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“P’Joe.”
Joe is one foot out of the door already, but this weak, broken voice is enough to make him stop.
Oh, the power Ming has over him – the power Ming will forever have over him, unless Joe does this, unless he takes the step through the door and ends it all, unless he escapes from the pain and the suffering and…
… from Ming?
Joe blinks, turning his head back towards the hospital room, to where the body that’s his but isn’t his lies on the bed with Ming sobbing by its side.
Ming .
Just the thought of the man makes Joe’s heart squeeze painfully, even… even though he doesn’t really have a body now, doesn’t have a heart. So why is it hurting?!
“P’Joe, don’t you love me anymore?” Ming asks, voice filled with unspeakable pain.
Of course I love you, Ming, but I’m just so tired of this, can’t you see? I can’t do this anymore. It feels like every single time we manage to find a moment of happiness, there’s some terrible tragedy waiting to strike just around the corner. Haven’t we suffered enough? I know I have. Ming, oh, my Ming…
He wants to go back to the room, to take one last look at Ming, just one, but he knows that if he does, he will never be able to leave again.
It’s happened before, of course.
It happened on that road, when Joe almost managed to walk away when Ming let go of him, but then he couldn’t even find the strength to struggle the second time Ming hugged him, the second time Ming begged.
Don’t you want me to wait for you at home, Ming asked back then, breaking down each and every one of Joe’s defenses because Joe did want, because Joe still wants.
It happened again after that disastrous talk with Ming’s mother. Joe did walk away then, determined to never see Ming again, only to watch this resolution crumble the moment he saw Ming lying in that bed, weak as a newborn kitten and so terribly pale.
No, that’s a lie. It crumbled the moment he got the the text from Ming’s number, saying he’s waiting for Joe at home. It doesn’t matter that it turned out that the text had been sent by Mike, because it still made Joe rush over without the slightest bit of hesitation.
It happened, of course, when he woke up in this new body, hoping for a fresh start, only for destiny to immediately throw him right back into Ming’s arms.
Because as long as he’s Joe, he won’t be able to escape from Ming, from the pain and suffering Ming inevitably, unintentionally brings.
He wants to escape. He wants to.
He loves Ming, yes. They are happy together. Were happy together. But where did it get Joe?
His new body is on the verge of death, and it’s once again because of Tong . Because Joe chose to be a stand-in. Because Joe is an idiot, who…
Am I really running from Ming, or am I just running from myself? From my own decisions, my own mistakes, my own weaknesses?
He takes a deep breath. How the hell is he breathing? How the hell is he feeling the tears running down his face? Why is his heart aching so terribly, his hands shaking, his knees going weak…
He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want to die. He wants to live, wants to see Ming’s smile, wants to fall asleep in Ming’s arms and wake up to the smell of breakfast being prepared, he wants to make love with Ming, wants to grow old with Ming by his side.
But is it really worth the suffering? Are those fleeting moments of peace and happiness enough to compensate for the pain when everything goes terribly wrong?
Somehow, he finds himself back in front of the room, staring at Ming’s lips clearly repeating Joe’s name again and again and again as Ming keeps crying…
Was it worth it for him? Was the joy of having Joe back for a moment worth the pain of losing him for the second time?
“I’m sorry, Ming,” Joe whispers. “Maybe… maybe in the next life, we can be together again.”
“Now,” the old master says, his voice resounding in Joe’s head, “why would you want to meet someone who caused you so much suffering, let alone be with him?”
Joe turns to look at the man – but is it really just a man?
“You’re saying…” Joe murmurs. “That if I go through that door, I won’t see Ming again?”
“I’ve told you,” the master replies without moving his lips. “You can choose whether you want to keep torturing yourself, or break the cycle.”
Joe’s attention is once again drawn to the hospital bed, as if it’s being pulled by a magnet. Ming’s thumb is rubbing the back of Joe’s hand, his lips moving fervently, still forming Joe’s name every few seconds, and all Joe wants is to hug him, to comfort him, to say…
To say I’m here, don’t worry, everything will be all right.
“In other words,” Joe says. “I can choose whether I want to spend a life by his side and maybe suffer for a bit from time to time, or spend the rest of eternity without him.”
Without the man I love, despite all the bullshit that happened in the past. Without the man who makes me smile, who makes me feel happy and safe, who chose to go against his family and stay with me, who wanted to trade his life for mine, who loves me, not as a stand-in, but… as me.
Who told me that he didn’t care about my new face, only about the fact that it’s me, who told me that his life isn’t worth living without me.
The man who is the most terrible, selfish, bossy… annoying… amazing person I’ve ever…
Joe, you idiot. What are you doing?!
The master’s lips curl up in a tiny smile.
“Not an easy choice, is it?”
“Oh, no,” Joe chuckles, placing his right hand on the glass door of the hospital room. “It really couldn’t be easier.”
The agony his body is going through is excruciating, despite the painkillers the doctors must be pumping into him. Joe opens his eyes, gasping for breath as he feels searing white pain pulsing through his back…
“P’Joe!” Ming whimpers. His hands immediately go to Joe’s face, touching him gently, as if he can’t believe that Joe is awake. “P’Joe, you really came back, you came… you came back to me…”
I did, Joe wants to say, but can’t, not with that mask on, not when everything hurts so much he wants to scream. This time, I really came back to you. Just you.
“P’Joe,” Ming repeats, like a mantra, stroking Joe’s hair. “P’Joe, I love you, I love you so much.”
I love you too, Ming. You have no idea.
The pain is the most terrible thing Joe has felt in both his lives , and it crosses his mind for a moment that he might have actually made the wrong choice, that he can’t do this, that he’s way too tired…
But then Ming smiles at him brightly, his teary eyes sparkling with happiness, and he leans in to gently kiss Joe’s forehead.
“Thank you, P’Joe,” he whispers, too soft for anyone but them to hear. “Thank you for staying with me, love.”
And Joe knows that no matter what their future brings, he will never truly regret his choice. No matter the pain, no matter the suffering he has to go through…
As long as he’s with Ming, it’ll always be worth it.
Because there is only one place in this world where he can find true peace.
And that place is in Ming’s arms.