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‘She’, Asra said. ‘She would like…’, ‘she will have…’, ‘she’s been doing…’, ever since Malory woke up. They didn’t mind. They just didn’t understand.
Of course they understood why he spoke for them. For the first week or so they were hard-pressed to speak at all, even though they picked up meaning behind words fast enough. Now Mal felt more comfortable speaking to Faust and Asra when they needed anything at home, but it still wasn’t enough. Other people wanted to talk to them, and they couldn’t get there yet. Asra felt familiar, he felt like home. Other people still felt too strange.
“’She’,” Mal said quietly after the visitor finished talking to Asra and walked away from the table the two were seated at.
Asra turned to look at them, surprised they spoke up in public. Small progress was being made on that front, even after months. He hoped this meant that taking them out really was helping them get better.
“Why ‘she’?” Mal asked, pointing at themself.
Malory noticed lots of people went by ‘she’. Lots of people went by ‘he’. Many others went by ‘they’… some even left it at that instead of gently correcting Asra to go by something else. They knew it was something to be said instead of a unique title like ‘apprentice’ or ‘fortune teller’… or a more unique title like ‘Malory’ or ‘Asra’. But Why?
Confusion and a bit of nervousness came off of Asra as he asked, “Why do… you go by ‘she’? Why I call you that? Would you rather I not?”
Mal shrugged. Asra fidgeted for a moment, trying to find an answer.
“I guess… it’s what I assumed you’d want to go by. Is it bad?”
Malory shook their head.
“But it’s not good?”
They shrugged.
“Hmm…” Asra hummed, thoughtful.
The magician watched Faust hang across Mal’s shoulders while the two watched the crowd, external expressions equally neutral. Mal had started to smile and move about more normally at home without prompting, but in public… being drawn in was the default.
Asra spoke up again. “Most people use ‘he’ for me. Some others use ‘they’. One memorable occasion I got ‘she’. I don’t really care what I’m referred to… Gender has always seemed a bit silly to me. Do you have a preference?”
Malory looked back at Asra, and tipped their head to consider his question. They pet Faust’s scales absently, while the familiar turned this way and that. “Gender?” they asked, flatly.
Their friend laughed, uncertain. “Honestly? I have no idea how to explain it. It’s a mess. Some people are women, some people are men, some people are just people… Some wake up different every day. I don’t think it means anything to be one or another, everyone is different in too many other ways for the groups to mean much anything. But different parts of the world don’t agree. It could mean that you’re seen as more or less of anything based on the gender you pick… Or they think you can’t say you’re that gender because of their opinion of you. It’s all ridiculous.”
Malory nodded slowly in understanding. If Asra told them he was taking them out to see ‘a baker’, they would have a reference pool to draw from. Common traits. Strong arms, smells good, probably going to feed us. But if he said the trip was just to see ‘him’? That wouldn’t give anything. That applied to too many different people. It was silly. But… it must have meant something to other people for the system to be put in place.
“Why… any?”
Running a hand through his white curls he let out a deep sigh. “’He’ is what I’m most used to. It’s what everyone around me picks up on from others and uses. I’m not going for ‘she’, but I’m not going to be hurt by it. But I do prefer neutral ones in a lot of occasions… I’d rather be ‘partner’ or ‘spouse’ than… than ‘husband.’”
Mal watched the master magician blush and refuse to meet their eye. He fidgeted with his scarf over his shoulder and gave of waves of being unsettled… not about his status, or about being heard, but about Mal’s status. He’d started to feel bad since the topic was about Malory’s title was brought up, and it hadn’t shifted in a different way since.
Mal shook their head side to side at his misunderstanding, and with a small movement gestured to the world outside of their table. “Others,” they specified. Why did others have to claim a gender?
“Oh,” he said, turning a bit pinker. “I guess… it’s just about what feels right. What feel’s good. Doing what makes you happy.”
They nodded again, reached over to pat his hand in thanks, and went back to watching people.
Asra relaxed, realizing that Mal wasn’t upset… but still felt terribly confused and a bit sad about the exchange. Before… Before, Malory and he both bonded, laughing about how gender was fake, but still using their two separate titles outside of ‘they’. That Mal now might feel differently…
He looked at their short hair he’d had to fix after the unsupervised hack job he’d come upstairs to days before and feared, not for the first time, that what Malory went through changed them forever. He didn’t mind of course, he still loved them fiercely and his heart grew every time a piece of the old friend he had shone thru in a bright, private smile at home… but he hoped. He hoped for Mal’s sake that they could heal. That they could be happy and whole no matter what.
And he knew, later while he was making dinner and they made a joke for the first time since they came back… causing him to stop for a moment in shock and then lose himself in laughter and relief… that they
would
.