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Neil was tired, and his bones ached from another grueling practice with his teammates. Nicky blaring music in the kitchen while Matt and Dan watched some fantasy movie on the TV while Aaron and Andrew rampaged through the cupboard for snacks wasn’t helping his ticking patience. He needed silence. He popped his neck and made his way downstairs to take a smoke outside anyway from everyone, ignoring Andrews gaze that was promptly taken away by Aaron shoving a piece of cake in his brothers mouth. Although his patience was withering away from him he couldn’t help the tiny smile at the thought of Andrew getting closer with his brother. Fights no longer being threatening, but petty, their arguments and fist fights not landing either of them in front of Abby, except ending in stubborn silences.
Neil was outside and the sun was setting, he has two classes tomorrow morning but he didn’t want to think of math or Spanish right now. His brain was a scattered mess and he didn’t know why, his body felt heavier than usual. If he knew what was making everything so much—so much more he would at least know how to stop it. He looked at the leaves on the trees that were blooming pretty arrangements of greens and pinks and sighed raking a hand through his hair. So that’s what it was. It made sense his body knew before his mind did. It was a day, he tried forgetting about.
He clicked his phone on and saw that date with a scarily fuzzy vision. Every year since that time he seemed to forget about the no crying rule. Something about his daughter brought him to his knees in agonizing pain every year.
She’s three now.
Three years ago on the run when he was 15 and his name was still Nilah and his hair was black and reached his waist his mother and him were grabbed by some thugs. They weren’t stupid, they’d taken their weapons first, and dodged the ones they’d had on them. The men had taken them to a dark alleyway and raped both of them within feet away from eachother. Both stuck hearing the sounds of the only person they cared about getting pinned down and fucked. Eventually the men took their money and most of their weapons and left them both bleeding in the alleyway.
His mother had taken a pill that would guarantee the death of the unborn child, and had given Neil a pill. That same day Mary had been killed by his father.
Neil decided against taking the pill.
He had 9 months of excruciating pain of being on the run with swollen ankles and feet, not getting the proper nutrition for himself of the unborn kid. Eventually, he gave birth in an abandoned gas station where he found the best route to get to his uncles home. He didn’t want to leave the kid at a fire station in fear that he himself would be tracked down, he didn’t want the babygirl to get stuck in the foster care system. His mother was dead, his father was trying to kill him, he didn’t have siblings, but he had an uncle. It was the best choice. He’s written a note, a note that said a lot in such little words.
“take care of her, name her whatever, give her the life I won’t be able to. Thank you, Uncle.”
At the reminder of the words he had written down with tears running down his cheeks he crouched down on the sidewalk with a painful grunt. His chest felt like it was being ripped in half like his insides were being burnt.
“Neil?”
His hands shook as he took out the picture he had taken of himself with her back when his hair was dyed Black and reached his waist, when his eyes weren’t the blue Andrew liked so much but a murky brown. Back when he was still Nilah, when he was his mothers daughter.
“Neil.”
His nails went to his biceps trying to ground himself by carving small crescents into his skin.
”Abram, you’re making yourself bleed. Stop it.”
“Drew?”
“That’s right.”
”I want to go to sleep, I want this day to be over.”
“Let’s go to sleep then.”
Neil would have to keep quiet about his love for being carried to bed, though he thinks Andrew is starting to find out that small thing about Neil anyway. Neil tries to ignore his crowing teammates wondering if he’s fine. He even spots Aaron eyeing him curiously, Allison and Renee joined them to make lunch with Nicky. They were all preparing to have a meal when Andrew had bursted in with Neil in his arms.
“Are you okay?”
”Is he okay?”
”Why is he crying?”
”Whats happening?”
”He’s going to be fine for practice tonight though, right?”
”Kevin I’m going to smack the living shit out of you—”
“He’s fine, he just wants to sleep for a little.” Andrew grumbles, annoyed at the thought of making conversation with them when it wasn’t needed. Neil likes that. Andrew is talking more. Whether he likes it or not.
He’s in bed now, a blanket tucking him in.
“Do I need to call Abby?”
Neil thinks back to his searing pain in his chest and growing pain in his stomach but nods no.
“Junkie, do I need to call Abby?”
”No, I’m fine.”
”Abram.”
Neil looks away before muttering a soft, “Can you call Wymack?”
If the Foxes saw Wymack come in with two big packs of frozen peas, and a huge jar of Nutella with pretzels they minded their business.
*
It was the next morning when Neil was finally able to get some words out without bursting into tears. The team had tried comforting him but had quickly realized it made Neil feel even more uncomfortable. Eventually Neil’s tears and harsh sobbing made them settle to simply giving him some soup and playing Neil some recorded games on the TV.
The team was sitting in a circle when he walked into the living room. Wymack and Abby were here too. Andrew pat the spot next to him and Neil sighed.
”I’m sorry for yesterday.”
”You don’t need to apologize for having feelings Neil.” Abby stated.
”You know we’re here for you, right?” Nicky smiled but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.
The team nodded and Neil’s eyes tears up again and the thought of finally telling someone. Andrew and Wymack knew bits and pieces but that was about it.
Matt handed him a box of tissues and Neil took them quickly.
“So, uh, you all know how I’m trans right?”
They nodded.
Neil nodded and looked away, “Back when I was 15 me and my mom were found by some men and they did things to us, unforgivable things” Neil shook his head at the memories, “It was the same day Nathan found my mom and killed her, since my mom was killed she wasn’t there to force me to take anything for what happened earlier that day. I made a decision and eventually I gave birth to a baby girl.” Neil huffed a breathe out to control his breathing and put his head in his hands. “I was pregnant and a runaway and I was alone. Her name is Abigail.” He pulled out the picture he has taken of himself with the baby in his arms. The bag has the same auburn hair he had and gave it to Andrew who passed it to Nicky who passed it to Matt and so on.
They looked at him thoughtfully, and he kept trying to control his breathing.
“Yesterday was the day I had her three years ago. I know where she is but she doesn’t even know I exist and she never will.” Neil smiled up at them and found Allison and Matt holding back their own tears.
“I just miss what could have been.”
His Foxes inched closer and Andrew asked with his eyes a silent “yes or no?” Before Neil nodded and got a hand on his back.
He didn’t have his daughter, but he knew she was safe where she was. And maybe he wouldn’t ever see her again but he knew that if she was anything like the rest of the Hatfords she would understand one day, because one thing the Hatfords do is understand and protect. If knowing her knowing him would bring either one of them in danger she’s stay away, fiercely d voted to protecting herself and him just like he was, just like his mother was, and just how many other Hatfords were long before them.