Chapter Text
Year 13, Coruscanti Rotation 126
Today our path crossed with that of Padmé Amidala.
She is now a Senator in her own right, having shed away the stoic silence of her regal days. Gone are the costumes and adornments of a Queen, and in the years since I had last seen her in Naboo, the fierce girl who fought for the liberation of her people has blossomed into an equally determined woman.
Her voice, however, remains as gentle as it had been when we last talked after my Master’s funeral pyre. Although I do not remember her words, her grief and concern had been genuine, and a great deal more humane than what was allowed to my peers.
Looking back, I cannot help but ponder on the strange sequence of events that took away my Master while placing my grief and comfort in the hands of two beings who shared none of the restraints imposed on us who choose the way of the Jedi. Even though ten years have passed, both Padmé and Anakin seemingly share the same disregard for containing one’s feelings, something made rather evident by her elation at our visit even under grave circumstances.
And despite my own reservations towards those of her political class, I find myself warmed by the genuine affection she offers to both me and my Padawan.
Anakin, of course, could scarcely contain himself. For all the absurd and unexpected situations we’ve had to find our ways out of, I had never seen the boy quite so nervous – not even when he’s been made to explain himself before our Council. I suspect he would have been more at ease handling a Krayt dragon than formulating complete sentences in front of the Senator.
Alas, he mustn’t be judged, least of all by me.
Padmé played an important role at a crucial time in Anakin’s life. And despite his undeniable skills, his infectious laughter, and his earnest sympathy for those around him, the truth is my Padawan still craves genuine friendship.
I fear he shall not find it in the Order – not in his terms, at least.
Despite my efforts – or perhaps because of my failures – Anakin still resents the lines we Jedi trace around our feelings and relationships. He loves and cares in absolutes, and yet fate has surrounded him by those who do not can neither embrace nor return such devotion.
And so, the boy who craves the one thing the Order cannot provide is left with me. An ageing Jedi with very little left to teach, and even less to offer in terms of comforting words and companionship, having had little experience with it myself.
He strives to push through every barrier I raise, to challenge every limit I try to impose. He talks of his mother, and his nightmares in which she is swallowed by the sands of that forsaken planet, and despite my heart’s desire to hold and comfort the boy, all that I can offer are hollow words.
Dwelling in the past is not the way of the Jedi, but for every time Anakin’s voice grows louder while my own descends into resolute silence, I am faced with the same question.
Would it have been so, had Qui-Gon survived? Would Anakin have challenged him every step of the way?
Would he have needed to?
I find myself incapable of bringing this thought to completion, for the fear of an answer is too great there’s nothing I can do to change the past. My Master is gone, and Anakin Skywalker, the Chose One, is my keep.
I must trust that such is the will of the Force, and that despite my failings as his Master, he shall learn to bring his feelings to heel as all Padawans eventually do. As I did, and do, everyday.
Perhaps seeing Padmé’s unwavering loyalty to her obligations above her own happiness and even safety can inspire him to do the same.
He must see see that she is not an angel from the moons of Iego, but a real person, and one whose responsibilities no longer fit into the naïve infatuation of Anakin’s childhood.
Once he understands that the youths who last said goodbye in Naboo now meet as adults bound to the weight of their duties, perhaps the remaining ties of friendship will soothe his cravings, and Anakin will at last find the balance within, thus fulfilling his potential as the great Jedi Qui-Gon was sure he would become.
Despite my failures and Anakin’s misgivings, I myself am overtaken with gratefulness and hope after our encounter with Padmé.
Grateful that for once my Padawan will be in the company of someone who can offer kinder, warmer words than his Master, but who shares my commitment to order and duty.
Hopeful that rekindling our friendship with the Senator will show Anakin that there are indeed people in his life who care for him, and who wish for his happiness.
May the Force guide us, and not turn these words into a fool’s hope.
(It is curious, I suppose, that I should encounter this forgotten journal gifted to me by Qui-Gon on the same day that Padmé reemerged into our lives, bringing with her memories of that fateful day so many years ago. When faced with dilemmas beyond his knowledge, my Master often reached to the tides of fate, trusting the Force to open the path towards where our destines lie. I shall honour his beliefs, and place my faith into whatever threads unfold before us.)