Chapter Text
PART ONE: THE CLOSET
A loud crash jolted Toby awake. “What the fuck?” His eyelids were heavy and the room was a blur to his pale blue eyes as he climbed from beneath the blankets, clad only in a pair of underwear, and staggered through the piles of laundry and trash on the floor. Running a hand through his shaggy blonde hair, he glanced at the clock. 11:11. He knew that it couldn’t be Jay, who wouldn't be home until morning. He thought it might have been one of the various lowlifes that Jay had been known to drag into the apartment.
Initially, Toby couldn’t discern where the noise had originated, but he stopped cold when he heard whispers emanating from within the closet. Suddenly, he was wide awake, a rush of adrenaline coursing through his veins. Tiptoeing through the debris, he gently pressed his ear to the door and the whispering abruptly ceased. He listened intently for a moment before building up the courage to twist the knob and fling the door open, hoping to take the intruders by surprise. Assessing the small space, he saw nothing out of the ordinary -- a lot of empty hangers, scattered clothing, and junk on the floor and shelf -- so he temporarily breathed a sigh of relief.
Then a squeaky voice pierced the silence. “Hello, Tobias!” A pile of clothing began to wriggle and sway as a small rag doll with fiery yarn hair began to emerge from it. The doll stood up, straightened her floral frock, and announced, “I’m Raggedy Ann!” Completely freaked out, Toby reflexively kicked the doll and she went careening into the back wall as he slammed the closet door.
Toby’s mind raced as he tried to concoct a rational explanation for what had just occurred. “Jay got in a new batch of shrooms, I watched Chucky, and now I’m having a bad trip. Yeah, that’s it, this isn’t real, it’s just the psilocybin.”
There was another clatter in the closet, and the knob began to twist one way and then the other until the latch finally clicked. With her mitts on the knob and using her feet to propel the door open, Raggedy Ann emerged and dropped to the floor. “That wasn’t very nice, Tobias!”
“I’m sorry, you scared the shit outta me!”
“When someone scares you, you kick them in the face? Boy, have you got issues!”
Toby clenched his eyes shut. “This isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening!” He cautiously opened his right eye and saw the doll staring blankly back at him.
“This is happening,” she declared.
“What the fuck do you want from me?”
“I’m here to help you transition to a better place -- and ANY place would be better than this!” she exclaimed, surveying the room. “Don’t you ever clean?”
“Sorry, I had to let the maid go,” he quipped.
“You had a maid? I’ll bet she got fed up and quit!”
“What do you mean, ‘transition to a better place?’ That makes it sound like I’m…”
“Dead,” the doll responded.
“I’m not dead!”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not!”
“Yes, you are.”
“No, I’m not!”
“Yes, you are. Look!” She motioned toward the bed, where one bare foot protruded from the blanket. Toby stared in disbelief for a moment before approaching the bed and jerking back the covers. Sure enough, he was looking down at his own cadaver, which was staring up at him with blank eyes, face and chest covered with bile. He was so startled that he staggered backward, lost his balance, and crashed to the floor. “Get your bony butt off me!” Raggedy Ann cried. Still in shock, he rolled sideways and freed the doll.
“What the fuck is going on?!”
Raggedy Ann reached into a pocket on her apron, pulled out a piece of paper, unfolded it, and began to read. “Let’s see… ‘Tobias Gibson, age 27. Cause of death: Intracranial aneurysm.’ Oh my, that’s terrible!”
Toby suddenly remembered the blinding headache, stumbling to the toilet to puke, not making it, and barfing all over his clothes, which he stripped off and left in the bathroom. He recalled falling down on his way back to the bed, and ultimately pulling the blankets over his face, wishing he was dead.
"I got my wish."
"What wish?"
"To die. To sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream... Oh God, you're the dream. I should've made a better wish."
"Why would you wish to be dead?"
“Cuz life sucks,” he replied, tears cascading down his cheeks. “Or sucked, I guess. I was bullied, lost my parents, lost my girlfriend, quit school, work a dead-end job in a grocery store, and only have one friend -- and I know he’s not good for me, but he’s all I have. Or had, I guess. Shit, I was all he had too. Jay’s not gonna take this well.”
“Oh, I’m sure he’ll be okay. You’re taking it well,” Ann replied.
“It’s what I wanted. Careful what you wish for, right? I spent my whole life cursed by bad luck.”
“Well, I’m here now, and your luck’s about to change!”
“How can my luck change if I’m already dead?”
“Death is a new beginning, a chance to start over, a grand adventure!” she said cheerfully.
Toby rolled over and buried his tear-soaked face in a pile of dirty clothes. “Just go away and let me rot with my corpse.”
“Oh, Tobias, I can’t do that! This is my job, but I wouldn’t leave you alone now, even if it wasn’t. You need a friend, one who IS good for you.”
“It’s TOBY! My mom was the only one who ever called me Tobias. And the jerks at school who used to tease me.
“I’m sorry, Toby,” she said sincerely, “I didn’t know. Kids can be cruel. Life can be cruel. But life is over and you’ve got me now -- and I’m never cruel!”
“Great. So now I get to spend eternity with some freaky little doll. Isn’t this supposed to be the Grim Reaper’s job?”
“I’m going to let the insult slide because I know you’re upset,” Ann remarked, clearly hurt. “The Grim Reaper retired centuries ago. His successor was General D., who was a REAL rat! The General abused his powers, enslaved souls, and forced little girls to marry him. You wanna talk about FREAKY! But he was recently imprisoned by The Afterlife Committee and I was appointed to take his place.”
“Yeah, why you?”
“Because I’m pure of heart and could never be corrupted. And I once sacrificed myself to save a dying little girl. Her name was Marcella, her Poppa made me. I was only make-believe then, but Marcella’s love made me real and helped me to escape General D.’s clutches.”
From the corner of his eye, Toby saw something streak from the closet to the other side of the bed. “Oh shit, it’s General D!” he squealed.
“No, that’s not the General, but he is a rat, alright. That’s my brother, Andy. He’s not as pure of heart as I am.”
“You bet your sweet bippy I’m not!” Andy shouted.
“In fact, he’s often a lot of trouble.”
“Trouble? I’m no trouble! Hey Tobes, got any dynamite?”
“Why would I have dynamite?”
“To get this party started with a bang! Oooooh, that’s even better!”
Beside the bed, there was a spark of light followed by a gurgling sound -- a sound that Toby was intimately familiar with. On his hands and knees, Toby crawled around the corner and saw a male doll in an old-fashioned sailor suit clutching a lighter in one hand and sucking off his bong. Andy blew a puff of smoke at the young man and declared, “Man, this is some tasty weed!”
“Noooo, not the devil’s lettuce!” his sister yelled. “Andrew, you shouldn’t be doing drugs!”
“What drugs? This is weed. Aptly named, it’s natural, grows in the ground. Besides, it’s just gonna go to waste now that the kid’s dead. Sorry about that, man.” Andy dropped the lighter, set down the bong, and sized up the room. “Wow, I really dig your decor, Tobes, a guy could feel real at home here.” Andy took a few steps, entranced by a Labyrinth movie poster, and his feet got tangled in a pair of boxer shorts, which knocked him off balance and onto his face. The doll began jittering his boneless legs unnaturally until the garment became dislodged and whizzed across the room, landing on the edge of the dresser. “There, now it feels even homier,” he proclaimed, breaking into hysterical laughter that was so infectious that Toby couldn’t help but laugh too.
Ann was not so amused. “Andrew, we don’t have time for your shenanigans, we have to get Toby to The Corridor of Light.”
“Ah, what’s the worst that could happen?”
“Toby could be permanently trapped as an earthbound emanation and I could lose my new job.”
“Don’t get your bloomers in a bunch, sis. As long as we steer clear of Loonie Land and the Grisly Woods, we’ll make it there in plenty of time!”
“What’s The Corridor of Light?” Toby asked.
“It’s the source of all life, kiddo,” Raggedy Ann said sincerely. “We’re all birthed from the light, and we ultimately return to the light to be reborn again.”
“Then you can count me out. I don’t want to be reborn again. I didn’t want to be here the first time. I just want it to be over.”
“I hear ya, buddy,” Andy interjected. “But we’ve been told that things get a little better each time you pass through the light.”
“You could come back as a king!” Ann declared.
“Or an earthworm,” Andy suggested.
Annoyed, Ann mused, “How is an earthworm better?”
“Well, it beats being a king! Sure you’ve got riches and people to wait on you, but those same people are depending on you -- you’ve got responsibilities, tough calls to make. An earthworm doesn’t have any responsibilities, there’s no one to bother it, it just burrows underground and occasionally mates with itself. I aspire to be an earthworm someday.”
“Then I hope you get gobbled down by a hungry bird,” Ann retorted. “Come on, boys, we’ve gotta get going,” she said, shuffling toward the closet.
“Um, that’s not an exit,” Toby declared.
“Shows what you know! Inside of every closet and under every bed is a passageway to The Land of Make Believe, and that’s where you have to go to get to The Corridor of Light. Andy, give me a hand.” The dolls entered the closet, pushed back a pile of clothes, and lifted the floorboards, revealing a bright yellow tube that seemed to stretch into infinity.
“Well, that’s cool,” Toby remarked, peering into the small space, “but I’ll never fit in there.”
“Oh, you’ll fit,” replied Ann, letting go of the board, which snapped on Andy’s mitten.
“Annie, when you said to give you a hand, this is not what I had in mind,” he said, trying to tug himself free.
“Quit tugging or you’ll rip your stitches out again! Alright, kiddo, you’d better put some clothes on before we go. It might be cold, and I didn’t want to say anything, but from down here, I can see your, uh…”
Toby grabbed his baggy boxer shorts and pulled the legs tight. Andy burst into laughter. “What are you hiding for, Tobes? If I had a set of those, I’d be showing ‘em to everybody!” Chuckling, Andy threw himself onto his back with a loud RIP! He picked up his arm and looked at the mound of cotton protruding from his wrist. “Oops, I did it again!” As Andy rolled on the closet floor giggling like a lunatic and Toby picked up various garments and sniffed them, Ann raced to the floorboards to try to retrieve the hand but discovered it had been swallowed by the tubing.
“Well, now you’ve done it! I can’t sew your hand back on if there’s no hand to sew back on! You’d better hope that we find it before we get to Apple Valley and that all of your stuffing doesn’t fall out in the meantime!”
Toby pulled on a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, slipped his feet into a pair of loafers, grabbed a safety pin from the nightstand, sat back on the floor, and proceeded to close the wound on Andy’s hand. The little doll restrained himself from making a sound, despite the fact that it hurt each time his cloth wrist was pricked by the pin.
The young man rose, walked back to the bed, and took a final look at his corpse, tears welling in his eyes. Raggedy Ann tugged at the leg of his jeans. “That’s not you anymore, kiddo. All the heartache and misery that that man felt has ended. Bigger and brighter days are ahead for his soul!” Toby lifted the blankets, covered the body, and rubbed the tears from his face.
“Alright, I’m ready to go. Cuz clearly, I’m insane.” Ann reached into her dress and pulled out a giant golden knitting needle. “Yup, I was right. You’re Chucky’s sister, and you came to stab me to death.”
“I don’t know who this Chucky is, but I’m ANDY’s sister--”
“Andy Barclay, the boy Chucky wants to possess?”
“What are you talking about?! People possess dolls, dolls don't possess people!"
"Not that kind of possession. Clearly, you haven't seen Chucky."
"I’m RAGGEDY Andy’s sister, and I most certainly am not going to stab you. This is my magic wand, silly!”
“My mother crocheted. It’s a knitting needle. Like the kind they use in horror movies to gouge out people’s eyes.”
“You have to use your imagination, Toby! This is exactly why you were so miserable in life. You expected the worst from every situation, so you were never disappointed.”
“Then just gouge out my eyes and get it over with already.”
Ann threw back her head in exasperation before waving her golden wand and shouting the magic words: “Abra Cadabra!”
"Shouldn't that be abra cadaver?" Toby was overwhelmed by a tingling sensation as everything in the room seemed to grow larger, and before he knew what was happening, he was the same size as the dolls. Once he was on her level, Ann didn’t seem so freaky. In fact, he noticed that she was kind of pretty -- but he felt creepy for having this thought and tried to push it out of his mind.
“Let’s go to Wonderland, Alice,” Andy said, motioning toward the floor with his stumpy wrist.
Toby helped the dolls peel up the floorboards, and Andy descended the slide first, hoping to find his hand lodged somewhere in the tubing. Toby tried to let Ann go next, but she wouldn’t hear of it. “You’ll be safer between us, kiddo. Take a deep breath, it’s a long way down.” Toby sat on the edge of the floor, dangled his legs in the tubing, huffed in a deep whiff of oxygen, then instantly realized this was pointless if he was dead. Ann gave him a little push, and as he went barreling through the tubing, she shouted, “I’ll see you outside Apple Valley!” Raggedy Ann looked around the room once more and sighed. “I hope we make it in time. This boy deserves better than he’s gotten.” She tossed her rag legs onto the slide, began her descent, and the floorboard snapped closed above her.
It wouldn’t be long until Jay would barge in and discover Toby’s lifeless body. And just as Toby predicted, he would not take it well. In fact, he took it very, very badly.
PART TWO: YUM-YUM, THE BAT
A swirling mass of colors filled his vision as Toby descended the magical slide. At first, he felt sick, but as he circled and zigzagged and careened through the seemingly endless tube, he felt a rush of happiness. This was more exciting than any theme park ride, better than any natural or chemical high that he’d ever experienced. All he knew of his destination was that it was called Apple Valley, and he didn’t know if he’d arrive in seconds, minutes, or hours, but he had a determination to enjoy the trip.
Raggedy Ann had become accustomed to traveling this way, which took some of the thrills away, and her little cotton mind was clouded with worries and fears. In more than a century since her creation, the little doll had grown very wise, but this was her first time escorting a soul to The Light. Surely millions more would follow, but only if she got it right the first time. Mrs. Topps, the Chairwoman of The Afterlife Committee, had inundated her with warnings. The first was that some souls would be resistant to making the trip to The Light, but this was an obstacle that she’d seemed to overcome. The direst was that if they didn’t reach the Corridor in seven days' time, it would become impenetrable to the spirit, who would be forced to live as a ghost. This was the caveat that General D. had used to his advantage. When he stopped escorting the deceased to The Light, he was able to trap their spirits and force them to join his Army of the Dead. And that had nearly ended in disaster for the whole of creation, both real and imagined.
As he grew nearer to The Land of Make Believe, the top of the tubing disappeared and it became an open slide, allowing Toby to take in the view. He could see The Greedy joyously devouring himself in the Taffy Pit, the birds in Crowville decorating their nests with stolen jewels, the residents of SeeSaw Land bobbing up and down on their wooden planks, the paper dragon roasting marshmallows with his fiery breath, The Pomegranate Pirates sailing across The Pink Lemonade Lake, Sir Leonard Loonie clad in armor, riding backward on the Sleepy Wooden Horse through The Grisly Woods. “Yup,” Toby said to himself, “I’m definitely shrooming.”
Miles below, Andy reached the bottom of the slide, which ended in a bouncy palace that was set up to cushion the fall. Still stoned, Andy couldn’t resist doing somersaults in the rubbery balloon castle. As he sprang and contorted his boneless body, the safety pin on his wrist popped open and began piercing the floor, walls, and ceiling, but Raggedy Andy was having too much fun to notice.
A few moments later, Toby flew off the end of the slide and crashed into the doll, the young man’s weight causing all of the pinpricks to burst open with a giant POP! The fortress deflated in an instant. As the boys struggled to escape this plastic nightmare, Ann hit the end of the slide, pinged the top of Toby’s head, and knocked him down as she went tumbling onto the lawn like a rolling ball. Recognizing her brother’s handiwork, she cried, “Andy, what did you do?!”
Toby emerged from the rubbery mass, but he heard Andy squealing for help, so he lifted the roof and headed back in to find his new friend. As he pushed up on the plastic, he found Andy dangling, literally pinned to the ceiling, so he pulled the doll free, clasped the safety pin (which took significantly more force at this size), and the boys soon emerged.
“Andy, you could have killed us all!” Ann exclaimed.
“It wasn’t my fault that the stupid pin popped open!” he argued.
“It was my fault,” Toby said solemnly. “I shouldn’t have put the pin in his wrist.”
“He shouldn’t have ripped his hand off!”
“Well, you shouldn’t have let go of the floorboard!”
There was a shrill giggling squeal overhead as Yum-Yum the Bat descended from the sky. She was a beautiful, humanistic creature, with arms below her wings, and slicked-back short black hair streaked with patches of white. “Raggedy Ann and Raggedy Andy are arguing. Some things never change.”
“Oh boy, just what we need,” Andy said, knocking his head against the ground. “What do YOU want?”
“How about a little gratitude?” Yum-Yum asked, pulling Andy’s severed hand from underneath her wing and wagging it at him. Andy jumped up, and took a swipe, attempting to snatch his hand away from her, but the Bat gently flapped her wings and glided out of his path, causing the doll to plop on his face. “Finders keepers.”
“That’s my personal property, and I want it back!” he yelled, taking a few more pointless swings.
Yum-Yum’s eyes narrowed. “I’ll give it back to you for a kiss.”
“I already told you, I don’t make out with boys.”
“I am a LADY!”
“Yeah, so’s RuPaul.”
Appalled by this comparison, Yum-Yum jutted upward and hovered above Andy’s head. “I think I’ll go drop this in The Taffy Pit and let The Greedy munch on it until the end of time.”
“Fine,” Andy retorted. “I’ll get Maxi-Fixit to make me a new hand. He’s been doing amazing things with prosthetics lately. Might even get me a Terminator model.”
“Please, Yum-Yum,” Raggedy Ann interjected, “we have a long journey to make, little time to do it in, and it would be easier for me if this brat had his hand back.”
Piping in, Toby remarked, “I’ll kiss her.”
Yum-Yum’s anger instantly dissipated as she flew down and encircled Toby, sizing him up. “Finally, a REAL man.”
“Uh, Tobes, she used to be a REAL man too.”
Toby was a little smitten. “Well, she looks like a lady to me. And a very pretty one.” So overcome by emotion, Yum-Yum lunged at Toby with such force that she knocked him off his feet as she locked lips with the young man.
“Great, not only is the kid into transgender bestiality, but now he’s picking up a coronavirus.” Yum-Yum broke her liplock and hurled Andy’s hand straight as his head like a baseball, which made him yelp and Ann giggle. Ann tugged out some of her heartstrings, pulled a needle from her pocket, strained to pull the safety pin out, and began stitching Andy’s hand back on.
“You’re a pretty good kisser,” the Bat remarked.
“Not as good as you,” Toby replied sincerely. The Bat blushed and tried to help the young man to his feet, but he locked his knees to his chest and remarked, “I need a minute.” This pleased Yum-Yum even more.
“So what brings you to The Land of Make Believe, stud?”
“I died.”
“Me too! Wow, we have so much in common!”
“Yeah, like your--” Ann smashed her hand against Andy’s mouth before he could finish this sentence.
“We’re escorting Toby to The Corridor of Light to be reborn,” Ann declared.
“Oh, your first assignment!” the Bat exclaimed. “Congratulation, Annie!” Turning back to Toby, she remarked, “General D. brought me to The Light when I was a canary, but once I returned in this body, he refused to let me go. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been murdered by that tyrant.”
“How could you die if you were already dead?” Toby puzzled.
“Forget what you think you know about logic. Those kinds of rules don’t apply in this place.”
“Well, we still have a long journey to make,” Ann began, “so we’d better be on our way. Don’t you have something you’d like to say to Yum-Yum, Andrew?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry that none of those deaths stuck.” Ann jabbed her needle straight through Andy’s palm. “OW! I mean, thank you for returning my hand… ma’am.” Ann bit off the thread, pulled out the needle, and placed it back in her pocket.
Turning back to Toby, the Bat replied, “Well, it was my pleasure.” Giving him another once over, she asked, “You okay to stand up now?” Toby nodded, so she offered her hand and helped him to his feet. “If you don’t make it to The Light in time, I’ll see ya around, stud. If you do, I’ll see you in another life -- and that’s a promise!” With that, the Bat hurled herself into the heavens, became a tiny speck, and then disappeared. It had been many years since anyone had shown Toby that kind of affection, so he felt a rush of sadness watching her vanish.
“Good riddance, Tobes, that chick is BAD NEWS!”
“She’s not so bad,” Ann argued. “We couldn’t have won the war without her.”
“Exactly, she’s a traitor!”
“What war?” Toby asked.
“It’s a long story, kiddo. We’ll have to tell you about it on the way.” Pointing to a path between the trees, Ann remarked, “Apple Valley is down that way.” Raggedy Ann marched ahead with Raggedy Andy following and Toby loping behind, glancing into the skies for signs of Yum-Yum.
PART THREE: THE PLEXIGLASS DIVING BELL
The Afterlife Committee had quite an ordeal trying to decide what to do with General D. following the Great War. Among the many magical items that his minions pilfered was Merlin’s spellbook, which he’d used for countless sinister misdeeds, the worst of which was granting himself immortality. It would require very powerful magic to reverse this spell, but since no one knew where he had squirreled away the mystical tome, they were powerless to break it.
Being a rat, General D. couldn’t be contained within a traditional prison. Whether made of mortar and brick, lead, or metal, the scoundrel would eventually be able to chew and claw his way to freedom. It was proposed that he remained shackled tightly to the wall, as he had been for the first two months of his imprisonment, but he had convinced The Ethics Committee that this was cruel and inhumane treatment. They overlooked the fact that he was inhuman.
It was ultimately decided to encase him within a dry plexiglass diving bell, which was anchored in the very center of the Pink Lemonade Lake. This wasn’t a permanent solution, but it was the best that anyone could think of. Although not impossible, the rat would have difficulty gnawing through the glass, the merfolk of the lake could keep a watchful eye on him, and if he escaped, it would take days for him to reach the shore, with nowhere to hide. Once a month, the bell was raised to the surface by The Toy Soldier Army, who made the General shackle himself before they came in to remove excrement and provide a fresh stack of bones and wood to file down his teeth. Today was the day, and the soldiers were unaware that there was a traitor among them.
Cap’n Beauregard Tintoy was perceived as the hero of The Great War, but only because no one knew the full story. Everybody believed that The Battle of Toybox Terrace was won when the Cap’n captured General D. The truth was that the General knew the war was coming to an end and he would not be victorious, so he sacrificed his own men, enchanted the Cap’n with a spell that he’d memorized, and hid within his chest The Eye of Suroh, a magical ring that allowed him to gaze anywhere in the universe.
Being a rodent, General D. was accustomed to tight spaces, but he loathed the lack of privacy that the plexiglass encasing provided. The merfolk are a very social species who do not require sleep, so they’re always flitting to and fro on their various adventures, which the General deemed contemptible. He required sleep for three-fourths of the day -- although he’d been getting far less as of late. If he wasn’t being startled by pointless underwater hijinks (like a birthday parade, which filled the rat with particular disdain), then he felt eyes leering upon him, as if he were a caged animal in a zoo, existing solely for the amusement of others. He had always suffered from ill-temper, and this only served to amplify it, so he now spent his waking hours sullen and hostile, plotting revenge against those who had wronged him. Topping his list was the traitorous Yum-Yum, and trailing close behind were Raggedy Ann and her Uncle Clem. He yearned to make them suffer as he was suffering.
Today, the General stared intently at the pink waters below for signs of Maury the merman, who was sure to arrive soon to detach the diving bell from its anchor so the soldiers could hoist it topside for disinfection. He watched and he waited.
PART FOUR: APPLE VALLEY
The trail to Apple Valley was longer than Toby had imagined - it snaked and zigzagged through the trees and around ravines - and his mind was abuzz with questions. He wanted to know more about The Corridor of Light but concluded that the little dolls couldn’t provide more information than they already had. But Yum-Yum had passed through it, and he wished that he’d thought to ask her more. He wondered about The Great War, but this was clearly a sore subject for Raggedy Ann, who fell silent as soon as they’d begun down the trail. Finally breaking the silence, Toby asked, “So what was the deal with the big pirate ship? Are there pirates here?”
“Aw, they’re a bunch of girls,” Andy remarked, “just playing at being tough guys.”
Toby thought that this was another gay slam, so he quickly attempted to change the subject. “Aren’t we close to that big dragon that I saw?”
“Not far,” Raggedy Ann replied. “But don’t worry, he likes people.”
“Don’t get any ideas though,” Andy added. “I know you think nothing of species or gender barriers, but he doesn’t like people THAT way.”
“Oh, Andrew!”
Toby snapped. “Look Andy, I consider myself a straight guy, but I thought Yum-Yum was pretty, I was trying to help you get your hand back, and she was into me -- nobody’s ever into me! And for one tiny moment, I felt good about myself. So I don’t care if she’s packing a foot-long-dong, I’ll happily bend over and take it, and be grateful to get it!”
“You can’t help who you’re attracted to,” Annie remarked, knowing more than she was willing to say in front of Toby.
“Exactly! So what difference does it make to you, anyway, Andy?”
“Doesn’t. It’s just weird when people try to be something different than what they are, that’s all.”
It was eerily silent for the next few minutes as Toby tried to figure out why Andy was teasing him. Jay had taught him that if someone harped on about something like sexuality, it was because that person was trying to mask their own insecurities. Walking behind them, Toby began to notice Raggedy Ann and Andy’s outdated clothing styles, the worn spots in their fabric, the cotton peeking through their seams. “I don’t mean this to sound rude or anything,” Toby began, “but you two are really old, aren’t you?”
“Oh my goodness, yes,” Ann replied. “I don’t know exactly how old we are, but we were made over 100 years ago.”
“Thought so. Well, that explains why Andy’s been deflecting.”
“Deflecting? Whaddya mean I’m deflecting?”
“You’re from another time, and you’re making jokes about Yum-Yum because you feel ashamed about being transgender. It’s okay, man.”
Andy was genuinely confused. “What are you talking about? I’m not transgender!”
“Well, you’re a guy, right?”
“Of course, I’m a guy!”
“Alright, let’s see it then.”
“See what?”
“Let me see your dick.”
Andy was stricken with panic. “No, I’m -- I’m not showing that to you!”
“That’s cuz you don’t have one.”
“No, I have one.”
“Back in my room, you said if you had one, you’d show it to everybody. So show me.”
“I was joking!”
“I’m not. You think I’m queer. Fine. I’m queer, and I think you’re dreamy. I don’t care if it’s big or small, I wanna see what you’ve got going on between your legs, little ragman!” Toby gently tugged at Andy’s pants.
“NOOOOOOOOOOO!”
Toby patted Andy on the back, which made him flinch. “It’s okay, buddy, no judgment. You were created as a toy, and most toys aren’t anatomically correct. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”
But Andy was ashamed, and Toby had struck a deep nerve by bringing up the subject. He’d never thought about himself being trans before, but now it was all he could think of. When he was young and the world was more innocent, Andy neither knew nor cared about genitalia. He knew that one could discern whether animals were boys or girls, but it wasn’t until he was an old toy in his 60s, when Marcella’s granddaughter received Baby Tenderlove and Joey Stivic dolls for her birthday, that Andy learned all males had genitals. He later had encounters with Gay Bob, Billy, and various other male toys who further served to make him feel inadequate.
As they rounded a bend, the bright lights of Apple Valley shone through the trees. Andy was relieved because he didn’t want to continue this conversation, which Ann had known well enough to stay out of. “Ah, we’re here,” Ann declared.
Passing under a tree branch, Toby could finally make out the city, and he was completely in awe of the view. Right before them was an apple that must have been fifty feet in height, and he quickly realized that it wasn’t just a piece of fruit, it had been transformed into a building. “Oh, wow!” The first apple was City Hall, but as they entered the cobblestone streets, he noticed all of the buildings were carved from giant apples. Some had their original red, green, or yellowish tints, others were painted in garish colors. “Are these real apples?” he asked.
“Of course, they’re real!” Ann replied.
“How are they not rotting?”
“Apple Valley is in The Land of Make Believe, silly.”
Toby quickly realized that the buildings were all businesses, many with big curved picture windows to display their wares. Toby was intrigued by a sign boasting a 9-for-1 Sale in the window of Socko’s Sock Shack, so he leered in the window and got an eyeful of a crowd of duck-billed three-legged zorches duking it out over merchandise and piling their apple-shaped shopping carts high with the stockings. A sock puppet was perched at the register looking disheveled, punching buttons on the cash register with his nose.
Next door under a sign reading “Fast and Efficient Manicures,” the tiny wooden twin Penny dolls worked in unison on both hands of a porcelain doll, who lounged in a comfortable chair looking bored.
Suddenly, the sounds of firecrackers pierced the air, making the trio jump and filling Andy with excitement. “Hey, Topsy must’ve gotten in more Whizz-Bangs!” he exclaimed, pointing at Topsy’s Trick Shop, a rainbow-painted apple adorned with the upside-down visage of a grinning jester.
“Absolutely not, Andrew,” Raggedy Ann said, grasping his arm before he could get away. “We’re on a deadline, and we don’t have time for practical jokes.”
“But they might come in handy if we encounter a Loonie.”
“No! We need to make a stop at Susie’s.”
“Oh sure, we get to do YOUR thing.”
“We wouldn’t have to take the time if you hadn’t ripped off your hand!”
“That you slammed in the board,” Andy muttered under his breath.
Toby had no siblings, so he wasn’t accustomed to this sort of petty bickering, and frankly, it made him a little uncomfortable. He’d seen what happened and did feel that Raggedy Ann was at fault, but he didn’t dare say so, in part because he was so intimidated by girls.
Just then, a black-and-white bear whizzed past on a bicycle stacked with boxes. Waving, he declared, “No time to talk! Haste makes waste!” Toby whipped around and saw the name “Panda’s Express Deliveries” on the back of the bear’s vest.
"If you need anything in a hurry, no one gets it to you faster than Panda," Raggedy Ann remarked.
Finally, they arrived at Susie Pincushion’s Fabric Emporium. A bell on the door tingled as Raggedy Ann pushed open the door, and a plump old spinster in a bonnet looked up from the counter with a grin. “Raggedy Ann! Raggedy Andy! It’s so good to see you!” As she glided out to greet them, Toby came to the realization that she had no feet, and he was puzzled by how she was moving. Then he noticed that she wasn’t really so plump, but her crinoline hoop skirt was a literal pincushion adorned with pushpins, sewing needles, and buttons. “And who is this handsome young man?”
“This is Toby,” Raggedy Ann replied, “we’re escorting him to The Corridor of Light.”
“Oh, you’re the first assignment! Hello, Toby,” she remarked, reaching out her hand. He couldn’t have explained why he did it, but he instinctively bowed and kissed her hand as he grasped it. She blushed.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, ma’am.”
“Such manners! And so young! Far too young to be entering The Light! So what brings you all into the shop today?”
“I'd like some dynamite," Raggedy Andy stated.
“You know perfectly well that I don’t stock dynamite.”
“This is only the thousandth time I’ve asked, I thought you’d have ordered some by now! She wouldn't let me stop for Whizz-Bangs.”
“The reason that we’re here is that Andy caused us to have a mishap outside of Apple Valley…” Ann began.
“It wasn’t my fault!”
“...and now my stitching has come loose.” Ann lifted her hair, turned her head, and Susie could see the cotton batting stretching through the seams. “It’s loose all the way down on both sides, and I’m sure Andy could use some repairs too.”
“Of course! Annie, go back there to the work table, take off your dress, and I’ll get you all sewn up. In the meantime, why don’t you boys look around?”
This wasn’t the sort of place that interested Toby. There were no games, no movies, no technological doodads, just bolts of fabric, thread, and yarn overflowing from what seemed like miles of shelves. But he quickly noticed that the fabric had interesting designs -- hearts, flowers, rainbows, cartoon characters -- so he began wandering around looking at them.
Andy had his own agenda. He zeroed in on a shelf filled with white and off-white fabrics, lifted his hand, and began looking for a match. As his plaid sleeve drooped, he noticed that his hands were dingier, the result of much more wear, so he began trying to match the color to his arm instead.
Nothing seemed right to him, so Andy walked through a few aisles until he saw a fabric that was a nearly-perfect color match. The texture was a little different, but that only made it more appealing to him. It was soft, and when he tugged on it, it seemed slightly stretchy. He pulled the bolt down to look at the specifications on the label. 67% fleece, 28% polyester, 5% spandex. Glancing around to ensure that no one was watching, he lifted his shirt, tugged down the front of his pants, and held the fabric up against himself. He didn’t think there could be a more perfect color match. Andy yearned to be a real boy, and now he’d found the material that could make that dream a reality.
He felt a rush of excitement and wanted to run right to the front of the store with the fleece in hand, but shame and embarrassment set in so he began to procrastinate. He glanced around again, pulled the shelf away from the wall, set the bolt of fabric behind it, and pushed the shelf back into place. If he changed his mind, it would still be there.
Then he noticed a sign that said “Vintage Yarn.” Being a boy was one thing, but it would be better to be a man. As he visually surveyed the shelves, he plucked a bit of hair from his head and began looking for a color match. In only a moment, he found the identical type of yarn that had been used to make his hair so many years ago. He wondered if it came from this exact ball. With a grin, he pulled the ball from the shelf just as his sister yelled, “Andrew, Susie’s ready for you!” Panicked and without time to hide this treasure within the store, he stuffed it into his pocket and ran up to Susie’s workstation. He passed his sister at the front counter, and she exclaimed, “Oh my goodness, I feel so much better!” Pulling at her own seams, she cried, “Look, no cotton!”
“That’s great, Annie,” Andy said, his mind preoccupied as he walked behind the screen. Susie’s workstation was similar to a doctor’s examination room, and there were a few shared items such as tongue depressors, which she used for different purposes.
“Alright, Andrew,” Susie said warmly, “Take off your clothes, hop up on the table, and we’ll get you all stitched up.”
Susie once held a place of honor on Poppa’s workbench, so she had been there at the moment of Andy’s creation. She had seen him nude countless times before (after all, he spent more than a year in the buff after Marcella dropped his clothes down the heating duct), but after his conversation with Toby, he felt self-conscious about undressing in front of her. He slowly removed his garments, careful not to let her see the ball of yarn, placed them gently under the table, and hopped upon it.
“Oh good heavens, Andrew! It’s lucky that you came in here when you did, or you might have fallen to pieces a mile down the road! How did you do this to yourself?”
“Well, there was a bouncy castle…”
“I know, your sister told me all about it.”
“Of course she did.”
“Now lie still for a moment,” she said, pulling out her seam ripper and removing the loose thread from the right side of his body.
“Hey Sooz, I was wondering if you could make something for me.”
“If it can be created with a needle and thread, I can make it,” she replied. “What would you like? A new shirt? A baseball? A catcher’s mitt?”
Andy sighed. “No, never mind. I don’t need it,” he replied as she stitched him up. Susie was very old, she was like a mother to him, and he was too embarrassed to speak his mind. He perceived her as very prudish, having no idea that she’d performed surgeries on many other toys who felt as uncomfortable with their bodies as he did. If only he had spoken up, who could have emerged a few minutes later with a new appendage to flaunt and prove that Toby had been wrong about him. Instead, he suffered in silence as Susie ripped out his old seams and stitched him back together again.
Susie did remarkably fast work, and soon Raggedy Ann, Andy, and Toby were on their way, passing Maxi Fixit’s Fix-It Shop, Susan’s Porcelain Repairs, Captain Contagious’s Cure-Alls, and various other storefronts in Apple Valley. They rounded a corner where the street dead-ended at the edge of a field. There stood an enormous crystal carousel.
“It’s here! It’s here!” Raggedy Ann exclaimed. “Come on, kids, it’s time to go!”
“That’s cool,” Toby remarked, “but do we really have time for kiddie rides?”
“It’s not what you think it is,” Andy replied.
As he grew nearer, Toby realized that the shimmery creatures weren’t horses, there were dragons and griffons, centaurs and Sphynx, and various other mythological creatures. Raggedy Ann diverted the young man towards a dragon. “This is Draconious, and he’ll be your ride!” The sheer dragon turned its head, casting reflective rainbows as he nodded and grinned at Toby.
“Oh wow! Pleasure to meet you,” Toby replied, patting the creature’s head. Draconius tossed back his head and smiled.
“Go ahead, climb on his saddle,” Ann instructed as she hopped onto a Phoenix in front of him. The bird flapped its giant wings as she settled in, while Andy straddled a griffon behind Toby.
“No funny business this time, Gorack,” Andy remarked.
“Everybody set?” Ann asked glancing around. “Next stop, The Whispering Forest!”
The carousel sprang to life and the creatures began to bob up and down on their poles. A calliope suddenly blared “Sobre las Olas” (aka “Over the Waves”), a waltz that Toby had heard countless times in cartoons but couldn’t quite place, and Raggedy Ann began to sing…
We’re riding along
On a magical trip toward The Light
I’m singing this song
Knowing everything will work out alright
Hold tight and don’t fear
For I am here with you, my dear
When you are with me
Oh, such magical sights you will see!
Suddenly the carousel began to unwind with Ann’s Phoenix leading the pack as all of the creatures zoomed off in a straight line through the woods.
We’re off and away!
We will get there today!
So let the music just play
And hear all the words that I say!
I’ll keep the monsters at bay!
The skies will no longer be gray!
We’ll follow the sun’s golden rays
And it will be okay!
Like a locomotive, the carousel zoomed along at the speed of light. There was no view off to the sides, so Toby turned around and saw Andy flailing like the ragdoll that he was as the griffon bucked beneath him. Behind him, Toby noticed mysterious boys and girls riding aboard all of the other carousel animals.
Percy Pig was hunting for truffles on the edge of the woods when what looked to him like a rainbow streaked past, and he heard the faint sound of a calliope. He lifted his snout from the dirt and cocked his eye.
Far beneath the crust of The Land of Make Believe, a very old woman stared at toys that had been skinned and were mounted flat against the walls of the cave. She hummed ‘Over the Waves,’ lifted her hand to her cheek, and wiped a tear away, the manacle on her wrist clanking.
PART FIVE: THE ESCAPE
As the plexiglass diving bell ascended through the clear pink waters, General D. paced the perimeter, eagerly anticipating his freedom. He might not have had the clout that he once had, but he still had many tricks up his sleeve, and friends in low places who could aid him as he attempted to reclaim the prestige that he felt he deserved.
Nearing the surface, the still waters were suddenly bursting with violent activity as dozens of tin soldiers flailed about. “Mission accomplished,” the rodent remarked with a sneer as he watched the army helplessly cascade into the depths.
The rat’s eyes had difficulty adjusting to the sun’s blinding rays, but as soon as the pulley stopped on the edge of the barge, he was able to make out the profile of Cap’n Tintoy as the airlock burst open. General D. deeply inhaled the fresh air. “Good work, Cap’n,” the General commended.
“We have to hurry,” the Cap’n remarked. “The diving bell is slowing us down, so if you could just release that pulley. This is a slow-moving vessel, and I fear they’ll be on us before we reach the shore.”
Pointing to a pirate ship in the distance, General D. proclaimed, “That looks like my ride.”
“We can’t board the ship from the barge, and I can’t swim.”
General D. grasped the Cap’n’s chest cavity with both paws, ripped it wide open, and retrieved the ring that he’d hidden inside. “Who said that you were accompanying me?” he mused.
“But if you leave me here, I’ll be arrested!”
“Good point. No need for your oration on this escapade.” With one swift movement, the General lifted the light toy and hurled him into the lake. He spent a few moments gazing into the ring, and then released the pulley, jumped off the barge, and began wriggling through the water.
Unlike his comrades, Cap’n Tintoy didn’t thrash as he plunged through the pink waters, instead, his mind was busy concocting excuses for his reprehensible actions. As he plunged further and further into the lake, he decided that his best excuse was the truth, that he’d been placed under a magic spell.
When he settled onto the seabed, there was a frenzy of activity as the merfolk struggled to rescue the tin soldiers, but the Cap’n just lay on his side, reluctant to get up as he recalled charging the soldiers and pushing them off of the barge. A small shadow loomed larger and larger above him as the diving bell descended, crushed him flat, burying him deep in the sands. It would be many years before the Cap’n was recovered, and with his paint having long been eroded by the acidic lake, he would never have the opportunity to tell his tale.
PART SIX: SALLY MIGRUNDY & RED FANG
As the carousel train began to slow, Toby could see a forest filled with hills and valleys and woodland creatures. When they came to a clearing, the carousel began to spin to its original shape beside a stream, where it gradually crawled to a stop. Within moments, the children had begun to disengage and were making their way towards a small cottage. “What’s with the kids?”
“They’re orphans, many of their parents were lost in the war,” Raggedy Ann replied, “and Sally Migrundy took them in. They went shopping today in Apple Valley, that's how we were able to hitch a ride.”
Through the doorway of the cottage, a small old woman in a bonnet emerged followed by a brown wolf who was dressed in a blue silk gown and wrapped in a matching feather boa. “Oh, no! What’s HE doing here?” Andy asked.
“Sally! Red Fang!” Ann exclaimed.
`The wolf stopped, sniffed the air, violently wagged his tail, and raced straight at Raggedy Ann, whom he knocked down as he soaked her fabric face in puppy kisses.
“I knew he’d be happy to see you,” Sally said with a cackle as she hobbled near.
Red Fang lifted his head and grinned at Andy. “Don’t even think about it, buster!” Andy commanded. The wolf ducked his head, tucked his tail, and whimpered. Suddenly, he took notice of Toby, who reached out his hand for the animal to smell. The wolf darted right past his hand, stuck his nose in the boy’s crotch and sniffed all the way up, then planted a tender lick on his cheek.
“Why are you wearing a dress?” Andy asked, exasperated.
“He’s been playing dress-up with the children,” Sally declared.
“I’m Madam Gisella Antoinette Christel, and I’m on my way to the charity ball,” Red Fang boasted. Andy dropped his head and shook it.
Taking note of Andy’s disapproval, Toby replied, “Pleasure to meet you, Madam Cristel! I’m Sir Engel Richard Beddinghoffer the Fourth. May I have this dance?” The wolf wagged his tail, put his paw in Toby’s hand, hopped up on his hind legs, and waltzed into the clearing with the young man.
“What in the world is happening?!” Andy asked.
“Make believe,” Ann and Sally replied in unison. Sally waved her hand at the carousel. It sprang to life again, and this time Toby sang along with the calliope.
We’re gliding along
On this magical dance through the woods
I’m singing this song
Because I just feel like I should
Hold tight and don’t fear
For I am beside you, my dear
When you are with me
Oh, such magical sights you will see!
Suddenly, children wandered out and began waltzing alongside them, the entire clearing becoming an enormous dance floor. The children continued to sing the song. Toby grinned with satisfaction for what he’d instigated.
We’re off and away!
We are dancing today!
So let the music just play
And hear all the words that I say!
I’ll keep the monsters at bay!
The skies will no longer be gray!
We’ll follow the sun’s golden rays
And it will be okay!
“You’re very light on your feet, Madam Cristel,” Toby remarked.
Dipping him, Red Fang replied, “You are too, Sir Beddinghoffer!”
Shooting Andy a sideways glance as the song ended, Toby dipped Red Fang and planted a big kiss on his snout. Andy’s eyes narrowed. “Oh, it’s on!” he muttered under his breath. The children cheered and applauded as Toby and the Wolf rejoined their friends. “Do you know how many germs there are in the human mouth?” Andy asked.
“Millions,” Toby replied. “But what difference does it make? I’m dead.”
“Which means there are probably HUNDREDS of millions in yours!”
Just wanting to be part of the conversation, Red Fang remarked, “Sometimes I lick my butthole!” Andy’s mouth dropped and Ann’s eyes veered toward her still-soaked cheek.
“That’s just what puppies do,” Sally remarked, patting the Wolf on the head. “So, why don’t you all come inside for a chat?”
“Thank you,” Ann replied, “but we really should be on our way.”
“You don’t understand, my dear,” the old woman said solemnly, “that was not a request.”
As the quintet made their way toward the cottage, Andy unnaturally maneuvered his rag leg in front of Toby, who tripped and stumbled to maintain his footing. Both Ann and Red Fang shot him nasty looks, which made Andy feel a pang of guilt.
PART SEVEN: THE EMPRESS OF ALL
As the boulder slid away from the entrance, the old woman heaved in a breath of oxygen. “It gets hard to breathe in here sometimes.
“I know, honey,” the Empress remarked condescendingly, “that’s kind of the point. I’ve just come to ensure you’re doing miserably today.” The Empress was a lovely young woman, perfectly preserved at 18-years-old with long curly locks weighed down by a giant golden crown, which nearly slipped off her head as she whipped around looking for something to make her happy. “Awwww, did you wet yourself?:” she mused while looking at the soiled spot that surrounded the old woman.
“I couldn’t help it, your Majesty. No one would come.”
The Empress giggled. “Oh, that is delightful! Maybe you’ll grow some sort of nasty infection!”
“Please, may I take a bath?” the old woman asked. “You know that I won’t try to escape. My feet are too swollen from immobility.”
“I know, it’s so much easier when the prisoners are complacent. No, I think I’m going to just leave you there to stew in your own juices, as it were.”
A patchwork skin that was mounted on the wall began violently barking and growling at The Empress. “You get no say, Arthur, and if you persist, I’ll have you cut down and mounted in smaller pieces. Or maybe I’ll just snip your mouth out and throw it in the trash. Let the garbage men listen to you yap.”
“Excuse me, your Majesty,” chimed in a meek British voice, “but it might behoove you to let Marcella wash up.”
“And why is that?” she asked, looking at the caged Teddy Bear beside Marcella's bed.
“If she contracts an infection, she’ll be uncomfortable and cause you more hassle.”
“Well, I suppose you’re right. Looks like you get to keep your stuffing for another day, Teddy, but don’t get used to it. Neddddd!”
In hopped Ned Gnome, a small creature with a long beard and a stovepipe hat, who seemed as if he’d been waiting for his entrance cue just outside the door. “You bellowed, your highness?”
“The old bag peed the bed. Take her to have a bath, get her clean sheets, make her change them, and then wash these ones, they kinda reek. Got it?”
“Yes, your highness.”
“Good, and no funny business this time.”
“No, your highness.”
“Good. Ciao!”
Ned watched for a moment to ensure the Empress was out of earshot, then muttered to himself, “Miserable bitch. Do this, Ned, do that, Ned. Clean up the pissy old woman, Ned!”
Marcella was already embarrassed, but this escalated her shame, and as Ned fumbled to unlock her shackles, she dreaded the thought of him standing over her as she bathed.
PART EIGHT: A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME
General D. wriggled through the lemonade waters en route to the pirate ship. He was old, out of shape, and a less agile swimmer than he’d once been, but he overcame his physical shortcomings with pure determination. Upon reaching the ship, he climbed a rope, and scurried along the side, carefully listening and sneaking fleeting peeks at the ship’s crew, both in person and with the assistance of his magic ring. Each man was sporting what looked like 7-months growth of facial hair, so the General assumed that he was with a rugged crew of scallywags who were accustomed to rowdy adventures. He was aware that his reputation would proceed him, so he intended to use his charms to seduce the pirates to take him to shore through promises of fortune and glory.
Self-assuredly, the General did not use The Eye to search the entire ship before he hopped aboard, or he would have seen the debonair blonde temptress whom the crew affectionately referred to as Captain Babette. This was exactly the sort of thing that the General despised. Soon after he made his presence known, she cut through the crowd, and through a thick French accent, the porcelain doll inquired, “WHO are you?” The rat decided to improvise a cover story.
“Good day, Madame, my name is Demetrius, and I believe that I am the sole survivor of a shipwreck.”
“That is very suspicious,” remarked Babette, sizing him up. “You could have sabotaged your own crew and jumped ship.”
“Oh my, it is a sad state of the world when one automatically assumes the worst about people,” the General began, “but I am just a lowly rowman, I was helpless to stop the accident, and I was only able to survive out of sheer force of will. The first mate almost made it, but I lost him to the tides an hour ago. I’ve been adrift for nine days, I’m exhausted and hungry, and humbly ask that your men will take me to the shore. I want nothing more than to be reunited with my wife, whom I’m certain is worried sick!”
Babette was unsure, but she liked the idea of a quest for love. “Begging your pardon, Captain Babette,” Pirate Charlie began, “but wouldn’t it be a good idea to put this creature below in irons while we search for signs of other survivors?”
“Yes, that seems to be the right thing to do.” The words were barely out of Babette’s mouth before Charlie had slapped a pair of restraints on him. General D. was weary from swimming and thought that he could find another means of escape, but he was unprepared for what occurred next. Babette plucked the ring right from his finger.
“What’s this?” she mused.
“Oh please, miss, it’s a family heirloom of little monetary worth, but immeasurable sentimental value to me.”
“If you’re telling the truth, you can have it back. If I find out that you’re lying to me, it goes with the rest of the treasure.” While General D. was reluctantly heading below deck, Babette gazed into the ring and saw herself reflected. But she quickly realized that she shouldn’t be seeing a reflection of the back of her head. She waved the ring up and down and spun around until she could see herself head-on. There in her line of vision, a giant eyeball in the sky was staring back at her.
“I knew he was lying.”
TO BE CONTINUED...