Chapter Text
Reiner was turning the key in his dorm door at the university campus. He was in his third and final year at university studying I.T. He knew there would be moving in some neighbours in the dorm but he didn't really care until he heard a familar, but much deeper and almost unrecognisable voice.
"Reiner" and as Reiner slowly turned towards the sound of that voice he felt goosebumps emerge along his entire body.
“Eren” Reiner said as he eyed the person in front of him. The man who had changed so much. Who had become even more handsome than Reiner remembered. His long brown hair wrapped up in a messy bun. His dark tank top that revealed his toned and muscly arms filled with tattoos. His very prominent cheekbones and strong jawline that looked like it could cut something. His green eyes that when contrasted with his tan skin looked so bright that they almost shined. He had grown so much taller, before he had been almost a head shorter than Reiner, now they were almost the same height. He was gorgeous.
Even just looking at him made Reiner weak in the knees, a small flush filled his pale cheeks. The intense eye contact between hazel and emerald eyes filled the hallway with tension and made the blonde man almost lose his breath. Something within him screamed at him to turn around, close the door and leave immediately, but another part within him was stunned, those emerald eyes had him in a trance.
It had been years since they last saw each other. Not after.... that thing.
Their break up.
Eren had been madly in love with him all throughout high school. They shared mutual friends and talked a lot despite Reiner being a grade above Eren. They quickly became close friends. Reiner had noticed Eren’s crush on him quite fast; it was obvious to anyone. It was the way Eren’s eyes would wander to his in the cafeteria, and the sparks that would shine in his eyes once Reiner looked back, quickly followed by a panicked look on his face along with a blush on his cheeks as the younger boy looked away. He would smile softly to himself and always look back to see if Reiner was still looking, which he usually was.
Reiner could also tell by the way Eren would find any excuse to talk to him whenever he saw him, or touch him and would always , somehow, be waiting in front of Reiner’s locker before class, just to get a moment to speak to him. Eren would always light up whenever Reiner spared him a moment of his attention, and if Reiner ever praised Eren for anything whether it be his grades, or his atheltic abilities during a school basketball game, and Reiner must admit he found it cute.
Of course all their mutual friends had noticed too. Annie and Armin would always laugh and try to push Eren towards Reiner, sometimes causing the brunette to bump into the blonde, and immediately becoming flustered and shy, something he never was. Reiner found it cute to see someone go from being so outgoing to becoming so shy.
Bertholdt would also look at Eren with a questioning glance, although the sweetness and innocence of Eren's crush made him keep it a secret from Reiner, even though he felt like Reiner knew. Bertholdt would play along saying that Eren was like that with everyone. However, that just made it even more noticeable to Reiner, since he knew his best friend better than anyone, and could always tell when he was lying.
But the icing on the cake that really made everyone realise how much Eren actually liked reiner was Mikasa. She was so jealous of Reiner that the tension between them could cut a knife. The death stares she sent him, even started to scare him a bit. She was already standoffish to people who she wasn’t close to but to Reiner she was the coldest. Mikasa was a nice person though, she’d never do anything to harm anyone, not even Reiner, but since Mikasa had liked Eren for so long, she hated to see him being smitten by someone else, and not her.
But Reiner didn’t like Eren in that that way, not that much. He truly loved him as a friend, and he was definitely attracted to him. He thought it must have been a small crush. He had to admit he did like the way Eren liked him, but that’s all it was…
So when Eren confessed to Reiner one day after school while sitting together on a wooden bench in a park at the beginning of Reiner’s senior year; Reiner said yes and he’ll never forget the look of happiness that was on Eren’s face. Those sparkling emerald eyes, the look of happiness, like a little kid on Christmas morning. He really thought it was so cute and he couldn't stop himself from ruffling Eren's hair with his hand, something that made Eren even more flustered.
They became so close, so fast. And Reiner could really start to see himself falling for Eren, he fell so effortlessly, like it was meant to be, like Eren was the one for him. They even had their first kiss together, lost their virginities together, all their first were with each other. Reiner had always known he was gay but had tried to suppress it his whole life, but once Eren had confessed and he started dating him he couldn't suppress it anymore, he genuinely fell in love with Eren.
He remembered all their moments, them laying together whispering 'I love you's' to each other, them having fun in his bedroom just playing games or watching movies, them hanging out at the park, them going to the cinema together, just anything that every other couple did, they did. And Reiner loved it.
Eren had always been the first to say that he loved Reiner, but one day 3 months into their relationship Reiner said it while Eren had been sitting next to him in his room, he had looked over at Eren's laughing face, his eyes closed and his face was just so content and happy that it tendered Reiner's heart and without Reiner even realising it he had said "I love you". Eren had immediately looked at Reiner before tears were welling up in his eyes and he jumped on him, hugging him closely and saying "I love you too, so much, I'll always love you"
But all good things must come to and end, their first love turned into their first heart breaks.
-
Reiner returned home to see his mom sitting quietly by the dining table, he could see she had been upset as the rims of her eyes were red like she had just cried. Her face was dull, as if she was feeling empty inside, but she was acting as if nothing was going on. It made Reiner feel sad to see his mom looking like that however, when Reiner looked across the table and saw his dad sitting there, he stilled. He was scared, a rush of anxiety hit him right in his stomach.
His parents were divorced, and they had always had a lot of issues, they never got along and throughout Reiner’s whole childhood they barely even spoke, and when they did, it was arguments. So his dad being here meant something serious had happened, and that made Reiner anxious.
Reiner had never been close to his dad. After he cheated on his mum and started a ‘loving and perfect’ family with the mistress, Reiner had resented him deeply. Reiner had skipped out on a lot of ‘family’ dinners at his dad’s place, and birthdays for his dad’s new kids. The anger and resentment, but mostly the hurt he felt from being abandoned, from not being good enough was something that ate Reiner up inside, it followed him around always.
It didn’t help that his dad never really cared for Reiner. Only seeing him when he needed, and paying the minimum amount of child support, a pretense he was using to save his image of being the cheating and deadbeat husband and dad so he could turn around and pretend that he cared. Just being in his dad's presence made Reiner feel uncomfortable, angry and also scared.
“Hey mom… dad” Reiner said, trying to act as if he wasn’t panicking when he looked at his dad.
”Rein-“ his mum started but was interrupted by the loud and aggressive voice that Reiner recognised as his dads.
”what the fuck are you doing”
”What do you mean dad?“ Reiner said he was confused and very scared, also shocked by the sudden aggression coming from his dad’s deep voice
”Your grades are fucking terrible” his dad said, his face was red in fuming anger and his eyes looked at Reiner with a disgusting look in them. It was then that Reiner noticed the crumpled piece of paper in his dads hand which was what he assumed to be his report card.
Oh no, Reiner thought. Even though his dad wasn’t always there, he still expected Reiner to be the perfect son with perfect grades in order to reflect his dads perfect image as a ceo of one of the biggest I.T companies. Reiner was expected to work there as soon as he graduated university, his dad really couldn't care less about what Reiner even wanted to do. Because although they were never close his dad's legacy had to go on. His half siblings were quite a few years younger and would first be joining the work force around 10 years after Reiner, and his dad could not bare the ‘image’ that would precede him if his oldest son didn’t work at his company.
His dad was all about showing that he was the perfect person and perfect dad who loved his children, even though he never even cared about Reiner. And it hurt, it hurt so much, like a knife stabbed into his heart. Reiner had cried himself to sleep so many nights, and it was only when he was with Eren that he had felt happy and safe.
His life plan was already planned out for him by his dad. First he would get into one of the best universities where he would study I.T and graduate at the top of his class with honours, whereafter he would become a high position in his dads company but not being the heir or taking over it. That was his younger half brother's duty. His dad’s favourite son. A fact that had always been clear to everyone especially Reiner. It made the words ‘not good enough’ and ‘unlovable’ stir around in his mind and he really felt it.
”I’m sorry dad, I’ll do better on my next exams.” Reiner said, his voice trembling, he was feeling ashamed and embarrassed. His grades were okay, some B’s but the majority were A’s. But he knew his dad expected straight A’s and he had failed him. He was a terrible son. He was dumb, he wasn’t good enough, he would never be good enough.
”You better, how on earth are you expecting to join the top I.T university with these grades, shameful, I thought I raised you better than this” his dad said and the look of disappointment in his eyes made Reiner shudder. He wanted to say "You never even raised me" but he was too scared, and he didn't want to talk back, he didn't want his dad to hate him even more, in some sick and twisted way he wanted his dad to be proud of him.
”not only that, I heard you’re dating” his dad said with a very cold voice laced with disgust
Reiner panicked, his head became dizzy as his eyes widened. He wasn’t out yet, how did they know. Anxiety was buzzing through his stomach, and he lowered his vision from his dads eyes, being too shameful to look at them and instead looking at the ground beneath him, noticing the wooden floor. He knew his dad wouldn't approve. His dad was the most homophobic person he had ever met.
A silence occurred as Reiner wasn't replying, he didn't know what to say. He heard a strange whimper from his mom, clearly they all knew that he was dating a boy but no one said anything. It was very awkward and uncomfortable. Reiner was speechless and he didn't know what to say, his mind was blank and his heart was beating so loudly, he could hear loud thumps in his ears.
Reiner looked up to meet his dad’s angry brown eyes before he stepped forward and pointing an aggressive finger into his son’s face, which was now so pale he looked sick.
”let alone dating a fucking boy. What do you think this is? That is not acceptable Reiner. Not at all you better sort that out before University”
Karina tried to stop him ”Carl, please, he’s our son” but it was to no avail, his dad didn’t care what his mom said as he had never respected her or Reiner for that matter, he just looked at them as if they were trash on the sidewalk.
”No you better break up with him, the public will not find out about this. I am not going to be having a gay son, that shit’s disgusting”
Reiner’s heart sunk and he was shaking, he looked to his mom who averted her eyes from him, her silence meaning she agreed or she was too scared to stand up for him, but whatever it was, it hurt him so much, he had always loved his mom, she was all he had. Reiner’s eyes were tearing up, he could not speak and he was completely frozen in place.
”You’re going to break up with that boy, and then you’re going to study and get all A’s. You only have 3 months left of high school, then it’s off to university, and with these grades it’s not looking good. You will NOT disappoint me, and you won’t bring shame to my empire and what I’ve worked so hard to build”
Reiner looked at his dads angry face that started to turn cool and collected, in a way that was very scary and very calculated and just gave Reiner the creeps. Reiner’s hands turned into fists. He wanted to tell him no that he wouldn’t do it. That he loved Eren. That he was gay and that’s who he was. But he couldn’t. He was scared and all he wanted ever since he was a young boy was to make his parents proud. He just wanted to be good enough for them. He could feel the tension inside him, he wanted to cry but he just kept it inside him as he always did.
”Y- yes dad”. He said, his voice shaking as he bit down on his lips trying to sound as if he didn’t care, but his heart was breaking.
”Well, good now that that’s sorted, I’ll be off” his dad said. He walked stiffly past them just giving a look. He was walking out like he didn’t care, like he wasn’t their family, like he wasn’t his dad. Reiner was still when he walked past, a rush of tension creeping down his neck. His dad didn't even bother to say bye.
Karina’s voice flooded through the room ”it’s for the best Reiner, we mean well, think about your future. I know it’s hard, but you’re still young, you’ll find someone else” it had an ounce of empathy, but also a bit of sadness.
Reiner froze, he felt nothing but disappointment, emptiness and sadness within him. He always thought Karina would be there for him no matter what, like she had always been. He couldn’t understand why he’d agree with his dad. But a part of Reiner, the part that so deeply wanted his parents acknowledgement and support, thought that maybe it was for the best. His grades had dropped since dating Eren, they had spent way too much time together that could have been spent better studying. He had fallen in love. How despicable, love never ends well it’s just a prequel for heartbreak. Look at what happened to his mom. Love isn’t a good thing, it’s nothing but weakness.
”Yes, mom” he said quietly and emotionlessly, before he went into his room and laid down on his bed and started to cry. He silenced his sobs with his pillow because he did not want his mom to hear.
If love was the worst and nothing but pain, why was his heart breaking thinking about not being with Eren.
Eren loved him so much, Eren made him feel so happy, so at peace, the best he’d ever felt in his life. Reiner was disgusting and couldn’t even get straight A’s. He couldn’t even make his parents proud so how could Eren ever be proud of him. How could Eren ever love him. His own dad didn’t love him so how could anyone else. After all, Reiner was unlovable, right? Eren deserved better. He could do way better than Reiner. These thoughts flooded through his mind as he cried himself to sleep wishing he’d just die in his sleep and never wake up.
Reiner wanted to be with Eren, but he was scared, and he didn't feel deserving of him so he figured the best thing would be to let Eren go, let Eren be happy with someone else, with someone better.
The next day at school, Eren ran up behind him as he was putting his books into his locker, hugging him from behind as he always did. He always seemed so happy to see Reiner, and he was happy to see him too, but today it hurt, he knew what he had to do.
“Good morning baby” Eren’s soft and loving voice whispered into his ears filling Reiner with butterflies as he always did. He wished he could just forget it all, but every time he closed his eyes he saw his parents disapproving faces, and he just couldn't handle it.
Emotions were flowing through Reiner, he felt so sad, so disgusting, but most of all, he felt guilty for what he was about to do to the person he loved. He couldn’t even stick up for him, he couldn't even choose him, Eren deserved better.
He sighed as he pulled out of Eren’s grip and closed his locker. He tensed for a moment not wanting to do what he knew he had to do.
“What’s wrong baby” Eren said with concern present in his voice as he placed his hand on Reiners shoulder. He could feel the anxiety and the sadness in Reiner's body. He could hear it in Reiner's sigh, that's how well he knew him.
Reiner quickly pulled his hand off him as he turned around a cold look in his eyes.
Let’s break up” he said calmly, hiding all the emotions and all the heartbreak that was within himself.
He couldn’t bear the look on Eren’s face as he watched him turn from the sweet innocent boy he knew into a sad and pained person. His eyes had widened, his smile was erased from his face.
”What? Why?” He said gasping, tears spilling from his eyes
”I love you so much, Reiner, why do you wanna break up all of a sudden” he said whimpering as he was starting to cry. It was breaking Reiners heart he didn’t know what to answer so he just looked down at his hands as he was fidgeting with them, a thing he did to ease his anxiety.
”Answer me Reiner, why, all of a sudden do you want to break up? At least give me a reason” Eren said emotion spilling out everywhere, he sounded both sad, hurt, and angry. Even more so confused, just yesterday they had been fine, they had been hanging out all day at school and having fun. Reiner had even told him he loved him.
There were a few seconds of silence that were interrupted by one of Eren’s sobs.
Reiner looked into the pale green eyes that were wet with tears, usually they were so stunning but now they looked like a tragic piece of art. Reiner's face grimaced as his chest sunk, his pain feeling almost physical, he opened his mouth to speak before he was interrupted.
”Please give me a second chance, I’ll do anything you want me to do, I love you... Please don’t leave me” Eren said sobbing, as he tried to hug Reiner, who just stood there in complete silence, his arms not moving as Eren grabbed onto him tightly. Reiner started tearing up but quickly wiped his tears before Eren noticed.
I’m so sorry Eren, I love you, I hope you find someone who can love you and treat you the way you deserve, I hope you find someone better than me, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry, Reiner was repeating in his mind, ashamed of himself.
”I just don’t love you... I never did” he said, his cold voice filling Eren’s ears causing him to sob loudly, his tears wetting Reiner's t-shirt before he looked up at Reiner in so much pain that Reiner felt his own heart breaking.
Reiner sighed before he gave Eren one final look and walked away leaving Eren to cry alone.
I'm a coward, I’m worthless, I should have stood up to my parents to protect him, he was the one person I loved and I still failed. I’m a worthless failure, he thought before walking into the toilet where he cried silently and alone.
After that they never spoke again. Eren did try to reach out to Reiner by sending him texts like “I still love you” “I miss you” “please come back to me” but Reiner ignored every single one, even though he wished he could reply. In fact Reiner did block Eren just because it was too much and he felt too guilty.
Eren even tried to talk to him in person at lunch when Reiner was sitting with Bertholdt and Annie, but Reiner just walked away as Eren walked over to the table leaving the younger boy heartbroken and Annie and Bertholdt thinking about what a fucking asshole Reiner was.
They still stuck with him though because they’d been friends for years, they knew he meant well under that tough exterior. They knew that he truly had loved Eren and they assumed that something had happened that made Reiner change, after all they did know how homophobic his dad was. They were the only one who still talked to him.
After what happened with Eren, pretty much all of their friends picked Eren’s side, even though Eren wanted them all to still be friends with Reiner. He still loved him and wanted to protect him. He didn't want people to look at Reiner as a bad guy, but they all did.
Mikasa and Jean even approached him one day when school had finished for the day and said how he was a fucking asshole who didn't deserve Eren, Jean had grabbed onto him by the collar, and Reiner didn’t fight back, he didn’t say a word. He deserved it. It only stopped when Eren walked by and painfully stopped it in shock, begging them to stop. Jean let go of his grip on Reiner, and Reiner looked up, catching the familiar beautiful eyes he still loved, but were so heartbroken, they were a bit different, a bit colder. Eren gave Reiner a small but pained smile and tried to talk to him, he even tried to apologise for Jean's actions, but Reiner just walked away not saying a word. He knew he didn't deserve that apology which only made Jean and Mikasa even more mad.
I don’t deserve you, I’m sorry.