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The night is silent. Almost. It carries the sound of fast footsteps and gasps. There's not much light in the night, the lamp post nearby is broken.
The woman cries as she falls. She's failing to catch her breath. She dropped her basket of apples.
"Please" her voice is shaky. She's mouthing desperate pleas.
It doesn't stir much within me. It did, the first time I'd killed. That was a long while ago. So I raise my sword and ignore the look in her eyes.
"Please I have a family-!"
I strike.
✦✦✦
How scary would it be if something were to happen to the two of you.
It was quite a few years since I've last killed someone, so mercilessly and coldly. They would cry out, often, for a friend or a lover or any kind of help.
They would beg for their lives, yet I'd kill them anyways.
It used to send chills down my spine. I got used to it, however.
I might never start bothering me again, as it used to.
Sometimes, in conversation, I wonder how it would feel to kill one of you.
It's an ugly thought. It's revolting.
𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘴𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘰 𝘴𝘰, I cry desperately in my mind.
✦✦✦
It's hard to breathe. I can't remember what's wrong. My head hurts. There's a crash. Did I knock something over?
There's hands on my arms, holding me still. It feels restraining. Get off.
Someone is screaming and it's so loud and my throat hurts. There's another voice. Someone is talking to me. I can't register.
On the floor there's a piece of...glass, maybe? It should get rid of the hands. I pick it up and pierce the flesh. The glass cut my palm.
Reim shouts.
Oh.
Oh, right, that's Reim. My friend. I'm in bed and the sheets are all tangled. I had a nightmare, probably. I can't remember what it was.
Well, this is embarrassing.
I'm still holding onto the glass shard. I hurt Reim.
"Are you okay? Have you woken up yet? You seemed really worked up and I tried to calm you down. You-" he winced, holding on to his forearm.
"Your arm-"
"It's fine. It's not deep. It'll heal in a day or two."
Or so you say. It could've been deeper. I could've cut deeper. I could have seriously injuried you over nothing.
"Hold on. You knocked over a glass of water. I'll go get something to clean it up."
This feels so stupid.
✦✦✦
You wanted to have tea with me today. And how could I refuse you? So I found myself sitting outside on a sunny day. It's nice.
You muse about recent events between sips of tea. I tease you a bit since it is fun to see your face get red.
"By the way, I saw Reim had a bandage on his arm. Do you know what happened?"
"Small quarrel between us. He should be alright." I suppose it's a sufficient answer.
"Is that so? You're not really a person who resorts to violence in disagreements."
"I resorted to violence quite a lot back when I first came here. Perhaps I wanted to reminiscence." I smirk and you know I'm lying. There should be a piece of candy in ny pocket.
"If you're going to be cagey about it I shall simply ask Reim."
"No need. He'll give a boring answer~"
"What kind of boring answer could be given?" you sigh and continue talking. We leave behind the topic of the injury. I chew on the candy I found.
"Even so, I should- Ah!" you cut yourself off as spilled tea stains your hand, It's hot, it could cause burns.
I hand you a wet napkin and you wrap it over your hand, carressing it.
Not much tea was spilled yet your skin is already red. Your body is fragile like that. If I wrapped my hand around your wrist and squeezed, it could bruise. If I were to cut you with a glass shard, it would leave a deeper injury then on Reim.
Why am I thinking of such things? I don't wish to do so.
These thoughts are not an uncommon occurence. It appears in the back of my mind in mundane conversations, and such other interactions.
I've harmed a large number of people. It could be that my heart never made any significant change. I still look for the thrill of murder during normal activities.
It's haunting, the sense of taking a life.
After being taken in by the Rainsworths, I got better. I stopped lashing out. I stopped injuring myself. I didn't attack anyone unreasonably.
And yet, despite all that progress, I continue to cause harm, to think about causing harm. It's an ugly part of me. It will never leave.
"What's wrong? You've been staring for a while."
"It's nothing, Ojou-sama."
I don't wish to hurt you.