Archive of Our Own

The hum of the fluorescent lights made him restless in his seat, leaning from one arm to another and shaking one leg and the other. The principal’s mouse click made Raj uneasy, and he didn’t understand why it was such a big issue. Who even needed Chemistry anyway? Who cares if he was failing? He passed biology last year and still has another year to do more science classes, it was not that urgent. Yet, the principal thought otherwise. He stood up from his seat and walked to the printer.

“Raj, you may not think this is a big issue, but I assure you it is. No one wants to do two full science classes senior year. If this continues, your coach may kick you off the team. Also, your previous failing classes have tarnished your GPA.” He speaks eloquently and his voice feels like a juxtaposition. His principal has an unapproachable, somewhat intimidating appearance, while his voice is smooth and father-like. There is silence for a few moments, the only sound other than the lights are the printer noises. When the printer shot up a paper, he grabbed the paper from the printer and slid it across his desk to Raj.

“Take a look— your GPA would’ve been higher, possibly a 3.3, but since you failed those two electives, it’s a 2.8.” He pauses while he sits down and coughs into his arm, “If you failed Chemistry, it would tank your GPA, maybe a 2.7 or 2.6.” He leans back in his chair, crossing his arms. “You have potential, Raj, you just have to apply yourself.”

Raj huffed and rolled his eyes, that’s all he’s ever heard. Apply yourself. Focus more. Get serious. Devote yourself. It was so pointless, maybe he doesn’t have the capacity to “apply himself.” He also leans back and crosses his arms but it is different than how his principal does it; his principal’s leaning back means authority and importance. Raj means disobedience, a problem. 

“Don’t give me that attitude. You know I’m right. I’m not trying to embarrass you, Raj, no no. You’re a very smart kid, I just think you need a step in the right direction.” He stops talking to send a message on the computer and all Raj hopes for is that it isn’t his mom. His mom put a ton of effort and money into the school with hockey and all of that, and she’d be upset if he was threatened off the team. 

“Am I kicked off the team?” He asked, his voice cracking a tiny bit in a weak, embarrassing way. Raj loves hockey, it’s what he wants to do after school, and he cannot imagine losing it all because of chemistry. His principal grabs a pen and sticky notes and writes something on it pretty fast. He slides it over to Raj, tapping his pen across the desk.

“Ah, no no. Unless it doesn’t improve by the end of the semester. Colleges may be looking for athletes but they don’t seek out people below a 2.9 GPA, usually.” Raj grabs ahold of the note as his principal speaks and it reads 146 , it’s one of the study hall rooms. 

“I looked at your schedule and you have a study hall class, I’ve requested you go in there for a different study hall instead of your usual study hall. I have arranged a tutor for you, he’s very eager to help you.” Raj looks up in horror, a tutor? How stupid is he? He knows he’s failing but he knows how to do Chemistry— if he ever paid attention, or if he took notes, or, well, maybe he doesn’t know how to do Chemistry.

“A tutor? I— what, no. That’s so embarrassing .” He stammers, letting out a dry laugh, eyes darting around, and shifts in his seat. He taps his foot. The principal laughs and little and shakes his head.

“Embarrassing? No, no. Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. Like, Raj, I’ve taken a look at your other grades and you’re doing outstanding in English and your little uh, computer class!” He smiles in a comforting way and Raj admits, he does feel a little better. The embarrassment is still obvious on his face. “Don’t worry Raj. I picked a person that won't make you feel inferior or stupid. Having a tutor doesn’t mean you’re dumb or anything. He won’t make you feel embarrassed.”

“Uhh, who is it?” He pulls at thread on his sleeves nervously, biting the skin off his lips nervously.

“A student on Student Council— Bowie Boucher.” He smiles, “He is a very nice boy, and I assure you he won’t think negatively of you.” Raj hums nervously, he recognizes the name but he’s never met him. Most of the school knows who Bowie is, he’s one of the only few openly gay kids. He makes it quite obvious, he’s flamboyant and has a priss-like attitude. Raj isn’t sure if he should be glad he doesn’t know him or not.

“Okay,” Raj mutters, sinking lower into his seat. “Do I go today?” He adds on, unsure. 

“Yes, today. You’re free to leave whenever, let me write you a late pass.” Raj groans as the principal grabs a paper from a folder on his desk and hastily writes down the information. 

Four more hours.

He stands outside of room 146. Arms crossed, foot mildly shaking. It honestly shouldn’t be such a big deal, but it’s embarrassing. Also, he is seven minutes late and the whole class will look at him and it’s obvious he doesn’t belong in that class. He takes a very shaky breath and opens the door. Luckily, it doesn’t seem like the class is in work mode quite yet. Everyone is talking and people are standing up out of seats or sitting on the tables.

He walks into the classroom and closes the door behind him and he scans the room looking for Bowie, he kinda knows what he looks like. He sees most likely him, sitting at one of the tables in the back right corner. He has his legs crossed, his Chromebook open and it’s mildly obvious that he’s on his phone.

He walks slowly to the table until he’s right in front of him, “Uh are you- uh are you Bowie?” he stutters out and Bowie quickly puts his phone away before he realizes it’s just another student. Bowie lets out a smile.

“Yup, that’s me. You’re the hockey dude I’ve gotta tutor?” He says and Raj lets out a noise of discontent before looking around horrified.

“Dude— Don’t say it so loud! Uh, please.” He quickly sits down, “But yes, I am. For Chemistry.” He avoids eye contact, looks down, pulls out his chemistry notebook and folder, and is very unorganized. He feels embarrassed.

Bowie lets out a laugh, “Wow, maybe we should go through the folder first and organize it.” He says, grabbing the folder. He goes through most of the papers but a lot of it is blank, half done, or covered in doodles. 

“Sorry. I, uh, I tend to do my work at home but then I forget. It just keeps on piling.” Raj apologizes quietly as he moves on to picking his nails. Bowie shakes his head and makes a hand gesture to brush him off.

“It’s fine, I think we should work on the notes before any of the assignments so the assignments make sense when we do it. I also suggest having two folders or getting one of the folders with multiple mini-folders inside, it helps keep things organized.” Bowie speaks softly, in a comforting sense as he sorts through papers. 

Raj feels guilty that he’s not helping so he begins to sort the notes while Bowie sorts the assignments. “Yeah, that uh- uhm, that sounds like a good idea.” Raj mumbles, flicking his eyes up now and then.

Once the papers are all sorted to Bowie’s standards, they have forty minutes left. “So, which one of these do you have the most trouble with? I don’t think we have to do it in order if you don’t want to.” He asks, looking at the assignments.

Raj shrugs, “I struggle a lot with the assignments after the second test. So, module four and after?” He becomes embarrassed, module four was 2 months ago and he’s still stuck on it— they’re on module seven now. He expects Bowie to laugh at him, or side-eye him, or anything. Instead, Bowie just nods and slants his eyebrows, “Oh god, I hated module four. I think Mrs. Gagnon went through it way too fast and we didn’t do enough practice problems.” He smiles and grabs everything from module four.

Bowie goes through the notes calmly and elaborates a lot. He draws examples in his own notebook and tapes them into Raj’s note sheets. Bowie seems to read Raj well because Raj would be confused but wouldn’t say anything— or maybe Raj is just obvious. 

By the time the class is finished, they’ve finished the entire module four notes and the first note page of module five. The teacher announces that there are only three minutes left in class and that everyone should start packing up. Raj hastily starts putting things away— putting notes in one pack and the assignments in the other, a thing that Bowie suggested.

“Hey uh, thank you for helping me, eh. I know this probably isn’t how you wanna spend your study hall, but uh, thanks.” Raj utters as they start walking to the door and Bowie flashes him a smile.

“Of course.”

Raj is in his second last class and he enjoys this class. It’s a history class with some weird name, but they’re basically just learning about Russia. He’s working on a project with Wayne who is decidedly not doing what he should be, unintentionally making Raj research by himself. Although Raj doesn’t mind, it’s easier to keep track of what to do.

“Where were you during study hall, dude? I didn’t see you anywhere!” Wayne spoke sadly and confused. Raj shrugged even though he knew the answer, his resting smile falling.

“I uh, I have to have a stupid tutor. Because of chemistry, it’s so stupid.” Raj mutters upset, clicking his keypad and waiting for the site to load. Wayne hums and sighs, now upset too, because whenever the other is sad, they’re both sad. Raj doesn’t get why Wayne can’t help him, Wayne has a B (Raj knows exactly why, he’s tried getting help from Wayne, but it obviously doesn’t work, he just wants to complain).

“That sucks, eh. Is it a teacher tutoring you?” Wayne asks, drawing down shapes before erasing them quickly and then putting new shapes in their place.

Raj huffs, “No, I wish. Someone else is tutoring me, someone on the student council. Ya’know that Bowie dude?” He says, putting his head down in between his arms seemingly giving up on research, this conversation was more important. Wayne nods as he grabs Raj’s Chromebook from under his arms and takes over research duty.

“Ohh, yes. He’s that one gay guy, right?” Wayne vaguely looks at Raj before looking back at his Chromebook, struggling to find a good source.

“Mhm. He actually helped me more than Mrs. G. It’s really embarrassing though, I feel dumb next to him.” He whines, turning his head into his arms and covering his face. Wayne laughs.

“Brighten up, Rajie,” he smiles, patting his back, “You’re good at a lot of things.” He speaks confidently.

“Oh yeah? Like what?” Raj mumbles, dejectedly.

“Like, you’re really good at hockey. You’re also really good at building Minecraft houses. Oh! You’re also good at playing pranks on people.” He rambles on, putting his fingers up but counting wrong.

Raj laughs, moving his head to look at Wayne. “I don’t think people find my pranks funny.” Wayne chuckles, thinking back at the dude they pulled a prank on who had to go to the hospital.

“That doesn’t mean you’re not good at pranks! I think you’re very good at them, despite that. You’re also really nice, basically everyone is your friend!” Raj sits up at that comment, shaking his head with a smile, also Raj knows that it isn’t that true.

“Wayne, that isn’t something I’m good at, that’s just something I am, eh.” He says, tapping his finger on the table.

“Well, then you’re good at being you.” and Raj smiles at that.

“Thank you, I’d hope so.”

Raj enters his home, the front door creaking obnoxiously. He sees his mother’s car outside but she may be sleeping so he’s quiet. He takes his shoes off, walks upstairs to his room, drops his bags off, and jumps onto his bed. 

He lays down and turns on his TV to put something on before he hears his mother calling him. He groans out of annoyance, he just got home. He leaves his bed and walks to his mother’s room which is the room fully down the hall. Her room has a bunch of photos that Raj and his older brother drew when they were children. 

He opens the door, his mother lying down with a book in her hand before putting it down and sitting up, “Raj sit down, please.” She asks, gesturing to the end of the bed. Raj sits down nervously, usually his mom does this if there’s bad news or if he’s in trouble.

“What’s going on?” His voice cracks, giving away that he’s hiding something. His mom sighs.

“I got a call from the school today— a tutor. I’m upset that you let your grades slip that bad, Rajie. You’ve never done that bad in your academic classes.” His mother speaks with such great disappointment, almost the same level as when his brother dropped out of college. 

Raj fidgets nervously, about to speak but his mother does it before him. “I’m not mad that you have a tutor or anything, that’s fine. I just wish you asked for help on your assignments before you were threatened to be kicked off your hockey team.” Raj has the urge to correct her by saying technically, I wasn’t threatened. It was a warning before I was threatened. He decides against it and holds his tongue. 

“I hope you take this tutor thing seriously, Raj. I want you to go to college.” She speaks in such a delicate manner, usually, she’d be very upset with him and use a stern tone. Raj isn’t stupid, he knows that his mom only wants the best for him. She wasn’t able to attend college because she was a teen mother, and her mother wasn’t able to, and her mother. His father went to college though, but it doesn’t matter now. After his brother dropped out, she’s been relying on Raj to attend college for real.

Raj sighs, “I am. He’s very nice, and he’s helping me way better than Mrs. G.” He tells her but he knows she doesn’t believe him. She shakes his head, “Don’t rely on him to give you the answers, you do know you have to do the work by yourself, right?” To which Raj rolls his eyes. He isn’t a child. He knows this. He sort of wishes his mom would stop talking to him as if he’s something Bowie has to carry on him. A burden, of sorts.

“Do not roll your eyes at me,” Her voice starts to turn stern, almost yelling at him, “I just want you to be aware that Bowie isn’t like Wayne and—” In the middle of her lecture, Raj interrupts her.

“ Bowie? I didn’t tell you his name. Why, uh, how do you know?” He asks, his voice becoming upset and strained. She sighs, fully sitting up.

“I’ve been talking to your principal today, we had a lengthy conversation. He told me about Bowie and how much of a good role model he is, you should be more like him.” She looks away from Raj, vaguely knowing that what she said was harsh.

“But I’m not like him, I don’t find all that school stuff interesting like he does.” He mumbles.

“Maybe you should surround yourself with people like him, people who are talented and motivated.” She suggests, and she seems to truly believe it.

Raj scoffs, offended. “I like my friends, there is nothing wrong with them. I don’t need people like Bowie, it’d make me feel bad.”

“Maybe it should make you feel bad, it could motivate you to try better.” She speaks, her voice laced with judgment. 

“ Better? I’m perfectly fine, just because I’m failing one class doesn’t mean my whole entire education will be messed up.” He doesn’t believe these words, all day his friends have been telling him that he’s smart and he’s good at other things that are not chemistry, but now his mom is telling him the complete opposite.

“Just because you’re only failing one class doesn’t mean you’re doing well. You have mostly C’s and B’s.” She rolls her eyes at him, making it obvious she hasn’t been happy or proud of him in a while.

“I have an A!” He tries, 

“Yeah, in Culinary. Raj, that’s cooking. You’re literally told what to do, you hardly have to think for yourself! I taught you how to cook anyway.”

“What? Were your grades better in high school?” He ridicules her as well, which makes her more angry, and he feels bad but after she talks it goes away.

“Yes, Raj. They were. I was a straight-A student, clearly, those genetics didn’t pass.” She glares at him, ruthlessly insulting him. It’s clear what genetics did pass to Raj— he has her ruthlessness. “I don’t get it! Your father and I were so successful, yet my children turned out like.. This!” She gestures, dramatically.

“Like what? You didn’t even go to college! Why do you care about me so much!” He yells, getting off the bed and standing up.

“I didn’t go to college because of you guys! I’m sorry I was pregnant with your brother!” She yells back, her eyes watering.

“That’s not my fault! You shouldn’t care so much about me!” He cries out.

“I’m sorry that I’m looking out for you, Rajesh!” Her voice cracks as she’s yelling, hands slightly shaking.

“I don’t care! Just because you didn’t go to college because you got pregnant doesn’t mean you should put all of this on me!” He argues back at her.

“You are just like your father.” She speaks, her voice is laced with disgust, and looks away.

Raj makes a loud noise of anger, “Maybe that’s a good thing.” He says as he walks out the door and slams it. He can hear his mother's sounds of sadness through the door but he continues walking to the front door and leaves after he puts his shoes on.

He walks through the cold sidewalks of Canada, the snow crunching under his shoes. He sniffles, both from the cold and the guilt. He comes across an empty playground near his house and he goes to the swings, brushing the snow off and sitting down. He idly swings slightly, bored knowing he left his phone at home.

He hears snow crunching behind him, before he can turn around the voice speaks. 

“It’s kinda cold outside, why are you on the swings?” A familiar voice asks, moving the the right of him, brushing off the snow, and sitting down. It’s Bowie, he’s wearing a purple puffy jacket and some grey pants. 

Raj sniffs, quickly rubbing his face, “I dunno, just wanted to go for a walk I guess.” His voice is nasally, almost telling on himself for being weak. He doesn’t want someone he barely knows, someone better than him, to know he’s crying.

“Mmmm, when it’s this cold? You look sad, are you alright?” Bowie’s voice has a strange, comforting tone. If it was anyone else, maybe except Wayne, he wouldn’t have said anything, but Bowie has such a comforting aura, he makes Raj want to do anything he says, and it’s odd. It’s also scary, in a way.

Raj sighs, “It’s nothing serious, I guess. I just got into an argument with my mom.” He idly plays with his jacket’s sleeve. 

Bowie hums, understandingly, “That’s rough. What was it about?” 

Raj doesn’t really wanna tell him that the argument was kinda about him, that’d be weird, but he also doesn’t wanna lie, “Grades, I guess.” 

Bowie is quiet for a few moments, “Oh, but she does know they’re getting better?” He asks, Raj shrugs.

“She doesn’t want my grades to be ‘passing’ I guess, she wants A’s. I only have one, but I’m passing every other class besides chemistry.” He kicks the snow in the air.

“I could help you with other stuff, what classes do you have?” Bowie suggests but Raj sighs, he also wants to fix Raj, in a way. Even if it isn’t his intent, it makes Raj a little upset, for Bowie to also view him as a mess to clean up.

“It’s not your issue to handle, though. You shouldn’t have to deal with it.” He speaks in a despondent tone, moving from his sleeves to watching the snow melt on his pants.

Bowie shrugs, “It’s not an issue, I wouldn’t mind. Unless it’s math, you’re on your own for that one.” He laughs lightheartedly. Raj smiles, he likes knowing that Bowie also has struggles with subjects like him, it makes him feel more down to earth with him.

“I dunno. I have B’s in like, English, gym, and my social studies classes. I have C’s in most of my electives and stuff.” He shrugs. Bowie nods.

“B’s aren’t bad. I have a few B’s.” He smiles, and Raj smiles back.

“We focus on chemistry for now, eh.” Raj starts swinging afterward.

Raj slouches in his seat, he is currently in chemistry. It is going slow. So slow. He never noticed that Bowie was in his chemistry class, he usually only talks to his one sort-of-friend who shares the class with him, some dude named Rick. Unfortunately, Rick isn’t here today. The knowledge that Bowie is in his class makes it hard for him to avoid looking at him, it’s even harder when he sits a few seats to the right of him, but he was almost caught peeping and now the fear of looking like a creep is making him keep eye contact with the ground.

It’s work time, but Raj is so bored he doesn’t want to do his work, and he knows he should, but his brain tells him it’s not important. He taps his pencil on his desk while spacing out but he’s snapped back into life when he hears a chair next to him screech. He panics thinking it’s a teacher getting ready to sternly talk to him, but it is not.

“Shouldn’t you be doing your work?” He sees Bowie ask, leaning on his elbow and placing his head on his hand. Something inside of Raj lights up, and he isn’t sure what it is, but it makes him nervous and jittery. 

He gets a good look at Bowie’s outfit, he’s wearing a white crop top, some blue low-rise jeans, and a pink jacket. He realizes he forgot to answer but Bowie cuts him off before he can respond, “Are you too busy checking me out to answer?”

Raj panics, because, no he’s not. Definitely. Hopefully. “Oh, no no. I, uh, sorry. I wasn’t I was just, uh spacing out—” He stammers out but Bowie shushes him by faintly putting his finger on Raj’s lips.

“Okay, chill out, I was just joking, don’t worry.” He laughs but it doesn’t feel mocking and Raj finds himself laughing too, his face nervous.

“Okay, sorry. Sorry. I meant to do my work but I got distracted.” Raj sounds ashamed, drawing circles on the table to avoid looking Bowie in the eyes.

Bowie hums, “Well, let’s work on it then.” He says in a motivated tone, grabbing the worksheet that the teacher passed out. “Do you know how to do any of this?” Bowie asks and Raj shrugs.

“I keep forgetting the difference between a gas and a liquid, and I keep drawing them wrong!” He complains, gesturing to the paper where Mrs. G had written in red pen What do gasses and liquids look like? As if it helps.

Bowie nods before grabbing Raj’s pencil and doodling two drawings, a gas bubble and a close-up of a gas bubble. “In the gas bubble,” Bowie starts, making lines in between each bubble to show the distance in one of his pens, “they are more spaced out.” 

Bowie then draws another doodle but it's a glass of water and then a close-up of the water. “In liquid,” He does the same thing, but the distance is shorter, “the distance is far shorter. It’s harder to see on the assignment because it’s in black and white, but that’s the physical difference.” 

Bowie smiles in a way that makes Raj's stomach twist and turn, “Oh, mm, thank you.” Raj mumbles, writing it in on his assignment. Throughout the rest of the class period, they did their work together as Bowie kept drawing mini examples for Raj.

The bell rang and they began packing up, “What class do you have next?” Bowie asks him as they walk out together. 

“I have culinary! It’s one of my favorite classes, and the only class I do well in.” Raj grins as Bowie walks with him to said class. Bowie nods, smiling with him.

“Ohh, my friend Emma is in that class. She also likes it but she says the directions are confusing sometimes.” Raj nods in acknowledgment and tells Bowie that they sometimes are but all you have to do is ask for clarification, and that it’s pretty easy because it’s easy to cook.

“What class do you have?” Raj decides it’s his turn to ask questions as they approach the culinary door. 

“Oh, it’s advanced algebra.” He grins, leaning against the wall so they can talk a little longer.

“That’s on the other side of the school, why did you walk all this way? Not that I don’t appreciate it, of course, just— curious.” He says nervously.

Bowie laughs in the same way that makes Raj feel lightheaded and it’s driving him crazy. “Because I wanted to talk to you more, obviously.” He states as if it’s common knowledge, lightheartedly rolling his eyes, “But, I guess I do have to get going. Bye, Raj.” Bowie departs, giving him a finger wave, and Raj, too excitedly, waves back.

He stands in the lunch line with Wayne, currently, Wayne is complaining about how his engineering teacher argued with him for no reason but Raj just knows there is a reason. The line is taking longer than usual, meaning the lunch ladies will probably later today.

“Ugh, I’m so hungry,” Raj says, shifting from leg to leg. People keep bumping into his back and it’s annoying him.

“Yeah, ohh I heard they’re giving out those little slushie things today.” Wayne smiles, instantly excited and no longer upset about his engineering teacher, “Oh, I forgot to ask, how is the tutor thing going, eh?” Wayne adds on.

Raj groans, “Don’t say it so loud! It’s so embarrassing,” he frowns and so does Wayne and he mutters a sorry, “but, it’s going fine. Apparently, he’s in my chemistry class anyway, so he helped me today and we talked for a while. He’s cool.”

He hears shuffling behind him, “Are you talking about me?” He hears a familiar voice, and he turns around and apparently, the person who has been bumping into him is Bowie. Raj laughs nervously and smiles, rubbing his wrist.

“Yeah! I was tellin’ Wayne about you.” Raj speaks with a large smile. Wayne decides it would be a good time to say that Raj talks about him on text too, and embarrassment fills his face, and he looks down at his plate.

“Does he? I do tend to make an impact on people.” Bowie jokes around in a false egotistical manner, motioning to Wayne that the line is moving.

Wayne laughs, “Oh, forsure, forsure.” He waves Bowie off in a joking manner, turning around and walking with the line making Raj stumble forward because he wasn’t paying attention to anything but the Styrofoam shedding off his tray.

Raj clears his throat after a few moments, “Uh, yeah. I was tellin’ Wayne about how you’re a better teacher than Mrs. G.” He awkwardly smiles at Bowie before turning back around in embarrassment. Raj doesn’t understand why he’s so nervous around Bowie, it makes no sense. He’s never been this nervous with anyone before, he thought he didn’t have these feelings anymore.

Bowie chuckles, “Oh, yeah. I think she just has a different way of teaching.” He tries, making an effort to recognize Mrs. G’s effort.

Raj speaks before he can think, “Yeah, not at all.” He says with a smirk that Bowie cannot see before realizing what he said, “Oh, that was mean, sorry— sorry.” He stammers, unsure if Bowie would think he’s an asshole or if he would understand that it was just a joke.

To his relief, he heard Bowie agree after laughing, “No, you’re kinda right. I was just trying to give her the benefit of the doubt.” He shrugs, grabbing food he will not eat so the lunch ladies won't yell at him.

They talk for a while as they make their way through the line until they’ve put in their ID information and are now standing off to the side near the wall. Wayne had walked off to find a seat for him and Raj and so, fortunately, they were alone. 

They chat for a little bit before Bowie notices Wayne trying to get Raj's attention, “Your friend wants you.” He smiles, and Raj thanks him and gets ready to walk away. Bowie grabs Raj’s shoulder gently and abruptly says, “You know, you should message me more. And, not only about homework or whatever, you’re fun to be around.” This sets some form of weird fireworks off in his stomach and he feels his body betray him and fluster up, embarrassed he attempts to hide his face by pretending to move his hair, it’s awkward.

“Oh- yeah, of course, haha. I will.” He stammers out, feeling like everyone can hear him, and he can now hear Wayne yelling his name, “Seems like you have to go.” Bowie grins and waves bye.

“Bye Bowie!” Raj yells as Bowie heads to a different room with his lunch, waving a little too enthusiastically. After Bowie is almost completely out of the room, he walks to Wayne trying to hide the massive smile on his face, and all he can think about is one thing.

He thinks I’m fun to be around?

For most of Raj’s life, he stuck to Wayne like a leech. Or, maybe a parasite is a better word. He’d mimic and act the way he did, he’d thrive off of Wayne, he’d infest every and all things he did. Before he met Wayne, kids didn’t really like Raj, they called him weird, dumb, or energetic. Too much. A handful. In hindsight, he could see why and it shouldn’t have affected him so much. When he met Wayne, kids liked Wayne and people wanted to be his friend, that was one of the first things Raj noticed. He let Wayne lead his life, desperately and pathetically. It worked out, people still like him, even though he feels like a shadow of Wayne. 

Sometimes, Raj feels like he can’t live without Wayne but Wayne could live without him, he has so many more friends than him, it’s quite pitiful. As the years came by, Wayne got more busy with other people and it made Raj horrified. He was beyond terrified that the only person who cared about him would possibly care more about someone else, and you could call it anything. Codependent. Separation Anxiety. Attachment issues. Obsessive. It doesn’t matter, Raj felt comfortable sticking like puddy to Wayne, and Wayne was content with it. 

So, from that day on, it wasn’t just Raj or just Wayne anymore, it was Wayne & Raj, and Raj being second was important because people saw Wayne before they saw Raj, and it doesn’t matter as long as Wayne is still his best friend. Whatever Wayne did, Raj did. Wherever Wayne went, so did Raj. When Wayne started going to clubs, so did Raj. When Wayne started dating girls, so did Raj. He followed everything Wayne did because everything would go so well for Wayne, so it had to go well for Raj.

Tutoring is one of the very few things that Raj does without Wayne, it feels exposing. Especially since tutoring isn’t a very cool thing, people will think he’s stupid. He hates getting help and he hates feeling weak, it isn’t a masculinity problem or anything, it’s just that Wayne isn’t weak and if Raj is weak then that’s something people can differentiate them with. 

When Raj walked into tutoring, he expected to hate everything about it, the place, the day, the tutee, literally everything. Yet, life seems to point him in the strangest directions, because instead of moping around in the library like he and Bowie do every time he gets tutored, they’re in Bowie’s room with Bowie sitting next to him on his bed with some YouTube video playing in the background.

There is something so comforting about Bowie, and his room as well. A different type of comfort, different than Wayne entirely, and the thought would typically scare him but it’s welcoming. Bowie makes Raj feel wanted. When he’s in Bowie’s room on Bowie’s expensive sheets with the delightful scent of the candles, and the background noise mixed with Bowie’s voice, it feels safe. He liked how Bowie’s room was laid out, it was so organized, so organically him. There was a large vanity table that had a large array of jewelry, and on the other side of it was makeup brush holders. It was slightly messy, some lipstick and brushes being left out, it was evidence that Bowie had used makeup today. His jewelry display was a little discombobulated, some bracelets were falling off and necklaces were slightly tangled up and some earrings were mismatched. It was proof that he was human, wasn’t perfect, it was calming.

Whenever Bowie would ask him a question, he’d look directly into his eyes and it made Raj nervous in a weird way, his eyes would divert, flicker around but they’d always come back to him. They were close together, some people would say a little too close but they were fine with it. Raj had an array of chemistry assignments on top of a folder leaning against his knees that were bent up while Bowie had his neat binder out with finished and graded assignments.

Raj’s eyes briefly looked at his phone and he realized that they had been studying for a little over two hours and he groaned which made Bowie stop mid-sentence, “We’ve been doing this for two hours, I’m boreeeed.” He drew out the ‘e’ and slowly fell on the other side of the bed, all sprawled out dramatically. Bowie giggled at the scene and Raj winced because it made his stomach feel weird, but it made him automatically smile. Bowie was addicting. 

“Do you want to stop for the night? I feel like we got a lot done, we can do something else.” Bowie spoke, lying down next to him, also sprawled out. Raj takes a little to think before shrugging, “I don’t know, what do you wanna do?” He asks, turning his head and noticing that Bowie had changed his sprawled-out position into laying on his side with his hands under his head, and immediately after he came to the realization that he was looking at him while he was thinking, unaware. He feels himself getting hot and he turns his head back and the ceiling abruptly.

Bowie hums, “Wanna watch a movie? I have some snacks I can bring up here.” His gaze still lays on Raj’s face, and even if Raj isn’t looking at him, he can feel it. It’s like it’s burning him, causing him to heat up and he doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. 

His voice cracks, “Uh, yeah sure.” He looks completely away from Bowie’s direction, looking at the door. Unfortunately, that means he sees Bowie walking out of the bedroom, waving bye to him with his fingers as he leaves. 

Okay, maybe he does know what is wrong with him.

Raj has been in sports since middle school and was unofficially on the soccer team during elementary school (basically, a group of boys playing soccer with almost no rules), so he’s aware of his attraction toward men. He’s not stupid though, he’s simultaneously aware of how wrong it is. He’s heard it all the time, from people at school, relatives, friends, it goes on. Clearly, he avoided and ignored the feelings, hoping they’d go away in a matter of time.

It felt like that was the case, he hadn’t developed a real crush on a boy since seventh grade. He tried making boys look disgusting to him, he’d think of any and all reasons to dislike them if he even felt a slight attraction to them. It was okay, he was fine with it, and he was sure it was working. He hadn’t crushed on a girl quite yet, but not crushing on a boy was the first step. 

Progress, he called it progress. He was fixing what was wrong with him. It’s his dirty secret, and the only secret he hasn’t told anyone, not even Wayne. Especially not Wayne. He doesn’t think Wayne would hate him or anything, Wayne isn’t like that, but he’s afraid of Wayne being embarrassed of him. They’re raised in fuckass Alberta, the scum of Canada, he’s heard stuff his friends say about gay kids at the school. 

Being around Bowie is dangerous, he hates how he feels around him. It’s a nostalgic feeling, something he locked away for years, something he hasn’t felt since he was a kid. It was horrifying. He can’t avoid Bowie, he’s his tutor. He frowns thinking about it; Bowie is so much better than him. He’s everything Raj is and more, he’s better at the stuff that Raj is only good at— sports, for example. Bowie is really good at basketball, and Raj is just good at hockey.

He circles back to the tutor thoughts, about how he can’t get away from him. He thinks a little longer, could he? Surely, he could talk to the counselor, say it isn’t working, that he would prefer a new tutor or something. While he was thinking of ways to escape Bowie with dread filling his stomach, the man in question walked in.

“Heyy! I got some snacks.” Bowie smiles, shaking two popcorn bowls and two 12oz soda bottles in between his arms. Raj smiles, grabbing the bowl and soda.

Guilt fills his stomach.

He sits at the lunch table with some of Wayne’s friends, unfortunately, Wayne is running late to lunch to do a missing test. Raj has to struggle to survive without Wayne. He decides to be quiet and just listen, he makes an effort to be attentive to make sure they don’t think Raj is an asshole who only likes Wayne (it is true) but not too attentive that it’s weird. Raj thinks there are too many dumb rules for social situations; Make eye contact, but not too long, make sure you’re listening but also respond accordingly (when is it “accordingly”?), be socially aware but be yourself, and be nice even if you don’t like or know them.

He lets out a quiet sigh, looking away from them to pick at his food. He nearly jumps out of his seat when he feels someone tapping his back, and he (a little too fast) turns around, scared that they asked him a question he didn’t hear. To his luck and dismay, it’s Bowie. He smiles despite himself and waves.

“Hi, Bowie!” He says a little too excited but if Bowie finds it weird, he doesn’t show it. Raj is reminded of the socially aware part of the social rules and he notices that the table is looking at him and he feels vulnerable. 

“Hey, Raj! I just wanted to give your stuff back, you left it at my house last night.” Bowie speaks with such kindness and it’s so different than how he hears Bowie talking to other people, the thought makes him happy. Bowie is handing him Raj’s chemistry folder that he realized he kicked off of Bowie’s bed when he was being dramatic and he smiles sheepishly.

“Ah, thank you, sorry.” He apologizes, grabbing his folder and putting it on the table. Bowie gestures with his hand, brushing him off.

“No, it’s fine. I don’t care.” Bowie seems to be aware of the table staring at him and his face shifts to a slight scowl, “Well, I’ll see you later, bye Raj!” Bowie waves as he walks away from him and it’s instinct at this point to say it louder and more enthusiastically. 

He turns back around and they give him a weird look, he shifts uncomfortably in his seat. No one speaks for a few moments but one of them, he thinks Anthony is his name, clears his throat.

“You’re friends with that weird gay kid?” He speaks judgmentally, and his friends snicker and nod along. Raj flushed with embarrassment and shrugs. He hates this, this is just more proof that he shouldn’t ever come out. Not that he wanted to anyway. Disgust fills his soul.

“Well, yeah. Bowie is uh, he’s cool, y’know.” He speaks quietly, almost ashamed but he can't find it in his body to truly be ashamed to be Bowie’s friend, again, he’s so much better than he is. Another one of them laughs quite loudly, it’s aggravating. He’s unsure of this dude's name.

“That’s crazy, I can’t believe you even said that. He dresses like a lesbian, it’s gross.” He laughs at his own joke as his friends laugh along, some adding their own mini comments, usually making fun of how he dresses and the way he talks. One of the boys, he’s on the basketball team but he doesn’t know his name, maybe it’s Jakob, adds on.

“I’m on the basketball team, right? He makes us look like a joke. Like, everyone is dressed appropriately, and he dresses like he’s from fucking L.A. It’s embarrassing, honestly.” Jakob(?) speaks with such disgust that it’s laced in his tone and facial expressions. Raj feels shame build up in his stomach. “Like, great job on letting everyone know you’re a complete fag, like.” He chuckles at his own comment as his friends agree. 

Raj is quiet and the boys find it amusing, “Look, I guess you can hang out with whoever, even that thing, ” Raj furrows his brow at the dehumanization of Bowie, “but just don’t let it turn you into a priss. I mean, you’re not gay, right?” Jakob says, but his tone changes from confident to slightly quizzical. He pauses, looking at Raj’s face, “You’re not gay, are you?” He repeats, this time it’s a question instead of a mockery. A bunch of small comments go around the table, usually along the lines of imagining he’s gay, that’d be so funny.  

Raj is almost too embarrassed to speak, but he knows that if he doesn’t speak, they’ll assume he’s gay. He shakes his head but the snickers let him know that he should use words, “No. I’m not gay.” He says plainly, but it doesn’t sound all convincing. His voice is shaky and his eyes aren’t meeting theirs. 

Jakob laughs at him, “No, no. Look at me. In the eyes.” Raj feels like a dog, he looks at him in the eyes. “Are you gay?” He asks with smugness, resting his hand on his hand. Raj clenches his fist under the table.

“I’m not gay.” He says, in his eyes. It’s a phrase that he’s been muttering in his head for years, it was manifesting. He’s never said it out loud. 

And yet, they still laugh in his face. 

He leaves the cafeteria.

He sits next to Wayne in English, everyone’s talking to one another but Raj is quiet while Wayne talks to one of his friends, they’re from the lunch table. He pretends to work on his assignment but he can’t really focus, as much as he wants to, he can't. He writes an answer and erases, doodles, writes, erases, doodles, and it repeats. He can’t really comprehend the questions on the paper and it makes him feel stupid. He wishes Bowie was here, Bowie would help him. Explain it differently. Relate to his confusion. 

He draws some stars on his paper, some random shapes, and then he draws stick figures of Wayne and him. Then, stick figures of Bowie and him that he quickly erases and draws over with harsh pencil strokes. He feels more guilt pooling into his stomach, Bowie wouldn’t be ashamed of him. Bowie walked up to him , Raj could hardly speak to him in front of anyone who wasn’t Wayne without feeling horrible.

He doesn’t deserve that kind of treatment, he feels like an asshole. Maybe he is. He doesn’t want to get on Bowie’s bad side, he has seen how Bowie talks when he’s angry, and he doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of it. Raj scribbles dark kaleidoscope-like figures, he frowns thinking about how Bowie would feel knowing Raj associates with these people. 

He finds some calm in knowing Wayne doesn’t feel the same way they do, he’s seen it and heard it. Wayne will talk to Raj about stupid shit they say, and it makes Raj happy knowing Wayne doesn’t hate gay people. He doesn’t know what he’d do if Wayne did. He quickly wonders how Wayne would react if Raj came out, would Wayne think it’s weird? Would it be different since Raj is practically attached to him? Would Wayne think he has a crush on him? 

He hears the teacher dismiss the class, Raj walks out of the classroom without Wayne. He didn’t want to deal with the other dude that Wayne was talking to. Raj makes a pit stop at his locker, standing there looking for something that’s buried under his array of items. He feels someone tap his shoulder and he turns around, it’s Wayne.

“Dude, you left without me!” He cries out but it’s not serious, Raj smiles and shrugs, telling him it was because he looked busy. Wayne laughed at that, “Nah, Derrick isn’t that important, don’t worry.” He says, it looks like he has more to say but he stops. 

“I’m glad, I am, of course, the most important to you.” Raj jokes with him, elbowing him. Wayne awkwardly laughs before clearing his throat.

“Uh, Raj, I got a question,” Wayne says, and Raj wants to say well, you already did but it gets stuck in his throat, the anxiety building up. Raj mumbles what is it and Wayne smiles but it feels pitiful in a way. “Are you uh- and I don’t care if you are, I uh- I support- but are you, uh, gay?” Wayne awkwardly stammers out, trying to not offend Raj but he frowns. 

Raj sighs, “I’m not gay, Wayne.” He sounds defeated, and tired. He can’t believe they told Wayne he was gay. He feels anger and shame build up, “Why?” He asks, but he already knows why. He just has to hear it.

Wayne shrugs, “Okay, uh good.” he says, walking in front of Raj, who is deflating when Wayne says ‘good’. Raj wants to believe that Wayne just said that because he didn’t know what else to say, but he feels sick of some sort. Is it good that he isn’t gay? Before he can have this crisis any longer, Wayne answers his other question, “Some of my friends told me you were, that you told them during lunch.”

Raj lets out a loud noise of anger, “They’re calling me gay because I’m friends with Bowie.” He crosses his arms and walks when Wayne starts walking, “It’s stupid. I was just defending Bowie, and they were calling him these names.” Wayne scoffs, looking upset too.

“Bowie is cool, though. What did they say about him?” Wayne asks, now curious. Raj shrugs even though he’s going to answer anyway, he sighs.

“They were talking about how he’s making the basketball team look like a joke, and that he dresses dumb. Things like that.” He leaves out the f-word part, he doesn’t really wanna talk about it. Wayne goes on a tangent about how they’re really stupid sometimes and how they don’t get it. Raj smiles, he wonders if Wayne would defend him like this.

Raj gets home, it's quiet. He hasn’t really talked to his mom since their argument which was nearly two months ago. It's kind of sad. He’s stubborn, and so is his mother, the first one to fold is the loser. He goes to his room straight away and falls on his bed. He burrows himself under his blankets, enjoying the silence. The shame hasn’t gone away from lunch, and now that he’s home, he wonders what his mom would think. His mom doesn’t talk about politics (it makes him sick to think that he is considered ‘political’, even to his own mother) very often, so it’s a guessing game. 

Well, not really. He doesn’t have to worry about it. He’ll hide it until he finds a girl that is good enough, someone he can maybe love a little. His biggest fear growing up was not spending his life with someone at all, simply because his parents divorced, but now his reality is growing up and spending it with someone he won’t love. He won’t marry the love of his life, he’ll marry a girl that he can love a little, a girl that his mom also approves of. He feels a sense of melancholy take over his body, being aware that his life will be filled with no love.

He has to go through one more year, one more year of Bowie. After high school, he won't have to worry about him. Bowie will marry someone who is proud of themself, someone who will give him the affection he deserves. Raj will marry some pretty girl from whatever college he goes to, he will have the nuclear family that he should have, it is simply nature's plan. The thought fills him with disdain, but life’s a bitch. It would be selfish if he came out, he’d make his family and Wayne laughable, he also wouldn’t know how to continue hockey, he’d make the hockey team look ridiculous. 

Raj turns on his side and faces all of his hockey belongings, he loves hockey, if he came out, what would they do? He’s been in the locker room with the same people for years, would they think he’s a creep? Would they be aggressive on the rink? It makes him nauseous to think about, so he thinks about Bowie. Bowie does sports, are they aggressive with him? Do they use sports as an easy way to hurt him? Do they try to harass him into quitting? How does he do it? 

He wishes he could be as proud as Bowie, he looks so happy. How does he do it? Raj smiles, though. He thinks about Bowie, about how he plays, about how confident he is. It’s admirable, he’s so cool. The way he talks to people, the borderline smug attitude, it’s addicting.

Bowie is like a drug, it’s wrong but he can’t stop being addicted to him.

The chatter on the rink before practice starts is lively. Raj is talking to Wayne about something his chemistry teacher said that irritated him. “Oh speaking of, how are you doing with the whole tutor thing? Is Bowie helping?” Wayne whispers tutor and Raj respects the effort. He smiles and nods.

“Yeah, yeah. We’ve left the library, I’ve started hanging out at his house instead.” He’s about to go on a tangent about Bowie’s room and his cat before one of Wayne’s friends butt in, grinning. 

“Talking about that gay kid? I thought you weren't gay?” He says it loud, it makes the rink quiet down. It’s funny, it’s like saying gay is a repellent of some sort, like a really bad word. A slur. Raj awkwardly laughs.

“I’m not. I’m just talking about him because, you know, he’s my friend.” He states, attempting to sound confident, and unbothered, but it comes off as if he’s searching for approval. He diverts his eyes around, anywhere but the person in front of him and the people looking at him.

The guy scoffs, and Raj looks at Wayne for assistance but he seems to be avoiding the situation also, fiddling with some scratched ice. “Yeah, he’s your ‘friend’” He puts “friend” in quotation marks, it makes Raj’s stomach fill with an array of emotions. It was a feeling of being in kindergarten and kids talking about you with your crush, but it was mixed with disgust, because this time, it’s not normal.

He shrugs, obviously uncomfortable and wanting the conversation to end. “Well, we’re uh, we’re not like that.” He sighs, “It’s not even a big deal, just leave me alone about it.” He finally tells them, and the way they look at him like a zoo animal infuriates him. He decides to start to skate away in a different direction but they block his path, everywhere he turns, they block. 

It’s weird, he’s known these kids for most of his life. Most of these kids went to elementary school with them, and while they weren’t ever close, it’s weird for them to act like this towards him. Raj had thought, at the very least, that some feeling close to nostalgia would make them less ruthless towards him. Then again, they’re the friends of a friend, they don’t actually care about him.

“Why are you trying to leave so fast? Scared? Of what? ” One of the boys taunts him as if they know, and Raj is actually terrified that they do somehow know and that they aren’t just harassing him. Raj backs up a little as they begin to get in his face, and he hears Wayne skate over.

“Look, guys, just leave Rajie alone. It doesn’t really matter if he’s friends with Bowie, eh. Doesn’t make em’ gay.” Wayne tries to de-escalate the situation, and Raj is so grateful that Wayne is on his side, some part of him was worried that he wouldn’t be. The boys laugh at him and Wayne scowls at them.

“Look, we’re just joking around with him.” One of them tries to cover it up, pats Raj’s shoulder and punching him is a thought that flashes through his mind. Usually, he doesn’t mind being touched— hugs, half-hugs, arms brushing, whatever, it’s fine, but right now? Raj wants to punch him. Wayne sighs, shrugs.

“Yeah, I guess, but obviously Raj doesn’t like it.” Raj wants to add some snarky comment since he feels safe under Wayne’s shield, but he doesn’t, all sound dies in his throat. The coach calls for practice to start and they all make their ways into their designated positions. After a while, it is Raj’s cue to go.

Raj, still filled with anger, glides across the rink quite aggressively. Unfortunately, his teammate who was also sliding had other plans; the other player lifted his stick as if he were about to hit a puck but once Raj was in range, hit him across the face with his stick. He’s on the floor for a little while and he hears the whistle and Wayne coming up behind him. 

He acknowledges Wayne talking to him, worried, but Raj stands up and walks up to the player who hit him. His back is facing Raj, and out of a moment of anger and pent up disgust, he hits the player across the face and a few times on the back with his stick.

It’s deja vu. 

The hum of the fluorescent lights made him restless in his seat, leaning from one arm to another and shaking one leg and the other. This time, it isn’t about some stupid failing grade, no. Raj is being threatened with suspension. Indefinite suspension. He holds an ice pack to his face and tries to focus on the cold instead of the judgemental look from his principal, who is currently on the phone with his mom. Or, was. He coughs after putting the phone down.

“She’s on her way.” Raj feels like crying, it isn’t his fault. They have been mocking him for a few days and the other dude hit him first, it’s not fair. “I’m extremely upset with you, Raj. I hope you know we don’t tolerate any kind of bullying or physical violence at all. Even in sports.” His voice is low and he sinks lower in his seat.

The principal assumes the lack of response from Raj is him not caring, so he starts talking again. “We’re thinking about kicking you off the hockey team.” Thats when Raj sits up, alarmed and distraught.

“You can’t do that.” His voice cracks. He loves hockey, it’s one of the main reasons he comes to school. He shakes his leg more furiously, not out of anger, but to limit the shakiness in his whole body. The principal lets out a breath and shrugs and shakes his head.

“I told you Raj, we do not tolerate any of this. You deserve repercussions.” He tells him, talking to Raj as if he beat someone up. All he did was hit a guy a few times with a hockey stick, it’s not that bad. Raj puts the ice pack down, sniffling.

“That’s not fair. I only hit him because he hit me first! He has been harassing me for a few days now!” He argues and his voice cracks significantly more. He can’t imagine what his life would be like without hockey, he wants to do hockey after school. The principal, once again, shakes his head.

“Well, Raj, if it is true and he was bothering you, it is your fault for not telling an adult sooner.” He rests his head on his hands and half smiles at him, as if he enjoys seeing Raj upset, “But, either way, it’s a classic he said-she said situation. I’ve talked to Eric, he told me that you were upset about a joke he and his friend made earlier that was dropped after you told them to. I’ve gotten confirmation from all of them.” Raj balls his fist up, obviously they wouldn’t be truthful. Obviously , he would have more “witnesses”.’

His principal is quiet for a few minutes as Raj tries to not cry, but then he finally speaks up. “Well, I’ve decided on something. A week-long out-of-school suspension along with an indefinite suspension from hockey.” Raj opens his mouth to argue but his principal keeps talking and talking and talking that he decides to just leave.

He gets out of the seat and leaves the office, even though he can hear him calling his name back. Raj puts the ice pack on some random table, not having the energy to bring it to the nurses office and heads to his locker to grab his stuff. It’s currently in the middle of 3rd period so the halls are empty and he can try to compose himself in silence, but he hears his name on the loud speaker and it ruins any progress he had.

Now, he was crying with his head covered by his locker, anticipating his mother yelling at him for both suspension, hockey suspension, and now leaving the office without being excused. While he tries to compose himself again, he hears someone shuffle behind him.

“Heard your name on the speaker, what’s going on?” A familiar voice asks— Bowie. The voice makes him smile a little and he turns around and faces him, thats when Raj is reminded he was crying, because Bowie made a face. “Oh shit, are you alright?” He asks, concerned and Raj just shrugs.

“Could be better, I guess.” He laughs dryly and Bowie offers a comforting smile. “To answer your question, I’m getting suspended. For a week.” He wipes his face with his sleeve, and Bowie makes a noise of confusion. “I’m suspended for hitting some dude with a hockey stick during yesterday's practice, but he hit me first!” Raj’s voice raises as he slams his locker, then looking guilty when Bowie flinches, he really doesn’t want Bowie thinking he’s crazy.

“Well, I bet he deserved it, what’d he do?” Bowie asks, and Raj tries to think of a lie because if he says everything, Raj would look totally gay. But, he can’t, and he succumbs to future embarrassment. 

“He and his friends have been kind of harassing me the past few days after they saw you talking to me at lunch on Monday.” Bowie winces and goes to apologize but Raj keeps talking, “They’ve been calling me gay and been trying to set me off by talking crap about you. When I would tell them to stop, they’d treat me unseriously, like I was a joke or something.” He half smiles, fiddles with his backpack straps.

“During practice yesterday, they were, uh, getting in my face and whatnot after doing all of that stuff, but after Wayne told them to knock it off, they played it off like I was being dramatic. When we started practicing, one of them, uh Eric, hit me with his stick when I was close enough to him trying to get the puck. Obviously, I hit him back, a few times, when I stood back up.” He shrugs, trying to defend himself and hopes Bowie doesn’t think he’s crazy for hitting the dude back.

Bowie laughs, to his surprise. His laugh isn’t like theirs, his laugh eases his anxiety and it feels so genuine, it makes Raj’s chest buzz. “Sounds like he had it coming.” Bowie simply says, defending Raj as well, “You’re actually getting suspended over that ?” Bowie asks, exasperated. Raj sadly nods, his smile dropping slightly.

“Well, not only suspended but I have an indefinite hockey suspension. So, that’s great.” Raj feels a frown coming back on his face remembering that. Bowie notices Raj’s mood change and sits on the ground and pats the spot next to him, to which Raj follows, he would do anything Bowie asked him to do.

“That sucks, but I doubt they’ll keep you out forever. You’re one of their best players, definitely not replaceable.” Bowie smiles at Raj, and his smile is so contagious that no matter how sad Raj is, he will smile back even wider. Raj laughs softly and shrugs a little.

“Yeah, uh yeah. I appreciate that. I hope they let me in soon after my suspension is up.” He says, fiddling with some random piece of yarn thats on the ground. It’s quiet for a while, enjoying each other's company. He hears his name on the speaker again, this time it’s the principal speaking instead of the secretary, and Raj’s face falls and it’s anxiety ridden.

Bowie sighs and places his hand on Raj’s, and Raj feels his heart beat up and his face go from anxious to flustered. He lets out an airy laugh and tries to say something but it dies in his throat. It’s dangerous, Raj thinks. Letting himself get obviously nervous by him, it goes against everything he’s been practicing. Bowie chuckles at him, “When do you have to leave?” Bowie asks him and Raj shrugs.

“Soon. My mom is probably almost here, I should go.” Raj stands up despite wanting to stay with Bowie longer. He frowns as he starts walking but he hears Bowie walking behind him and he stops Raj from walking any further. Raj turns around and faces Bowie, and he is so close. Bowie is saying something but Raj’s mind blanks as he hears his name on the loudspeaker again. He doesn’t bother paying attention to Bowie’s words as his eyes drift down from his eyes to his lips.

Bowie is perfect, it’s a fact. Raj cannot fathom how amazing he is. He also cannot fathom how Bowie is so comfortable with being himself, with being gay. He lets people know, he’s unashamed and isn’t afraid or embarrassed to fall into stereotypes. And, best of all, he’s an athlete, a gay athlete. Just like Raj. Yet, Raj cannot help but feel like they’re several worlds apart. Bowie feels unattainable, that even if Raj came out, he could never be his because he is just too far apart from Raj, too different. Raj is inexperienced, nervous, sloppy, and embarrassing. Bowie, on the other hand, he’s experienced, proud, confident, and everything he does and says feels perfect, as if it was rehearsed.

How can Bowie be so different from Raj? How can Bowie be everything Raj is and still be proud of himself? And, if Bowie is so unafraid, why can’t Raj?

What is stopping him?

He sees his mothers car pulling into the school parking lot and he looks back at Bowie’s lips and out of a moment of recklessness for anything anymore, he leans in without any warning and kisses Bowie. He feels Bowie tense up but then lean in, holding his waist. Bowie pulls away and when he’s about to say something, Raj’s anxiety gets the best of him.

“I, uh, sorry— fuck. Bye.” Raj stutters out as he darts out of the school, not looking back.

Raj sits in his mother's car as they drive in excruciating silence. She is breathing heavily, it’s clear she’s angry. Finally, at a red light, she says something. Well, yell something.

“Suspension?!” She yells, “ Suspension?!” She repeats as if Raj can’t hear her, and Raj is quiet, wishing he was too small to be in the passenger seat. She is quiet once again but is looking at Raj every so often. Then, out of nowhere, she starts up again.

“You got suspended from both school and hockey?” She yells, gripping the steering wheel. “What got into you?!” She yells and repeats that same phrase about a billion times. When Raj wont respond, she pinches his leg.

“Ow! It’s complicated! The principal wasn’t listening to me!” His mother cuts him off and scoffs, “Well, I’m listening!” She says and waits for an answer while Raj collects his words. “These group of kids keep harassing me! They have been since Monday after they found out I’m friends with some kid they hate!” He says, breathing quick, “During practice, they kept messing with me and wouldn’t stop until Wayne told them to! Then, when we started practicing, some kid, Eric, hit me with his stick first!” Raj explains, his voice going high.

His mom doesn’t seem so pleased, “Why do they hate the kid? Why did you hit back? Are you a child? Do you need to be told ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’ or something? Why didn’t you just tell someone?” She yells at him, and Raj tries to think of the fastest answers but he doesn’t have it in him to lie.

“They don’t like him cuz’ he’s gay! I hit back because they’ve been insulting him this whole week, been insulting me, and being as— uh, annoying all week!” He catches himself before swearing, he doesn’t want the lecture. His mom is quiet and he just realized that he and his mom have never talked about being gay before, or anything involving gay.

After deafening silence, she finally responds. “What have they been saying to you?” Her voice goes from mad to indifferent, and it terrifies Raj how she skimmed over the gay part. He shakes a little, “Uh, they’ve been mostly calling me gay, uh stuff like that. Been laughing at me.” He mutters, suddenly insecure by how stupid it sounds out loud.

His mom doesn’t drive home but to a parking lot near a lake. She looks at him after she parks, “Are you?” And Raj feels his heart hurt, he doesn’t know what to say. She doesn’t show any emotion, her face is solid, he doesn’t know if she’d hate him or not, but now he’s thinking about Bowie, about the kiss— oh my god, the kiss. He doesn’t think before he speaks.

“Yes.” His face went from nervous to pure anxiety, he is no longer thinking about the kiss, he’s thinking about how disappointed his mom probably is, about how she’s going to tell everyone, about how she’s going to yell at him, what if she goes further than yelling at him? Will he never be able to talk to his mom again? Will he be kicked out? He panics internally, his leg shaking rapidly, he can’t find the words or will to speak, going through every possible scenario in his head, how he can manage in those scenarios.

His thoughts are silenced when his mom unbuckles and hugs him, pulling him close as if she’s scared he’ll be taken away. She uses one hand to rub his back and the other to rub his head, Raj feels himself calming down, the panic settling down, no longer thinking of the worst scenarios. The scent of her perfume, her hands are soft, and he doesn’t feel scared anymore but he starts to cry, he’s been so scared for so long. It feels like a burden has been lifted from his back, that he can feel a little less afraid of the world now, of himself.

“Do you like the friend they’re making fun of?” She asks, and once again Raj feels like he has to be truthful right now, about anything. She continues to rub circles in his back as he finds the time to respond.

“Yes.” He answers truthfully again, short and simple. His chest shakes with the tears that form and fall, quietly sobbing. 

“How long have you known? About being gay?” She questions, and she makes gay sound normal, unlike the way other people say it. It makes him feel normal, even just a little, no longer like an alien or someone laughable.

“Years. For so long.” He says when his tears stop momentarily and his mom nods and stops talking until he stops sobbing. She comforts him through it, and when he stops sobbing and his sadness is reduced to sniffles and a few tears, she pulls back but still faces him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” She sounds upset, a little heartbroken and it makes Raj sad again.

“I don’t know. Scared, I guess.” He mumbles out, rubbing his eyes and his mom makes a noise of sadness. She shakes her head and leans in to give him a kiss on the forehead.

“No, no. You shouldn’t have been scared. I’ll love you no matter what, Rajie. You’re my little guy, you know that, right?” She smiles but her eyes are still sad and they’re tearing up. She sniffles, and rubs his shoulder, “Nothing could make me stop loving you, you’re my son. It’s always going to be me and you against the world.”

Her words make him cry again, but this time she drives away. They go out to get snacks and then go home, where they eat in her room. It’s nostalgic, it reminds Raj of when he was a child and when his dad originally left and the wound was still open. She knew how upset Raj was— His brother was going through an angsty teen phase where he shut everyone out and hid in his room, and she was so busy. On nights that Raj would find himself crying, he’d go to his mom and they’d eat in her room, sometimes his brother would join them if he was feeling less teenager-y.

Raj would snuggle close to his mom and munch on whatever food she had while they watched a movie. When his brother would join, he’d pick the movie and sit on the other side of her. Raj finds himself in the same situation; huddled up next to his mom, eating the pizza she had bought, one box for each of them while they watched one of Raj’s favorite movies.

When the movie ended and the pizzas were closed and they were both tired, his mom left to put them away and when she came back, she sat on the side of the bed next to him. “Raj, I love you. If kids at school give you a hard time, you can always talk to me, okay?” She is sincere and loving when she says it, rubbing his leg.

“Of course, ma.” He smiles and gets up to go to bed. His mom stops him and hugs him, “Do you wanna sleep in here with me tonight? I won’t be able to for much longer.” She is referencing him turning 18 next year, and of course he’d do anything to make his mom happy.

Raj lays down on Bowie’s bed as he waits for Bowie to return from getting snacks, fidgeting with Bowie’s soft comforter and blankets. His mom had been nice enough to let Raj go out during his suspension, so clearly he headed to Bowie’s house. They haven’t properly talked about the kiss yet and Raj’s nerves are going crazy. 

It’s crazy, honestly. Raj has gone through so much to avoid his feelings for boys, he hid them as best he can but somehow, Bowie pulled them out. He thinks back to the kiss, about how it was in the halls, anyone could’ve seen it, but at that moment, it felt like it was just them two and no one else. Raj often feels that way around Bowie, he makes him feel safe and secure. 

Raj thinks about what kids at school would think now that he really is gay. Gay thoughts are one thing, they’re all in his head, so it’s not really real in that sense. But, doing something gay, especially kissing a man, it makes it real and it’s horrifying. He wouldn’t be able to deny it, it’s real. He doesn’t know whether to be upset or to feel free. But, he’s not really free.

He is torn from his thoughts when Bowie comes back into the room. He puts the bowls of chips on his nightstand and gets under the covers with Raj, and his heart soars. Bowie goes to put on a show but before he presses play on anything he puts the remote down and faces Raj, he clears his throat.

“About the kiss..” Bowie starts but Raj panicky cuts him off before he can finish anything, sitting up alert, “I’m so so sorry if you didn’t like it or anything! I should’ve totally asked for permission before it! I’m sorry about the whole thing and—” Bowie shushes Raj by kissing him, cupping his face.

It does shut him up, leaving him giggly afterwards. “What I was going to say was that the kiss was amazing. I’ve been wanting that for like, ever.” Bowie tells him, hand still on his cheek. Raj giggles, “Mmm, when? When did you know?” Raj quizzes him, jokingly squints his eyes as if he believes Bowie is lying.

“Well, I’ve always thought you were cute, but I know that when I wanted to kiss you I was on the swingset, that was like, forever ago.” He caresses his face, kissing his forehead as Raj falls into more giggles, “What about me?” Bowie asks and Raj thinks.

“That’s hard. I’ve always thought you were really pretty but I was repressing it for a while. I don’t know when but I’m pretty sure it was around the same time as that. I know I started to like you when we first met, uh,” he falls into a giggle fit, “yeah, around that or maybe when you found me in the lunch line.” He shrugs, and when Bowie moves his hands away, Raj moves to put his head on Bowie’s chest instead, laying down sideways.

Bowie runs his fingers through Raj’s hair as they contently watch their show together. He notices Bowie taking photos of them together and it makes Raj anxious. “Uh, Bowie?” Bowie makes a hum of acknowledgement, “I don’t— uh, I want it to be a secret for now. Just for now. If that’s okay with you.” He mumbles nervously, biting his lip. Bowie hums again and he can feel him nod. 

“Of course, we can tell people when you’re comfortable and ready. Does anyone know?” Bowie asks, braiding Raj’s hair. Raj nods, “Only my mom. I'm planning on telling Wayne soon, I just, uh I don’t know how.” He mutters, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of Bowie’s thin fingers prodding his hair.

“There is no right or wrong way to come out to someone. Sometimes, you just do it, even if it seems awkward. I came out to my parents but outwardly told them, and it was awkward but now they knew.” He told him, Raj can feel his voice vibrate in his chest. Raj nods, and mumbles some words of agreement and goes back to watching the show.

“Can I see the photos you took?” Raj asks, his voice quiet which is a strange contrast to how loud his voice usually is. Bowie smiles and opens his phone and gives him it. He looks at the photos, and in all but one, Raj isn’t paying attention. His chest bubbles up and he giggles, it means that Bowie still thinks and acknowledges him when Raj isn’t talking to him. He thought he was pretty enough to take photos of— without posing. He looks at them more and Bowie looks so pretty in them, in some photos you can see his whole face but in others you can’t see past the tip of his nose, but his lips are pretty so it’s fine. 

His lips remind him of the kiss and now he wants another one but he doesn’t know how to ask. He gives the phone back and decides not to say anything, shuffling around nervously. Bowie notices his sudden movement, “What’s wrong?” Raj shrugs and he tries not to let his nervousness show but he giggles, unable to form words.

Raj lays his head fully down on his chest and looks up at him, his eyes darting from his eyes to his lips. Bowie seems to get the memo and moves Raj to a position that he can kiss him comfortably in. Raj wraps his arms around Bowie’s neck while Bowie puts a hand on his waist and another on his face. 

Raj kisses Bowie as if he’s been starving, he’s needed this for long, he thinks. He can’t believe he wasn’t going to allow himself this, allow himself to be held and kissed, all because the giver would be a man. He can’t believe he was going to find a way to escape Bowie all because of some kids he won't see after high school. Anything that happens after he comes out will be worth it because he knows he can see Bowie at the end of the day.

Wayne is talking to Raj about some recent stuff that’s been going on at school since he’s been gone, and it’s only been four days. Apparently, Wayne’s friends have started to spread the gay rumors to the whole school and Raj bites his tongue when he wants to say it’s not rumors. Wayne ends his spiel by dramatically falling on the bed next to Raj.

“Dude, school is so lame without you. Can you get unsuspended faster?” Wayne whines and Raj laughs at him, “God, I wish. It’s boring, I’m not gonna lie.” Raj lies down fully and it sends Wayne into a rant about how unfair it is that Raj got punished and not Eric or anyone else. Raj just listens, fidgeting with his sleeve.

“I mean, like, they kept bothering you! I stuck up for you to the principal and he brushed me off! I talked to the coach about it, though, he said he'll probably keep you suspended from hockey for only about a week after you get back.” Wayne smiles and this news makes Raj ecstatic.

“Wait, actually?” He raises his voice, excited and sits up. Wayne sits up with him, “Yeah! I kinda had to beg him but he said that’d be the maximum amount of time most likely!” Wayne kicks his legs in excitement too. It’s funny, they both feed off of each other’s excitement and joy, and it’s the same if they’re sad. It’s like they feel the same emotions at the same time, if Wayne is frowning and sad, Raj immediately gets as sad as he is.

“It’s dumb, though. I don’t know why they think you’re gay.” Wayne backtracks to the previous conversation, and Raj looks up at the ceiling trying to avoid any eye contact, it feels like he’s lying to Wayne. Well, he kind of is. Guilt pools in his stomach and it swirls in a way that makes him nauseous, he really wished people would stop bringing up the gay thing. He wishes he wasn’t so embarrassed about the gay thing.

“Yeah, I guess.” Raj mutters out, his mind blanking on anything else to say. He doesn’t want to get defensive or anything, that’d be more embarrassing. “Yeah!” Wayne agrees with him but then he clears his throat quietly, “But, uh, Rajie, you do know that if you ever were uh, you know, gay, that I’d be totally okay with it, right?” Wayne attempts to be as un-awkward as he can but it fails.

Internally, Raj is panicking because this has to mean that Wayne knows. It’s not like he thinks Wayne wouldn’t be supportive or anything, but it’s still nerve wracking and he doesn’t know if he wants to come out, but is now a better time than ever? Will he ever have a more convenient time? 

He lets out an airy laugh, “Thanks Wayne, I uh, I appreciate it.” He decides to bite his tongue on coming out. He looks at Wayne in his peripheral vision and sees Wayne deflate a little, it confuses him. He decides not to say anything about it, wanting the whole entire gay thing to be over. He doesn’t really understand why he didn’t say anything, he should’ve, it would’ve made the actual coming out conversation easier.

They sit in silence for a few moments before Wayne sits up and Raj follows suit, waiting for Wayne to do something (this seems to be a recurring theme with Raj). Wayne grabs two controllers, “Wanna play some COD?” He smirks and Raj obviously agrees, even if he isn’t a huge fan of COD. It makes him upset because he isn’t good at fighting games at all.

“I bet I can get more kills then you.” Wayne tells him, cocky.

“Nuh uh.”

When Wayne said rumors spread about him being gay, he thought it was just friends of Wayne’s friends. Unfortunately, whenever he has something going for him, he gets bit in the ass three times harder. When he got off suspension, he came back to school and people were looking at him like an alien. At first, he didn’t connect the dots but after he met Wayne at his locker, he got reminded of it.

“Yeah, when I said rumors were going around, I meant it.” Wayne says trying to avoid blame, his voice sounds guilty though. Raj sighs defeatedly, “This is so dumb, but I bet it’ll go away in a few days.” Raj tries to be positive, but he doesn’t really believe it because now everyone will think he’s that one gay kid and he hasn’t even come out yet.

He doesn’t know whether he should be upset that people know he's gay before he said anything or if he should be happy that people will be less shocked when it does eventually come out. It kind of sucks, everyone already knows, he really wanted to come out on his own terms and even if he hasn’t officially came out, it feels like someone stripped it from him.

Raj decides to trudge to first period already in a sour mood and it’s only eight in the morning and the loud, bright classroom for his math class didn’t really help. Usually, he is glad he has math first because he doesn’t have to worry about it later but right now, he really rather not do advanced algebra so early with such bright lights that start to give him a headache and people are side-eyeing him.

Raj sits down in his unassigned assigned seat, the teacher has assigned seats earlier in the year but after a few weeks people had moved and she wasn’t able to move all of them so now the seats are unassigned assigned seats and Raj is okay with it. He’s in the second row, he has a pretty good view of the whiteboard and he has people on each side of him which helps if he wants to go on his phone, but he wishes he was alone because they’re looking at him weird as he sits down.

He attempts to ignore it and listen to the teacher but all the eyes on him, or the eyes he thinks are on him, drive him insane and he puts his head down hoping that it gives off the feeling that he isn’t even there. He hasn’t hated math this much in a while, he can’t stand it. He wishes Bowie was in here but he takes a different math class, it makes him jealous and also proud of how smart he is. Jealous because Raj is aware of how much better he is than him but also proud because someone that talented and smart likes him.

The thought makes him smile and almost kick his feet, but he knows better for once. He decides to continue thinking about Bowie because it distracts him from his current situation. He thinks of resting his head on Bowie, he thinks of Bowie’s hand on his waist and how it fits so perfectly. He wishes he was at Bowie’s house again and in a room of his scented candles, his soft comforters and blankets, silk sheets, laying right next to him with his cat on him. His stomach twists, he wonders if Bowie ever got out of the being-absolutely-disgusted-with-yourself stage of being gay or if its a permanent part of him, a neverending reminder of how he’s going against nature for his own selfish reasons.

Would it be insensitive to ask? He feels bad, Bowie is so confident in himself and proud to be him but Raj is just a pussy about it, he couldn’t even tell Wayne who gave him a clear opening to. He wonders how Bowie would feel if he knew all of Raj’s insecurities, if Bowie would still want to be around him knowing he can’t even think of Bowie without feeling guilty; would Bowie hate him? Raj has known that he’s gay for so long, and yet, it took him until junior year to admit it, or to allow it for himself. After he got suspended from school.

It’s like being trapped behind a wall that goes on forever but there’s a door and you have a key to open it. Is he scared of what happens outside of the door? Is he scared of leaving what he has been born in, is comfortable with? Or is he stalling, waiting for someone, anyone else to help him? He truly thinks he will never be okay with himself, I mean, how could he? How could he be okay knowing that he is a political issue? That people want him dead? 

Raj is lost in his anxiety ridden thoughts when he hears his phone vibrate on his leg. He discreetly pulls out his phone and sees who messaged him, he smiles.

BOW: Wayne told me you’re upset about the rumors going around :( 

Do you want to eat lunch with me in the student council room?

No one will be there, so you don’t have to worry about it.

Unless you want Wayne in there.

yes i would like that!!!

of course, if u don’t have anything impotrant to do :))

BOW: I wouldn’t have asked if I did.

I’m pretty sure I’d drop anything for you anyways.

AWWW thank you omkg teahcr comng bye

Raj quickly puts his phone away after hearing the teacher's footsteps, she taps his head and tells him to look up at the board and walks off. He doesn’t, his face is too red and he is smiling too much like an idiot to show his face.

Bowie wants to eat lunch with him!

Before Raj could go to the student council room, he had to make his way to the lunch room to actually grab lunch. He debated not eating but his stomach hurt and grumbled and he decided he’d do anything for the oddly hard school pizza. He stands in line, hoping no one he doesn’t want to see sees him. The line moves excruciatingly slowly, he is pretty sure he is losing his mind.

He finally gets to the salad bar but that’s when someone taps his shoulder. He sighs, his peace has been ruined. “Hey, Raj.” It’s someone from the hockey team. Of course it is. He hums as a response, not really wanting to converse. The dude grunts in annoyance but continues, “So, I heard from some people that you’re actually gay, is that forreal?” He asks, having a shit eating grin on his face. He sounds genuine but it’s obvious he isn't.

“No, it isn’t.” He says, making his tone rough and rude to try to get him away but he doesn’t, he just laughs at Raj’s discontent. “Oh, sure. That’s why everyone is saying it. Uh, just an FYI, we don’t want you back on the hockey team.” He tells him, as if that would ever stop Raj from returning to hockey. He doesn’t care about their feelings at all, but he still asks.

“Why is that? Scared I’m gonna beat your ass?” Raj snaps at him, he really isn’t in the mood to mess around with anyone today. He hardly ever gets aggressive off ice, but right now, he wishes he had the hockey stick in his hand. The wish grows stronger after he laughs in his face, Raj grabs an apple he wont eat and squeezes it.

“No one is scared of your faggot ass.” He pokes his arm and it takes all of Raj’s will to not hit him in his stupid face. “It’s just weird for someone like you to play with all of us. I mean, how do we know you don’t have a gross crush on anyone?” He spits out, his face going from smug to disgusted. He sides eyes Raj as if Raj does have a crush on him.

He scoffs, “Are you being for real? If I was gay, I would at least have standards.” He makes sure to add the if , he doesn’t want to accidentally out himself. He finally gets to where he puts his id information and is finally able to go, but the guy stops him. His face is serious and hateful, it makes Raj’s skin crawl but he keeps his face unbothered.

“Look, if I see that you join the team again, I’ll beat your ass.” He threatens, getting in his face, “If you really want to play sports, go play basketball with your twink boyfriend, alright?” His face changes, now cocky, he gets out of Raj’s face. He starts to walk away but Raj’s mouth opens before he can think.

“Bold of you to assume that you scare me.” He tells him, cocky too. Raj wants to avoid any conflict, but currently, he is pissing him off. The guy walks back up to him and pushes him.

“Oh, yeah? You want to prove that you’re tougher than me?” He taunts, pushing Raj again and almost dropping his tray. Raj rolls his eyes and tries to walk away but the guy pulls his arm back to him and he actually does drop his tray. Before Raj can complain, the guy talks again. He really never stops talking.

“You can’t just run away, pussy.” He kicks his tray across the floor and now people are staring. There is a slight height difference between the two, the guys being a few inches taller than him makes Raj feel uncomfortable, but not in a way that makes him think he can’t beat his ass, but it just feels uncomfortable being looked down upon.

“I don’t want to do anything.” Raj tells him and attempts to walk away but the guy has a grip on his wrist and wont let him leave. He laughs at Raj, and he knows that all he’s trying to do is taunt him, but it doesn’t make him less mad.

“Let me go, dude.” Raj tries to pull away without hurting his wrist.

“Make me.” He guy looks directly in his eyes, “Faggot.”

Raj kicks him directly in the nuts.

Raj got off easy this time, thankfully. The lunch room monitor let him go without sending him to the office because she saw the other guy holding his wrist and not letting him go. Unfortunately, the guy had no repercussions either and now Raj is walking to the student council room hungry and mad.

He opens the door and Bowie smiles, it is completely empty, not even a teacher. Bowie’s smile makes Raj smile even wider as he almost runs to sit next to him. Bowie noticed Raj’s lack of food and gave him some of his.

“Where is your food? I thought you went to the lunch room.” Bowie asked him and Raj sighs, explaining the whole fiasco with the guy and how his lunch is now gone. He stops speaking with a thank you and proceeds to fuck up the food that Bowie gave him like a rabid animal. It should be unflattering, really, but Bowie laughs at it and holds one of Raj’s hands under the table. 

It’s the calm Raj needed today. Just him and Bowie, being free to be himself after trying to hide it all day (well, years, but it was especially hard today). Raj notices how soft Bowie’s hands are and he knows that Bowie uses some weird lotion he can’t remember the name of. It’s funny trying to deny that he’s in love with Bowie to people, because he knows so many useless facts about Bowie. He knows that Bowie’s favorite color is purple, he knows that Bowie’s cat used to be named Miles before he found out she was a girl, he knows that Bowie likes the taste of mint toothpaste.

Raj wonders if Bowie knows any random, useless facts about him? If Bowie tried denying feelings for him? Or was Bowie completely okay with it, not scared to fall for a possibly straight guy? He wonders if Bowie used to stay up at night like Raj and pray that something will make him normal again, or if Bowie was okay with it? He sighs, these thoughts are a little too much right now. He hesitatingly leans his head against Bowie’s shoulder, trying to put less pressure on Bowie in case Bowie doesn’t want Raj on him.

Thankfully, Bowie hums constantly and continues to eat his food while scrolling through his phone. Raj closes his eyes, very happy with the atmosphere. He lies like that for a few minutes until he hears Bowie speak, his voice quiet and soft.

“How has today been? Besides, you know, the lunch thing.” He lets out an airy laugh when he ends the sentence and Raj laughs with him. Raj hums for a little before speaking.

“It’s been okay. Nothing much happened. Too many stares, though.” Raj mumbles, “It’s weird, though. It feels like I already came out.” He sits up after that and cracks his back, frowning. He feels bad, he feels like he just ruined the mood. “Sorry, uh, if that kinda ruined the mood.” He adds quietly. Bowie shakes his head, and laughs, meeting his quiet tone.

“No, no, you didn’t. It’s a weird situation. I wouldn’t know what to do if I was in your shoes either, I’m sorry.” Bowie wraps an arm around him nonchalantly and Raj wishes he was like Bowie— he’s so much more prepared and experienced than him, it’s pitiful really. Nonetheless, he loves when Bowie touches him and leans against him as Bowie’s hand moves up to his hair, playing with it.

The only word Raj can use to describe being around Bowie is all right. Everything is all right, he feels shielded and protected from anything. He knows anyone could hypothetically walk through that door and catch Raj and his big secret being actually true, but he can’t be worried whenever Bowie is near him. Bowie could save him from drowning by simply being near him because Raj is practically stuck to him.

“This will probably all blow over though, so don’t worry too much.” Bowie reassures him, “I would know, I have to remind them about school events almost every hour of the day.” He laughs and of course, Raj laughs too. Raj knows that he is definitely one of those people, last year he had ask student council members around 10 times a week when certain events were, including homecoming (and he only found out this year that his school does it on the same day and month every year), and he assumes he was a bit of a nuisance.

“That’s true, hopefully by the end of the week people won't care as much.” Raj mutters out, closing his eyes and focusing on Bowie’s fingers in his air. All Bowie responds with is a hum for acknowledgement as they fall into comfortable silence again.

Finally, the coach has allowed him to rejoin hockey. It was a little over two weeks of waiting but his excitement walking to practice with Wayne had replaced any frustration he had before. Most people have forgotten entirely about the gay rumors after the week Raj came back from suspension, so his spirits were pretty bright, and he was totally ready to bomb this practice.

Although, he was a little bit early because he wanted to get there before many others did so he would blend in better. He walks into the locker room with Wayne and they open their lockers and grab their stuff to change, unfortunately, there were some people already there and giving them, mostly Raj, side eyes. Despite that, he tries to ignore them and goes to change but is unfortunately stopped by some of his teammates. 

“Uhh, what’re you doing here?” One of them asks, an irritated look on his face. Raj sighs, he kind of expected this, but it’s too early in practice for this to happen. 

“Coach unsuspended me, I’m back.” He states and tries to continue walking but he & some other people walk with him, and he doesn’t want to change while they’re ridiculing him so he stops walking and turns to look at them, “What?” He asks, snapping at them.

“We don’t want you here. It’s weird.” Someone else tells him, their face is disgusted, and Raj realizes he gets a lot of that these days. He frowns as they talk again, “Keep your gay shit out of here, especially in the locker room. We don’t trust you.” They try to look threatening and unfortunately, it’s kind of working. He can hear Wayne nervously shuffling.

“Look, guys, if Rajie is gay, it doesn’t mean he automatically likes any of us!” Wayne tries to reason with them, and it makes Raj smile that at least someone here is trying to help him, although he wonders if Wayne would be upset that he defended him and Raj is actually gay anyways.

“ If? Whatever. Our point stands. And if he doesn’t leave, we’ll make him regret it.” One of them tells Wayne, who is currently messing with something on his phone. Wayne rolls his eyes and scoffs, Raj resists the urge to laugh at the threat. It feels so cliche he thinks, but then again, he wonders if they mean they’ll physically hurt him or not and now he no longer thinks it’s funny.

“He shouldn’t have to stop playing hockey all because you guys have your egos too inflated.” Wayne snaps at them, finally having enough of their shit. Raj mumbles on some words similar to his but they’re too quiet for anyone to really understand.

Their teammates roll their eyes, “Come on, are you not even slightly uncomfortable with a gay man in the locker rooms?” He asks Wayne, and Raj is instantly uncomfortable. Yeah, he’s gay, but he has never looked at Wayne any other way but his best friend, and people suggesting otherwise makes him want to vomit and also punch them. All Wayne does is scoff and roll his eyes.

“No, because he isn’t gay.” Wayne tells them and Raj can feel the anxiety in his whole body, along with a feeling of some guilt. He feels bad because what if when Raj does come out, Wayne does get uncomfortable? Would Wayne be uncomfortable with Raj? Will he be embarrassed of him? He shifts nervously on his legs, really wishing he was somewhere else right now.

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.” The guy rolls his eyes, “It’s obvious he is, he got all pissy when we made jokes about his gay ass boyfriend.” Raj feels himself getting more and more pissed off, he doesn’t understand how Bowie can maintain his composure.

“Which is it?” Raj asks, his tone callus, “Bowie is my boyfriend? Or I have a boner over you guys? You have to stick to one storyline, I’m losing the plot.” Raj spats, his voice kind of shaky, balling his fists up. He isn’t planning on punching them, but it’s extremely hard to not hit that stupid look off their faces, which is weird because he has never thought about punching his teammates until these past couple of months.

Their smiles fall, “You think you’re so funny?” One of them asks tauntingly, and Raj wishes they would stop, because it makes him cringe. It’s hard to take these guys seriously, they’re in hockey gear and it makes them look funny from an outside perspective, and Raj has to bite back a laugh.

“Just let us get changed, man.” Wayne tells them, clearly tired and annoyed by this whole conversation and tries to walk away but they don’t seem to be done with them yet when they step in front of them. They laugh at Wayne, it’s humiliating but neither of them know how to escape this situation.

“No, no. You guys can’t go through, at least not him.” One of them tells them, and Raj hates being talked to like a child. The way they look down at him makes him furious because there is no way he will quit hockey because some assholes are insecure.

“I don’t know what you’re expecting.” Raj simply says, “I’m not going anywhere. If it makes you that uncomfortable, I could change in the stall or something, but I’m not quitting hockey because you guys think I’m attracted to you.” He crosses his arms, finding the confidence to finally stop his voice from shaking like a pussy. “You can’t force me to leave either, so let me go and change.” 

They laugh at him when he tries walking past them and push him back, making Raj slightly lose balance but he doesn’t fall. They whisper stuff to each other before finally speaking loud enough for them to hear.

“Look, if you don’t leave, I’ll beat your ass.” One of them says, and Raj instantly thinks that he can take him in a fight but then he is reminded that his friends would also fight him, and he thinks he cannot take more than one person in a fight. But, Raj doesn’t believe they’re serious, almost no one at his school fights and he doubts they’ll fight him for being gay if the basketball team didn’t fight Bowie for being gay. They push him again, and he is reminded of his habit of thinking before speaking.

“So what if I’m gay? That shouldn’t even bother you. What should bother you is that we have a game in a few weeks and we kind of suck. Let me fucking go through.” Raj yells at them before realizing he just came out. By accident. He keeps his head forward, he can’t deal with looking at Wayne. He tries to keep his composure as his breathing speeds up and his heart pounds, but it’s hard, because now his secret is real.

He can hear them whispering about him, and he can hear Wayne shuffling behind him. Raj thinks this is the worst day of his life, he didn’t want anyone to know yet, not just yet. He tries to focus on the people in front of him, but it’s hard.

They laugh at him and their voices kinda blend together, he can’t make out what they’re saying except for one person, “So you admit it? You’re fucking gay?” His voice changes, it isn’t just empty threats anymore with a shit eating grin, he seems genuinely pissed as he gets in Raj’s face, “Does your friend here know that you’re a faggot? I’d be disgusted with—” The guy gets interrupted.

He got interrupted because Wayne punched him in the face.

They wait for the principal to enter the office, because of course they got in trouble over it. After Wayne punched the dude, they started hitting back but it didn’t go on for long because the coach had heard the commotion and they all got write ups and notes to see the principal. Raj is nervously shifting in his seat, he and Wayne haven’t talked about Raj being gay yet, they haven’t had the chance yet.

The hum from the blinding fluorescent lights makes him nauseous, he wishes he could start the conversation but he doesn’t know if he ever wants to talk about it. He doesn’t want to hear the disappointment in Wayne’s voice just yet, or the potential anger, or embarrassment. He can’t and he doesn’t want to, he needs someone to force him to talk. He needs someone to put their hands on him and play him like a puppet because he doesn’t think he can stand it.

He wishes he could escape from the brutal silence that falls between the two of them, he shakes his leg trying to escape the nausea that pools into his stomach. He feels like he might have a panic attack, but he can’t, definitely not right here. Wayne is the first one to speak, his voice is comforting and quiet, a contrast to the yelling he was doing in the locker room.

“Don’t worry about getting in trouble,” He starts, smiling and looking at Raj, but Raj doesn’t look back because he thinks he’ll puke if he has to look at him, “I recorded the whole thing after they started bothering us. So, now we have proof of them being assholes and I doubt we’ll get in trouble.” He tries to reassure him, but Raj wasn’t even thinking about the repercussions from fighting.

He wonders what Bowie would think if he knew that Raj had gotten into another fight— would he think he’s violent? Unstable? Would he not like him anymore? He gets increasingly more anxious, too anxious that he can’t even respond to Wayne. It makes him feel bad but he doesn’t think he can get a word out without tearing up, and he hates feeling like such a child. Wayne shifts uncomfortably in his seat and sighs, and Raj can sense the anxiety in his voice. 

“Are you actually gay?” He asks, it isn’t accusatory or anything but it makes Raj afraid that he’ll make fun of him too, but he thinks it’s too late to lie about it anymore. There’s no way he can keep lying about it to Wayne. Raj hums nervously and nods.

“Uh, yeah.” He whispers, hoping Wayne won't ask him to speak up, but it’s too quiet in the room to ask him to speak up anyway. Raj nervously bites his lip and tries to swallow the lump in his throat and he briefly wonders if Bowie was this over dramatic about coming out, especially to someone that he has known for years. It’s quiet for a little bit but Wayne lets out a sound that’s similar to a laugh but not quite and Raj can see in his peripheral vision that he’s smiling.

“That’s okay. I hope you know that it’s okay. Were you afraid of telling me?” Wayne asks, his voice now concerned. Raj doesn’t know why he was so unwilling to tell Wayne, it’s not like Wayne has ever made it evident that he doesn’t like the gay community or anything, but his brain is just stupid. Raj shrugs and sighs, smiling too, because now he knows Wayne is upset, or embarrassed, or anything. It’s freeing, he wonders if this is what Bowie feels.

“I don’t know, eh. I was just worried, I think.” He mutters, and anxiously fidgets with his sleeves. It sounds stupid to say out loud and he feels embarrassed.

“You shouldn’t have been worried. You’re my best bud and nothings going to change that!” His voice rises as he speaks and he pulls Raj in for an uncomfortable but loving hug and it eases all of Raj’s nerves as he tries to hug back but in his current position, it’s hard.

Their hug is interrupted by the door opening and the principal walking in, his shoes clanking on the ground in an annoying way.  Raj and Wayne both sit up straight, both visibly nervous and Wayne’s reassuring attitude before is now gone. The principal clears his throat as he turns his computer on.

“I’m disappointed in you boys, especially in you Raj. This is unacceptable behavior, it will not be tolerated, and—” In the middle of the lecture, Wayne interrupts him by waving his phone in the air.

“Uh, Mr, uh, I actually have a video of our teammates instigating us and calling Raj offensive things.” His voice becomes more confident as he speaks, more motivated to make sure they won't get in trouble. The principal grunts in response and leans over to grab the phone and watches the video. It’s a long video and the room is filled with an awkward silence as he watches it. When the video ends, he hands the video back and doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, but the decides to speak while leaning back and clasping his hands together.

“Well, this doesn’t excuse you using physical violence,” He starts and their faces fall, disappointed and angry, but Wayne seems more angry then Raj somehow, “but, they won’t get away with the hateful comments they made either. Bigotry is not accepted in the school and I will make sure they’re aware of it.” He reassures them, and that makes them feels better knowing that they will be punished.

“Uh, what is our punishment exactly?” Wayne asks, nervous for the answer. Raj got suspended last time and they’re both scared that it’ll be a stricter, harsher punishment. Fortunately, the principal half smiles.

“Well, it’s not the worst but not ideal. You two have after school detention for next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Usually, I’d be stricter, but I feel bad that I didn’t catch this sooner, but I still have to punish you guys for physical violence.” He explains, and while they rather not go to detention, it’s far better than being suspended. 

They’re able to leave a little bit later, walking out of the principal’s office in a relatively good mood. This is the first time in a really long time that Raj was able to leave the principal’s office without wanting to smash his head into a wall, so that put a pep in his step. Wayne was just happy he wasn’t suspended, making jokes about it as they walked out of the school and waited for their parents to pick them up.

They fell into a comfortable silence for a little bit before Wayne started talking in a more serious tone, “Ya know Rajie, thank you for telling me.” He tells him, smiling to himself, but the words make Raj confused entirely, because why was Wayne thanking him? He waited so long to say it and being gay isn’t typically a celebratory thing either. 

Wayne notices his confused expression and continues, “I know it wasn’t, uh, ideal, but I still appreciate you telling me. I support you one hundred percent— uh, no, one hundred and ten percent!” He gleefully exclaims, throwing an arm around Raj’s neck and pulling him closer to him roughly but it’s okay because Raj is used to Wayne’s purehearted roughness. 

“Of course I’d tell you! You’re my best friend!” Raj copies his tone and also throws an arm around Wayne’s neck.

It’s weird, Raj thinks. His life has changed so much in the past few months and he’s not used to it. He was nervously getting ready for a date, and he hasn’t been on an official date before, and his nerves are practically ruining his mind right now and it isn’t the typical before-date jitters, because that’s for straight people, and he’s not straight, and he’s going on a not straight date. He itches his arm, nervous of what people may think about him. 

He’s also nervous of what Bowie will think of him. Raj had never really thought about his outfit choices too hard before but now he’s sweating over it because Bowie will be here in fifteen minutes and he doesn’t know colors, or how to match, or what material looks good with what, and he’s totally lost. Bowie is so good at this stuff, he always looks so good, and it’s not fair. Anything he wears makes Raj go a little bit crazy, it’s insane how Bowie makes him feel and it’s so effortless too.

He searches through his wardrobe until his room is a total disaster and he thinks being casual is the best way to go because, one, he won't look like a tryhard and two, he doesn’t have any fancy clothes anyways. After a while and eight minutes left, he puts on a light blue shirt that has faded text on it, worn out jeans, a gray jacket, and his usual converse. He looks at himself and decides he hates it but then he realizes he has limited time left and there’s no more time to panic. He spritzes on some cologne that Bowie had picked out for him not too long ago and he’s about to go brush his teeth but he comes to the realization that he should get Bowie a gift but he didn’t have enough time to.

He panics, thinking of something that Bowie likes and he thinks of Bowie’s jewelry and his collection of bracelets that Raj sees when he looks at Bowie’s makeup desk. He looks in his desk for something that Bowie might like, but he doesn’t have a lot of jewelry, and he feels miserable knowing that he didn’t get something for Bowie, even after all Bowie had done for him. He scans his room one last time before leaving but something catches his eye— it’s a crystal bracelet that he had bought months ago after going to a shop and feeling the need to buy something. He forgot why he bought something like that, but it’s a green crystal that he can’t remember the name of and he thinks it’s perfect for Bowie. He grabs the bracelet and quickly brushes his teeth in time for Bowie to ring his doorbell.

He practically runs down the stairs, knowing no one will answer it anyways because his mom is at work and he doesn’t want Bowie to think he’s taking too long to answer. He almost runs into the door as he opens it and he gets to see what Bowie’s wearing and it sends him reeling. Bowie is so effortlessly gorgeous is Raj’s first thought. Bowie isn’t wearing anything too special, but he still looks amazing; he’s wearing a muted purple collared shirt that’s slightly unbuttoned, showing off his collarbones, that’s tucked into some black pants that’s paired with a fancy belt. He’s also wearing some sunglasses, and he changed his earrings and bracelets to match his outfit. The bracelets on his arm reminds him of the crystal bracelet he has in his hands.

“Uh- Hi!” He starts, nervously and giggly, “Uh, I have this for you, I know it doesn’t really match your outfit right now but uh, I thought you might like it! I’m sorry if crystals aren’t your thing but—” He rambles on and on, something he usually does around Bowie, but he shushes him with his finger.

“Shhh, I love it. It’s perfect! Thank you, gorgeous.” Bowie has such a smooth tone, it drives Raj crazy, the names he calls Raj makes his face go red, just like now. Raj giggles, mumbling incoherent words and leaves the house to prevent anymore chilly mid-spring air from leaking into his home. Bowie holds Raj’s hand for the short walk to his car, caressing his hand with his thumb comfortingly. Bowie opens the car door for Raj and they sit in it, enjoying the warmth, and then Raj realizes he has no idea what they’re doing today.

“Uhh, where are we going?” He asks, his leg bouncing in excitement and he smiles like an idiot. Bowie finds him adorable because he chuckles at him, putting his hand on his thigh as he starts the car. The touch makes Raj freeze up and abrupt into small, quiet giggles.

“There’s this little cafe I want to take you to, they sell a lot of pastries which sounds like your kind of preference since you enjoy all the sweets I bake.” He tells him as he starts driving, and Raj gets even more excited, he doesn’t really go to any other places except for the same 3 places he goes to with Wayne, and they’re not really something special. Raj nervously hums before speaking, afraid his voice may break whatever tranquility they have.

“Uh, Bowie?” He starts and then continues when Bowie lets out a noise of acknowledgement, “Thank you for uh, being so understanding and supportive of me these past few months. I really appreciate the slow pace. And uh, yeah, thank you.” He airy laughs out the last part, fidgeting with the ring on Bowie’s finger.

“Of course, I wouldn’t want to rush you into anything.” Bowie tells him, but it isn’t condescending, it’s affirmative and Raj appreciates the way Bowie talks to him. Bowie makes him feel like he belongs with him, like they’re on the same wavelength, the same planet. Raj doesn’t know how to explain to Bowie about how much he has helped him, he doesn’t know if there’s the words to use. It’s fascinating, they’re so different (or well, at least Raj thinks so), and yet they click so well together.

It was overwhelming at first, being with Bowie. He has so many more experiences than Raj, so many more people to compete with. Raj isn’t the best pick, he’s no one's ideal man, if someone had said they had a crush on him, their friends would probably respond with Really? He has a pathetic excuse of a dating history, nothing more than a few month long relationship with some girl back in 6th grade. But Bowie, he has stories and years of experience under his arms, and it’s not like he’s a player, he’s just so irresistible, that’s the best way to explain it. When he first started dating Bowie, he was struggling with competing with all of his past lovers, but as time went on, Bowie had built up his confidence. 

Well, he still gets insanely nervous and giggly around Bowie, and he doesn’t know when that’ll wear off. He came to the conclusion that he’s so captivated by Bowie because this is his first time letting himself experience these emotions. He had kept them locked away for so long, behind a cold, brick wall, that he never had the chance to know what it’s like to truly be in love. It was irrepressible at first, it made him want to explode whenever he was near him, he didn’t know how to handle these feelings, but Bowie had allowed him to move at his own pace without any pressure or annoyance. Bowie is so patient with him, it’s unbelievable. 

He was terrified to even act on any of his thoughts, it kept him up at night, restless. He would panic over the smallest things, hesitate to hold Bowie’s hand, and would be up at night if he slept in the same bed as him. Bowie had worked patiently on helping Raj overcome his internalized judgment and fear, told him that everything is okay, and would rub his back if he needed it. It was secure, he felt the safest whenever he was with Bowie, like nothing could ever hurt them.

“We’re here!” Bowie smiles, parking. Raj smiles back, his face nervous and his body jittery, getting out of the car with Bowie and going by his side. Bowie extends his hand out for Raj to grab it.

Raj takes a deep breath, and after years of shame, disgust, and self deprecation, he’s finally ready. He grabs his hand and pulls Bowie in for a kiss, something he’s been starved of for years. And it’s freeing.