Work Text:
Flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say.
THEIR COLDEST WINTER.
They knew it wasn’t meant to last forever.
Little laughs and toys that would be scattered around the floor in their living room. A small house that would only be filled with joy and love, but now was empty, cold and dark, just like them.
Eyes red and bodies holding onto each other in search of the comfort that wasn’t there anymore. Both of them felt like their hearts were ripped from their chests as the memory of a beautiful smile was looking at them from the frame of an image that could only bring a thousand deaths every time that they looked at him.
It was the most largest night, trying to get a glimpse of sleep after sending their little one to sleep for an eternity. Feeling like they were living some kind of nightmare when no little body jump on their bed to ask if they would go and play under fluffy clouds and bright sun. Hyunjin would make fun of hair that could only resemble a little lion while Felix would get up and prepare breakfast before sending their loves to get ready for a new day.
They knew it wasn’t meant to last forever.
A history file on some foster house. A little boy with the weight of the world on his small shoulders, hiding the pain under bright smiles and sparkly eyes. From the moment they saw him they knew they found their little treasure, promising him care, love and happiness as they fought to take him home with them.
And it wasn’t easy. Thousands of questions of how two young boys would take care of a little boy that was meant to disappear at some point, but they fought everyone, proving them wrong with stability and faith in a future that they could already see. Months of crying, thinking that it was a lost fight, fighting in the afternoon and crawling back home in the middle of the night.
“We’re gonna make it love, I promise you” said Hyunjin one of those nights.
And it was hard until a phone call was made on March 23rd, dinner getting cold as Felix let the tears of joy fall down, holding a smiling Hyunjin in his arms. And they knew they won a battle with society that night when their eyes couldn’t close and their bodies shook with excitement.
A woman walking down the hallway, holding a baby in her arms. A little boy who shines like the stars in the sky, bigger than the planets in space and beautiful as the sunset that danced for them everyday. Reaching out for him as they got closer.
Big sparkly eyes looking at them and body heat that could only warm their hearts.
“It’s ours, love,” whispered Felix, with his eyes fixed on his little angel, “this is our baby”.
“Yeah,” Hyunjin had said, voice shaking as joy filled his tears, “he’s our family now.”
And it was beautiful watching him grow into something beautiful. Learning how to gravitate around him, late nights with a crying baby but they were happy to wake up just to calm him down, letting him fall asleep on their chests, listening to his little breath as he lost himself in some dream far away from this cruel world.
And it was painful as they drive to the hospital, talking with some stranger about cancer and treatments that were meant to save lives; it was painful as they heard their little boy cry at the other side of the panel glass, screaming for his daddy as some painful needle carved into his skin until it reached his spine. Nails digging into the palms of their hands, fighting against going there and getting their son far away from that room.
And it was hurtful as they went to the same hospital every Thursday afternoon just to sit on a random chair, watching Netflix as the chemo started to do its job on a little boy who didn’t know what was going on, but sitting there like a good boy because it was what he learned over his two short years of life.
“Can we eat nuggets after this daddy?” He would ask from his spot on the chair.
Hyunjin would smile at him, “we can have whatever you want baby, but don’t tell dad I took you for greasy food before eating his vegetables.”
His little baby held a blinding smile as his little finger reached his lips, “yeah!, it’s our secret daddy.”
But it wasn’t a secret because Ronan would get his clothes dirty with ketchup and Felix could only cross his arms with pouting lips as he said:
“You could at least bring me some.”
“We did!,” Ronan would laugh, pointing at his daddy, “but daddy ate them all on the drive home.”
“Hey!,” Hyunjin cried, “why are you throwing me under the bus like that?”
And they will laugh, living in their little bubble until the next appointment to the hospital was made.
Snow was falling outside their house and it was meant to be beautiful with green Christmas trees and presents under the tree, planning dinners and reunions at their parents' houses. But all that they have now was an empty house and two souls that were looking for a sparkle of hope that can make them feel alive again; and it was going to take forever before the daylight reached their home, but until then, they have each other.
It wasn’t meant to last forever. And it was killing them slowly. Lost on a winter as cold as their bodies for now.
…
“I remember your blue eyes looking into mine, like we had our own secret club.”
FELIX’S CLOUDY SPRING.
Being at home is hard nowadays. Learning how to live again as they go to work, getting dinner with their close friends as they try not to fall back into the black hole that they called depression. Crawling back to their bed where they would watch some late night tv shows, talking about their day at work, kissing under the moonlight and going to sleep after pretending to be strong enough while their hearts kept bleeding even after those months of solitude.
It was quiet that day because Felix had a free day and he made a silent promise to himself to be strong enough to grab a box and start to clean Ronan’s room because it was a mess when they last went in there that hurtful morning of December.
Walking inside his room was hell, smelling fruity perfume and toys looking at him from their random spot around the room; shaky legs as he sat down in front of a tiny kitchen that could only bring back memories of happy days when they would pretend to be someone else.
“What would you like to eat sir?” Ronan would ask.
Felix looked at him from his spot on the floor, in front of the plastic kitchenette. He hummed as he thought of some random food.
“I think I would like some noodles with lemonade please.”
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have noodles nor lemonade here.”
Felix gasped, pretending to be horrified by the answer. “So what do you sell here?”
Ronan laughed, “only veggies and milkshakes, would you like some?”
“Well, if that’s all that you have, yes, I would like some.”
“I’m sorry sir,” Ronan would laugh again, this time harder, “but we don’t have food anymore.”
And everytime Felix would pretend to cry when the same answer was thrown at him; he wouldn’t complain, in fact. He would always be happy to play with his little baby at whatever he wanted to play, and it was always fun to be around him. Big imagination going inside his brain as he walks inside their living room, reaching for his dad's hand.
“Dad, come, I want to do an experiment.”
And really, it wasn’t even an experiment while they put cereal on a bowl with water, but everytime Felix would pretend to take notes on how the experiment went; some days, when the sun was shining above them and Ronan would feel tired from his chemotherapy, Felix would drive them into the nearest Chuck E. Cheese, playing around and trying to collect as many tickets as they could. And Ronan holds his hand as he walks them around until they reach the photo booth in the corner of the room.
“Dad, I want to take a picture with you”.
He would sit on his dad’s lap as they both smile for the camera. Making funny faces and laughing as they watch the printed photos, then they will continue playing around, stopping at some point to eat some pizza before deciding it was time to go home, exchanging their tickets with the girl behind the counter.
“What do you want Ronan?”
He would point at the neon pencil, a plastic dinosaur and an eraser with a flower drawing in the middle. Felix would choose the pink cotton candy and finally they would drive back home.
“Dad, can I have some cotton candy?”
“Sure buddy.”
But it wasn’t just a piece of cotton candy as he ate it all, but Felix would let him have it all if it made him happy again and again.
Remembering everything wasn’t easy. And making a bed that wasn’t going to be used ever again was hell, the faint smell of a person that was his, was making his heart ache but he pretended to be strong as he cleaned around the room, putting toys on its place and reaching dirty clothes that were waiting to be cleaned for a few months now.
He didn’t wanted to cry, didn’t wanted to broke down in the middle of their laundry room, scared to lost the remaining memories they had of their beautiful past, but he had promised to be strong enough for them, because he couldn’t bare to be broken anymore, couldn’t stand to go another day with Hyunjin walking on his tiptoes around him, trying to avoid talking about their little kid and the future that was ahead of them. Was tired of their friends not going to their house, too scared of bringing their own kids to Felix and Hyunjin’s house because they didn’t wanted to make them remember what they didn’t have anymore.
But still.
Saying goodbye wasn’t easy and he doubted that they would be as happy as before. Knew that a piece of his heart went away with his little baby boy that day, wasn’t easy to wake up and remember that they were still parents of a kid that wasn’t with them anymore, that they would be parents of an angel until the end of their lives and no amount of effort they put on living their lives would make them happier suddenly, it was going to be hell forever, but at least they were starting to try and live again.
And he didn’t know when, but he found himself crying in their living room as he hid his face in his hands. Chest burning and body shaking with the hurtful tears that were falling down his cheeks, couldn’t hear anything besides his screams of pain.
My little baby isn’t here anymore. How am I supposed to live again without him?
Trying to calm down until a pair of arms held him against a warm chest and Felix let himself cry on his lover’s neck. Feeling Hyunjin’s hands patting his back and his lips kissing his hair. A silent reminder that he wasn’t alone, that there was someone else feeling as dead as him, someone who would always hold his hand and was willing to walk the hard path with him.
“Everything’s going to be fine love.”
Being at home was hard nowadays, but they were learning how to make it easy again.
…
“What if I'm standing in your closet, trying to talk to you?“
HYUNJIN’S HARD SUMMER.
There were good and bad days now. Living a life that was slowly being filled with new memories out of the blue ones that haunted them at night. They were learning how to walk away from the pain that was living in their chests and it was hard for a long time, but now it was easier to laugh about stories of their days at work. Watching movies in their living room was becoming a habit every Friday.
But even then…
There were bad days in which not even summer days could warm his body. Days where he would found himself inside his kid’s closet, staring at the clothes that were hanging in there, waiting to be used once more; he wouldn’t do it with Felix around the house, instead he would wait until he was alone to sit there for hours, losing himself in memories of lazy saturdays with bodies under blankets and pillows scattered around the bed.
“Can we watch this one?”
Hyunjin looked horrified at the tv screen. “You want to watch Twilight?”
Ronan smiled down at him. “Yeah! It's super fun!”
“What part of shiny vampires and shirtless werewolves it’s fun to watch?”
“Dad, obviously it’s because of the Voturi!,” Ronan would roll his eyes as if it wasn’t the most obvious answer.
“Right,” Hyunjin said, still not getting the point, “but, how do you know this movie anyway?”
“Uncle Chan showed it to me the other day and it was super fun.”
Yeah, Hyunjin definitely would have a talk with Chan and the things he showed his kid when he let him stay at his and Changbin’s house.
But Ronan was happy and Hyunjin let it slide as he sat there and watched the movie with his little angel. And it was always like this around Ronan, lying down and watching either Twilight, Toy Story or The Polar Express, knowing the dialogue by heart and repeating the cycle once it was done.
Other days they would go grocery shopping and will watch as Ronan slid candies on their cart, putting them on a jar Felix kept on the kitchen counter.
“You want a candy daddy?”
“Uh, yeah, that would be nice”.
Ronan would take a candy from the jar and give it to Hyunjin, but before he could even open the candy Ronan would take it from him.
“You know what daddy? I will take care of it for you.” Was his excuse to have his candy back and safe in his jar.
Hyunjin will laugh and let it slide as they started to eat some apples that he cut for the both of them.
Ronan was his escape from the adult world. Always looking for his time with his little baby just so they could have their fun. Always finding a way to distract themselves with movies or escapades to the park near their house. On some days they would sit in the backyard, making stories of whatever Ronan found interesting. But the most interesting days would always be the ones they went shopping.
Watching his kid trying to match his clothes to look like a celebrity.
“Daddy,” he cried one day at the shirt Hyunjin showed him, “that isn’t cool at all, I don’t like it.”
“Oh, I’m sorry mister fashion guy, can you show me what you think that it’s cool and fashionable?”
And every Thursday after Ronan’s chemotherapy they would listen to some music, about to reach their home before Ronan would say:
“Hey dads, can we go to a restaurant with windows and doors in it?”
They would laugh but always agree with him just to keep him happy.
Hyunjin remembered it all as he sat in that closet. Throat feeling tight and tears about to fall as he held a piece of clothing in his hands. Face buried on the scent that once belonged to a piece of his heart.
“Hyunjin? Are you here?” He heard Felix outside the closet.
He didn’t answer, too scared to speak and burst down into tears, but it wasn’t necessary as Felix opened the closet’s door and sat with him on the cold floor. Not saying a word as he held his hand on his lap. They sat there in silence for a while, before Hyunjin found himself saying:
“Is it wrong of me to miss him this much? Of not being able to let him go?”
“Of course not baby,” Felix says, voice shaking but still finding strength to talk through the pain. “I don’t think there’s going to be a point in which we will let him go, we just need to find a way to make it easier, and we’re doing a great job, aren't we?”
“I guess,” Hyunjin whispered.
And here’s the thing. Hyunjin was holding back. For a long time since the whole thing happened, he didn’t let himself break in front of Felix, or anyone else who could see his blue side, only being able to cry inside his car or when he was taking a shower and the tears could easily be mistaken for the shower’s water. But right now, inside this closet with the love of his life holding him instead of the other way around he could feel his walls breaking down one by one.
A ghost smiling at him from the other side of the room. There was a sob and a perplexed Felix watching him before the rest of the tears fall down and his full body started shaking from the force of his crying.
There was pain, a bleeding heart and the scary feeling of not being able to stop at any point; strong arms holding him back as reassuring words were directed at him.
“It’s okay baby,” Felix said, “everything’s going to be okay. It really surprised me that it took you this long to let it all go.”
“I just miss him so much and I don’t know what to do anymore.” He cried.
There were tears falling on his head, but Felix never let him go, only kissing him again and again.
“I know love,” Felix sob above him, while hugging him. “I miss him too, I will miss him forever, but we need to be happy for him too.”
Hyunjin shook his head no. “I just can’t, I want him here with us, please, I just need him here once more.”
It was heartbreaking, but the only thing that he wanted was his little boy with them again. Joking around and laughing over stupid things. Wanted his family back.
Felix let him be. Watching as Hyunjin screamed and hit the wall again and again, let him cry and curse at the whole world for everything that was hiding inside his heart. Let him break down for as long as he needed before putting all his part together again; he’s not sure how many hours had passed before he heard him speak again, head over his lap and cheeks wet with the last tears that fell minutes ago.
“I just want us to be happy again, is that possible?”
Felix let his fingers dance around his hair, looking at his child's clothes hanging sadly in front of them.
“I think we’re getting there.”
There were good and bad days now, but hopefully they’re going to be okay.
…
“He says he doesn't believe anything much he hears these days. I say, "Believe in one thing, I won't go away".
THE FALL THEY FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO LIVE AGAIN.
After some time it gets better. Still hurting but taking small steps that guide them into more brighter days.
They still find themselves crying on some nights when the missing feeling grows around them, but they learn how to laugh more than to cry. Ronan was better now, no pain, no sickness chasing after him and they were happy for it too.
Moving into a new house was hard, but they couldn’t bear to live in a place full of memories that haunted them at night, but still they make sure to keep Ronan’s things piled up inside neat boxes on a room that will always belong to him; trying to go out more often, falling in love again with each other, kissing under moonlights and daylights, going to their friends houses and playing around with kids that smiled at them and will always say “I love you uncle” to them,
A piece of them was missing, but still managing to function without it until destiny will let them have it again.
Arms around each other and adoring eyes looking into one another.
“I love you so much.” Hyunjin whispered.
Felix smiled and reached for his face to kiss his lips again and again. “I love you so much it hurts, thanks for never leaving my side.”
Hyunjin’s fingers caressing the skin under his eyes. Stars on his eyes as he says: “I will always be around my beautiful love.”
After some time it gets better, and they knew a brighter future was waiting for them. Ready to face it together.