Work Text:
It's a crazy thing, I showed you my hand. And you still let me win.
It was something amazing to see.
Here, under the spotlight of rawness where the cracks of his soul were visible, Felix found it dizzying how Hyunjin could mirror his own emotions, like puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly, their imperfections where the magnets that brought them together.
He knew how Hyunjin saw himself through the eyes of fake statements and headlines on a Saturday morning after some good partying with friends . He could hear the voices of enemies that started as friends whispering how much of a bad person he was. Could feel the shame crawling slowly into his skin as he watched the news every other day, thinking how someone like Felix could be by his side, growing like a flower in between fake plants.
But Felix wasn’t a flower, no. How could he, when he too was tainted by past mistakes?, reminders of ghosts standing in the room in the shape of glass bottles with different tags on them. The line of white powder and a dollar rolled, making his way to his nose.
No, Felix wasn’t a flower, but more so like a wine stained shirt he couldn’t wear anymore. Getting aggressive when his mom and dad tried to save him. Feeling like shit in the afterglow of it all.
Felix should be the ashamed one. Right here at this moment, with people having a blast in a place filled with blue balloons in the shape of the number five on them. A big cake celebrating something he was so afraid to bring to the table. If anything, he should be the one running away from Hyunjin before people started talking about how a joker was the lover of someone as graceful as Hyunjin, he couldn’t even start to think about how ruined his reputation would be if someone found out that he was an addict. Used to be one.
But they talked about this. Dark room and chest to chest as they exposed themselves with tears ricocheting down their cheeks. Felix was a monster, bigger than any possible headlines of cheating or songs about how much of a bitch Hyunjin was. He showed him how much of a devil he was, but for Hyunjin, Felix was a masterpiece hanging in the corridors of the most exquisite of museums back in Europe, his cracks were just parallel lines that mirrored Hyunjin’s ones, because even when Hyunjin wasn’t an addict, he was just as devilish as Felix, he too was tainted by past mistakes when he was too naive to think that everyone could be his friend. Spilling out to them for free before he found himself inside a hurricane that tossed him around like a dirty puppet.
Both of them were broken, but somehow they just filled each other's scars so well, sewing them delicately with days, months and years of getting to know each other, learning how to love the dark in their souls as much as the shiny armour they wore to protect their souls.
Love , he came to learn over the years, was accepting that no one was perfect and still felt like every scar was made of gold. Love in every shape was waking in the morning trying to be a better self for the one who held your hand, and maybe even falling for the blue tint running through your veins.
So maybe it was okay, even when he was scared and his hands were trembling under the paws of his red sweater. The delicate sound of fingers knocking as a plea to letting him in inside his mind, maybe even inside his heart.
“Are you okay?” Hyunjin asked, eyes as gentle as his soul and long warm fingers caressing his face, “you’ve been here for a while now, everyone at the party is asking for you.”
A party. A celebration he wasn’t even sure he deserved in the first place. Years and years of being clean just so people could frame it like a proud family picture and celebrate something he found so humiliating. Hyunjin shouldn’t be doing this, he should be outside having fun somewhere else with his oh so popular friends that posted pictures for strangers approval. But he was here , a very real person smiling so kindly to him.
He was so tender. So full of love for all of Felix’s dark twisted parts of him. How could he, When Felix was nothing but a monster?
“I…,” he started, a loud sob escaping his mouth, tears that he didn’t knew he was holding falling like heavy rain down his cheeks, “I don’t know, I…, Hyunjin I…,”
“Hey, hey, hey,” Hyunjin shushed him, strong arms enveloping him into a hug full of emotions he wasn’t sure he deserved, “it’s okay, don’t cry love, just talk to me.”
Love, love, love .
The only word he could use as an anchor everytime he walked through the supermarket with all shapes and forms with price tags on them. A face that came when temptation felt like burning under the tip of his tongue. Hyunjin loved him and he loved Hyunjin just as much as to feel ashamed when he admitted out loud words he swore he was going to bury deep inside his chest.
But he just couldn’t do this to Hyunjin. Never to him.
“I’m so fucking sorry.” He cried, “please don’t leave me, I swear I've been good, you need to believe me, please, please…”
And maybe he was overreacting, but maybe the real fear of being left alone by the only person that accepted his past was scarier than any other intrusive thought inside his head.
“Felix, c’mon baby, I need you to calm down and explain to me what's going on.”
He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t lie. He swore never again .
“I bought it, okay!?” He shouted, “I just…, it just that…, it was so easy and then I brought it home and hid it inside a shoe box because I knew that you wouldn’t even suspect a fucking thing, but please. I promise you I didn’t do anything. You have to believe me, Hyunjin, please .”
It should’ve been easy. He did this so many times in the past. Knew what lies were more believable and what kind of mind games he could play to stay out of trouble. Felix was an addict , and that was the first fucking rule everyone should have learned a long time ago. Because it never became easier , not when the world was full of liars like himself.
But this was Hyunjin. And he couldn’t afford to lose the love of his life because of some stupid temptation he couldn’t even take control of.
But right now, Hyunjin looked so pale and out of it when he whispered. “What did you bought, Felix?”
He was a fool. He was so stupid. “Cocaine, but please, you need to believe me Jinnie, I haven’t touched it. I just couldn’t.”
Parties and numbers were nothing when the devil knocked on his door, luring him to do whatever he wanted. Toasts and music weren’t that fun when he once again found a way to go back to the dark hole he just escaped. And the love of his life couldn’t shine when the shadow of Felix’s actions overpowered the both of them.
And yet. Even when he was folding himself, showing his true self to Hyunjin, all he could feel and see was nothing but love and determination in his lover’s eyes.
“Hey, it’s okay baby.” He smiled sadly. “I’m so proud of you for staying strong, thank you for being honest. I’m here now and we would find a solution together, okay?”
He kissed Felix’s lips, bringing their heads together.
“You’re not alone anymore Felix, we will do this the right way together, love.”
Felix wasn’t one anymore. That was a sweet reminder for his soul to take to be stronger than any black mirror that crossed his way. He would do better to be the real flower Hyunjin needed him to be. A beautiful rose in the garden the both of them build together.