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She hated him, Kana hated him sometimes with every fiber of her being. The way he casually puts her off, his short sentences, his stupid snide comments that were all too blunt. Aqua was something that seemed so close to her, yet farther out of her own reach than she wanted to ever imagine. But, Kana also knew hate was something very close to love. She hated him but loved him in every way.
But she hated that other girl much more, Akane, for making her feel like this. Making her more confused than ever, trying to draw the line with what exactly she wanted. Her childhood rival becoming something important to someone she cherished was the last thing she expected. It only added to the rivalry between the both of them. To Kana, her rival seemed like a perfect fit for Aqua and what he wanted. But she can never wrap her head around it; what does he want? Does he like her? See her only as a coworker and nothing more? The questions gnaw on her mind, begging and hoping for an answer that would never come. What makes matters worse is that Kana doesn’t even know what she wants.
But what does she want anyway? What does she even want in life, out of her friendship with Aqua? Out of her acting career and newly founded idol life? Kana doesn’t know and it seems like she will either never figure it out, or it will be too late in her life once she gets the answer. She hated these days when her head would fill with what if’s and what could’ve been’s, endless scenarios dotting back to her days of child acting to even the day before. She could’ve done something different, and Kana could’ve been nicer, but she can’t change that.
No matter how much she screams, cries, or begs for things to change in her past, there was no going back. There’s no returning to her former agency, there’s no going back to saying something different from when she was a kid, that would never be possible. She’s stuck in the present, reminiscing on the past and anxiously looking towards the future.
The past always had its silver linings; it was the highlight of her actress career as far as she has been told. The genius child who could cry within ten seconds, but she can’t remember the last time she’d been praised for her work. Well, praised by someone other than her friends. Every moment she gets a new job, a new opportunity, a deep longing just to hear words of confirmation and praise digs deep within her. For just a fleeting moment, Kana wants to be noticed. Noticed for her genius work, her articulated words during her acting, her calculated body language that plays into her characters. The passion and love for acting soaks sickly through like honey dripping from a cloth. Just for a second, to feel validated and to be reminded she’s okay to exist here.
Kana can’t remember the last time her mom praised her work, the last time an agency truly recognized her for who she was. The only time when it happened was when she was a child; and god, did Kana try her hardest to be noticed, only for the job opportunities and spotlight to be ripped from her very fingers in front of her. To slowly slip away over time to never return into her life, marking itself only as a memory.
These life lessons only make her more bitter towards everything else. Towards the future and whatever is to come. To shoot down any and all ideas or concepts even before they leave her mouth or are even presented to her. Ensuring nothing would ever come close to her like that in her life, Kana’s personality became jagged and sharp, keeping others at bay, and forcing them to dislike her the very moment they meet her. On the outside, that’s all that Kana seems like; a spoiled brat with a privileged life who’s the biggest failure in the child acting scene. A let down of what could’ve been.
But, deep, deep down, that wasn’t Kana at all. In reality, she’s still that terrified little kid who noticed when others were making their way out of her life. She saw it coming a mile away when the agency was slowly letting her go, giving her fewer and fewer jobs before announcing her departure. When her mother had seemingly given up on her to return home to her husband, leaving Kana to quickly grow up on her own. During bouts of egosurfing and noticing fewer fans and eventually all of them drying out.
Kana Arima is alone; only left with her deep yearning to be something more. The silence of it all was deafening, reeling in the truth that she was in fact forgettable.
“Hey, Kana? What are ya thinking about?” A voice brings Kana out of her deep train of thought, forcing her to look back up at the other talking to her. Ruby Hoshino was the one speaking, waving her hand to get her attention.
Kana huffs, noticing she has been holding her phone this entire time. She’d been so lost in thought that it had turned off by itself already. For a moment, she had forgotten she was still hanging out with Ruby at Strawberry Production’s building. “What are you talking about?”
Ruby shrugs. “It just seems like you were really deep in your head for a moment… like, you were staring at your phone for so long too,” she tilts her head. “Did you see somethin’ that made you upset?”
“No, I didn’t see anything, and nothings wrong with me,” Kana answers, speaking the lie as if it’s the truth. “Dunno why you’d feel the need to ask me that.”
The other shifts where she’s sitting on the couch next to Kana, letting out a hum as she thinks about her next choice of words. “Hm… you sure?”
“What?”
“Are you sure? That… you’re fine,” Ruby leans a little closer to Kana, almost as if she was trying to get the real answer out of her. But she’s never one to pry into someone’s thoughts. “Has Aqua been giving you trouble or somethin’? Are you worried about–”
Kana’s eyes narrow, her stare becoming more intense as she views Ruby. “I’m fine. Quit asking me about it.” She mutters harshly. Another rude comment, telling Ruby the direct opposite of how she feels.
“Gesh, okay!” Ruby exclaims, leaning away from Kana and providing a little space between the two. “No need to snap like that, but I get it, you don’t want to talk about it,” she sulks, letting out a defeated huff as she leans against the arm of the couch. “But… I’m always here if you want to talk about anythin’ you know that, right?”
Like hell, that would be happening anytime soon. Or ever. “... Yeah,” Kana mumbles, leaning back onto the couch and staring up at the ceiling.
“I’m serious!” Ruby tells her again, tone heightening to show support. “We’re both going into the idol industry together, Mem-cho too!” She pauses again for a brief moment to look back over to Kana, noticing her staring up at the ceiling. “We are both here for you if you ever need to talk.”
For a moment, Kana thinks about telling Ruby everything. Every single detail about her life; when it was better, when she was a child, when everything felt right. A time when Kana thought it was all going to last forever and she wouldn’t have to worry about a single thing. Her fears, how she felt about Aqua; every, single, thing. But she couldn’t, she could only utter one statement to her friend.
“... I’m scared ,” the answer happened to be so quiet and muted, almost like Kana didn’t want Ruby to hear it. The statement slipped out so absentmindedly that Kana didn’t even realize she said that. She hoped she wouldn’t hear a response.
“I didn’t hear you, I’m sorry,” Ruby murmurs. “What did you say?”
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything.”
“Oh, c’mon, I know you said something,” Ruby tells her, now sitting up completely to look at her friend. “What’s wrong, Kana?”
For a brief moment, Kana’s mouth was left agape as she tried to string together some sort of reasoning, some sort of excuse as to why she was being like this. She was surprised by how much Ruby was so determined to get an answer out of her, making Kana second guess her answers. She looks away from Ruby, remaining silent and receptive towards any means of conversation.
Ruby remains silent, watching Kana with curious, yet concerned eyes. She’s seen Kana in the past before acting like this, but she’s quick to brush it off as if it never happened. But every so often, Ruby would catch this certain look on Kana’s face. She’d see it occasionally during their practices, their performances, she saw that certain look only a few minutes ago. That look of something was deeply off, a look of hopelessness Ruby had seen from others in the past. She’d even seen it on her own brother’s face every now and then, but he was much harder to get to open up and talk about whatever was going on.
The silence became louder than ever, it was so quiet, that the two of them could hear passing cars outside and the humming of the overhead lights that were becoming more nauseatingly brighter by the minute. Kana could feel her chest tightening with each passing second, every moment a word had gone unspoken. A heavy weight resting on her, refusing to let up and let her breathe and exist for just one moment. Was it okay for Kana to exist at this very moment? This very time?
“I… I’m…” Kana’s words trailed off, her voice quieter than before. “I’m nervous,” she managed to squeeze the words out, just barely whispering out the words. She changed her original statement; scared was too much of a big word for her.
“Of… what exactly? Of becoming an idol, of…” Ruby questions, her tone still remaining gentle and soft.
“Everything,” Kana pushed the words out even harder this time, the unyielding pressure refusing to back down. “I… I don’t… where do I even start? It’s not even important. I-It’s just me being classic old Kana,” She laughs, attempting to play off the situation as something of unimportance. Kana doesn’t want anyone to worry about her, especially someone who she works with and who she considers a friend.
Now that Ruby was looking at her, she noticed a slight tremble in Kana’s hand as she watched her put the phone on the table. That sort of shake someone has when they are absolutely petrified. She’d seen it before, mostly from her brother when they were younger. This was an all too familiar case of someone who refused to budge about their feelings.
“That’s not true,” Ruby murmurs. “I mean… it has to be important if you’re this worked up about it, right?”
Kana waves her off, letting out another forced chuckle. “Oh, c’mon, I’ll get over it, you…” She returns her view back to Ruby, her words slowing down as she gets a good look at her expression. Not just a look of a glance, of generally looking at someone. No; Kana was able to tell exactly how worried Ruby was looking now.
And she was right; Ruby looked worried sick, an expression of pure uneasiness and anxiousness all too apparent written all over her face. She noticed her eyes darting a little like she was looking for some sort of answer, some sort of way to tell Kana it was okay, just something to ease up the tension in this conversation. Almost instantly, Kana could feel an even tighter sensation on her chest being washed over with guilt and disgust about how she was acting.
She’s the reason why Ruby is so worried right now. Maybe if Kana was just a little bit more aware of herself today, she could’ve hidden her emotions better and this conversation wouldn’t be happening. Ruby wouldn’t be this distressed about her friend. Kana was supposed to be that person with no worries or concerns on the outside, but she let it slip noticeably just this once. The pressuring feeling from her chest was now notably felt on the back of her head, a sense of anxiety that would cross when something wrong was said. Kana felt her hands become much colder now and the shake within them was becoming much more noticeable.
This wouldn’t be such a problem if you weren’t like this, Kana. She thinks to herself. You should just get on with it and die anyway, you don’t have a place in this world. You're a horrible person.
Without warning, Kana felt hot tears rolling down her face, her head bowing in shame as she did anything to advert her eyes from Ruby. She shouldn’t have to see her like this; she never wanted anyone to view her when she was in such a vulnerable position. She attempts to muffle her sobs, and small cries as she finally breaks down in front of someone over everything, over all of this. It was a long time coming, something like this was inevitable to happen.
“K-Kana?” Ruby murmurs, unsure of how to react as she inches closer to her friend. “Wh… what’s wrong?”
She shakes her head in response, Kana was trying to do anything to say the words she wanted to. But the only noises that were coming from her mouth were strained together letters and struggles as she fought to say something. Something that Kana could say to play the situation off as a joke. Just to say Just kidding; got you! After all, she was known as the child actress that could cry within ten seconds. But this wasn’t an act, no matter how much she tried to deny it. This was genuine and pure.
Suddenly, Ruby leaned forward and pulled Kana into a tight hug. While that was something any other day Kana would’ve violently rejected with words of disgust, there was no fighting it. It’s like she slunk into her embrace as her friend held her. Part of her felt incredibly embarrassed by this act; but she couldn’t deny this was something she desperately needed. Most nights when Kana would break down like this, she would hide it and even muffle her own cries alone. Originally, she would do this so her mother couldn’t hear her, or even figure out something was even remotely wrong. It had become a habit over time; the quiet struggle of simply surviving.
“You don’t have to talk,” Ruby murmurs softly. “It’s okay Kana, I’m here,” she continues as she holds her tightly. There was no need for conversation, it was like Ruby had understood everything that had gone unsaid at that moment. She had no idea if Kana would even talk to her after this was all over, but she needed her to know she was present at this time, to be supportive of Kana at that very second.
That was the statement that truly broke Kana down, a real reminder that she did have a friend. A small ting of guilt stung within Kana; how could she have been so selfish not to realize there were those around her that cared about her? Why would she have these horrible thoughts about herself? This tunnel vision of thinking she was the worst person to ever walk the world became way too apparent and obvious. She lets out a sharp, shaky, inhale, the kind where it sounds like someone struggling to breathe between sobs and cries. The kind where you know deep down, that person was hurting.
“I’ll hold you for as long as you need,” Ruby whispers. “Just… pull away when you want to, okay?”
There were parts of Kana’s brain where it was screaming at her to pull away, to push Ruby as hard as she possibly could to reject this very comfort. But she was too vulnerable at that moment to make a choice, hushed wails of distress as she felt her body shake, like a small child. This was something she could never imagine acting like.
Kana didn’t know how long she had stayed in Ruby’s arms, occasionally sniffling and letting out a strained, hushed wail. She refused to be loud during this, to be even more of a burden on Ruby. But she couldn’t have been more grateful to have someone with her during these moments. But at the same time, she wanted to reject the very comfort in front of her, almost feeling as if she didn’t deserve it.
Slowly, she raised her head from resting on Ruby’s shoulder, bloodshot eyes and stained flustered cheeks were present on her face. Blinking slowly, Kana paused as she began to piece together her words, another sniffle left her. The pressure in her chest was now a lingering feeling, being replaced by tiredness from the brief moment of panic. She looks down and away from Ruby, letting out a shaky sigh as she collects her thoughts once more.
“... Sorry, about that…” Kana manages to apologize, her eyes momentarily darting to Ruby, but eventually returning to the opposite side of the room, unable to look at her.
“Don’t apologize!” Ruby exclaims, grasping Kana by her shoulders now and carrying a rather serious expression. “You shouldn’t have to apologize for how you feel, okay? We all feel like that sometimes, and…” She stops again for a moment, thinking between her words. “You can feel like that too. It’s okay…”
A prolonged moment of silence ensues again, the humming of the fluorescent overhead lights being the only sound now and the buzz of the fan in the corner of the room. Eventually, Kana speaks up.
“... I guess so,” she laughs, raising one of her own hands and wiping away her tears. “But, uh… thanks, for being there.”
“Aww, look at you. Kana? Actually thanking someone? Who’s this I’m talking to?” Ruby playfully nudges her in an attempt to lighten her up.
Kana rolls her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you’re not gonna see that again… that was a once in a lifetime opportunity you just experienced.”
Her friend tilts her head, eyes still filled with curiosity. “So… do you want to talk about anything? Seriously, I can listen all night if you need me to.”
For a moment, Kana ponders the question. She wonders if there would be harm in telling Ruby some of the details, little tidbits of her life, and how it affected her. Hell, Ruby knew most of her childhood acting career and how it was for her. But she never mentioned how she felt about it all, she always told it as if she was reading an autobiography of sorts. A poor mention of the past and things that just happening with little to no personal matters behind them.
She stirs for a moment, sitting close to Ruby as she thinks about the question. It wouldn’t hurt, right? Kana should do this, just this one time stepping outside her comfort zone, to take a risk and to be more vulnerable even if it was just for a moment in time.
Kana clicks her tongue, lets out a sigh, and crosses her arms.
“Fine, I’ll tell you.”