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"I might just wait here for a little bit. Let time pass."
Silly thing to say, really. Behind me, the Time Door snapped shut. I didn't know if Sylvie heard me, but I wasn't really talking to her. Just to the space around me.
What should one feel when they have a little tete-a-tete with their past? Joy, relief? I just felt empty. A cocktail of nothing with a teaspoon of something incomprehensible.
Sylvie once said I should take a look at real life, but unlike Loki—and unlike her, for that matter—I was not used to change. So there I was, just standing, staring at Don's cozy dwelling. "Cozy" is a word I knew, just never applied it to my own former home. All I had from mine was a cup and a magazine, once snatched from the sacred timeline, and I liked it that way.
For some, home is a refuge; for others, a cage. Now, I'm not even sure what the endless corridors of the TVA were for me. The truth didn't bring my world down, but there was something… unsettling about it. Like catching a glimpse of the other side of things. When everything changed, where did I belong? What was I? Unanswered questions.
That was pretty funny: while watching Loki's chronicles, I never understood what was so hard about these questions that tormented him, kept him restless, pushed him forward, constantly seeking recognition and love, yet never finding his place in the world.
A blue runt on an icy cliff, left to die alone. A grown boy who chose loneliness willingly. "For you! For all of us!" That's what he said at that moment, and his voice almost didn't even tremble.
He was so afraid to be alone—and now he's there, alone. I couldn't quite picture where 'there' was. Sylvie mentioned something about a Citadel at the end of time. So, that rift led there. Everything happened so fast, we couldn't even catch our breath. It was odd to expect Loki to stick to the plan: plans and Loki don't mix well.
I told Sylvie I'd wait here a bit, but what am I waiting for? What do I want to see? Don seemed like a good, kind person, but I'm not him. I don’t belong here. I couldn't bear the TVA anymore, not because I wanted to see Don, but because Loki wasn't there anymore. He didn't want what happened to him. That's not what he wanted. He used to call us friends. I remembered standing at the heart of the TVA, clenching my fists, watching a tiny figure weaving threads that was turning emerald, and I wanted to howl. To wail. Loki did it for me, too. So the only way I could repay him was to get over myself and take a look at my former life.
Let time pass, I repeated aloud, as if trying to convince myself.
"I let," a familiar voice said. "Not bad."
I turned around. My heart was pounding, but my brain resisted: I've been taught for years to trust my brain, not this stupid fluttering piece of meat in my chest. It couldn't be Loki! Loki's out there in the Citadel.
"You... where exactly are you?" I asked, surprised by my own idiotic-sounding voice.
"I'm here," Loki smiled.
"Duplication casting?"
Loki haughtily lifted his chin in his usual manner.
"Illusion projection," he declared almost solemnly. "Duplication casting is too primitive. Just need the coordinates—it's like opening a time-door."
I pulled myself together, realizing I couldn't hug or hit him.
"Now explain to me: what was all that?"
"You want the short version?" Loki inquired.
"From the beginning, please."
"So, it all began when Odin, son of Bor, found me in the Jotunheim temple…"
"I ought to box your ears!" I hissed.
"You'd miss," Loki smiled with the most charming of all his smiles and began to tell his story.
I just stood and admired. That was the Loki I said goodbye to in the heart of the TVA - no, I didn't get a chance to say goodbye - or maybe the boy he used to be before he fell into the Abyss.
Loki talked for a long time. How he learned to control the time-slipping, how he replayed the same moment over and over, how he made his decision, how the branches, as if alive—why 'as if'?—twisted in his hands…
"Thank you," I finally managed to say.
"Hey, I didn't promise you anything," Loki's eyes sparkled with amusement. "I just gave you a chance. It's up to you now."
I remembered Loki dragging his emerald burden behind him and asked:
"What did you turn the branches into?"
"Into a tree, as it should be," Loki shrugged. "Had to do something with your clumsy garden metaphors. Ever heard of Yggdrasil?"
"Don't want to, just the word hurts my ears."
" You've heard of Baldr but not Yggdrasil?" Loki snorted. "Check the TVA archives when you get back. Hope it's not classified."
When, he said. Deep down, I knew "when" was the right word.
"Things have changed at TVA," I informed him for some reason.
"I know. We were a great team."
"It's a pity you had to do it."
"Mobius, I didn't have to," Loki retorted unusually softly. "I wanted to. Sometimes, to find your place, you need to create it yourself."
I sighed. He did too, and we both smiled at this unintentional synchrony.
"How do you manage all this stuff?" I asked.
"I don't. I didn't take this throne to manage. It's like a river. It flows through me."
"So, the multiverse is both a river and a tree?"
I knew I'd either crack a silly joke or cry. I chose the silly joke, so Loki wouldn't feel sorry for me. It was bad enough that I felt sorry for Loki. So unbearably.
"You can say it again. The river of time flows through me, and I guide it to Yggdrasil, nourishing every branch with my help. As long as they need my strength…"
He faltered, but I could see the confidence and conviction in his eyes. He had changed. Changed so much that my small pathetic brain couldn't comprehend it.
"As long as they need?"
"As long as they need," Loki nodded. "But I think I'll know when it's enough."
I looked into his eyes, but it wasn't scary. Loki was just like Loki, just with a piercing clarity in his gaze.
"So, you're a real god now."
"I don't know who I am yet, Mobius," Loki spread his arms. "I don't even know what made me, me. Or who did. Back there, on the bridge… remember, I turned to all of you? I felt that as long as I'm still just Loki, I could make a last wish, and it would come true. Not what I ask for, but what I want."
"And what did you want?"
Loki paused, then smiled. When did he get that sad smile?
"To stay Loki. To not forget you. The greatest sacrifice is those left behind. I wasn't ready for it."
Would it be easier for him now if he just became a god and forgot everything that made him Loki? Thinking about it was too painful, hugging an illusion was too stupid, allowing tears to ruin the new suit, recently taken from the supply block for eight hundred tokens, was too careless.
"If only you knew how unready I am…" I finally said, trying to keep my voice steady.
"I've always been part of something bigger, now I know that for sure," Loki tilted his head slightly, as usual. "Or rather… the main Loki, who sits on the throne in the Citadel, through whom time flows, knows it. And I'm part of that Loki. Do you understand?"
I didn't understand. I understood nothing but one thing—Loki remembered us. He remembered me. If every branch passes through him, they're all infused with his strength, his chaos, his I-don't-know-what. So he's dissolved in every molecule. I can always see the green shimmer if I want to.
"And to make sure that main, big, serious Loki doesn't forget what this is all about, he has me," he added.
"Does it... hurt him… or you? When the river... the tree..."
"No, not at all!" Loki laughed—it seemed I'd blurted something silly.
"Are you lonely?"
I didn't understand why I kept questioning him when I should be talking, talking, talking. Telling him how dear he was to me. Saying anything to make Loki realize how grateful I am. How I want to box his ears for… I don't know for what. For not knowing when I would sit with him in the TVA cafeteria again, or if we would at all. I'd give anything for seeing him trying the glorious key lime pie with a spoon, pretending to eat. Did he think I didn't notice how he grimaced at the cream?
"I used to be lonely. But now I'm not alone, I'm with you. With all of you. That main me in the Citadel... and this me. I stayed Loki, remember? I'm with you, and you're with me."
I wanted to believe him. But I knew he had protected us all, and now he was alone with the responsibility he never wanted.
"Staying Loki... Sounds like a pulp novel title." I tried to sound easy, but my heart ached.
I faced both the same Loki and a completely different one. Loki, who had transformed into an unfathomable entity but remained true to himself. He who remained Loki—a being full of contradictions, but fighting for the right to be himself.
"I always dreamed of being the main character in my book," Loki smiled.
"It suits you."
"Well, you're my best reader. Now I'll always be with you, Mobius. And if you get sad..."
"And if you get sad?" I interrupted.
Loki shot me a playful glance.
"As you can see, if I need to, I find a way to show up. Never forget to save a seat for me." He nodded to me in farewell, and the illusion dissipated.
Such nonsense. Right now, I felt an urge to protect him, almost more than that Jotun boy who was twisting his blue lips in silent cry—though it was ridiculous to think that this being needed my protection. Who was he now—the god of Time, the god of Chaos and Order, the god of... Hope? Calling him a son would be too much. I could never fit into the word 'father'. But calling him a friend wouldn't be enough either.
I smiled at the emptiness and took a step forward. Mobius, a man without a past, present, or future. Now I felt that I had not just a chance, but hope. Loki promised he'd always be with me. I believed him. I believed—because he wanted me to.