Work Text:
EASTER BREAK, THIRD YEAR
"GUYS I HAVE THE BEST IDEA EVER!" Roamin came barrelling into the common room where Coe, Rob, and Deadbones were gorging themselves on Easter chocolate.
"Damn it Roamin, you can't just come barging in here. You're not even wearing the fake Slytherin robes we got for you. What if someone had seen you?" Rob wasn't really all that bothered, but felt like he should pretend like he was.
"Whatever Rob, you already told me you three are the only ones staying over Easter. There's no one here to see me."
Rob and Roamin bickered for a while until Deadbones tried to break them up. Then he ended up getting drawn in as well. It was several hours before Roamin remembered his purpose.
"Oh yeah! My great idea! We should totally become those animagi things we're learning about in transfiguration."
"Aren't there laws about that? Don't we have to like, register with the ministry of magic or some shit?" Coe asked.
"Who cares‽" Deadbones replied "It would be fucking awesome! Roamin you're a genius!"
SUMMER TERM, THIRD YEAR
"Hey Nisovin." Nisovin eyed the Slytherin that sidled up next to him with caution. The kid had a reputation for trouble.
"You're Rob right? Can I help you?"
"Yeah, so I heard you like transfiguration, and you don't give a fuck about Rules."
"I just don't understand why they impose arbitrary limits on the gaining of knowledge! It's not like I'm gonna kill anyone! Well not on purpose at least... Everything I do is safe I swear."
"Yeah whatever. I've got a business proposition for you. You help us out by being on the good side of the Professors, you get the chance to study animagi up close without needing to wait for all the schools red tape."
"Hmm. That does sound interesting. I'm in."
"Great! So, we need this book from the restricted section..."
THE NEXT DAY
Deadbones, Coe, Roamin, and Justin were lounging on the banks of the great lake listening to Justin list all the potential magical uses of weed.
"Whatever Justin, you just want to be able to get high at school." Coe rolled his eyes.
"What and you don't."
"Sure, but at least I don't pretend like..."
"Hi Rob!" Deadbones called over the bickering, seeing him approach.
Roamin whipped around, "Rob! Thank God. Save us from their mindless bickering." ("Hey!" - Justin)
Rob raised his eyebrow at Roamin, flopping down next to him, "What, like you don't bicker?"
"No! I get into disagreements. And they're never mindless, they're important." This was met with scoffs all round, but Rob interrupted before anyone could protest.
"Whatever. You guys might be interested in this," he said, pulling Morgan le Fay's guide to becoming an Animagus out of his bag. "Got it from Nisovin, that Ravenclaw fifth year, this morning."
The guys all crowded around, exclaiming their excitement.
"So we're actually doing this then?" Roamin asked. ("It was your fucking idea!" - Deadbones)
"Of course. Unless any of you want to pussy out." Rob challenged, looking round at them all. They all looked determined, and offended that Rob would even suggest that. Except Justin, who just looked confused.
"Uh, fill me in. What are we actually doing?"
"Becoming secret animagi," Deadbones supplied, "you in?"
"Hell yeah, that sounds sick."
ONE WEEK OF (mostly Rob) READING THE ANIMAGUS BOOK LATER
"The textbooks all say you can't choose what you change into but I knew that was bullshit. It's just like, 10 more steps." Rob read. The others all looked up from the game of wizard chess Deadbones and Roamin were playing. There was a beat of silence before they all started shouting about what animal they would be.
"I'm gonna be a bird! Like an Eagle!" - Roamin
"I wanna be a lion!" - Rob
"What about something huge, like an elephant." - Deadbones
"Or maybe like an alligator! I can eat everyone!" - Roamin
"I think I'll be a shark." - Coe
"No! A panther!" - Rob
"Maybe I'll be a monkey." - Coe
"Oh! What about a baboon! Big scary monkey!" - Roamin
"Like that one from Night At The Museum. A capuchin."
"GUYS! My time has come! I'm gonna be a skeleton." Deadbones’ exclamation made them all pause.
"You can't be a skeleton Deadbones." Rob tried.
"I'M GONNA BE A SKELETON ROB!"
"That's not even possible..."
"I DON'T GIVE A FUCK! I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY!
I'LL MAKE IT POSSIBLE!"
They all stared at Deadbones giggling to himself. Rob shook his head.
"I would kill a man to be able to turn into a pug" Justin supplied.
"A White Tiger!" Roamin yelled.
SUMMER TERM, THIRD YEAR
It's another week before Coe gets to read the animagus book himself. The first chapter he flicks to is the one on choosing your animal.
"Rob, you never said one of the extra choose-your-animal steps needs hair of the animal! Where the fuck are you gonna get panther hair‽"
"Huh, I never thought of that."
"Just get it off ebay," Justin shrugged, "You can get fucking aaanything on ebay."
WINTER TERM, FOURTH YEAR
"You reckon Deadbones is even gonna come to the Yule Ball? He never does anything these days that won't result in him routinely being able to shed his flesh." Rob, Coe, Justin, and Roamin were at one end of a library table doing anything but studying, while Deadbones was bent over transfiguration books with Nisovin at the other end.
"I can't believe he hasn't given up already." Rob said in answer. "Just give up Deadbones. You know it's not gonna work." Deadbones looked up his book on being addressed directly.
"Fuck you Rob. I'm gonna be a skeleton. I'm gonna do it. Just you wait."
"Yeah ok. Are you coming to the ball though?"
"Fuck yes, there's gonna be alcohol there. Of course I'm going."
JUST BEFORE EASTER BREAK, FOURTH YEAR
"So I spoke to a kid at Uagadou-" Deadbones started only to be interrupted by Roamin.
"Waga where?"
"The African school. They're like, animagus specialists. Anyway Nisovin got me in touch with a student there so I could ask about the skeleton thing..."
"And..?" Coe promted.
"i can't be a skeleton"
Rob immediately broke out into a smug grin. Deadbones kind of wanted to punch him.
"I fucking told you, man!"
"Shut the fuck up Rob."
Rob shut his mouth, but the smug look remained.
"Fuck you Rob." ("Told you" - Rob)
"So what are you gonna do instead?" Coe asked. Deadbones perked up at the question.
"I'm gonna be a vampire bat! Yeeaah!"
Rob sighed, shaking his head and smiling fondly.
"Fucking, of course you are."
("What?" - Deadbones)
("Nothing. Nothing at all buddy." - Rob)
"So now we've all decided what animals we're gonna be can we buy the hair we're gonna need?" Roamin asked excitedly
"Yep. Easter homework guys. Get animal hair."
JUST AFTER EASTER BREAK, FOURTH YEAR
"So did you guys get your animal hair?" Rob asks, biting into a chocolate frog.
"No! I could not find white tiger hair fucking ANYWHERE!" Roamin through his hands in the air to emphasise his frustration.
"Aw that's too bad buddy. Luckily I got you covered." Rob threw a small vial at Roamin, who peered at it closely.
"This doesn't look like white tiger Rob..."
"No, of course it's not. You can't get white tiger hair." Rob's sympathetic expression was turning mischievous. Roamin thought he should be worried.
"Uhhh, what is this then..?"
"Baboon." Rob couldn't hide his shit-eating grin behind the fake innocence he was trying to pull off.
MID SUMMER TERM, FOURTH YEAR
"So instead of keeping the mandrake leaf in our mouths for a month, we just have to boil it up with the animal hair and some other shit and drink a cup every day for a month." Rob was reading from the book as they sat around a pile of mandrake leaves.
"Yeah, but where the fuck are we gonna keep five cauldrons of boiling mandrake for a month? Someone's gonna notice that." Coe asked, raising his eyebrow.
"What about that bedroom Deadbones and Rob found after the ball. It kept them hidden last time they needed it." Roamin shrugged
"There are so many reasons that's not a good idea I don't even know where to start."
"Well you got a better idea?"
"Do you even remember where it is Deadbones? Cause I sure as hell don't."
"Sure I do!"
---
"It was just around here I swear." Deadbones assured the guys. He was marching up and down the hallway looking for any sign of the bedroom, and on his third pass a door appeared. "See." He proclaimed, looking smug, "I told you it was here."
The room, when they entered, was completely different than the first time they'd found it. The drapes on the walls were gone, replaced by (unfortunately empty) potion ingredient racks. The giant bed in the centre of the room was also missing. In it's place were five podiums with potion racks, just the right height for each of the guys.
"Are you sure this is the right room Deadbones?"
"Uuhhhhh..."
"Who cares, it's fucking perfect. It was clearly meant to be."
CHRISTMAS BREAK, FIFTH YEAR
"Ok. So I have this idea. We make a map of the school, the whole school, and it shows where every person in it is in real time."
Everyone stared at Roamin for a moment, letting the idea mull over in their minds. “But how would it show the people?” Rob inquired.
“Ooh!” Deadbones piped up, “Make it show footsteps! And like have the name be next to them.”
“That might work, but it’s going to take some research to do... I suppose we could ask Nisovin for help again.”
“I could help too, you know.” Coe added. “I’m not half bad with animations.”
“And I can make a charm that insults people who aren’t us!” Deadbones supplied with glee.
“That sounds like a lot of work,” Justin lamented, “and I still have to study for OWLs and stuff, but you guys have fun with that!”
“Whatever, dude,” Roamin replied, “I didn’t want to make a codename for you anyways. What would even be a good codename for a pug?”
“Wait, codenames?” asked Coe.
“Yeah, codenames!” Rob exclaimed, “That way we can sign it without getting in trouble!”
“We can call you Bagpuss!” Deadbones interjected.
“What? No, that’s a shitty name. What about... Clawfoot?”
“Roamin can be Rafiki, and Coe can be Dexter...”
“Oh, and I guess you can be Dracula?”
“YES!”
“No, that’s shitty, we’re not making our codenames fucking pop culture references, we would get caught immediately! Everyone knows we’re the only kids here who talk about random shit nobody knows about.”
“Fine, we’ll come up with better codenames...”
SPRING TERM, FIFTH YEAR
“It’s time. The moment we’ve all been waiting for….”
“You sound like a fucking game show host, Bagpuss” Deadbones interrupted.
“Whatever asshole. We can turn into animals now. Who’s gonna go first?”
“Well, you’re the one that’s making a big deal out of it. You should go first.”
With a sigh Rob started the process that should turn him into a panther. He was gonna be so badass. When it was over he was... a lot lower to the ground than he would expect a panther to be. And everyone was laughing at him. What the fuck? He shifted back.
"Dude! You're a fucking housecat! This is incredible!" Deadbones yelled as soon as Rob was able to reply.
"WHAT THE FUCK! I’M SUPPOSED TO BE A PANTHER! A FUCKING HOUSE CAT‽"
"You got scammed man." Coe supplied, shrugging.
"FUCK ME! Why couldn't it be Roamin's hair that got fucked up‽"
“It did! I was gonna be a fucking tiger you asshole!”
“Hey, look on the bright side Rob, now you really are Bagpuss :D”
“That’s not a bright side Deadbones!” Rob shouted. “Fuck, whatever, why don’t you guys just transform. Maybe we’re all cats.”