Work Text:
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A list, written on a long, dog-eared sheet of parchment that unfolds to several feet in length. Covered in text written in a mostly-neat hand, sometimes punctuated by bouts of wobblyness and tearing of the paper. At the very bottom of the paper, a large "KILI WAS HERE p.s. my brother is an idi-- (text unfinished)" is scrawled.
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The Oakenshield Commandments
+ Applying to all who journey in the company of Thorin Oakenshield:
- Uproarious singing in any occassion shall not include forcing me to join in.
- If there must be a food fight by all means take care not to hit me with any. (ammendment: moreso if we are having fish)
- Remember that we hate elves.
- If you are caught fraternizing with, praising, or admiring elves (we hate them), you are sentenced to pony duty.
- Anyone who yells "Orcs" while I am sleeping because they think my reaction is amusing will likewise be sentenced to pony duty. It is not amusing.
- No one is allowed anymore to hide Oin's ear trumpet and force him to play a game of "I spy" before you will return it to him.
- Bombur is not, in fact, a living trampoline and you will not treat him as such.
- No one shall refer to my periods of private insightful contemplation as "majestic brooding".
- Nori's head is not actually shaped like that and none of you are allowed to try and shave him in his sleep to find out.
- If Ori knits you something, you will graciously accept it and not tease him for it or make him cry.
- None of you shall "accidentally" eat another's share of food, even if you are Bombur.
- Expecially if you are Bombur.
- Jokes about mistaking Dwalin's head for the moon are no longer funny, as are offers to polish it for him.
- The game of "Toss the Hobbit" is strictly banned from now on.
- You are no longer allowed to feed Bombur as a form of entertainment.
- For Bombur: You will check first before sitting down anywhere. I cannot afford to risk losing Mr. Baggins again.
- For Gloin: You may stop constantly showing us the locket containing pictures of your wife and son. We are well aware how lovely they are.
- It is impolite to ask Mr. Baggins to massage your backs by running up and down on it.
- The size of Orcrist shall not be referred to as "compensating for something".
- Mr.Baggins shall not attempt to use Bombur's beard ring as a swing.
- I do not wish to see another barrel again in my life. (next to this, in the same hand that wrote "Kili was here" at the foot of the list, is a small doodle of a barrel with a caricature of Thorin sitting in it looking rather ill.)
+ Applying exclusively to Fili and Kili:
- Both of you shall refer to me ONLY as "Uncle Thorin" and not any other strange variation
- Similarly you will cease to address Bofur as "Eyebrows".
- If either of you try to tie all of our ponies to the axe in Bifur's head again I will put you two on permanent pony duty for the rest of this journey.
- When braiding each other's hair and beards you will not include vast quantities of any ornaments of botanical origin. They are distracting and unseemly for dwarf princes.
- When you are helping to braid MY hair please also refrain from adding unnecessary adornments if I happen to fall asleep.
- Balin is not your grandpa and shall not be called such. He is, in fact, younger than me. How do you little mudsticks think that makes me feel.
- You will stop telling Ori frightening stories right before he goes to sleep. Dori is running out of lullabies to comfort him with.
- Fili, you will stop trying to convince Kili that he'd look very fetching if dressed up as a maiden. I do not require that mental image.
- For the last time, our ponies do not eat meat.
- I will not constantly act as your personal measuring tool whenever you come to a disagreement regarding who is taller.
- If Mr. Baggins wakes up to find the all the hair on his feet in cornrows again, I will personally ensure that you two spend an entire day with your stupid heads braided together back-to-back.
- You will stop answering me with "Yes, your majesty." (Next to this another caricature of Thorin is drawn, wearing a flamboyant crown with his hair streaming in the wind.)
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The list ends here for now. Flipping the parchment over reveals several messy, repeating lines of text, all of which read:
I WILL NOT VANDALIZE UNCLE THORIN'S LIST AGAIN
And signed with a hastily scrawled "K".
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