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How could life get so messed up?
You find yourself asking this question a lot lately. It was a simple rumour. Something that you could should have stopped—no, prevented
In fact, you could have prevented all of this. So in hindsight, this is all your fault.
That doesn’t mean, however, that you deserved this… right? Sure, some people probably definitely thought you did. What, being the campus whore? The virgin slut.
It was a simple white lie. But it grew into something so much bigger. Something you could never outlive. Rumours spread fast. Especially on a campus. Almost like the wildfires along the west coast.
Despite never having sex in your life or even having your first kiss, you were the sluttiest, dirtiest, whore out there.
Whilst all that isn’t true, you sure felt dirty. It seemed as though everyone believed the rumours. Sure, you had done nothing to dispute them. If anything, you only encouraged them. That was just you being stupid, you realise that now. Despite all of that, you wished that someone could look through the stupid lies. Because everyone had to be idiots to believe them.
Thinking back on it, this all could have been avoided. If you didn’t tell your former best friend that lie, none of this would have ever happened. It was the snowball effect, and it had grown out of proportion.
It only truly hit you in the face when Brock Rumlow tried to make a move on you.
You didn’t put it past him to believe that you were really a whore. He was quite daft. Regardless, when he asked you out, you had foolishly believed that he liked you for you; not for your fake self. He took you out to eat at the fairly nice seafood place in town and everything. You should have known that it wouldn’t end well.
It started off fine. You both made small talk and ordered drinks and food. Then you saw Bucky. He was the guy you had liked for a long time, not that anyone besides your old best friend knew that.
He was singing a cheesy happy birthday song with his colleagues. You giggled at the sight, not expecting such a serious guy to do something like that.
It all went downhill from there.
You panicked when you saw your former friend, Sharon Carter, sitting at a table across the room. You knew that Sharon has had her eyes on Brock Rumlow for a while—since first grade to be exact. It evaded your mind until you saw her. You knew then and there the mistake you had made.
Even if she was no longer your friend, you felt horrible. Sure, she hadn’t been too friendly to you after all the rumours and lies spiralled out of control, but you were better than this. Surely there was some sort of girl code about this kind of thing, right?
“Shit… shit, shit!” you mumbled.
“What’s wrong?” Brock asked, confused at your sudden change in demeanour.
“Sharon is over there!”
“So?”
You huffed. “She’s been in love with you since the first grade.”
“And?”
“She’s my best friend.”
“I thought you two weren’t speaking anymore.”
“We’re not, but that doesn’t mean that she’s not my best friend or that I should be out with you.”
Brock frowns. “Her and I don’t have anything in common.”
“And you and I do?” This was such a bad idea. That was the mantra playing on repeat in your mind. This was a horrible, terrible idea.
“Yeah.” His voice wavered, cracking a bit. You could see his brain scrambling to come up with anything.
“Like what?”
“Like… I hate Kae too.”
You rolled your eyes. Kaecilius. The man that hated you from day one—ever since one of his Zelots—what they called themselves—overheard you talking to Sharon in the bathroom. A religious self-centred prick that thought his ways were better than everyone else’s. Nobody liked him.
You scoffed, “If that’s our connection, I should just date the entire school.”
“Haven’t you?”
That right there. It should have been a warning to you. But you just shook your head, brushing it to the back of your mind to focus on something more important: getting out of there undetected.
Before even eating your food, you managed to convince Brock to leave. It wasn’t soon enough because Sharon saw you. Alone with Brock. On a date.
The betrayal on her face hit you like a punch to the stomach. What even was your life anymore?
You both rushed out of the restaurant. Tears were threatening to escape from your eyes, but you willed them away.
“I’m sorry about that,” you apologised, walking to the car. You opened the door to get in, but Brock shut it before it even got halfway open.
“Uh, I’ve got something for you.”
You tilted your head, hoping it was something romantic.
He flicked up an orange gift card. “Two hundred dollars to The Home Depot,” he said with a big smile on his face.
Your face crumpled in confusion before the realisation set in.
This wasn’t a date. No. Of course, it wasn’t. Not really. It was a way to get you to–
“Bam,” he said, all smug. As if he has done something.
“I didn’t realise this was a–“ Now the tears really were starting to form. You didn’t listen as he explained himself. You didn’t care enough to hear what he had to say. You didn’t care because once you finally thought someone had shown an interest in you, it blew up in your face. Hell, maybe you’ve deserved it. Going along with all these rumours. It was bound to bite you in the ass one way or another.
You took a breath, resolving yourself to all the age old question. “So what did we do on this date?”
“Whatever two hundred bucks gets me.”
And with that he leaned in, grabbing your chin to push his lips against yours.
Warning signs flared in your mind. Just what the hell did he think he was doing? You pushed him away. “That’s not really how it works,” you tried to explain.
He wasn’t hearing it. “It’s okay,” he muttered before closing the gap again. You hit his chest, trying to get him off of you.
“Stop!” you cried out, so fucking done with today. “I’m not really having sex with people for money. I’m saying I’m having sex, but I’m not having sex for money.”
You didn’t know what about your explanation was lost on him. How he could listen to that and still continue, maybe he just wasn’t listening in the first place.
He leaned in again, trying to reassure you. And yet again you pushed him away. “Stop! No, no! Stop!”
“What? Come on just relax, babe. It’s alright.”
It was as if he didn’t hear you the first million times you said it. It was as if you didn’t repeatedly push him away. Or maybe he was just dumb enough to continue pursuing you when you clearly didn’t want it.
Whatever the case was, you didn’t care.
So, yet again, you pushed him away. His back hit the car, and you walked away.
“Come on, this is bullshit! I paid you.”
You turned on your heel and flicked the card back at him. “Well now you didn’t.”
He yelled after you, upset that he didn’t get what he wanted. Tears began trickling down your face.
You heard your name being called out, a familiar, friendly voice. You turned around to see Bucky, white button down and all, walking towards you.
“Bucky… hi,” you couldn’t hide the way your voice wobbled even if you wanted to. You saw his fists clenched as he watched Brock’s car skirt away.
“Hey, you alright?”
“What? Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m… I’m fine.”
He frowned, not believing you for a second. The moment you walked in with Rumlow, he was angry. Be it jealousy or knowing you deserved so much better than that prick–probably both—he hated watching you two together. It was wrong.
“You sure?” Bucky frowned. He hated seeing you cry. Especially over some jerk that didn’t deserve you in the first place.
You sniffed, rubbing your nose. This day has been so awful. You just wanted to go to your warm bed, curl up and cry. If god took any liking to you, you wouldn’t wake to see the next day. But why would he after all you had allegedly done?
“I uh, just got off my shift. If you uh needed a ride home,” Bucky offered.
Despite the fact that you had just been harassed by a guy you foolishly thought you could trust, you put your trust in this one. You just hoped Bucky was better. You had no reason to be weary of his offer. He had been nothing but nice to you even when the rumours and lies began their torrent on your life.
“Really? You wouldn’t mind?”
“Nah, plus my ma would kick my ass if I left you here alone.” The corners of his eyes crinkled as he chuckled. It was adorable. “Or my sister, or Steve’s ma. Hell, even Steve would try to beat me up.”
Now that was an image. Tiny, little, asthmatic Steve trying to beat up bulky, tall, strong Bucky?
You giggled in spite of yourself. Bucky always seemed to know just what to say.
You both climbed into Bucky’s car before he took off. It was silent for the most part, letting you think back to everything that had happened today.
You watched Bucky as his hands gripped onto the steering wheel. His mouth was set in a heavy frown, and you could practically see the gears turning in his head.
“What’s up, Buck?” You tried your best to sound like Brock’s actions hadn’t bothered you as much as they had.
He sighed, glancing at you for all but a second. He rolled up to a red stoplight and used that moment to look you in the eye. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”
“Hmm? Oh, Brock? No, no, no. Not physically anyway.”
His eyes searched your face. He was clearly distraught. “I’m sorry.”
“What? Why?”
“I didn’t get out there soon enough, if I just got outta there sooner he wouldn’t have… and you wouldn’t have had to–”
“Light!” you nudged him.
“Right! Sorry.”
“And hey, it’s not your fault, Bucky.”
Bucky’s knuckles were white as snow. He was clenching his jaw so hard, you worried he might damage his teeth. “He wouldn’t listen to you. You said no. Multiple. Times.”
Your heart ached because you knew Bucky wasn’t going to let this go. Because he actually cared. His eyes stayed on the road, and you were surprised the asphalt didn’t spontaneously combust into flames with the ferocity behind his glare.
“But I got away, I’m okay.”
“And what if you didn’t, huh? What if I was too late? You deserve so much better, you hear me?”
You didn’t even realise he was staring right at you until you looked back at him. You were stopped at a stop sign. With no one behind you, he didn’t feel any need to keep driving.
His face morphed into pure horror as the tears began rolling down your face. You looked away from him again, to your lap this time.
“‘M sorry, doll. I didn’t mean to yell, I’m so sorry.”
You shook your head and laughed. What even was Bucky Barnes? And why the hell was he always so inherently good?
“Bucky,” you sniffed, “I’m not upset about you yelling. I’m… It’s just… you, you care? About me?”
His brows furrowed. “Well, of course I do. You’re a great person. Your sweet and smart—”
“Why are you doing this?”
“What?”
“Come on. You’ve heard the rumours, James. You aren’t living under a rock and you’re not stupid.”
“Exactly, so I’m not stupid enough to believe the lies being spread around. What I can’t seem to figure out, however, is how you got mixed up in all of this.”
“It’s a really long story.”
Bucky shrugs, “I’ve got nowhere to be.”
That is how you and Bucky ended up on top of a nearby cliff, sitting on the hood of Bucky’s car, eating snacks you got from a gas station. You told him most of the details to your unfortunate series of events that led to this moment. Bucky only stopping you every once in a while to ask questions or make threats to anyone that he claimed deserved it.
You felt like a huge weight had been lifted from your shoulders. The best part of it was, you actually thought that Bucky believed you. He held no judgement and was a total sweetheart the entire time—well, besides the times when he teased you. But even then it was all in good fun.
You shouldn’t have expected anything less from the guy that was a complete teddy bear once you peeled back his intimidating layers. He was a good man, through and through. Nothing and no one could take that away from him.
When you finished, you leaned back to look at the stars. “If I ran away and changed my name, would you come with me?”
He chuckled. “I don’t know if that’s the best course of action to take.”
“What else can I do, Bucky? You’ll be the only person that believes me!”
“Maybe I’m the only person that needs to.”
“Yeah, right. What if my supposed sex life gets passed around so that everyone knows about it. Employers? Schools? The government? I’ll be screwed!”
“Why would the government care?” he guffawed.
“I don’t know, okay! Stop laughing at me, you jerk! This is a serious crisis.”
“Okay, sorry! Sorry!”
“It’s hard to believe you’re sorry when you’re still laughing.”
He calmed down enough to stop his laughter. “Look, you and I both know this won’t go away overnight. You did dig yourself into a pretty deep hole. I don’t know how we’re going to fix it, we just will, okay?”
“Okay, and what’s in it for you?”
He hummed, taking his eyes off of the stars to look at you. “Well… I get to help you. Maybe I’d get to spend more time with you too.”
“And why would you want that?” You look down at him, surprised to find him staring back at you.
He shrugs before looking back at the sky. “You’re pretty cool.”
“Mhm, and did you make this assessment before or after all these rumours started?”
“Way before.” He looks back at you. “Maybe that night I wasn’t ready for my first kiss. The night you covered for me, and you didn’t get anything out of it. You just did it out of the goodness in your heart.”
“I… didn’t think you’d remember that…”
“Of course, I remember. I’m practically kicking myself right now for not actually kissing you.”
“Oh, yeah?”
He hummed his agreement. Your heart beat faster as his eyes dropped to your lips only momentarily. If you had blinked, you would’ve missed it.
He cleared his throat and got up. You followed after him, frowning as he took a deep sigh. “What’s wrong?”
He looked back at you, anguished. “Sorry, I didn’t mean… I’m trying to do this right, y’know. I don’t want to pressure you or anything and this is all wrong.”
“I’m not following,” you cut his ramblings short.
“I’ve… I’ve liked you for a long time… I just didn’t say anything because… well, as Steve put it, I’m too chicken shit.” He chuckled. “I should’ve done it sooner, I guess.”
You didn’t know how to respond. You were speechless. You wondered just how different your life would be if he had confessed sooner. The fact that he felt anything for you at all was… it was… you didn’t even know.
“God, this is the worst possible time to tell you. I’m such an idiot! I’m so sorry, just forget I said anything.”
“What… what if I like you too?”
Bucky froze. All of him hoped that would be your response. Truly. But he didn’t want to take advantage of you. You had just gotten done with what was probably the shitiest date of your life. You had been ostracised by everyone else. And he was the only one who held an olive branch to you. It wasn’t fair to you.
“I… I can’t… not in my right mind would I ever dream of taking advantage of you like this.”
Your face twisted. “Take advantage? Bucky, how can you take advantage of me if I like you back?”
He sighed. “You’re not thinking straight. I’m just the first guy who wasn’t a complete dickwad to you, so naturally you would like me.”
“Bucky, stop. I have liked you… for a lot longer than I care to admit. This isn’t me being desperate for any positive human connection. I genuinely like you.”
He bit his lip, looking so conflicted it hurt. You wanted to ease his worries. He shouldn’t feel that way. Not when you truly cared about him and have for a while. You’d like to think you deserved something good in your life. And if that good just so happened to be named Bucky? Well… who were you to deny it?
You advanced toward him, looking into those pale, stormy blue eyes. He said your name, a warning tone lying underneath every syllable.
“Tell me you don’t want this, and I won’t push any further,” you murmured. You were so close to him you could feel the heat from his furnace-like body. He stared into your eyes, thinking about how damn lucky he was to have such a beautiful view tonight.
“You sure you want this?” Bucky just had to ask. He needed to be sure. He didn’t even know what this was. It could be just a simple kiss, maybe a one-night stand, or, if he dared to hope, a relationship. Whatever it was, he would take it. He would be grateful for the chance to hold you, to kiss your lips and maybe more.
“Have I not made it clear enough yet?” You smirked at him. Bucky’s tongue wet his lips, a moment you traced with your eyes. He was gorgeous.
His hands cupped your face as he leaned in. You both closed your eyes as your lips met. You let him take the lead, not one hundred percent certain what you were doing.
Most people when looking back on their first kiss, regale about how horrible it was. How awkward it was and how terrible it panned out.
You were not most people.
It was easy to follow Bucky’s lead as his lips moved against yours. You hoped you were doing good with your first kiss. You hoped he liked it. Because you really liked being kissed by him.
When you broke apart for air, you opened your eyes to see him grinning like a love-sick fool. It was so endearing that you pulled him into another quick kiss.
“I never thought I’d get to do that,” Bucky murmured against your lips. They were still held in an impossibly adorable smirk that made your insides melt.
You knew right then and there, you wanted him to be your first. Your first everything. Your first kiss, your first real date (because you sure as hell weren’t counting the shitstorm from earlier as your first date), your first boyfriend, your first lover.
“I really like ya, doll. Maybe we should do this again sometime?”
“Yeah,” you breathed out, “maybe I can skip the awful date next time though.”
“Well, if you wouldn’t mind… next time you could have a nice date. With a pretty nice fella if I do say so myself. He can be a bit of a jerk sometimes, but he’ll treat ya right.”
You smirked. “‘S that so? Maybe I’ll just have to go on that date and see for myself.”
He smiled even wider. You didn’t think it was possible. “Really? Does that mean you’d wanna go on a date with me?”
“Yes, you buffoon. I thought you were supposed to be a lady’s man.”
“Hey now,” he chided, “weren’t we just having a conversation about how awful rumours could be?”
You chuckled with him as he pulled you into his arms. He pressed a gentle kiss into your hair.
“I think we should get back before my parents send out a search party.”
He laughed and agreed. Bucky drove you back to your house. Instead of curling up and crying in your bed, you ended up smiling like a lovesick fool until sleep overcame you.