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Anakin Skywalker grew up on a moisture farm on Tatooine, and those who know him from that time will insist that he just always was the way he was. As in, he had the habit of being a chaotic idiot simply by nature. There was nothing to be done about it.

Padmé Amidala was one of the people who knew him from that time, and she will tell you that she fell in love with that chaotic idiot just the same.

She remembered watching the suns go down on their last night together, before she went to get a job on a cargo freighter in hopes of giving them both a chance to see the stars, and leaning against Anakin and thinking that she'd fallen in love with the most perfect man in the galaxy, no matter all the trouble he got up to, no matter how insufferable he was.

Then Padmé left for the stars on a ship that was attacked by pirates, and Anakin only heard of her death at the hands of the pirates from the smugglers in Mos Eisley.

And he was left alone.

Sheev Palpatine, Anakin decided, was old and creepy and not at all what he wanted in a spouse. Not that he wanted a spouse at all- his heart would always belong to Padmé, and Padmé was gone, but just the same, if Anakin had to marry, he did not want to marry a crusty old Core politician that looked at Anakin like he was a particularly attractive and exotic pet.

So, in other words, when the opportunity to get kidnapped came up, Anakin jumped on it. Literally, he jumped on the Zabrak who had clearly just killed Anakin's guards ('They're there for your protection, dear', yeah, sure, Sheevy) and exclaimed, "Friend! You! Mine! Now!"

The Zabrak, who Anakin would later learn was called Savage, looked very confused, but also somewhat relieved. "Okay!" Then he drugged Anakin. Anakin thought that that was not a very nice thing to do to your new friend, but then, he also wanted to get out of there, so he wasn't going to complain too much.

(If he'd known that it was his unwelcome fiancé who had ordered the kidnapping, he might have considered using the blaster he'd stolen from one of the guards instead, to annoy the man, but he didn't know, so he just went along with it.)

Anakin woke up tied up on a ship and immediately decided that that was boring and he needed to spice up this kidnapping a bit. After all, why should he just sit around tied up when he could plan a daring escape? So he quickly picked the lock on his binders and disappeared. He heard shouts behind him and started running, cackling all the way. This was the most fun he'd had in years! He reached the escape pod just in time for Savage to appear in front of him. Anakin tried to jump over Savage, but was stopped by a green tendril. Turning, he found a tall lady in a ridiculous red outfit and another woman with twin lightsabers in her hands beside her.

"Now, now," the magic lady said. "None of that."

"Hi!" said Anakin, because he hadn't met these people yet.

The magic lady rolled her eyes. She turned to Savage and the lightsaber woman. "Make sure he doesn't attempt to escape again. We'll be landing shortly."

The magic lady was boring. Anakin stuck his tongue out at her being her back.

They did land shortly. And immediately got on a boat. A boat! Anakin had never been on a boat in his life! He'd gone straight from a desert planet to Coruscant, which was just a big city in planet shape. He hadn't even seen an ocean before. Was this an ocean? Anakin thought there were other types of bodies of water, but he didn't know what they were, and why did people need multiple names for bodies of water, anyway? You only had one name for a desert. It was a desert. Even fancy Core people just called it a desert.

On the other hand, Anakin didn't actually care. He jumped in the water and started swimming away, because he wanted to. Except he couldn't swim, so that plan didn't go very well. The lightsaber woman picked him up with some invisible arm and dropped him back on the boat.

"Rude," Anakin grumbled.

"You were about to drown, anyway," she told him.

"Huh?" Anakin asked.

"You were drowning," she repeated.

"What does that mean?" Anakin asked.

The woman raised an eyebrow. "It means you would sink and breathe in water and die."

"Oh," Anakin said. "That doesn't sound good." He glared at the evil water that had tried to kill him. The lightsaber woman rolled her eyes. And frowned. She turned to the magic lady.

"Are you sure no one's following us?"

"No one could be," the magic lady informed her. "We are untraceable, and no one could catch up with us now anyway."

"Are you sure?"

"Completely." She paused. "Why do you ask?"

"Because there's someone coming up behind us."

There was indeed, when Anakin glanced back. He waved cheerily at them, but the magic lady pulled him away from the edge. Whether it was because she didn't want Anakin jumping into the water again or she didn't want the person behind them seeing Anakin, Anakin wasn't sure.

"It doesn't matter," the magic lady insisted. "We're approaching the Cliffs of Insanity. Whoever they are, there's no way they can catch us now.

At the word 'cliffs', Anakin's face lit up. He glanced ahead, and indeed, they were approaching the tallest cliff he'd ever seen. And despite, again, Anakin's little life experience, it was pretty tall.

He almost jumped out of the boat again, because he wanted to get a closer look at the cliffs, but remembered that the water was evil and would try to kill him again, and despite what everyone seemed to think Anakin did not actually have a death wish. He just… didn’t die as easily as everyone seemed to assume he would. It was weird, but he didn’t question it. Besides, he wanted to get to the top of the cliffs more than anything, and he didn’t know how to do that. He hoped the people kidnapping him had a plan to get up there, because he really really wanted to get to the top of the cliff. Because- cliff!

Luckily, once they landed at the foot of the cliff, there was a rope and everyone was perching on the giant Zabrak and Anakin realized that they were definitely going to climb the cliff. He started getting very excited.

“We’re going to climb the cliff?!” he half asked and half squealed in delight. “I’ve always wanted to climb a really big cliff. We had cliffs on Tatooine in the canyons but they were nowhere near this big! And, like, I tried to climb the buildings on Coruscant but Stupid Sheev said I shouldn’t do that and it wasn’t the same anyway. I love cliffs. Hey, when we get to the top, can we go back down and do it again? It’s no fun to just do it once.”

At this point in the rant, the Figure in Black had reached the rope and begun to climb. Talzin attempted to urge Savage faster, but Anakin chatted right over her. “And, I mean what’s the point of cliffs if you don’t-”

“Silence!” Talzin hissed. Anakin frowned, considered calling her rude, decided that would be rude, and then remembered he didn’t care.

“Rude,” he grumbled.

“Maybe we should drop Skywalker,” the lightsaber lady, who Anakin was pretty sure was called Asajj, suggested.

“Maybe we should,” said Anakin.

“I was talking about you,” Asajj said, just in case.

“I know,” said Anakin, getting very excited about this idea. Unfortunately, by this time, they had reached the top of the cliff, and Talzin- since when had her name been Talzin? Oh well, he was pretty sure it was- ignored them both in favor of using a magic tendril to sever the rope.

Asajj and Savage glanced over the side of the cliff. Anakin peered over Asajj’s shoulder to see what they were looking at. Asajj made an impressed noise.

The Figure in Black- and it was very nice black, Anakin noted- had grabbed onto the cliff and was struggling to make their way up without the rope. It looked much more fun, in Anakin’s opinion.

“It’s so hard to kill people for real these days,” Savage commented. “I had a crazy brother who got sliced in half by a crazy Jedi one time, and he showed up a decade later to try to kill the guy.”

“I nearly got killed by a dude with a curved lightsaber,” Asajj commented commiseratingly. “But I didn’t die.”

“I had a girlfriend once who got killed by pirates,” Anakin said. “But she was actually dead, as far as I know.” He got sad. “I miss her.”

Talzin sighed impatiently. “Yes, well, whoever they are, they’ve obviously seen us with the prince-”

“I’m not a prince yet,” Anakin corrected. “I become a prince when I marry the Emperor, but I’m not a prince yet.” He didn’t ever want to be a prince, anyway.

“They’ve obviously seen us with him, ” Talzin snapped, offended at being interrupted, “and must therefore die. Asajj-”

Just then, Anakin decided that he couldn’t restrain himself any longer and dived straight off the cliff.

See, if there was one thing Anakin Skywalker loved- well, it was Padmé Amidala, actually. But jumping off cliffs was a close second. Well, no, that was his mom. But, whatever, he really loved jumping off cliffs.

Therefore, as Anakin Skywalker was standing at the top of a cliff, it was only a matter of time before he jumped off.

Anakin crashed into the water below.

The Figure in Black, too quietly for anybody to hear, sighed to themself and muttered, “I should have seen that coming.”

Savage and Asajj stared after him. Talzin, after a moment, collected herself and said, “Asajj, we’ll go get him. You stay here and deal with our little problem. ”

“I thought Skywalker was our problem,” Asajj grumbled, but flopped down on the ground. Talzin magicked herself and Savage away, to go look for Anakin, just as the Figure in Black heaved themself up over the side.

“You wouldn’t happen to have another rope that I could take back down, would you?” they asked exasperatedly.

“You could jump after him,” Asajj offered unhelpfully.

The figure sighed. “So I suppose they left you up here to kill me.”

“Yes,” Asajj said.

“Unfortunate,” the figure said. “I was really hoping to not have any attempts on my life this time. Perhaps I should just jump after him.”

“How about this,” said Asajj, who did not really want to have to jump after the figure, as she had been tasked with killing them. “I’ll give you a chance to catch your breath, and then we can try to kill each other.”

“That works,” said the figure.

They were silent for a moment. Asajj spoke first. “You wouldn’t happen to have a lightsaber with a curved hilt, would you?”

“I don’t do lightsabers,” the figure said. “Too needlessly showy. I prefer weapons that don’t act as glowing beacons. Why do you ask?”

“A being with a lightsaber with a curved hilt kidnapped me as a child, trained me as an assassin, and then tried to kill me,” Asajj said. “I have a grudge against him and want to kill him.”

“Understandable,” said the figure. “I have a grudge against a guy and want to kill him too.”

“Really?” Asajj asked, intrigued. “What did he do to you?”

“He was a creep and stole my boyfriend.”

“Ah,” said Asajj. “Well, good luck with that.”

“And to you as well,” said the figure. “Now, I believe I am ready.”

“Excellent,” said Asajj. She stood up and pulled out one of her lightsabers. The figure stood to face her and pulled out a beskar sword. Asajj grinned. It wasn’t a lightsaber, but her opponent was still a swordsman. It had been some time since she’d had a challenge.

Still, it would be more of a challenge to fight with one, and Asajj was not going to waste a rare challenge. She activated her red blade and faced her opponent. “You seem a decent being. I hate to kill you.”

The figure inclined their head. “You seem a decent being. I hate to die.”

Asajj shrugged. That was fair. “Let’s begin, then.”

They started pacing around each other. Asajj always found that an excellent way to start a fight. Finally, she lashed out with her saber. The circling was getting boring. Effortlessly, the figure blocked it. Asajj grinned. That was a good sign. The two began to fight faster, blows never quite connecting.

And then the unthinkable happened.

Asajj began to lose.

Slowly, she was pushed back, forced to retreat to the very edge of the cliffs. It crossed her mind that maybe she would be jumping after Skywalker anyway when she remembered that she had an advantage her opponent didn’t.

“You are very good,” she told the figure.

“Thank you,” the figure responded. “I have worked hard to become so.”

“You appear to have beaten me,” she said, letting the figure fall into her trap.

“Then why are you smiling?” the figure asked. Whoops.

“Because I know something you don’t know,” she said.

“And what would that be?”

“I have another weapon.” And with that, Asajj pulled out her other lightsaber and attacked. This time, she had a clear advantage, pushing her opponent back easily until they came around again to the cliff, this time with the figure against the cliff. Hopefully, they wouldn’t jump off. At least without giving Asajj enough time to pull them back up.

“You are amazing,” the figure told her.

Asajj grinned. “Thank you.”

“There’s something you should probably know,” the figure said.

Asajj frowned. Were they about to try to barter with information? Well, if they did, she could always learn what they knew and then kill them. “What?”

She couldn’t see the figure’s mouth, but the Force told her they were smiling. “I have another weapon too.”

And then the figure pulled out another beskar blade that Asajj had somehow missed. And suddenly, Asajj was once more being pushed back, fighting against another being skilled in duel wielding, and this time, there was no more surprises, no more escapes. There was no way around it.

Asajj was losing.

It was impossible, and yet, when she tried to attack, there was the figure, blocking it. Or sometimes, sweeping at her with a blow she had to throw herself away to dodge, allowing the figure to easily twist away from her blade. And then, a blade connected a little too hard, and one of Asajj’s lightsabers went flying away. She didn’t have the chance to pull it back because the figure pressed their advantage, soon knocking the other blade away, too. Asajj lashed out with the Force, but the figure simply rolled with it, coming up in time to toss one of their blades in the air, catch Asajj’s ‘saber from where it was flying back to her, and snatch her blade back.

It was that move that had Asajj deciding that she couldn’t win this fight. “Make it quick,” she requested, head held high, unwilling to ask for more. If she was going to die, she would do it with some dignity.

The figure watched her. “I think I like you too much to kill you.” Hmm. Asajj hadn’t heard that one before. “However, since I can’t have you following me…”

The handle of her own saber connected with Asajj’s head, and she crumpled to the ground, unconscious.

“So Asajj has failed us,” Talzin said, still annoyed about the detour they’d had to take because of Anakin jumping off the cliff. “Savage, stay here and deal with him. I’ll continue with the prince. Don’t take too long to catch up.”

“Still not a prince,” Anakin muttered. Talzin ignored him.

A short while later, the Figure in Black hurried around the corner. Savage stepped out of the shadows. “I’m supposed to kill you.”

The figure considered him. “You don’t sound like you particularly want to do that.”

Savage shrugged. “I don’t care. You seem fine to me. As long as Asajj is alright.”

“She’ll be fine,” the figure informed him.

Savage considered them. “I think you’re telling the truth. So, here’s what I’m thinking. I don’t particularly want to die. So how about we make it look convincing, and then you don’t kill me and I don’t kill you, and we leave it at that.”

The figure tilted their head. “Fair enough.”

In an instant, they pulled out their blaster and stunned him.

When the figure caught up with Talzin and her captive, a picnic had been laid out, and Talzin had a knife at Anakin’s throat. Anakin thought that wasn’t very nice. After the whole jumping off the cliff part, he was beginning to get bored of this whole kidnapping thing.

The figure stopped a few meters away.

“We’ll settle this now, then,” they said.

“Indeed,” Talzin said. “You’re trying very hard to acquire my prisoner. Time for one last test.”

“You’ve sent your brawn and your dueler after me,” the figure said. “That implies that you don’t wish to fight me yourself. So, perhaps I shall offer a different sort of battle instead. A battle of wits.”

Talzin considered them, interested. “A battle of wits? To the death?”

“Indeed.”

“I accept.”

“Very well. Pour the wine.”

Talzin moved to, for a moment taking her eyes off both Anakin and the figure. In that moment, the figure drew a blaster and shot her. She slumped over, dead.

Anakin surveyed the situation. “Clever. You definitely won that one.”

The figure moved toward him. “Come on.”

Anakin considered the situation. The tendrils of magic that had been holding him still were gone. He was bored of this kidnapping. He wanted to go steal a ship and go home. Probably, Anakin’s terrible fiancé wouldn’t think any kidnapper would take him there. But, anyway, he didn’t want to just go be a prisoner for this random person instead.

“Uh, thanks, but mom said not to go places with strangers,” he said, and turned and ran off.

He almost thought he heard a huge sigh behind him, but he might have been imagining that.

Count Dooku surveyed the scene in front of him, prodding at the area with the Force. The Force was very cheerful and told him nothing. Dooku decided to ignore this and instead focus on what they knew.

“A duel,” he said, scanning the rocks. Some were marred with deep cuts, recent if he had to guess. And some were cut straight in half, in a way that could only be done by… “At least one of the participants wielded a lightsaber.”

The battle droids behind him stood uselessly. Dooku hated battle droids. They were useless. He would never understand why Palpatine insisted on using them. “Your orders, sir?”

“We will follow the trail,” Dooku said. “Sooner or later, we will catch up to them. The Emperor will not be pleased if we fail to recover the prince alive. ” Actually, they hoped to find him dead, but Dooku wasn’t about to go around saying that, even only to battle droids. One never knew who might be listening.

Dooku swept back into his speeder and the group took off again.

Anakin was so busy running away from his potential second kidnapper he completely failed to notice the hill until he was… well, rolling down it. It wasn’t his fault. That hill was there being completely unsympathetic to the fact that Anakin was attempting a daring escape and didn’t have time to notice small details like sudden sharp declines in altitude. That was just an unrealistic expectation, so clearly, this was all the hill’s fault.

Anakin hit the bottom of the hill, finally, and stopped rolling. “Ow,” he said to the air.

“If you were looking where you were going,” the air replied, “that wouldn’t have happened.” The air sounded strangely like Padmé Amidala.

“But I was trying to run away,” said Anakin. “I didn’t have time to look where I was going.”

“And if you were running away,” said the air sounding like Padmé Amidala and in the shape of his potential second kidnapper, “I have now caught you. So that didn’t do you all that good.”

“That’s a good point,” Anakin told the air. “However, there is nothing stopping me now from running away again.”

The air that was shaped like his kidnapper and sounded like Padmé rolled its eyes, said, “You’re an idiot,” leaned down, and kissed him.

Anakin didn’t think air could kiss this good.

He pulled back and ripped the mask off the figure, and there was Padmé, hovering above him with a fond expression on her face. Anakin stared at her for a moment, because she was perfect, and tried to think of something romantic to say, because that seemed appropriate for a moment like this.

“Hi,” he said.

Padmé laughed at him, and that, Anakin decided, was alright.

The Force was still quite cheerful. As a proper Sith Lord, Dooku didn’t like that. Honestly, for most people, no matter their allegiance to any Force-wielding sect, the Force being cheerful was never a good sign. The Force was not supposed to be cheerful. It was supposed to be an omnipotent, all-powerful energy field.

Also, there was a dead Nightsister sitting before a picnic.

That was odd.

Anakin and Padmé’s happy reunion was interrupted by a bunch of Empire people showing up and chasing after them.

Anakin felt offended by that. Also, he was getting a little tired of running away from people. He wanted his escape to be more exciting. Maybe including something like- “Oh look, a fire swamp!” Anakin said excitedly, before running ahead into the fire swamp.

Padmé just sighed and followed him.

“You know there’s a reason the general galactic advice on fire swamps is to stay out of them, right?” Padmé asked as they walked deeper into the fire swamp.

“It is?” Anakin asked. “Why?”

Before Padmé could answer, a spurt of flame sprang up next to Anakin, setting his pant leg on fire. Anakin jumped in surprise, and Padmé moved quickly, smothering the flame before it could injure him.

“Cool,” Anakin said. Fire was fun.

Padmé sighed, scooped Anakin up bridal style, and started carrying him along a fallen tree. “Come on. Let’s get out of here.” She put Anakin down as they reached the end of the log, and he started walking ahead, before tripping on a branch.

And immediately getting sucked into a pit of sand.

Padmé cursed under her breath. “Lightning sand.” She quickly grabbed a vine, tied it around herself, and dived in after him. Soon after, they were climbing back out, gasping for breath.

Anakin flopped onto his back. “I don’t like sand,” he said. “It’s coarse, and rough, and irritating, and it gets everywhere.”

“I’m not a fan of drowning in it, either,” Padmé added dryly.

“That too,” Anakin agreed. “Oh look, that's a big rat.”

Padmé whirled, drawing a sword in one hand and a blaster in the other as the rat lunged at them. She stabbed it, and it fell to the ground. She turned back to Anakin staring at her with a sappy expression on his face.

“You're the most amazing person in the galaxy,” he told her like it was an established fact.

Padmé couldn't help the smile, or the small chuckle that passed her lips. “Come on,” she said, putting an arm around him while she shot another rat that tried to eat them. He put an arm around her shoulders, and they kept moving. “Let's get out of here.”

“You keep saying that,” Anakin giggled.

Padmé considered it. “I guess I do. It's like this pirate that kidnapped me, Hondo Ohnaka. He kept threatening to kill me but he never did. And he always said it the same way, too. And then I got my own pirate ship and became a pirate.”

“Cool,” Anakin said. “I want to be a pirate.”

“You should join my crew,” Padmé said. “Although it will break the pattern. My whole crew looks like me.”

“We could find a whole bunch of people who look like me,” Anakin pointed out. “And they could join our crew!”

“That's a good point,” Padmé agreed.

At that moment, they came out of the fire swamp and ran into Count Dooku and a bunch of battle droids. Anakin decided that they should have stayed in the fire swamp. It had cool things like fire- though he wasn’t a fan of the sand- and it most certainly did not have battle droids or Count Dookus in it. Anakin liked fire, and he did not like battle droids or Count Dookus. Clearly, the fire swamp was superior to its surroundings.

Padmé raised her blaster. Dooku smiled in amusement. Anakin decided that Dooku shouldn’t be so amused. Padmé was awesome, and even if they were captured here, it wouldn’t be before she shot his face off.

Then Anakin frowned. He didn’t want to be captured here. More importantly, he didn’t want Padmé to be captured here, because she’d come to rescue him and she shouldn’t get captured for that. Plus if they were both captured, there would be no one to save him from his terrible wedding to Stupid Sheev, and Anakin wanted to be married to Stupid Sheev even less now that he knew Padmé was alive and he actually could get married to Padmé instead of just dreaming about it.

He’d have to talk to her about that later.

“Surrender,” Dooku said in a booming voice.

That was smart. “You’re surrendering?” Anakin said. “We accept.”

Dooku rolled his eyes. Anakin didn’t know why he was doing that. He ignored Anakin. “You’re quite brave, I’ll give you that,” he told Padmé. “But that will not help you fight your way out of this.”

Anakin glanced around. There were in fact a lot of battle droids surrounding them. Maybe Padmé fighting them all wasn’t the best idea. Plus Dooku had a weird curved lightsaber too.

Padmé simply tightened her grip on her blaster and pointed it at Dooku. And while Anakin would love to see Padmé shoot Dooku, he did not want Padmé to die again.

“If I come with you,” Anakin blurted out, “Will you promise not to hurt her?”

Padmé and Dooku both stared at him. Finally, Dooku said, “I swear it.”

Anakin tilted his head. “Are you lying to me?”

And in the second that Dooku spent blinking through his shock and confusion, Anakin grabbed Padmé and ran.

And tripped over a rock.

When he looked up, there were a bunch of battle droids pointing blasters at them.

“Well, that’s not good,” he declared.

Padmé woke up in a dimly-lit room on an altar-looking thing and decided that she didn’t like that situation. Especially since she couldn’t see Anakin, which meant they’d been separated, which meant she had to hunt him down and rescue him again. After she’d escaped from… wherever this was.

…Maybe the one-woman rescue hadn’t been the best idea, but she really hadn’t thought she’d need the help! And really, if the count and those droids hadn’t shown up, she would have been fine.

…At least Sabé was probably already looking for her. Her first mate would catch up to them in no time.

But first, Padmé would have to focus on escaping. Then finding Anakin. Then… well, she’d work from there.

Movement caught her eye, and she turned her as much as she could while tied to what she was hoping was not actually an altar. Again, movement skittered in the corner of her eye, this time coming closer. The figure emerged from the shadows, revealing a red-skinned Zabrak with eight mechanical legs stretching out from his body like a spider. Personally, Padmé didn’t see the need for that many legs, but it was always good to experiment, she guessed.

“Where am I?” she asked, because that was the most important thing right now.

“The Pit of Despair!” the figure told her, before beginning to mumble to themself. “Far above, far above…”

“What do they want with me?” Padmé asked. She wasn’t dead yet, but she’d like to be prepared if they planned to kill or torture her.

“Life,” the figure told her. “Far above, far above…”

That told her nothing. “What are they going to do to me?”

The figure just smiled. “Far above, far above, we don't know where we'll fall. Far above, far above, what once was great is rendered small…”

Anakin was bored. Sheev the Sheeviest had put him back in his old apartment, the one he'd gotten kidnapped from, which Anakin couldn't help but think was a bad idea, but unfortunately he hadn't been kidnapped again yet. Plus what he really wanted was to be rescued by Padmé again, which hadn't happened either.

Padmé had been captured too, hadn't she? Maybe something was wrong, and Anakin had to rescue her! Anakin didn't actually know how to rescue someone, but he'd figure it out! He had to save Padmé!

Anakin grabbed the weird-looking dagger from the wall display when the guards weren't looking. It gave him the creeps, but then, the Sheevy dude had just left it there, so Anakin just had to use it, obviously.

“Asajj!” Savage greeted in relief. The seedy bar in the Lower Levels of Coruscant that Asajj had told him to meet her in should they get separated had taken him a bit to find, but when he’d gotten there, she was sitting in a booth drinking a glass of something that Savage didn’t trust in the slightest. Still, he’d been getting lonely, wandering around the galaxy by himself, and it was good to see her. Besides, “Do I have news for you!”

“Likewise,” Asajj told him. “Talzin is dead.”

Savage frowned. “Oh.” She hadn’t been the best mom in the world, but she was still his mom. That was a bit sad. Even if she’d been disappointed to get stuck with three sons and no daughters, and hadn’t really liked any of them… anyway. He had much better news for Asajj. “That dude you were talking about, the one who tried to kill you and had a curved lightsaber? I think he’s the count of Serenno!

Asajj raised an eyebrow. “Dooku? Right hand man of the Emperor Dooku? There’s no way. Tyranus was a self-respecting Sith Lord, there’s no way he’d let himself be in some politician’s pocket.”

“Unless the Emperor’s a Sith Lord too,” Savage pointed out.

Asajj considered it. “That’s a good point.” She stood. “Okay, let’s go kill him.”

Savage’s eyes widened. “Wait!” he said. “You can’t just barge into the Imperial Palace and kill the Emperor’s right hand! The entrance is guarded by fifty battle droids! And even if it wasn’t, there’s still hundreds of droids inside, not to mention the Emperor himself who we’ve just discovered is also a Sith Lord! We’ll be dead before we make it three steps inside!”

Asajj frowned. “You’re right. We’ll have to…” she trailed off. “I don’t know. Tyranus usually just told me how to kill people, he didn’t teach me how to plan it myself. Probably didn’t want me to be able to assassinate him.” She flopped back down in her seat. “Kark.”

“I can’t make plans either,” Savage said. “Dathomir doesn’t really encourage thinking in males.”

“Talzin always made the plans too,” Asajj agreed. “We need someone to make a plan for us.”

“But who’s crazy enough to want to attack the Imperial Palace?” Savage asked.

Asajj leaped up again. “I know who!” she declared. “The Figure in Black, the one who beat us when we kidnapped that crazy idiot who’s supposed to marry the Emperor tonight! They said they had a grudge against a creepy dude who stole their boyfriend, and they were chasing after the future prince! And Sith are nothing if not creepy. Plus, old men marrying dudes in their twenties, those are creepy too! They had to be talking about the Emperor! And to kill the Emperor, you have to attack the Imperial Palace! Plus, they have to make their move tonight, or their true love is going to have to marry the Emperor! We have to find them! They’re our only hope!”

“We have no clue where they are,” Savage protested. It was a big galaxy, and the Figure in Black could be anywhere.

“Who cares?” Asajj said, eyes gleaming crazily. “We’ll find them. We’ll use the Force!” She ran off.

“That’s not how the Force works,” Savage groaned, but ran after her.

Dooku trailed obediently along behind Palpatine, as was expected of him. His Master was chuckling evilly about something, likely how ‘everything was going according to plan’, even if Dooku could personally attest that it in fact wasn’t, and the plans had just been adjusted due to the intervention of unexpected forces, not that Darth Sidious would ever admit that. Dooku’s Master was rather stubborn in that way.

“It’s all going very well,” Palpatine hissed menacingly. Dooku personally thought he just sounded ridiculous. “The people are getting quite attached to him. Having Talzin kidnap and kill the boy on the day of our engagement announcement was one thing. But it will be much more effective- and satisfying- when I assassinate him on our wedding night. The galaxy will be outraged- they’ll demand we go to war.”

Dooku nodded along. The whole thing was rather tasteless in his mind, but he was the Apprentice, and his role was to nod along to whatever convoluted plan his Master was preparing for the glory of the Sith.

“Now where is that secret door,” Palpatine mused. “It’s impossible to find…”

Dooku risked rolling his eyes behind his Master’s back. Greatest Sith Lord in a millennium, right. He couldn’t even remember where he put his secret doors.

“Ah, yes, there,” and the secret door swung open. “You will interrogate the prisoner and see what you can learn from her.”

As expected. “And you, Master?”

Palpatine shot him the politician’s smile, the one of blank politeness that he now only used to be condescending at Dooku. “My dear Apprentice, I have the Coruscant’s Empire Day celebrations to plan, my wedding to arrange, my husband to murder and our troublesome rebels to frame for it. I'm afraid I’m quite busy.”

“Of course. My mistake, Master,” Dooku said blandly, slipping by Palpatine and deeper into the hallways where they kept all their secret Sith stuff. As if his Master could ever get anything done if he didn’t make Dooku do it instead.

He kept an eye out as he walked in further. You never knew what was skittering around in the darkness here. At least Maul just tended to rant at you if you came across him. Or recite weird Sith poetry depending on the day and his current level of sanity.

Dooku wondered what Sith had ever been a poet and silently cursed them in his mind, just for good measure.

Sheev the Stupid-Head was back. Anakin stuck his tongue out at the really old man's back as he strode to the window to look out over Coruscant (not that there was much to see, but whatever. Anakin's not-future-husband could do what he liked) and said stuff about the wedding that Anakin did not in fact intend on going to, never mind that it was his wedding. He started walking up behind the old dude somewhere between ‘we will of course thank the attendees, but it may be too risky to remain for the celebration so soon after your kidnapping’ (how nice of him to be so worried about Anakin's safety) and ‘wedding cake’ (which Anakin was not allowed to eat, for safety reasons).

And in the middle of ‘our well-guarded quarters in the palace’, he took the dagger and stabbed Meanie Sheevie with it.

There were weird glowing red letters on the dagger, Anakin noted vaguely. He didn't think those had been there before.

Sheev stumbled, eyes wide as he stared at the dagger in Anakin's hands.

Then weird blue lightning erupted from the man's fingers, and Anakin blacked out.

Sidious stumbled out of the boy's apartment, snarling to himself. Foolish boy. Stupid, foolish boy. He should have known not to mess with Darth Sidious, Sith Master, epitome of the Dark Side of the Force. He would pay for that with his life.

Also, he'd sworn he'd removed all the Sith Artifacts from that room before moving Skywalker in. How had he missed that dagger?

Ah, never mind that. More importantly, he had to perform the ritual before the dagger’s curse drained all the life from him. He couldn’t trust Dooku to do it, no, treachery was the way of the Sith, and Dooku would simply let Sidious stay dead. As it should be, but at the moment, it was rather annoying, given that the life was currently draining from him- ah. He’d arrived at his secret Sith shrine, hidden for years from the galaxy… yes, he’d better get on that ritual, shouldn’t he?

Growling, Sheev turned to the figure bound to the altar, who was currently eying him with a mix of consideration, annoyance, and the distinct feeling of holding back an eye roll. The audacity. Sidious would make this even more painful than it already was for her for that. It was fitting as well, he supposed, that Skywalker’s love would pay for the boy’s foolish actions. He’d have to inform the boy before he killed him, too. See and savor the horror in his eyes, only growing as Sheev strangled the life out of him without lifting a finger…

But first, he did have to do this ritual before he died.

“Fools,” Sidious snarled as he reached for the Dark Side. “You were both fools to think resisting me would bring you anything but pain.”

A grin crossed his face as the woman began to scream.

“Asajj!” Savage called after her, panting for breath, and Asajj stopped to let him catch up. And maybe figure out where she was going, because admittedly, wandering around Coruscant hoping to stumble on anyone wasn’t exactly the best plan, especially someone who was likely not exactly on the good side of the Emperor and therefore probably not just out walking around. Not that Asajj really knew what they looked like, either, without the mask on, but… okay, maybe she hadn’t really thought this through, but this was their only chance.

“Hang on,” she told Savage. “I’m trying something.” Because when all other options were exhausted, there was nothing like some good old talking to the Force and hoping for some vague idea of what to do, right?

Hey Force! Asajj projected out into the Force. I need some help killing this guy who tried to kill me because I’ve been trying for forever to get my revenge on him and there’s this person I’m trying to find who can help me but I don’t know how to find them. And also I’m trying to do something good for once in my life and their boyfriend is about to be forced to marry a creepy old dude so hey! Everyone wins if I save her right? So help please? Maybe?

Asajj waited for a moment. You had to give these things some time, after all. The Force was very important and couldn’t exactly just drop everything to help some random person at any mome-

Hello Asajj! said a booming voice in her head. Asajj whooped embarrassingly in the middle of a street in the Lower Levels of Coruscant. Not because she hadn’t expected that to work, of course she’d known it would work. Come. We must hurry if we are to find her and prepare you all for your task tonight. It is long past time for those crusty old stuck-up- it’s time you all got to be happy, now come along, there isn’t much time. Yes, there you go, come along, your friend too, now if you just cut through that wall up there you’ll find her. There you go. Best of luck to you all!

Not one to ignore the guidance of the Force, Asajj leaped up several levels and stuck her lightsabers through the indicated wall. By the time she cut through, Savage had joined her, and they stepped into a room with an appropriately creepy atmosphere for what Asajj was pretty sure was a Sith shrine.

The woman they were there for was currently tied to a Sith altar, not moving. Asajj poked her. “I think she’s dead.” That must have been what the Force was referring to when it mentioned preparations for that night. This would indeed require more preparation than Asajj had anticipated, but if they worked quickly enough, they should still have enough time to crash the wedding, and kill Count Dooku of course. Plus probably the Emperor too, since the lady had said she wanted to kill that guy. Good riddance. No one liked that guy, anyway.

“What are we going to do?” Savage asked.

Asajj shrugged. “Well, just because the Sith Emperor’s been trying to remove rival Force sects from existence for the past twenty years or so doesn’t mean there’s no one left on Coruscant who will resurrect people with the Force for the right price. In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s a ‘miracle shop’ just a few blocks away, about six hundred levels down. We can try there, I’m sure I’ve got enough money left over from robbing Talzin and that stupid Neimoidian- Nuke, was that his name?- to pay for a good resurrection. Come on.”

Asajj’s ‘miracle shop’ looked more like a hovel than anything Savage had ever expected to see on Coruscant.

“It’s for the aesthetic,” she assured him. Savage was not convinced.

He supposed he should be more concerned about the fact that no one seemed to care that there were two people just carrying a dead body around the Lower Levels, but then, this was probably normal for them.

Savage hated the fact that it was probably normal for him, too. Even the ‘miracle shop’ didn’t really phase him at this point.

Asajj walked into the shop. A little bell jingled as she opened the door, and Savage followed her. The shop itself was nothing much- and not much bigger on the inside than it appeared on the outside- but there was a little troll-being that Savage assumed was the owner of the shop.

They both looked at Savage and Asajj suspiciously. Savage supposed they were carrying a dead body.

“Is this Idej Miracle Shop?” Asajj asked sweetly. “We’ve found ourselves in need of a miracle.”

“Hmmph,” the shopowner said. “Yes, the miracle shop, this is. Yoda, my name is. Help you, how can I?”

Asajj gestured to Savage. Savage put the dead woman down on the table. “We need to resurrect her.”

“Rather large miracle, that is. Ask for a lot, you do.”

“All things are possible through the Force,” Asajj said with fake wisdom.

The shopkeeper looked at her sharply. “Mention the Force, I did not.”

“If you were trying to keep a low profile, you shouldn’t have named your shop ‘Jedi’ backward.”

Savage could have sworn he heard a cackle, followed by a low ‘told him, I did’, but he must have been mistaken. There was no one else in the shop.

Yoda glared at her. “Want, what do you?”

“I told you. I want you to resurrect her.”

“Hmm. A lot, you ask for. A shop, this is. Expensive, this will be.”

Asajj rolled her eyes. “Two hundred credits.”

“So little, for a resurrection, worked for, I have never. Once, I did. Noble cause, that was, very noble cause, yes.”

“This is very noble.” Asajj hesitated. “She has twins, newborns, and no one to take care of them. Their father was just burned alive in a lava river by his ex-best-friend. There’s no one else to give them to.”

Yoda shot her a look. “Lying to me, you are. Bad at it, you are.”

Asajj rolled her eyes. “I need her to help me get revenge on the man who trained me as an assassin and then tried to have me killed.”

“Better, your first story was.” The old man started stumping away. “Matter, it does not. Ask her, we will.”

Savage blinked. “She’s dead. She can’t talk.”

“Mmmm, mostly dead, she is, yes. But all dead, she is not. Mostly dead, not quite dispersed into the Force, her spirit is. Speak with it, we still can, briefly. Impressions she can give us. Tell me if owed you credits, she did, she can.” Yoda plopped down onto a mat. “The truth, revealed, it will be.”

Suddenly, the Force filled the room enough that even Savage could feel it. Should Savage be able to feel the Force? He wasn’t sure. He didn’t think he was Force-sensitive, right?

But he could certainly feel the question that filled the room. Why live, do you wish to? Why hang onto your self, do you?

And then the response filled the room as well. Not in words, but with one single emotion.

Love.

Savage’s breath caught in his throat. He hadn’t known it was possible to love someone that much, to hold onto it even beyond death, to hold your very being together with it.

He needed to get a boyfriend too, if it made you feel like this.

“See?” Asajj asked, a little quieter. “She has someone she needs to come back for. What could be a nobler cause than that?”

“No nobler cause than that, there is,” Yoda said quietly. But then he seemed to shake himself. “But unclear, that feeling was. Love it was, yes, but love for a person, was it? Feel that, I did not. Many things to love, there are. Love money, some do. Love power…”

“Liar!” a voice said, and Savage jumped, banging his head on the very low ceiling. “Liaaaaaaaaar!”

Yoda leaped to his feet. “Back, witch!”

“A witch I am not! Your wife I am! And say, I do, that lying, you are.”

“Lying, the Jedi Way, it is not. A shame on the Order, that would be.”

“Just like a shame, it would be, if got out again, the seagulls did.”

Yoda looked betrayed. “No need, there was, to bring the seagulls into it.”

The new being, a female troll-being with long hair, turned to Savage and Asajj. “So sorry about that, dears. He’s quite good at being difficult. And after Palpatine wiped out the whole Jedi Order and nearly killed him when they fought, he won’t let himself do more than basic Force use.”

“Say that name, you promised you would not!”

“Palpatine!” the new troll-being said. “Palpatine, Palpatine, Palpatine!” She began chasing Yoda as she repeated the word. He turned, trying to ward her off with his walking stick, but the woman grabbed it and began waving it around as she chased him. “Palpatine, Palpatine, Palpatine!”

Asajj, who had been enjoying the scene in front of them for a bit, suddenly lit up with an idea. “But this is Anakin Skywalker’s true love!” The two troll-beings froze. “If you bring her back, she’ll stop the wedding tonight!”

Yoda suddenly looked interested. “If return her to life, I do, suffer, Palpatine does?”

Asajj had a sort of maniac gleam in her eyes. “Humiliations galore.”

Yoda didn’t hesitate. “On the job, I am. The money, keep it, you will. No other payment, I need.”

Yoda and the troll-woman, whose name was Yaddle, got to work.

According to the Jedi, the resurrection worked. And Asajj supposed the woman was breathing again, even if she was, apparently, sleeping off the resurrection.

“Around an hour, it should take, yes, for her to wake up,” Yoda told them.

An hour. That didn’t give them much time to come up with a plan, but hopefully, the woman was a good planner. Asajj would make do with whatever.

“Now off you go, dears, have fun storming the castle!” Yaddle said sweetly, ushering them out the door.

About five minutes into their walk to the Imperial Palace, the woman woke up.

Asajj wasn’t sure whether to blame the old troll Jedi or the crazy lady herself for that.

“I suppose you’re here about Dooku,” the woman said dryly. Then she paused. “Why can’t I move?”

“You’ve been mostly dead all day,” Savage told her.

“And yes,” Asajj said. “Among other things. Mostly, Skywalker’s going to marry Palpatine- who’s also a Sith Lord- tonight unless we stop the wedding. So we have to storm the heavily guarded Imperial Palace as soon as possible, steal Skywalker, and I kill Count Dooku, and then we escape with half the Empire chasing us led by an angry Sith Lord.”

The woman snorted. “Palpatine’s never led a charge in his life.” She frowned. “How heavily guarded?”

“Fifty battle droids guard the entrance,” Asajj told her, “and more inside. Plus the two Sith Lords.”

The woman nodded to herself. She was clearly recovering fast, if she was already moving. “Alright. The battle droids shouldn’t be too much trouble, if we play it right. What are our strengths?”

“I was trained as an assassin,” Asajj said. “You’ve seen me fight. Savage is good at brute force. Whatever you bring to the table.” She paused. “And the Force likes us and wants us to succeed.”

“Always a good sign,” the woman said. “I’m Padmé. And if we’re going to pull this off, we’re going to have to get you a really cool looking cloak.”

Asajj didn’t know what that had to do with anything, but she had a good feeling about this.

Anakin stood next to Sheevio in his white suit, to contrast the groom’s black one. Anakin personally thought that was unfair. If he was going to have to participate in this wedding, he should at least get to wear a dress. The white suit just looked dumb.

Anakin didn’t yawn, but that was only because he didn’t want to make Weirdo Sheevo angry and shoot that weird lightning at him again. That had hurt.

At the front of the reception hall stood the Senator from Ryloth, one of the ones that were really loyal to the Emperor for some reason. He gestured for those gathered- mainly fancy Senator people, a couple of Moffs and other highly ranked Imperials, and Sheev’s family, who didn’t look particularly happy to be there. They were really old, too. Like, even older than Sheev, which Anakin hadn’t known was possible- to sit, and they all did. Then, he started to speak.

“Mawage,” he said. “Mawage is wot bwings us togeder today. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam…”

This, Asajj decided, was the most fun she’d had in years.

She stalked up the many steps of the Imperial Palace, wondering what they needed with so many steps but deciding that if it helped her approach be even more dramatic, she would appreciate it. Her lightsabers were activated in her hands, and she did not stop, did not hesitate at all the blasters pointed at her.

After all, that was not what a Sith Lord would do.

“I am Darth Tremleforme,” she roared. “I have returned from the beyond to take what is mine, as I have before, and you shall fall. Know fear, those who would stop me, for you have met your doom!”

Asajj was not great at monologuing. She preferred more subtle methods like flirting with her enemies. But all great Sith Lords monologued. And it seemed to work, because after a second where no one moved, one of the droids threw their blaster away and ran, hands in the air, screaming, “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

There was another second of silence, and then the other droids followed suit. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” they screamed, running every which way, bumping into each other and causing general pandemonium. Asajj cut down a few unfortunate droids that came into her path, only increasing the panic.

And then, finally, she reached the door, where two battle droids were standing frozen, watching the scene play out. Savage carried Padmé in from the side, and the trio faced the droids.

“Open this door!” Asajj commanded.

The droids looked at each other. “Ummm… no!” one responded.

They were braver than the rest, at least.

“Cut their arms off,” Padmé suggested.

“Hey did I say no I really meant no problem right away ma’am!”

Smart, too. Didn’t see that a lot in battle droids.

“And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva…”

They didn’t get very far before Count Dooku found them, his escort of droidekas behind him.

“I’ll take care of this,” Asajj told Savage, stepping in front of him and Padmé, who was leaning against a statue.

“It was foolish of you to return, Asajj,” Dooku warned.

“We’ll see,” Asajj said, and moved even as Dooku raised a hand to signal his droids to open fire, rolling to the ground and bringing her lightsabers up through the droids’ shields and bodies, destroying them. Then she rolled to her feet, turning to face Dooku.

Dooku seemed to consider the situation, and then turned and bolted.

Asajj hesitated in surprise for a moment, and then charged after him. Dooku ran through a door, which closed behind him. Asajj didn’t even stop, slamming the door open and to pieces with the Force as she ran through.

Savage stared after her for a moment, decided she would be fine, and turned back to Padmé, to offer to help her along again.

Padmé was gone.

“...and do you, Awnakan Skywalkaw…”

“Man and husband, say man and husband,” Sheev snarled.

“Man and husband.”

That seemed to be good enough for Sheev, who shoved Anakin over to his ancient parents and told them to escort Anakin to their rooms, and Sheev would catch up with them soon.

“Come along dear,” said Sheev’s mother, while his father mumbled something about a strange wedding.

Anakin couldn’t help but wonder if he was actually married, given that he hadn’t said ‘I do’ (he’d actually been planning on saying ‘I don’t’, and it was kind of disappointing that he hadn’t had the chance, but still), but decided that that was the sort of thought that was best kept to himself.

Asajj charged after Dooku, lightsabers blazing. He wouldn’t get away from her. She would make him pay for everything she’d suffered. For everything-

The warning in the Force screamed just a second too late for her to dodge the lightning that went flying from his fingers into her body. She knew that lightning, had been punished with it many times, yet she couldn’t stop herself from faltering, from dropping her lightsabers and crumbling under it.

“The failed assassin, here to fail yet again,” Dooku taunted, advancing on her. He released the lightning, letting her collapse, and activated his lightsaber. “Time for one final lesson, I see.”

No. No, she couldn’t fail, couldn’t die here, she wouldn’t give him that satisfaction, she didn’t want to die…

Calm, child, the Force said, and Asajj could feel it reaching out to her, comforting her. You will not die here, not if you let me guide you.

Asajj nodded weakly, not enough for Dooku to notice. She let herself fall into the Force, lean on it, felt it steady her aching limbs. Another blast of lightning, casually flicked from Dooku’s hand, caused her to slip for a moment, but the Force was there to catch her. Wait, my child, just a little longer. Just a little closer…

“Ready to die, assassin?” Dooku asked with a snarl. He raised his lightsaber.

Asajj surrendered to the Force entirely, felt her lightsaber’s fly to her hands, and surged upward.

Dooku stumbled back, twin holes through his chest where Asajj’s lightsabers had struck.

“My name is Asajj Ventress,” she said. “And the only person here who is dying today is you.”

Sheev’s parents left Anakin in Sheev’s room, before leaving to… wherever they were going, Anakin wasn’t sure. It didn’t really matter to him, though. At the moment, he was alone in Sheev’s room, and he didn’t particularly care for waiting around until Sheev got back.

“I wonder what cool creepy weapons I could kill him with this time,” Anakin mused to the silent room.

“Please don’t,” said the most beautiful voice in the galaxy. “I don’t particularly feel like being used as a human battery again.”

Padmé Amidala was sitting in one of Sheev’s fancy chairs and smiling at him, and Anakin was the happiest man in the galaxy.

This time, Anakin didn’t say anything. He just crossed the room and kissed Padmé. He could have stayed there kissing Padmé forever.

But then Padmé stiffened, and Anakin straightened up in Padmé’s lap, knowing who had just entered the room.

“Hi, Sheev, ” Anakin said, side-eying the man.

“Do not address your Emperor in that fashion,” Sheev responded, ice in his eyes. And muddy boots in his hands, for some reason. Was there even mud on Coruscant? Anakin didn’t think so.

“Why not?” Anakin shot back. “Sheev, Sheev, Sheevy Sheev, Sheevy Sheev Sheev Sheev-”

Padmé snickered. “I think that’s enough, Ani. The slimy piece of muck gets it.”

“Both of you will pay for this,” Sheev snarled.

“I don’t think so,” Padmé said. “I still haven’t had words with you for that trick with the sucking of my life, much less how you tried to steal my boyfriend.” She stood, a bit more carefully than Anakin was expecting, and grabbed Anakin’s hand as they stood side by side. She pulled out her beskar sword with her free hand. “And I don’t think I will, at this point. Your head detached from your body will do the trick.”

“You think you can defeat me?” Sheev sneered. “You, a lowly being, against me, the greatest Sith Lord to ever live?”

Anakin stepped forward. “Yeah, she can, you wrinkly-faced, Hutt-kriffing, dung for bra-”

Before he could finish his string of insults, Anakin tripped over a pedestal, knocking the creepy-looking triangle thing off of it.

For a moment, everything was frozen.

And then creepy red energy tentacles shot out of the triangle thing, surrounding Sheev to the sound of his screams, and then disappearing, taking Sheev with them.

Anakin’s friend Asajj who had helped kidnap him stared at them from the doorway. “Where’d he go?”

Anakin pointed helpfully to the thing he’d knocked over. “It ate him.”

“Right,” Padmé said from where she was staring at where Sheev had disappeared. “Let’s go, then.” She stumbled. “Ani, a little help?”

“Of course!” Anakin said, running over to her to help her toward the window.

“So,” Asajj said as they prepared to jump out the window (and it wasn’t a cliff, but still, yay!), “what’s the plan for avoiding half the Empire?”

At that moment, Anakin’s other friend who had kidnapped him, Savage, walked out from around the corner to stand under the window. “There you are!” he called.

They jumped out the window to join him.

“Where were you?” Asajj asked.

“I could ask you the same thing,” Savage responded. “But I did find some tanks.”

Padmé shrugged. “That works.”

And so, they piled into the tanks, and they rode off as the sun started to rise on Coruscant.

Anakin smiled at Padmé beside him, and she smiled back, as perfectly as ever, and Anakin decided he had to kiss her again. No one could blame him for that, right?