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“Can I hold your hand?”
Thi glances at Noey and lets a soft smile creep onto his face. They’re sitting pressed to each other’s sides, their shoulders touching, their thighs too. Noey radiates warmth, Thi can feel his body heat through the layers of clothes.
The high school senior is still looking at him, waiting for an answer. A simple yes or no. Instead, Thi takes Noey’s hand himself, intertwining their fingers. The other boy’s hand is dry and warm. Thi holds his gaze, still smiling at the guy he completely fell for. A year ago, he would deny his feelings, two years ago he still felt like a mentor and not a potential partner; he saw Noey grow into someone he doesn’t even recognize, a complete one eighty from what he was like when they first met. The only thing that’s constant and unchanging is Noey’s feelings for Thi. He still makes sure Thi knows how much he appreciates and loves him. Thi is ready to give him his heart.
“Can I kiss you?” Thi nods, barely visible movement of his chin. Something in Noey’s eyes shifts and he leans in. Thi can smell Noey’s cologne, the one he picked out himself. Noey’s breath tickles his face and Thi closes his eyes and braces himself, ready to feel the softness of Noey’s lips briefly pressing against his, when his phone rings. He reaches for it and his stomach drops when he sees the caller ID.
“I’ll take a rain check this time,” Noey chuckles, it sounds kind of strained though. “Don’t let your mom wait, pick up.”
~*~
Noey looks kind of pretty standing there by the rose bushes, Thi realizes as he walks up to him. His side profile is very nice, he grew a little taller, his stance screams confidence. His style seems a little out of place but dressing vintage is kind of in again, so he still looks cool. Thi’s chest gets a little tighter at the sight of him. He’s no longer the unruly kid he met.
Noey looks at him and smiles, that soft smile that Thi grew to love, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.
“My parents are going to pick me up on moving day,” Thi says slowly, carefully. He tries not to sound too disappointed even though he is.
“At least you won’t travel alone. You’d be lonely,” Noey says and looks away. His shoulders slump a little and Thi hates knowing it’s because of him.
“But that means-“
“It’s fine, I just won’t see you off then. Just let me know when you arrive so I know you’re safe.” Thi pouts. He wants Noey there. He wants to hug him before he leaves, and wants Noey to promise he’ll come to him once he graduates.
“We’ve been together almost every day for the past few years, Thi. You’ll be fine.” Thi’s heart hurts. He doesn’t want to say goodbye. Noey hands him his helmet. “Let’s go, I will take you home.” He sounds.. off. Distant. Usually, his voice drips with sweetness, that kind of tone that he has only for Thi. There’s no trace of that now.
Thi trails behind him as they walk to Noey’s bike. He feels like he should say something, make everything right again. This feels like a break up and they’re not even dating.
“Thank you, by the way,” Noey breaks the silence as he sits on the bike.
“I’m happy I got to be your tutor,” Thi smiles. Their eyes meet and Thi hopes Noey can feel the emotions Thi is projecting at him. He’s not good with words but he still hopes Noey knows.
Tell me to wait for you. Tell me you’re gonna come for me.
“I’m not talking only about school,” Noey says instead. “I’m talking about love. You taught me so much.” Thi cannot help himself but smile even wider. His heart is hammering in his chest and he wants to reach for Noey’s hand again when the younger looks at him and turns to him fully. “I think I’m finally ready to flirt with Pam now.”
There are a few seconds of complete silence. Then, a pain Thi has never felt before blooms in his chest, as if someone broke all his ribs and ripped his heart right out. His smile drops and he has to blink the tears away. He almost drops his helmet.
“Come on, I’ll take you home.”
“I think I’ll walk,” Thi says. He shoves the bright yellow helmet into Noey’s arms, biting his lower lip to hold back the sobs.
“Don’t be ridiculous, we’re quite far from your dorm room.” He doesn’t let Thi argue with him, puts the helmet on his head and seats him on the bike himself.
The whole ride back, Thi is gripping Noey’s jacket so tight his knuckles turn white. This is the last time he can be this close to Noey and the knowledge itself breaks his heart all over again. He doesn’t cry though, not yet.
When they arrive at the dorms, Thi quickly takes off the helmet and puts it on the seat behind Noey. “Bye,” he chokes out and runs up the stairs and to his door without looking back. He feels empty, stupid, used. He actually believed Noey liked him, but to him, this was just a game, a trial before the real thing. Every single tutoring lesson he attended wasn’t for Thi, but for one of his students. The realization knocks down the last wall that kept him up and he breaks down crying, sliding down the door to his room, full body sobs that make the door rattle as he shakes against it. He feels betrayed.
~*~
The next few days go by in a blur. Noey doesn’t call and Thi isn’t sure he wants him to. It’s probably for the better. Not that Noey has any reason to call. He’s not Pam. Noey isn’t hitting on him.
Thi sighs as he zips up the last suitcase and looks around the room. It looks inhabited again. Ready for a new tenant. He sits on the floor and pushes the suitcase next to the other two and the giant plush duck that Noey won for him. A part of him wants to leave the plushie here, abandoning it like Noey abandoned him. His eyes water at the mere memory of their “dates”. Was all of that a lie?
He should get some sleep, his parents are picking him up in the morning but he feels sad and restless. Before he can even register what he’s doing, his body is already moving, grabbing the keys and his phone , leaving the dorm room and out on the street, waving down a taxi.
It’s almost midnight, what he’s doing is absolutely crazy and there’s no guarantee Noey’s even awake but he needs to do something. He needs to hear it; needs Noey to tell him he’s never loved him.
He runs over the wooden bridge and around the restaurant to the back of the house, where he knows Noey’s bedroom is. His heart is pounding in his chest and he feels so nervous he’s nauseous. He sends Noey a text message:
look out of the window.
Nothing happens for what feels like an eternity and then Noey’s window opens and he sticks his head out. “Thi? What are you doing here, you’re leaving home soon!”
“I need to talk to you!” Thi shouts. There’s a low rumble of thunder in the distance and Thi can feel a few lone raindrops hit his face. Noey sighs. “You’ll get sick. Come inside, you dummy.”
Noey’s room looks the same. It hasn’t been more than a week since Thi was there the last time. Old posters for even older movies, VHS tapes, a fan by Noey’s bed.
“You should be sleeping,” Noey says simply and sits on his bed, looking up at the tutor. He’s talking quietly so as not to wake up his mom and sister. “Why are you here?”
“I know it’s too late and I understand you don’t feel the same way I do, but if I don’t say it now, I’ll die regretting it.” It’s not why he came but he has to confess everything. “I can’t leave without telling you that it worked. Your flirting worked so well in fact, that I fell for you, head over heels, and I’m so sorry because I didn’t know I wasn’t supposed to. I don’t care what my parents say and I don’t care what my friends say because I know you’re a good person and I fell in love with you, so I just want you to know that you can definitely get Pam because-“ Noey covers his mouth with his hand. His eyes are glossed over and the tip of his nose turns red. Thi saw him like this only once: when he was crying in Thi’s arms about his mom’s injuries. “You can’t do this to me now,” Noey whispers. “I promised your mom I would leave you alone.”
“Even if it hurts me?” Thi asks, his voice breaking at the end, and Noey pulls him in, hiding his face in Thi’s shirt, arms tight and secure around his waist. “I don’t ever want to hurt you.”
“Then study hard and graduate and then come to me. Don’t flirt with Pam, don’t flirt with anyone, and tell me to wait for you.”
“Wait for me,” Noey says and he sounds so sad it makes Thi cry. “Wait for me only, don’t ever look at anyone else, don’t love anyone else but me.”
Thi sits down next to him and pulls him into a hug, kissing the top of Noey’s head. They cry in each other’s arms for a bit before Noey’s breathing evens out and he snuggles more into Thi’s embrace. He doesn’t let go. He doesn’t ever want to let go.