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Donna considers herself to be a woman with principles, she was raised in a loving home, with loving parents. Her dad made some mistakes along the way, disappointed her mother more than once, lost her and got her back, but they always made sure Donna wasn't caught up in the middle of it, and they always made sure to raise their daughter with a moral sense.
So as Donna crosses the big doors of the Carlyle Hotel, she wonders how exactly she got here. She's never done this before, at least not consciously, she enjoys sex, and more than once she's had one night stands with men she didn't know, so maybe some of them were married but had no ring at the time, or engaged or in a relationship, but if they were, she never actually knew about it. She never went home with a man that she knew was committed to someone else.
But something snapped in her earlier today when she saw Paula in Harvey's office like she owned the place, maybe because until now she was the only woman allowed in there with no questions asked. Harvey's office has always been his sanctuary, one that only Donna could penetrate whenever she pleased, and later on she sort of extended the courtesy to Mike, but no one else. It made her feel special, how he would always snap at people entering without his permission, everyone except for her.
And today, she realized that privilege is not hers anymore, and not only because she is no longer his secretary, but because she's no longer the special woman in his life. They never dated, not really, all they had was one night filled with lust, strawberries, whipped cream and a void she never got to fill again. The thing with having a taste of what being with your soulmate feels like, is that you'll spend the rest of your life trying to feel it again.
She tried to convince herself that's not quite it, that she's so attached to that night because Harvey is an incredible lover and she had the best sex of her life with him and that's it, but deep down she knows, no matter how hard she tries to keep it hidden, she knows how she really feels about him.
And now he's in a real relationship, really trying for the first time. You can say he tried with Scottie, but Donna knows that was doomed from the start, they're too alike, it could never work, so she never really worried about it, she even tried to help him back then, telling herself that she didn't want him that way, that she only wanted him to be happy. And she honestly did, she's always really wanted his happiness, further proving how much she actually loves him.
So why is it so different now? Well the answer is simple. Liberty Rail. Yeah, that changed everything, that was a crack on Donna's long built wall, the one she herself built after The Other Time, and she almost made it into convincing herself that she wasn't in love with him, that it could never work, that he would never feel that way.
But then he had to go ballistic to save her, and she told herself it was only because he cares about her as a friend, because she is the one constant in his life, but then again he had to go ahead and tell her he loved her… 'You know I love you Donna'... God did those words haunt her, they still do actually, because with those words he cracked open her wall, a small crack, but a crack nonetheless.
And then, he took it back, which led to her leaving him, which led to him having panic attacks, which led to him seeking the help of a therapist, which led to him dating said therapist, what the fuck is wrong with him that he would date his doctor?.
The doors of the elevator close in front of her and sweat invades her palms while she continues to think how is it that she got here.
Paula is different, Paula is his first real attempt at trying, and Donna wonders why she ever thought that if he really wanted to try a relationship, it could be with her? Maybe all he ever wanted from her was a loyal employee, a guidance but only in the professional sense of the word. Paula is different from anything he ever tried before, because she can read him, because she understands him, because she knows him, she knows what his favorite restaurant is and she knows how he thinks, how he feels… Paula is different because she's so similar to Donna that Harvey found it all in her, a partner with no risks of damaging a professional partnership, which is the aspect of Donna that Harvey can't seem to be willing to let go of. So he prefers to try and commit himself to a relationship with Paula, than ever risk losing the professional relationship he has with Donna.
And it hurts like hell, she thinks, as the door of the elevator opens and she steps outside and walks through the hallway.
Mark is the one relationship she had where she could see herself moving on, where she could see herself married and maybe with some kids. The only man that made her feel special after The Other Time, that was until he made her choose, and she chose him, because no matter how happy she is, and no matter how much she wants to move on, she always ends up choosing him.
So she figured tonight, she'll choose herself, she'll choose to spend a good night with an attractive man that wants her, and wants to be with her, a man that puts all his attention on her, to the point of cheating on his wife to be with her… She won't think of Harvey, or the fact that right now he must be celebrating his two months anniversary with his girlfriend… And to think he mocked her when she celebrated her six months anniversary with Mark, the man who gives a fuck about milestones now celebrates two months anniversaries with his fucking therapist.
As she knocks on the door, her phone chimes in and she gets a text from her best friend telling her how she deserves the best, and she realizes as Mark opens the door that this is not who she is, and she does indeed deserve better and she can't let her feelings for Harvey, or her self loathing for not being what he needs turn her into an adulterer, into someone she never wanted to be, she doesn't want to do this to Mark's wife, whom she doesn't even know, but mostly, she doesn't want to do this to herself.
So she tells him she's sorry but she can't do this, and she leaves the Hotel and finds herself in a cab towards the firm, and she doesn't even know why.
It's late, and the lights are all turned off, but she walks these hallways daily, she doesn't need lights, she knows them by heart and she finds herself entering Mike's office, Harvey's old office, where they spent countless hours drinking scotch and listening to his father's music while they made fun of Louis or the moronic associates who were useless.
She pours herself a scotch and takes her heels off as she flops herself down on the couch and contemplates the office, and how different it looks, everything's changed since those happier times. Harvey's now Managing partner and she's now COO, and she's beyond thrilled to be, and beyond grateful to Harvey for the opportunity to prove herself to the world, because professionally she knows Harvey will always believe in her, but personally, she knows now he'll never have faith in them, he doesn't want a them to exist, and it's time she learns how to deal with it.
"Hey" His soft voice takes her out of her thoughts and she's startled by it. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you" He says with a smile as he walks further into the office.
"It's okay, I wasn't expecting to see you here"
"I have an early meeting tomorrow and I forgot some files, so I decided to stop by on my way home" Which means Paula's probably waiting for him in the car. "What are you doing here so late and wearing a coat inside an office?"
"Oh I just…" Heat rises in her cheeks and she tries to come up with an excuse but she can't so she sort of tells the truth, omitting the part where she's only wearing lingerie beneath the coat. "I had a date, didn't work out and I found myself here"
"I'm sorry to hear that, please tell me he didn't… you're okay, right?" He asks with concern and she sees where his thoughts have gone.
"Oh no, nothing like that, I'm fine" She reassures him.
"Okay… My scotch is better than Mike's, you know?" He asks with a small smile and she looks at her glass.
"I know, but this will never feel like Mike's office to me" She says and she doesn't even know why she said it.
"Donna, are you sure everything's alright?" He asks softly and she nods.
"Don't make her wait Harvey, it's late" She replies and he frowns.
"How do you-?"
"I saw her earlier, she came by to leave you a gift and told me you were having dinner at Carbone" He nods in acknowledgment and she puts her heels back on before she stands and walks by him, but when she does, he grabs her wrist and turns her around so he can pull her into his arms. They don't hug, they don't touch, and there's a reason they don't. She feels the fire rising through her body, because his touch will never cease to be fire in her skin.
"You're so amazing Donna, and any man would be lucky to have you, I hope one day you'll find one that's worthy of you" She feels the tears fall down her cheeks as she finally lets them.
"I found him, but he doesn't want me" She confesses and hopes he can see she's talking about him.
"Then he's an idiot and he doesn't deserve you" She realizes then he'll never see it.
She pulls away from him and wipes her tears "Goodnight Harvey"
"Goodnight Donna"
…
Boxes and more boxes, that's all Harvey can see right now and he starts regretting the move as he does. He groans as he starts going through the ones in their bedroom. His wife is impeccably organized and she made sure the movers labeled every single box correctly. Suits, dresses, her coats, his coats, his shoes, her shoes, even their underwear, he thinks so far he's counted at least five boxes labeled with the word 'dresses'. And honestly he will never understand why she needs so many, but he'll never complain either, he sure as hell loves taking them off her.
If he stands in the doorway of their bedroom, he can see her in the kitchen of their new condo, taking out some cups and cutlery they decided to bring, including those hideous fish cups.
"It's not fair I got the bedroom, you know?" He calls to her and hears a soft laugh.
"You did lose a bet honey, so… Sorry but not sorry" She calls back and he shakes his head.
"How was I supposed to know Mike hasn't matured enough to hold his liquor?"
"Harvey, haven't you learned by now to never question your wife?" She asks in her know-it all tone.
He comes out of the bedroom and heads into the kitchen to stand behind her and put his arms around her, burying his face between her neck and her shoulder, the access being eased by her hair being pulled into a messy bun.
"I have now" He says, answering her previous question and leaving a trail of kisses down her neck.
"Harvey, we're never going to finish unpacking if you keep distracting me" She complains playfully and he nibbles softly on the spot he knows it's her most sensitive one, eliciting a moan from her.
"We're newlyweds Donna, we're supposed to be having sex all day long and to hell with unpacking"
"We spent two weeks pretty much naked and having sex in our honeymoon, you'd think you'd be able to control your sex thrist by now"
"It's my Donna thirst I can't control" He defends himself and she chuckles at the way he's trying to charm her.
"You're such a sweet talker Specter, be careful or you might become a full time perfect husband"
"Aren't I already?" He asks in mock offense and lifts his head from her neck, she tilts her head to the side to be able to place a soft kiss on his lips.
"Yes, you are" She mumbles against his lips. "Now please help me unpack, I want our bedroom to be at least presentable by the time we have to leave to have dinner with Mike and Rachel" He scoffs and kisses her one more time before letting her go and going back into their bedroom.
He knows better than to mess with the order of his wife's dresses, so he figures he'll start with their coats and makes a mental note to go shopping for more raincoats now that they are living in what's probably the most rainy city in the country.
As he's going through Donna's coats and starts hanging them in their brand new walk-in closet, one catches his attention, a light pink coat with fur cuffs he only saw on her once before. He recalls that night clearly, she was upset because a date went wrong and he was out on a date with Paula, the worst mistake of his life. He grips the fabric and sits on the end of their bed, he remembers how she told him she had found a man worthy of her but he didn't want her and he likes to think he now knows she was talking about him but he's not sure, he does remember how it bothered him when she said it though, when he thought she was referring to someone else.
It always bothered him when she had another man in her life, someone that came to occupy that exclusive place in her heart that he secretly always wanted for himself. It's stupid how upset he gets over a goddamn coat, they are married now, they promised forever and he knows she loves him, he knows he's the love of her life as much as she is his, so he doesn't get why he feels the need to throw the damn coat into their new fireplace.
"I want to believe you're not old enough to be losing your hearing, I called your name three times" Donna says with an amused look from the doorway of their bedroom but frowns when she sees him blankly staring ahead with her coat in hand. "What's wrong?" She asks as she approaches him and places her hand on his shoulder, the gesture causing him to look up at her.
"Were you talking about me?" He asks in a small, almost timid voice, not his normal, confident voice at all and she sighs, understanding what this is about.
"I was, yeah" She admits with a sad smile, any mention of that time still taking a toll on her.
"I've always wanted you" He says while looking into her eyes with the most sincere look, he needs her to know it.
She sits next to him and places a hand on his cheek "I know that now" She replies softly.
"What happened that night?" She takes a deep breath and looks down.
"It doesn't matter anymore, Harvey" She says in a low voice while she absentmindedly twirls her ring, the tiny object grounding her, reminding her of what they do have now.
"I understand if you don't wanna share it, it's okay" He replies softly and she sighs.
"It's not that… I just don't want you to look at me differently"
"Why would I do that? I could never look at you as anything but the woman I fell in love with"
A single Demi Moore tear rolls down her cheek, but it's not fake this time and he tilts her chin with his index finger so she's looking at him while he moves her to sit on his lap and their foreheads clash together.
"After you told me you were seeing Paula and I gave you back your key, I decided to call Mark to see if there was still something there" She can tell how he swallows thickly at the mention of her ex.
"Six months anniversary Mark? aka the asshole that made you choose between me and him?" He asks and she chuckles softly as she nods.
"Yeah, at the time he was the closest I ever was to a serious, committed relationship, so I thought that maybe…"
"He could help you get over me"
"That's a bit presumptuous of you, but yeah" She admits and he kisses her temple quickly.
"So we met for lunch, he led me on and I was actually having a good time until he told me was married" She can feel how his muscles tense then, and this is exactly why she didn't want to tell him about it. "Harvey, if you don't wanna hear it-" She starts but he cuts her off.
"No, no, I'm sorry, please continue" He says softly and she nods, gathering courage to tell him the whole story.
"I told him off, but then he called me and said he wasn't happily married and that he regretted having walked away from me, that he wanted to see me and he gave me his room number… I wasn't even going to consider meeting him, but then, the next day, I saw Paula in your office, she was leaving you a gift for your two months anniversary and she knew Carbone was your favorite restaurant, for the first time another woman knew you as well as I did and I just…" She sniffs as fresh tears roll down her cheeks and it feels so good to finally let it out. Harvey pulls her closer so she can bury her face in his neck while he caresses her hair. "You used to mock the people that celebrated milestones like that, and there you were celebrating a two months anniversary, it hit me for the first time that I was losing you for good"
"I had no idea it was our two months anniversary and Carbone is not my favorite restaurant Donna" He says in a soft tone and she looks up at that. "Del Posto is my favorite restaurant, but I never would have taken her there" He adds and she cries harder at his admission.
"I didn't do it" She says next between sobs, willing herself to calm down so she can continue "I was going to, I made it to the door but Rachel sent me a text telling me I deserved the best and I realized I couldn't do it, so I turned around and left. I went back to the firm and sat in your old office, thinking about all those times we stayed there late, just drinking and talking, and that's when you came in" He takes a deep breath and hugs her tighter.
"I am so sorry Donna, for what I put you through, for not realizing sooner how I feel about you, for the time I wasted, for every tear I caused… I can't take it back, but I can promise you I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you" She shakes her head and cups his jaw as she stares into those chocolate orbs she loves so much.
"I don't want you to take it back, I've told you before that it led us here Harvey, and it makes what we have so much stronger"
"I love you Donna" He says softly and she smiles, she'll never get tired of hearing him say it.
"And I love you Harvey"
They stay like that for a while, just enjoying the feeling of being in each others arms, and Donna feels like this is a conversation they needed to have, they have discussed Paula before, but never like this, Harvey merely once told her how it had been a mistake, his last attempt at trying to push his feelings for her away, but that was all. Until now she hadn't worked out the courage to tell him how it all felt for her, and she's really glad she was able to finally let it out.
"You remember our milestones" She says quietly after a few minutes and he smiles against her forehead where his mouth is resting. "We celebrate the day you knocked on my door every month" She adds and he nods.
"Of course I do, I remember every significant date that has something to do with you, with us… I remember the day you started working for me, as well as the day you came back to my desk after going to work for Louis. I also remember the day you were made COO, and the day I came to my senses, and the day I told you I love you for the first time… Well, for the second time, I also remember the date of the first time I said it in your apartment. My favorite though is our most recent one, September 25th" He says as he brings his left hand up and intertwines it with hers, so their rings are touching "Yeah, that was definitely the happiest day of my life"
"Together forever" She says as she looks at their joined hands.
"Together forever" He echoes and seals the promise with a kiss. "Can we please throw that coat into the fireplace?" He asks a few seconds later and she laughs loudly, leave it to her husband to make her laugh after such an emotional moment.
"Harvey that's a Gucci coat" She argues but he shrugs.
"I'll buy you another one"
"Okay, but we're not burning it, I'm donating it to goodwill" He fakes thinking about it and rolls his eyes with a nod.
"Alright, as long as I don't have to see it again" He quips as he lifts her up, only to drop her further on the bed and climb on top of her, her giggles soon turns into moans, all thoughts of that awful night being left behind.
It doesn't matter how many people came before them, if it was Mark, Paula, Scottie or Thomas, what matters is that they made it, they're here now, where they were always supposed to be.