mean exactly?“
”So, for example, are you familiar with a magical girl by the name of Rosaria Gloria?“
”Oh, sure, she was a bit of an odd one who was flying solo in Saitama a couple of years ago, but then she just …“
”Disappeared without a trace, no news of a fight that ended her, no news of a supposed retirement, nothing. Utena, she didn’t sell well; that is why the mascots decided to cut her off.
She was a brilliant star and had such potential, but parents didn’t want to buy their children her merchandise, and companies didn’t print her on any sodas or candies.
I guess the people didn’t like a nun magical girl with a giant club. And the funniest thing, do you know where Rosaria Gloria is today?“
”I...I... don’t know.“
”Utena, she became addicted to drugs and died a year ago in complete obscurity. She died achieving nothing because some corporate overlord didn’t like the numbers she was selling and the mascots these White and Green idiots – what did they do for her?
I’ll tell you what they did for her: they gave her dreams and hopes of bettering the world, of saving innocents and fighting evil. The one she was under, Veralita, didn’t even show up to her funeral; just sent condolences to a grieving family and left them with a dead sixteen-year-old daughter who died sad and abandoned on a drug overdose. “
”But this can’t be real; magical girls are supposed to protect the people no matter what. I don’t believe that she would just disappear like that and for that reason.“
“Believe what you want, Utena, but I didn’t lie just now. Any magical girl that doesn’t fit the quota or doesn’t sell well is getting the boot and doesn’t even get to keep her powers or name.
Now here is the important question. What can you do against this injustice?
The answer is rather simple, and that is also where you come in. You who loves magical girls, who knows how a magical girl should be, who prayed to be saved by one and looked in the eyes of one, I want you to fight them with all your heart and rip off their false wings so that their true ones may grow.
Utena, shame them, humiliate them and drag them down to the dirty ground where you stand. If they are worthy of being a magical girl, then surely they will rise again, stronger and more beautiful than you can even imagine, free of these corporate strings that hold them back.
(The mascot may speak true.)
I won’t force you, and I only ask you to do 4 fights with Tres Magia. If you don’t want to, then it’s fine, but I have to mention that I already have some other candidates in mind too, and they might not handle magical girls with the same care I’m sure you would.“
”Uhm… This sounds more like you are forcing me to do this, and the thought of fighting my beloved magical girls sounds absolutely horrible, but I do want to see them succeed and be beautiful, so… I don’t know.“
Utena, this isn’t an easy decision, so I would like to give you time, but, sadly, I am short on supply of that as of late, so I’m going to need an answer today.
If there are questions, I can answer them; just please listen to what I have to say.
Utena, do you want to remain on the ground?
Do you want to keep praying for them to come save you?
Did a magical girl ever help you when you came home crying from kindergarten?
I saw that you were saved by Magenta today, and she has the makings of a real hero of justice, but Utena, do you want to continue to shriek and be terrified and shame yourself in front of these great heroes?
Or do you want to repay her kindness by helping her be an even greater magical girl?”
”How do you know all of this? Were you stalking me? I-”
”Utena, I am a magical mascot. If I didn’t know anything about you, I wouldn’t have approached you.“
"But I… I’m not… Why me?“
”Because you love magical girls, Utena and I love them too.
Please, in order for them to be even better, we must play the villains and challenge them. I don’t want to see more cases like Rosaria Gloria; she could have been such a great magical girl and yet never had the chance to.
We don’t hurt them too much; Utena and I sure as hell won’t allow the senseless killing of one. Every fight must have a purpose, every opportunity must be a grand show, and every tear that is shed must be replaced by a wave of new courage and determination.
Wasn’t there ever a villain that really stuck with you?
Isn't the purpose of a good villain the improvement of their hero?"
What Venalita is saying makes sense; of course it makes sense, but something tells me that this is wrong. I shouldn’t do this; I shouldn’t even think of this, and yet… Magenta.
”Ok, I’ll do it. I’ll be a villain for your four fights, but please don’t make me hurt them more than necessary; magical girls are treasures and should be treated as such.“
”Thank you, Utena. I promise you won’t regret this. Now just to clarify, I’ll give you a transformation item in a second, and then we can see what your magic ability is and plan the encounters with Tres Magia.“
Venalita’s tone didn’t change once in this entire conversation; it always remained this cute, high-pitched voice, and their smile never fades ever.
This thing creeps me out a bit, and the fact that it knows so much about me and about…
Ugh, but what they said about Rosaria Gloria must be true; it would explain her sudden disappearance all too well, but can these mascots really be so heartless as to just leave a magical girl like this?
If I can change and help Tres Magia become stronger than ever, then it should be my duty. The bright smile from Magia Magenta and the picture of the bound but defiant Magia Sulfur are racing through my mind.
Another image comes before my mind's eye, one I haven’t seen since… Queen Nehelenia.
Yes, the villainous queen from Sailor Moon. She was so powerful and scary, the way she brought the Sailor team to their knees. I remember seeing her for the first time all those years ago with my parents in the cinema.
The mirror shard arc fascinated me, everyone working together to beat the evil queen and then Moon's new form, the shining flowing skirt, the angel wings and that radiant light.
Ah, how much I wanted to talk about it with anyone, how much I love this arc, how much I love magical girls and yet… they hated me for it.
’Urgh, you like magical girls; grow up, you baby. They aren’t cool.‘
’Haha, Utena, you're still into magical girls. This is second grade; why can’t you just grow up already, haha?'
On and on it went; nobody liked magical girls where I grew up, and nobody seemed to care about them or their beautiful magic and dazzling smiles.
Don’t worry, my darlings; I care, and I will make sure you shine like the brightest stars. I will be your villain if only for a bit, and I will make you so much better than I could ever be.
”I am ready, Venalita. I will play the villain and make them shine for our love of magical girls.“
”That’s a nice expression you have; I like the determined look in your eyes. "Alright, take this star and say the words 'Trans Magia'."
Venalita pulls out a four-pointed golden star from their sleeve and lets it float over to me.
It’s so cold and heavy, like it really is made out of solid gold, yet strangely the weight feels almost natural in my hand. I take a deep breath before saying the words that will help my darlings.
”Trans Magia“
The first thing I feel is a cold wetness hitting my body. It feels like rain and yet heavier; I can’t see anything but darkness, but I somehow don’t feel scared. The quietness and calm are actually quite nice, and the gentle rhythm of the rain almost feels like a heartbeat.
Then a touch, a hand gliding over my body, over my leg, over my stomach, over my breasts and finally over my neck.
”Utena, finally you came; now we can speak face to face.“ This voice, it is the one from my nightmares, the woman that comforts me after everyone calls me a freak and monster. Her voice sounds so familiar, but I can’t place it, and through the darkness I can’t see her, only hear her and feel her.
”Who are you?“
”Darling, I am who you aren’t. I am your hidden thoughts, the darkness of your soul. For every declaration of love you speak to magical girls, I grow and yearn to teach them suffering.
Utena, this star gives us a chance to finally put our feelings into action. Haven’t you realised that we not only love magical girls?"
”What do you mean?“ I feel her hand touching my neck again, stroking up and down with her long nails, leaving behind a burning sensation on my skin that makes me squirm if only a little.
"Utena, we love magical girls for what they represent, but we also hate them for not staying true to their ideals.
How many years have we suffered under their noses?
How much humiliation have we endured while no magical girl has ever given us true comfort?
No, Utena, we love what they represent, but we don’t love them if they aren’t true to the ideals of a magical girl. They are supposed to be perfect, so they should help a scared little girl that just wants to be like them.
But look at us: the slouched shoulders, the eyes that dare not look up at other people, the smile that never appears, the joy you don’t have while they fly through the sky unburdened by everything.
Magia Magenta was a good representation of what a magical girl should be, but are we sure that she holds true to these beliefs all the time? What about Magia Azure or Magia Sulfur?
Venalita gave us a chance to find that answer, so I’ll say embrace your darkness and let us find out together what they can endure.“
”Yes, I don’t want to suffer anymore.
I don’t want to just look up at them.
I want to look down on them while they squirm on the floor, looking up at me with disdain and hatred, the same hatred I have in my soul.
I want them to rise up to their feet and challenge me with the same love for justice that I have in my heart.“
”Well spoken. Now let me be free, and we will become one as the perfect obstacle for them.“
”Do as you want and make me a queen of nightmares, like Nehelenia.“
Her hand recoils from my neck, and I see two golden eyes emerge from the darkness. Finally, after so many weeks of seeing her, of hearing her, I finally see her truly, and the face that stares back at me, with a pale complexion and these glowing golden eyes, with a smile that shows off two massive fangs, is my own face.
She is my reality. I love magical girls, and I hate magical girls. No longer will I be scared of being called a monster, because a monster is what I need to become in order to see true magical girls.
She/Me gives me a kiss on the lips, letting my/her fangs glide over my bottom lip like a knife cutting through butter. She lets my lip bleed and licks it up with her tongue as she invades my mouth fully, her tongue exploring every corner and using my blood as lubricant to claim me as hers.
I feel my breath stop as her long claws embrace me in a cold hug. Her body is like a giant piece of ice, and being so close to her chest, I can feel no movement from her heart. She is a living, breathing monster that feeds on me, and I am ok with it because I am this monster.
She finally breaks up the bloody kiss and moves down to my neck, licking it with an obscenely long tongue, her saliva coating my neck as her breath tickles my ear. She is moving with such a loving grace, and yet, it feels more like getting claimed by a predator. First a small prick, then a second one as I feel a throbbing ache in my neck; finally, she/I will become one, and I/she will become the monster that we need to be.
”Do it, claim your prize.“
”Utena, we are not the prize; we are the curse.
A curse to magical girls and their only hope."
With these words, she fully punctures my neck with her fangs and begins to slowly suck up my inhibitions and fears. It feels incredible, so soft and yet so violent, no pain, and yet it keeps burning and spreading throughout my whole body.
I am truly at peace and feel something cold creep up my body as the warmth leaves me; my skin is turning paler and paler as my heartbeat slows down and grows quieter and quieter.
I don’t need it; I know love, and I know what I must do.
With every drop of blood that leaves my body, I feel her body disappearing more and more; her legs trying to interlock with mine slowly fade with every brush, and something tight and leathery creeps its way up my lower body. Her hands holding my own vanish as another leathery feel moves up to my elbows. Finally she stops her feeding and moves down to my chest. Her hair brushing over my breast as she licks her blood-red lips and kisses my left nipple before immediately moving on to the right and finally giving me one last look at her face, her golden eyes glowing in the dark and her smile so dangerous but alluring.
”Utena, use the power that Venalita gave you and make them see true terror; bring them into your darkness and only let them go if they shine bright enough."
And with these final words, she fully disappears in a mass of black, oily raindrops.
I let out a breath I didn’t remember holding and finally opened my eyes to the truth.
I’m standing in the same park, and Venalita is looking at me with a big smile. I turn around and see that dark clouds have fully obscured the night sky. Curious, it felt like such an eternity, and yet no time at all seemed to pass.
”My, oh my, this was only your first transformation, and you already have unlocked at least 30 percent of the strigoi star. You are even better than I thought you were.
Do you want a mirror to truly admire your new appearance, Utena?“
"No need, Venalita. I don’t need to see it; I already feel them in my mouth." My fangs have grown longer and sharper, and my nails have also grown and darkened. Claws and fangs.
"I really have become a monster, haven’t I?“
”You are not a monster; you are someone that knows love, and love is the most innocent emotion there is, so please don’t look down on yourself.“
”Oh, I won’t look down on myself. No more; I am supposed to be the villain of Tres Magia, right? Then I shouldn’t feel bad about it; villains laugh in the face of such foolish nonsense."
Hahahahaha.
I turn to see my reflection in the glass front of the nearby vending machine, with a pale complexion like a zombie, dark purple leather pants and gloves, and a white ruffle skirt that clings onto a tight leather corset that leaves my belly and my chest completely exposed. Purple heels with golden stars, two star-shaped pasties covering my exposed chest and my transformation star hanging from my neck surrounded by two bat wings. I see my eyes, and they have lost all lustre and become a dull gold; my pupils turned to stars, and something is burning…
”Urgh, hot...my…cheeks.“
”Don’t worry; it’ll be over in a second.“
Not giving Venalita any attention, I move directly in front of the vending machine, keeping my eyes peeled on my cheeks as something burns its way into my skin. The pain lasts only a second before two stars find themselves on my skin, like they were branded on. With a small touch of one, I feel an incredible surge of power flowing through me.
”Two stars, huh? Not bad for a new dark Magia. These stars represent your raw magical power. More may appear if you gain more strength, but for now they are plenty.
So, how do you feel?“
”Like a monster.“
(Please save me.)
I turn to face Venalita, a single tear running down my left eye.
"This is what I must be for my darlings, my angels, my first love.
They need a villain, then a villain I will be."
(I just want to admire them and not hurt them.)
”Stop right there, fiend!
Tres Magia is here to stop your evil deeds!“
I look up at the night sky and see three girls floating in the air.
The one on the left holds her golden rod in her hands and is smiling the night away like a cat.
The right one is looking down at me with a serious and determined expression on her face.
And the one in the middle pointing down her magenta rod at me with a smile.
I can only look on as I stand face to face with Tres Magia, but not as a civilian but as a monster that wants to save them.
A thunderous rumble can be heard from the distance as the first drops of rain begin to fall.
(Please, save me, Tres Magia.)