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It's been a long time since you walked through the beach. The sand feels oddly warm, slipping away from your toes. It must be the sun’s fault, you concluded, although the sun itself has nearly set down during this time. Despite the looming dark, though, you can still feel the light soothes your back, similar to how the rain drenched your clothes yesterday. Nobody told you Raja Ampat has a very drastic change of weather in September.
You smiled slightly, lips chapped, skin as dry as the sand far away from the shore. You bet not even Kento knew about this peculiar climate, and if he did, he’d be mumbling about how you should have chosen another place to relax, maybe somewhere closer like Hokkaido, or if you were really that bored to go to other countries, maybe Jeju Island would have been the perfect choice.
Oh well, the rice has been washed, and now it’s cooked, placed in a circular shape on your white china plate, so it’s too late to regret. Best for you to enjoy this, so at the very least, he wouldn’t have to complain about you spending your money on this type of “unsatisfactory decision” in the afterlife, something which you bet he would’ve said. Even if you have money (the result of exorcising curses so much you feel like you’ve become one), abundant enough to not worry over the "simple" destination changing, you’d hate to hear him feeling something other than happiness.
But now, in this unknown place filled with unknown people, you really wish he’s here to complain. You wish he’s holding your hand right now, making sure you’re wearing your scarf, making sure you drink enough water. You wish you get to watch the night sky together with him, because for once, there are stars above you. Small glittering lights you’re sure would look amazing if seen from his eyes because Kento’s eyes are the prettiest with glows in them.
You wish he’s here right now.
In the midst of wandering in those cloudy thoughts accompanied by the night breeze, your feet stopped. Your body slowly lowered, and before you knew it, your arms already hugged your trembling knees. Do you really deserve the desire to have Kento beside you right now? Do you deserve calling him Kento at all? You stayed in that position for a while before resuming your walk.
You seemed to hear a low voice near your right ear, mumbling about the temperature, you could imagine him pouting a little (although normally people wouldn’t be able to see him changing his expression at all) and kicking the sand, indicating his discontent. Ieiri always wonders how you are able to guess such little gestures from him, the hints from his body language that couldn’t be caught by a glance, or the clues from the short answers he always gave. And the thing Ieiri always questions you is the reason why despite your extreme familiarity with the man, you still refuse to be in a relationship with him as more than friends. What was your answer that time? Something along the line of “we have no romantic feelings with each other” or other words with similar meaning.
Usually she won’t be able to discuss it further with you because Kento would come to the rescue, he would grab your hand while excusing yourselves from Ieiri. She would snort behind your backs, but you wouldn’t be able to do anything because you have Kento by your side, and everything becomes nothing but his presence beside you. But now, there is no one to grab your hand again.
When Ieiri accompanied you to the airport two weeks ago, she also asked a question. But it’s not a “why”, she said, she doesn’t need to know the reason anymore. A different query fell from her mouth. Voice laced with exhaustion and raspy from the smoke she took everyday.
“Do you regret it now?”
You keep walking through the beach with a slow, sluggish movement. The beach is nearly empty now, and you wonder just how much time you have left until the security asks you to go back. You feel your feet getting more and more painful, so you relented and sat down. Your mind flies again, away from this place full of salt air and corals.
What right do you have to feel regret, actually?
Regret for not answering Kento's proposal? Regret for not taking the flower he gave you? Regret for not hugging him tight before he went to Shibuya? Regret for not making a promise you know you can’t keep?
Of course you regret it. You regret it so deeply, you feel like you could die. The anguish is too unbearable, your heart feels like it will leap out of your mouth so you said nothing since you heard the news.
Nanami Kento, 27-year-old, did not survive the attack. His body disintegrated due to Mahito’s curse.
Saltwater and sand buried your soles, foot cramping from the who knows how long walk you take since you arrived on this beach. You don’t feel like you can walk anymore, the lower part of your summer dress drenched up from the water. You wonder how you would go back to your room later, but you wish to not think about it now. Silently, you wish the water would take your body away from here.
Who knows, maybe your body would float in the middle of the great sea, and you don’t have to think about the man with the blond hair you oh-so-loved ever again.
In fact, you still remember the day even clearer than what food you ate this morning. It was a beautiful night, the wind was breezy enough it made you sigh in content. You remember his outfit, the white shirt (one you got for his birthday), his favorite blazer, together with his tie (one you actually despise, but it’s his favorite so you said nothing).
The only differences you spotted that day were the slight blush on his ears and the huge flower bucket (pink camellia, you realized). You figured wistfully from his outstretched hand, just who’s the lucky girl to be able to receive flowers from the one and only Nanami Kento.
“What’s the meaning of this, Kento?” You asked humorlessly, trying hard to contain the smile, the blush, and the squeal you’re sure to show if not for the immense self-control you foisted. You can’t, you can’t accept this, you told yourself. Don’t be greedy.
Kento coughed, trying to hide his blush and pretended to be nonchalant. Though, he couldn’t hide his slight trembling hands from your guarded self.
“I’ve tried my best to tell you indirectly, since I figured you’d be too shy if I were to be blunt. But you don’t seem to realize it, and, it’s just—” Kento didn’t notice, but your face blanched as you listened more to his uncharacteristic ramblings. Oh no. Please don’t.
Sadly, Kento couldn’t hear your internal conflict, so in the end he sighed and said, “During the time we know each other, my affection for you grows. And it gets to the point where I wish to be more than friends with you. I’d like to ask you if you’re also willing to experience this relationship with me.”
Despite the irksome struggle to gain full control of yourself instead of grinning and jumping wildly like a monkey, you can’t help but to smile a little at his words. Even his confession sounds so formal.
But this relationship he asked of you, you wonder if you can fulfill it to the best of your abilities.
Thus, instead of screaming the word “yes!” like your heart wants you to, the words coming out of your mouth was, “Are you sure you want to be with me, Kento-san?”
Ieiri once told you to enjoy life a little, that as girls who unfortunately are able to exorcise curses in the middle of men with zero brains and negative emotional juice (“Except Nanami, of course,” she said immediately, not that you cared), you should live to the fullest and say yes to whatever good things are given to you. And a formal declaration of affection from Kento is definitely one of those good things.
But still, are you sure you can take this favor whatever gods up there have thrown at you?
If Kento was surprised by your question, he didn’t show it. The pink camellias he brought were still being handed out to you, his hand now gained its insane stability. “I’m afraid I can’t give an answer that can satisfy your curiosity. It’s just that, for as long as we know each other, I only wish to be able to care for you, and in order to do that, I want to be closer with you. It will be a pleasant thing, of course, if you also desire the same thing for me.”
Right now, though, you desire nothing but to close your ears tightly. Hoping to never hear those words he uttered so softly it made your legs weak. No, please, don’t say you love me. You pleaded to him in your heart, but none of it entered his ears, and as he finished his words full of affection, he told you something you both wished for but also scared of the most.
“I’m in love with you.”
He told you with such clarity, such conclusiveness, you wonder if by saying that, he also swore to never proclaim it to anyone but you. Thankfully (or is it disappointingly, you wonder), before that question popped out of your mouth, the scaredy cat side of yours spoke first.
Don’t be greedy, it said. You won’t be able to give him what he wants, so don’t agree.
“I’m— I’m sorry…” The words came out of your mouth before you knew it. By then, your eyes widened, almost watery at the sight of Kento lowering his hand, slowly with a flavor of dejection you couldn’t quite see. Those flowers didn’t ask for you to take them anymore.
He pushed his uncrooked glasses, and that’s how you know he felt disconcerted by your words. His other hand clenched slightly, while the one holding the flowers swayed, as if he almost fell if not for his quick reflex. A thousandth apology was said in your heart, though you know he’d never hear them.
“I understand,” he started, and you swore you could hear the frail tremble in his voice. “Perhaps this is too sudden for you, and maybe you need more time to think about it?”
Ah, you thought. There it is, the rarely-heard hopeful tone of his.
You wish to do nothing but run away by now, so you nodded quickly. And in the flurry of your jittery “goodbye!” and his exasperated “take care of your steps,” you walked away in hurried steps, forgetting to even take the flowers from the man you loved more than the world itself.
If only you could travel back in time, you would’ve hugged him so hard he lost his breath (in a good way). You would apologize earnestly to him, about how you’re sorry he hadn’t been able to be happy in his last moments because of something that’s entirely yours to blame at.
You would’ve answered his confession, saying how you already devoted yourself to him right after he gave you his milk bread (which you knew much later was his most favorite one) because you woke up late and wrapped you up in a blanket when you accidentally fell asleep after work. You would spill out the things you like about him (everything, you like everything about him, except that awful tie of his, but you're willing to compromise) and how you knew he’s the one, and yet, you weren’t able to accept you right away because of your far too vulnerable, too sensitive self.
But now he’s gone and no one would listen to you, nothing but the waves and the sand and the breeze that somehow carries a salty yet slightly sweet scent that you’re so sure Kento would’ve loved.
The night sky seemed to ask you, what would you tell Kento if only he appeared in front of you right now? You said, you would tell everything to him. From the unbearable fondness you’ve always felt in your heart at the sight of his figure, to the aching pain you felt as you realized how you wouldn’t be able to love someone back completely because you couldn’t let yourself fall for someone or you’d fall down far too bad for you to save yourself.
Because love is a poison. A poison that took apart your parents, the menace that broke down your siblings and friends so badly, they can’t be considered normal anymore. And you’re not sure if loving him would end up as fascinating as love told from the fairytales or if it’d end up with you jumping off the ledge and crawling back in as long as he told you to, because you loved him very, very much.
But now that he’s no longer by your side, you wondered if it would’ve been better to be told to jump off the ledge instead as long as you got to be with him for a little while longer.
Nanami, Nanami Kento, your heart chants repeatedly as if by saying that you could see his face again. You felt your back float up as the seawater seemed to bring you farther and farther away from the shore. The only thing you see is the big night sky, the only sensation you feel is the night breeze carrying something sweet (but salty) scent which fills up your lungs, your mouth tasted something saline, whether it’s the sea or your tears, you don’t know.
What you do know is how you long to ruffle his weirdly soft hair and how you’d wish to listen to him calling out your name again.
A corner of your heart wondered if Ieiri is getting annoyed with you running away now. She texted you that she already booked a plane ticket for you tomorrow and that you better go home as soon as possible because you still have her, you don’t have to suffer alone because both of you lost someone important and that two is better than one. It’s such a shame that she won’t be able to hear your answer, though.
I don’t want to go home yet, Ieiri.