Chapter Text
"New year, new set of dodgy blokes to comment on," mutters Armitage Hux as he scrolls through a list of recommended videos to watch.
A few years ago, Armitage had started a YouTube channel just to rant about life, news, and politics. He had needed an outlet to deal with residual trauma from his father's abuse, and apparently people loved a good accent and a sense of humor. As a result, people now send him videos to comment on during his regular segments.
Once a week, he discusses any number of random things during his video dedicated to "life". He enjoys finding daft-sounding videos he can make fun of, something lighter than all the heavy stuff he discusses during his videos the other two days a week.
Based on the usernames and video titles, this year promises to be just as full of gits and other ridiculous fodder for his ranting pleasure.
His manicured eyebrow rises dubiously at one particular username. "TicosSeekingToms? What the bloody hell? Is this a dating profile?" he wonders aloud. He reads further. "No, it can't be if it involves a New Year's meal. Alright, I'll bite," he continues, clicking on the link.
It's a good thing he's watching on his computer, not his phone, as he would have dropped the tech at the vision he sees. To his surprise, the short Instagram video features a very attractive woman dressed in jeans and a white, button-down blouse.
He gulps upon noticing that her long arm sleeves are slightly rolled up at her wrists, and as his pulse races, he shakes his head at himself. "Gah, I'm worse than a Victorian lad seeing an ankle for the first time."
For several minutes, he paces and steels himself, trying to calm down using phrases from therapy. When that doesn't work, he goes back to his favorite method: yelling at himself.
"You are a professional; pull yourself together! You have work to do," he grits, at least until his eyes stray back to the computer, where siren images call him back. Letting out a long breath, he admits, "I am also an appreciator of art, and I intend to gaze upon her."
Within seconds, he is sitting and replaying the video, blue eyes fixed upon the vision. "Buxom body. Gorgeous eyes. Great smile. Might as well be the best advert there is to get me interested…is that straw in her hair?" Voice rising, he tilts his head to peer closer at the large monitor, and there are most definitely pieces of straw tangled in her luscious locks and on her clothes. "Bollocks. She's definitely taken."
She looks like she has just enjoyed a roll in the hay with whoever her lover is with her sparkling eyes and happy grin.
He's about to shut off the video when he realizes that she's carrying a large, wooden tray of bowls full of food.
"Right. New Year's meal. Are those…turkeys?" His voice rises another octave. "Why those filthy, dumb animals?"
That's when he realizes that the sound is off. Oh well, another excuse to look at the pretty lady all over again…
"Hi, it's Rose Tico again from Tico Turkey Farm and Animal Sanctuary." She gives a cute little wave that he finds endearing. "Since we're celebrating another holiday, it's time to celebrate with our favorite Toms, Artoo and Threepio. Thanks to our sponsors, we have some delicious food for our boys. Let's see what they feel like eating today!"
Rose then proceeds to explain what the turkeys have liked eating in the past, and she gets excited to see what they prefer this time. Armitage thinks it’s a terrible waste of her time, but despite being disgusted that she would spend so much time fussing over some silly animals, he can't stop watching her. He's enchanted by her, even if he would never admit it out loud.
Before he knows it, he's lost five hours of his day from watching every single video Rose has ever posted, starting from when she was studying mechanical engineering and just helping out her parents by creating promotional videos for their farm. By the time he finishes watching all those videos, he reaches two conclusions: first, that he had never spent five hours so well, and second, that those turkeys are far too dumb to deserve all her attention.
"I have to say something about her videos; she's far too brilliant and beautiful to be wasting her time with silly animals," he decides.
When it comes time for his life-themed segment online, he's irate enough about the turkeys to deliver a worthy response to all the videos he had watched.
Normally when he appears online, he wears a black, pressed shirt with all the buttons done, and his ginger hair is combed nicely. Today, he wears a navy blue top with a white stripe on the collar, and he even undoes the top button and slicks back his hair. He reminds himself that there really is no reason to dress nicely today, but because he's talking about her, he can't help himself.
Would it cause her to notice him? What if she watches? Would his looks make up for the way he tears apart her turkeys? Likely not.
"But at least she'll remember me," he says to comfort himself.
As his video starts, he interlaces his fingers upon the desk, and he stays in that position through the first part of his rant. As soon as he transitions to Rose, though, he rolls up his sleeves (everyone always told him that he has nice-looking arms), leans forward, presses his hands down firmly on the desk on either side of him as he thanks the commenter for the tip-off, and then glares at the camera.
"The video in question that I am about to discuss is what I just put a link to in the comments," he starts, and like every other video he includes, the beginning of her video appears on his screen and for the viewers. One hand gestures to it as he lifts his nose disdainfully. "Feast your eyes upon some of the daftest birds to ever live, and an awful pun of a username used to trick unsuspecting males looking for some action into clicking and discovering that the bird in question is not interested in men, but turkeys! The whole bloody lot of them with their loud noises and peacocking tendencies. Whyever for?"
As he throws his hands in the air, he feels slightly better about venting his feelings. After taking a moment to let comments flow in, he responds to them.
"Yes, exactly!" he cries, naming the username. "That is my running theory, that the turkeys are so dumb that she feels she's forced to care for them. Which is a real shame," he continues, folding his arms in front of him, "for the research I've done on her suggests that she could have been an engineer, using her talents and knowledge gainfully, instead of wasting herself on these animals. They deserve none of it! It's said they drown when it rains outside for goodness sake!"
At that, he lays his hands upon the desk, ready to deliver his parting shot. "But the greatest sin of all is that this farmer named Rose uses her good looks to drum up monetary support for the buggers. Look at her," he demands, gesturing at her. "Showing off some wrist. I'm sure Farmers Only blokes love donating to her cause, which is good for them; those inane animals are getting nothing from me. Why turkeys?"
His reaction to that video is slightly longer than usual, but it pays off. His channel gets more views and comments, but more importantly, Rose does notice. Her cheeky username appears on YouTube by the end of the day, and he becomes glued to his phone upon receiving the notification.
As he reads her response, he scratches his head. "For your information, Armitage, turkeys are actually intelligent, and it's rude to make fun of them. Just keep this in mind: What do you call a Thanksgiving turkey that comes back to haunt you? A poultry-geist!
Also, I don't just take care of turkeys here with my sister. I care for any animal who doesn't have a home, so if you ever decide you do want to contribute, here's a link to donate…"
When he finishes rereading her response enough times that he is able to memorize it, he stands, pleased with himself. She responded, and he intends to reply back.
If he also does more research on turkeys this time, that's his own business.
The next week, he takes even more care with dressing and grooming, hoping that she watches him again. When it comes time to discuss Rose, he smirks.
"Last week, it appears that many of you enjoyed hearing me spout off about a certain Turkey Farm, asking me to comment on more videos related to that user. You'll be chuffed to learn that I intend to comment on every video Rose Tico releases, and respond to her comments when she posts one of my videos."
With a flourish, he places her screenshotted comment on the screen, reciting the comment from memory for anyone who could not hear it. "My first reaction is that regardless of what she says and what online articles say, you'll never convince me that turkeys are intelligent, so stuff a drumstick in that argument and move on. Second, her pun is terrible and is out of season," he says, giving the camera an exaggerated look of distaste, "so it deserves no further comment. Finally, no, I am not going to bloody donate to turkeys' welfare. I'd rather eat them at a Renaissance festival, even if they are cock-ups and historically incorrect."
To his utter delight, she comments on that video as well, and his increased numbers are forgotten as he reads her comment.
"Turkeys do not deserve your wrath. Pick on something that can fight back, you coward. Stick to more bad puns; you're much better at that. Here's one for you: What do turkeys and people have in common on Thanksgiving?
They both get stuffed!
And if you change your mind about donating, here's the link again…"
"Is she telling me to get stuffed?" he replies out loud, raising an eyebrow. "She's an interesting one, to say the least. I think I'm going to enjoy this year."
He couldn't wait for her to post another video.