Work Text:
PLUNGE
The kitchen was silent, the whole apartment was silent and the frightening sounds of his lonely and shallow breaths were crowding into the empty spaces that were left behind. It had been 17 weeks since he had been alone and each day he went out, met people and tried to forget the house that was now anticipating his stuttering heart.
Every day, like clockwork, he would return to his house, having eaten outside because the kitchen felt too daunting a place. Eyes averted, he would pass by all their shared memories, pass by each wall, each note plastered on things all over the house and reach his room. 11pm would find him crouched at the foot of his bed and 2am by the kitchen counter, looking out the living room window.
Only when his thoughts turned incoherent from exhaustion would he drag himself over to the bed and fall asleep. Some rational part of his brain understands that he needs to rest more. The same part also knows that consciously resting his mind only makes it harder to not give up entirely.
Kita Shinsuke had given up but letting go was hard.
—
Suna had been invisible in his life for the first few weeks they knew each other. Before they had grown close, or rather, before Kita found himself gravitating towards the younger, who grew to be the brightest and most captivating person in his life, long before that, he had been but another person on a roll call list. It had been easy to mark the twins in his head even before they had walked in, they had run inside the club room at top speed and at higher volume to beat each other to it, forcing everyone to lodge their eyes on them. Suna had probably slinked in behind them and if Kita had noticed, it was brushed off.
“Can you help carry these stands back to the store room”, Kita remembered asking the shy kid. The shy kid in turn raised a strong gaze right back at him and only nodded in affirmation but it was anything but shyness or anxiety in his eyes. It felt as though he was saving his words and in no way was a casual interaction with his benched senior, a place where he felt like using them. By some cosmic default, Kita had been overlooked his whole life but still, this stung. They worked in silence. Day after day after each practice, Suna would come unasked and they would return the stands back to their place and not a word was spoken.
It was during their first practice match with a neighbouring school that he saw it. Kita had been sitting next to the coach, a notebook by his side and his eyes trained on the first years that had been handpicked for this match to see how they would fare in a formal match. Suna had been a decent blocker as well as spiker during their practice back at the club but the coach was insistent that he would do better in a real match.
Now, he stood in front of him, sharp eyes trained lazily on the ball Ojiro sent over to the loud Miya twin and with a single step, he got into place. Miya set the ball and Suna jumped, arched his entire body like the finest strung bow Kita had ever seen, and landed a perfect spike over to the other side, instantly scoring. Not only the opposing team but also their own were entirely stumped and as the twins ran over to him, Suna’s eyes landed on him as hard as his spike, disappearing a second later, flinching as a cheerful Miya elbow accidentally punched him in the gut.
Following this match, the coach assigned slots for Suna to practice with the other setters as Kita practiced his receive with them, a growing dread in his gut. He was also mildly aware of his friendship with the twins, disastrous in his opinion, and found himself wondering what Suna Rintaro was like outside the walls of the club.
—
The red cup by the window was not his; the notebook with dried leaves replaced by dust; it’d been collected with love and now it was stuffed into the bottom cabinet in the kitchen.
His heartbeat was used to resonance and not this syncopation with his irregular breaths. His hands were sore after having clutched at the counter for a whole of twenty minutes as he calmed himself down, having washed and kept the red cup away. He flexed his fingers, his skin screamed.
----
Suna crouched outside the clubroom. Their practices started after classes but Kita’s last hour had been free by some miscommunication so he had wandered down, hoping to prep the room earlier. He had not expected to run into his junior teammate staring at a flower, no, a leaf and then pick it off the ground and slip into his pocket. As he turned around and saw Kita staring, he went very still for a second, eyes flashing all over the older boy’s face only moving to smirk at the edges and slide down to sit on the steps. Kita joined him.
They sat in companionable silence, or so Kita thought till Suna suddenly spoke up. “You know, you’re pretty scary even with that smile. If there’s something you want to tell us, you should. Its making us pretty antsy.” His eyes had stayed on Kita the whole time but as soon as he was done, they looked down.
His words made him want Kita to ask who “us” was but instead, he made his voice as even as possible before honestly replying, “there’s nothing at all. Well, maybe you can try reading the spiker better before blocking, but on the whole, you’re doing pretty well for a first year”.
The junior looked unaffected by his words and only acknowledged them with a nod and handed over the leaf to Kita, almost mindlessly. They were joined by the rest of the team soon after and it saved them both from having to talk any further. Years later and the same habit of keeping their words closer to themselves never left them and the median of their space remained empty. When their silences became less of an understanding and more of a defeated compromise, Kita should’ve known.
—
They had once tried to adopt. The kitten was a month old and had stayed with them for 9 weeks before he had found Rintaro’s allergy medication and had calmly let his cousin adopt the cat from them. Had he done this after talking to Rintaro, maybe their weeks of silences thereafter would have been avoided but he had felt hurt enough knowing his Rintarou’s health had been compromised because he had wanted to fulfill Shinsuke’s passing childhood whimsical fancy. He could not stand to see him in pain but he had failed to see that maybe Rintaro could have made the decision himself. After all he would have done the same had positions been flipped. They both knew that. Shinsuke apologised.
—
By the time they started placing the Miya twins against Suna during practices, Kita had already drilled tactics into his junior’s mind. They had gone over several videos, had watched matches from as many teams as possible. It was an intra school practice match and with Aran and the Miyas both in the opposing team, it was time to put them to use. They exchanged glances once before stepping onto court and a natural knowledge that Kita would cover any spikes that went over blossomed between them and they didn’t need to look over to confirm it. They won the match and Suna smiled while looking over. Kita’s own slipped and Suna looked away.
—
The train that he took to work left at 8:02 and he stood by waiting for it to arrive at the platform each day by 7:55. Two stops down, his co-worker and friend, Tokura Subaru joined him and together they always reached work by 9, their only stop a coffee stop on the way. Earlier, he used to carry breakfast and coffee both, from home, along with a smile and tender affection from the man who made them but now he had resorted to the over sweet coffee from the café with the hanging lanterns and fresh roses. There was nothing wrong with the place, it was a sweet hole in the wall, but breaking habits was hard. It was a simple Thursday, warmer than the days before, which was surprising since they were only venturing further into fall but it was enough of an excuse to buy an iced coffee.the walk to his office was filled with pleasant chatter but he wanted to go back home, or to a park or to a parking lot, anywhere where people didn’t know him and he could stop taking in all of it.
Kita’s work ran him dry, as an attorney’s assistant he was required to meet too many people, say too many words. At home, he couldn’t stand to be alone. It seemed as though everything was haunting him but he was not sure if he wanted to change it either. An alarm reminded him that Aran and the Onigiri Miya were coming over with dinner and with as much energy as he could muster, he put his home in place. He kept away everything that was visibly Suna’s out of sight for the night and freshened up. Put on his grandmother’s favorite song and sang along to feel a little more alive than he usually did.
They were on time and they were pitying. Their faces were mapped with sympathy though Aran respectfully kept it low. Osamu smelled like the perfume that he and Rintaro had gifted him with for his last birthday and that did nothing to him. He calmly listened to their chatter and munched on carrot sticks.
“Oh and Atsumu said their next league matches are probably going to have some upgraded jerseys. I don’t understand why he was so excited, sounded like a character level-up when he started the conversation so when he landed at //new jerseys// it seemed kinda lame but that’s how he is. Lame. Man, he’s so old now, you’d expect him to talk like an adult but -” he glanced up at Shinsuke suddenly. “How’s work for you, grandpa? All good”? They all laughed at that but then the spotlight was on him and he openly said it.
“I hate it. I hate my work but I don’t feel comfortable leaving at the moment so I’ll stay.” His friends were mindful enough to gently pat his back and leave it at that. He felt like maybe he’d have the courage to admit this to Rintaro one day too.
—
“Kita-san, its my birthday next weekend. It’s at the club down from Mina-senpai’s bookstore. 6pm on Saturday, don’t miss it, yeah?” Suna waved at him as he passed by. Kita stood very still as he listened. He’d been aware of the plans because the Miya twins were anything but conspicuous and had been talking about it all week but getting an invite was a different thing altogether. He knew the club belonged to Suna’s aunt and she’d agreed to shut it for an evening to accommodate her nephew’s ragtag band of teammates and classmates on the terrace and now he’d have to go too.
would it be better to give him a gift on Friday like he was planning on doing earlier? would there be a dress code, what exactly was the etiquette required, mind running in circles, he didn’t notice Aran walk up to him and shake his shoulder all the while laughing, “I can hear you thinking, calm down.” Picking up his bag and handing Kita his, he continued, “it’s just another get together. And besides, anything you do, I doubt Suna would mind. He seems to look up to you a lot.”
Kita assumed Aran did not realise the weight behind his words. If it were just expectations he had to live up to, he could do it. Kita smiled.
The club’s terrace was on the third floor. Strangely, it was a nicer ambience than he’d presumed it would had, plants lining the circumference and a mesh high overhead that was covered in vines and had lights strung all over. Tables were scattered with every soda Kita had seen and then some while the food was disappearing serving dishes at an alarming rate. Kita walked in with a tiny gift in his hands and wondered if he should have purchased the flowers anyway. His grandmother always loved receiving flowers for her birthday and he’d often seen Suna’s eyes lingering on roadside wildflowers and picking up fallen leaves but when the florist had asked him what flowers his girlfriend liked, Kita had changed his mind.
He looked around and saw Suna talking to a girl and some of their teammates, a small smile on his face. It made Kita happy to see him surrounded by peers and his friends and a strange sensation of wanting to be by him and a part of that overcame him. He walked over and politely waited just outside the group for his junior to notice him.
Suna’s eyes turned and when he looked over, a sharp annoyance flickered in his eyes. It was gone before Kita could dwell on it and he moved ahead, handing his gift over and conveying his wishes. Long and sturdy fingers gripped at the gift firmly and Suna looked up to whisper a quiet, “thank you, Kita-san”. The group pulled him back in and before they could interact again, Aran pulled him aside to try a Miya-special mocktail, a mint soy milk concoction which Kita refused to even sniff.
The evening progressed and by 9 Kita had decided he wanted to head home. He had been here for two hours already, safely standing by the door and avoiding the concoction was getting harder by the minute. The girl Suna had been talking to was now over by her own friends and Kita hummed along to the song that played. A soft touch by the elbow made him turn.
“Are you bored, Kita-san?” Suna wasn’t smiling but his voice was light. Kita opened his mouth to answer but Suna cut him off. “Do you want to come with me for a minute?” He pointed to a smaller side passage that presumably led to a small higher structure above the gazebo but Kita couldn’t see because of the vines overhead.
Nodding, he followed Suna and they reached the door beyond which lay a plain terrace. It was surrounded by a waist length ledge. They could hear the music but barely anything was visible of the party down below. Kita’s heart thumped a little louder and it was certainly the chilly weather and not the boy standing behind him. They adjusted the cushions on the floor and sat down side by side, Suna leaning on his hands behind him and Kita with his knees pulled in.
“My aunt and I often come here to smoke.” turning to glance at his captain, he adds, “are you going to tell me off for smoking at this age, you know its not that big a deal-” “No, its fine. Smoking’s fine, its your life”. Kita had no right to be opinionated about someone else’s lifestyle. He definitely didn’t want anyone questioning his.
“I wanted to open your gift,” Suna said quietly. It seemed so sudden that Kita’s eyes blew open. “I have it with me, I wanted to open it with you.” his expression gave nothing away but his eyes were averted to the side. Kita smiled and nodded.
Pulling out the small package, Suna held it in his hands like it was an alien object. Kita looked away as he unwrapped it, something about the younger’s intent gaze on the gift, unsettling in his stomach. The packing had barely been creative and when the notebook revealed itself, Suna was more surprised than he should have been.
It was a pale green notebook with handmade paper on the inside. Almost each page was unique in colour and it had a string with which it could be bound. With careful hands Suna went through the pages and the card he had written fell out. It was a simple happy birthday, may all your wishes come true but it was the leaf glued by it that made his eyebrows crinkle before evening out, a mirthful spark in his eyes.
Kita had been carefully writing the wish on the card when his sister had looked over his shoulder and declared that it was too lacklustre for a greeting card. He had thought for a while hoping that the gesture would not be too sentimental, and had proceeded to carefully extract the leaf from the novel by his bed.
Now as he saw Suna’s face break into a smile as he took it in, he felt it was worth it. Under the lights and maybe the recklessness with which he had seen Miya Osamu down three of his own homemade pieces of cake while his brother cajoled Aran to dancing along to another showtune with him, he rose up and reached beyond the ledge to where the vines were growing, picking up a flower that had fallen off its stem.
“If you’re going to pick up flowers and leaves, make sure to keep them carefully so you never lose them”. He had later been told that he had a kind smile on his face as he said this and Suna had wanted to kiss him just as soft under the stars right then.
—
“You’ve had that for a while now. Isn’t it the same one you gave him on his birthday?” Aran had found him and Shinsuke was not surprised. His best friend had a way of looking around corners and locating Shinsuke no matter where he had hidden himself away.
“It is. He left it here and I suppose it is justified. He has no need for it anymore.” it was all he could say as he clutched it tight in his hands and stared at the lines of the kitchen cabinet in front of him. He had cleaned it just earlier that evening and now dust stared back at him. He was tired. He thought he was doing well, but every part of him sagged in fatigue as soon as the thought occurred to him. He was tired.
Aran sat down next to him. They were both a bit intoxicated not to the extent of incoherence but just enough to lower inhibitions. Shinsuke trusted people and Aran had been the easiest to trust. He wore his heart out on his sleeve not unlike Miya Atsumu and just like him, he was trustworthy and dependable. Their friendship had kept him steady during the toughest decisions of his life and now once again he was by him, a silent but sure shoulder of support.
“Have you spoken to him at all since then?” Aran asked and on receiving a negative reply, continued. “You’re supposed to talk this through. There needs to be space for you to continue being in each other’s lives. Wasn’t that the whole point?”
He knew Aran demanded no answers and would be content to let his thoughts just sit in Shinsuke’s mind as he pondered over them, their differences allowing them to widen each other’s perspective. Now however, he felt like he owed him something. It wasn’t a familiar feeling and his chest felt heavy with dread.
“He said I shouldn’t have come with him here. That I was killing myself in this city. And maybe I am, but it's a choice I made willingly,” his voice choked, breaking as he continued, “the choice to be with him for just a little bit longer. I didn’t want to lose him that quick, why is that so bad”. His voice trembled. “Its not. Its not bad. It can’t be”
Tears were flowing freely from his eyes now but he kept them open, kept his shoulders straight. Aran was looking at him with a soft affection in his eyes, he knew his friend needed just a presence by his side. He sat by him till his tears dried up but his grip on the book remained as strong as ever. He held it close to his chest as he lay in bed later in the morning, eyes still too wide to let him fall into slumber and his heart heavier than ever.
—
“Can I walk you home?” Suna had stood by the club doors, the twins dawdling behind him out of earshot. Aran had been on his way over with his jacket wrapped over his shoulder. He looked between the two and passed Kita to where the twins stood, waving them off with a, “I’ll walk with them. Miya’s sets are slipping and I wanted to discuss why he’s decided to slack off mid-season”
Amidst rings of outrage from the blond and Osamu’s loud guffaws, Suna stood by as Kita locked up the club. He was always the first one to practice and it only made sense for him to lock up and keep a spare set of keys on him as well. Placing the keys in their designated pocket in his bag, he fell in step with him and they began walking home.
Suna lived in a hostel near the school. He did have relatives here but he chose to live by himself. Kita could not imagine living away from his family, their companionship was a large part of his life. His parents already lived away in New York so living away from his grandmother and his siblings would leave him feeling very lonely.
It was an affable silence but he felt the need to ask, “is there something you wished to speak about, Suna-san?”
“Can’t I just walk home with my favourite senpai?” Suna had a smile in his voice though his face remained blank.
Very well then. They continued on in companionable silence for a while longer before Suna spoke up again.
“When I first came here, to this school, I didn’t think... I didn’t think I would have it in me to make all the friends I have here. No offence, but it’s a small town and everyone knows everyone. My landlady said she knew your grandmother and it's just, a lot. I was the stranger here and here I am, walking home with you, those two idiots are probably blowing up my phone right now and I have Ginjima’s brother, parents and uncle’s number in my phone.” Kita chuckled a bit at that, giving Suna pause as he looked at the older boy out the corner of his eye.
“Is that weird Kita-san? I look at them and I feel so strange”. His voice dropped and he quietly flexed his fingers, gaze turned downwards. Kita silently circled Suna’s wrists with his own calloused fingers and gently guided him towards the park. Suna breathed deeply, breath coming out in long exhales till they finally sat down on a dry bench.
The moon was peeking out but Kita’s eyes were trained on Suna’s face, carefully noting all the lines on it, exhaustion from working himself to the bone on the court, living by himself and countless other burdens. Kita wanted to hold in his hands so Suna could breathe easier. There was nothing as familiar as Suna’s face anymore, the countless hours spent with his eyes trained on the boy as they practised, cold mornings spent standing close, leaning in under the pretence of body heat as they waited for the team to arrive. There was nothing unfamiliar here.
It only then seemed natural to reach out and smooth away the wrinkles on his forehead. Suna’s eyes shut as their skin made contact and Kita ran his hands softly through his hair before retracting it and saying, softly but firmly, “Suna-san, there is uncertainty in all decisions. But being your friend never felt like a choice we were making, it was the natural step for us all. You were always meant to be one of us.” Suna slipped his hand into Kita’s. They were holding hands and Suna’s head was tilted back, eyes turned to him. They were holding hands and Kita suddenly forgot how to continue speaking.
Suna raised their conjoined hands and looked at them for a few seconds, as though examining how they felt. A small smile appeared on his face as he directed their hands at Kita’s face and slowly caressed his cheek with the back of his cold, long fingers.
Dropping them, he pulled Kita in by his shoulders and wrapped an arm around them with an ease, though they could both feel the slight tension under his skin, a bated breath while he waited for Kita to what? Shove him off?
He only moved in, subtly angled his body to face Suna and kept walking. Suna’s released breath was a puff over his breath and Kita could feel the smile in it.
Their days following that remarkable evening were filled with Suna silently dragging himself to Kita’s table at lunch, gaining questioning glances from Aran and closely followed by the twins who chose to plop down next to him as well. It became a routine.
Kita always loved routines.
SUSPENSION
Shinsuke felt like he had hurt everyone. It was not often that he felt like this, it was not often that he let himself feel worn down to his spine in this manner, but there were some of these days too. He could not reach Aran, Atsumu too; rationally he knew they were at practice but there could be so many other reasons why they had both ignored this simple “how is your day going”. It was sent with perfect punctuation as always and he stared at the screen where Aran’s name and their previous chat looked back at him. Osamu had taken to operating out of his business phone only during work hours and everyone knew that unless it was a severe emergency, no one was to call him during those hours. Shinsuke would not call his bout of loneliness an emergency, would rarely call anything about himself urgent or important and instead only gripped his phone harder.
His hand was steady, his breaths shook. By habit, his fingers typed out Rin’s name and his eyes gained focus. The familiarity of their chat, just to see the name on top, made him feel like peeling his chest open slowly and letting Rin hold everything within. He watched himself type in a haze and once it was done, he walked himself to the washroom to throw up. Rin had given up on even reading his messages, probably letting them all pile up like old pamphlets selling to him things he didn’t really need. Shinsuke threw up till his insides felt like vacuuming air for the lack within. He got up and washed his face, brushed his teeth. He set his hair in place and shut the tap.
His phone pinged.
He closed his eyes.
The front door opened and he knew before he walked out, what he would see.
Rintaro stood at the door, a scarf messily placed on his shoulders, twisting gloves off his hands absentmindedly, eyes wide, terrified.
Shinsuke could hear his loud breaths, he knew Rin hated people who breathed too loud but as he walked and melted into his lover, he was glad the man could hear some part of him out loud and clear, unmistaken in their despair.
PIVOT
Nothing was inherently beautiful in itself and Kita knew it. He knew that one had to work hard to make something feel beautiful and maybe that was the point of living. To work hard and to work well so things would appear immaculate and perfect, flawless. Suna Rintaro ceaselessly challenged his beliefs.
“For you.” Suna’s long fingers took the small leaf held out to him so delicately, Kita almost didn’t want to let go.
The leaf was thin and long this time. It curved where it tapered and its stalk was soft under his fingers. Soft like Suna’s eyes over his head. Kita had started noticing how the younger boy would often not meet his gaze, talk over his shoulder or at the ground next to their feet. It somehow made him feel all sorts of warm.
Suna’s eyes were beautiful. The boy himself was beautiful. He would stand on court, hands flexed slightly by his sides and Kita would find himself spanning and mapping his shoulder blades, all the way down to his waist, lower to his legs, where his muscles seemed alive. There was nothing more alive than Suna Rintaro on court and it made Kita smile.
Folding his towel over his hand after one especially gruesome practice, Kita found himself alone with Aran in a corner of the court. They piled all the balls in and began pushing the cart into the storage room.
“How are things going?”, Aran asked in the most casual voice he could muster. Kita knew what he was getting at, had seen Aran watch him watch Suna, but he only hummed back.
“Nothing really. I think Suna might be finally coming around”. Maybe it was not to the point and something irked him as he diverted from the truth but directly acknowledging Suna’s clearly focused affection towards him made him feel exposed.
“Yeah, because Suna goes around handing us all flowers:, Aran snorted but didn’t push the matter. Placing all his belongings into the bag, Kita could only give him a small smile and lead his best friend out of the gym.
Suna had taken to coming over to his house, spending time with his grandmother and his siblings. They all loved the silent boy, used to their own brother’s peaceful existence around their house. It helped that Suna was a terrible cook and they found it amusing to get him to make them absurd dishes from time to time and then force Kita to make them a proper meal at the end anyway.
The nape of his neck was always warm where Suna’s eyes remained as he scooped rice out of the cooker, his shoulders always felt alive and there after Suna slung his arm over them to try and “help out”
The boy’s quiet breath would ghost over his hair and send his blood rippling under his skin. Often then, at dinner, the food had too much salt and his grandmother had too much mirth swimming in her eyes as she looked over at the boys at her table.
“I think this old lady is going to have to make some dessert for you children herself before you set something on fire with all her playing around”, she’d chuckle and usher all the younger ones into the kitchen leaving the two boys blushing pink at their ends, alone by the porch. Kita would sit straight, peering out into the evening sky, the lights and the occasional plane in the sky and Suna would lean on the pillar, eyes on him.
“Your family makes me miss mine less”, he’d said after one especially boisterous night of discussing all the little figurines that littered the house with the kids. His voice had been quiet and as steady as ever. “I didn’t have much to miss, to begin with. But if I had to imagine living at home with everyone around all the time, I know this is what I would want.”
He took a deep breath in, clenching his fists slightly. “Is that weird, Shinsuke-san?” His breath stuttered then, pausing altogether as he waited for his reply. Kita had been seated closer to him that night. Their legs were almost touching and now his eyes were firmly on his face as he had spoken something Kita realised he’d wanted to say for a long time. He had never seen him this happy anywhere else but on the court. The exhilaration, the peace, the grounding that came with belonging.
His eyes had tears he had never shed for another before. He reached out with his hand, hoping to bring it to clasp the other’s but instead, he grasped him by the neck. Rintaro’s neck was cold where Shinsuke’s hand held it, he rubbed his thumb slowly across it as he looked into his eyes, slowly widening.
Shinsuke had no idea what he was doing. For once, this was not what he had planned, but nothing about Rintaro had been planned. It had been dreamed. An intimacy, a warmth, their foreheads touching as he crossed the distance between them and brought Rintaro’s head closer.
There was a hand on his arm, slender fingers sliding across his skin and Rintaro’s eyes were closing, fluttering in their wake. Shinsuke closed his own eyes and realised his dreams. Suna Rintaro was a dream.
Their kiss was a graze, a gift to one another. Shinsuke’s spine, from his head till the tail end felt alight and he was frozen. Rintaro took in another breath, slowly pressed another kiss to his lips and Shinsuke’s tears finally fell.
~~~
They adopted one another into their lives with ease. There were nights spent holed up in Rin’s apartment, rearranging his meagre belongings or just reluctantly and then naturally folding into one another as they uncovered themselves. Rin spoke about his father’s frequent absences, his mother’s silences. His family deigned to call him on occasion, the two cooped up on the sofa and as Shinsuke would overhear their stilted words, he would wind his arms around his shoulders from behind, placing his lips on Rin’s head. There would be long silences afterwards.
Shinsuke’s room was in the corner of the house. As a boy who spent his life tangled up with his family, they had given up the most secluded room to him, the peace, a comfort on the nights Rin stayed over. They would only finish their homework in silence and then sleep side by side on the futon, heads turned towards one another.
The winter they lost to Karasuno was filled with distraught hands over Shinsuke’s burning skin. Rin’s breaths would come out urgent and his legs on either side of Shinsuke’s waist, pressed into him too hard. Shinsuke would only pull him in harder and hold his head closer.
“I don’t want to continue and go on to pursue a higher education in a university. I want to stay here and help out in the farm”, he had told his grandmother at the age of thirteen. His mind had not changed and as his graduation loomed closed, the affirmation that Rin would not be left alone, left behind yet again, soothed Shinsuke’s own heart.
This was maybe where it had all begun. Rin had seemed relieved then, his smile warm, buried into Shinsuke’s chest from where he lay. It was the first time in a long time that Rin’s soft breaths had come out even and his hands had not been pleading from where they were wrapped around his waist, the first time since the Nationals or even before that. Shinsuke had smiled and willed the tension in his chest to subside.
“You should not let all your burdens pile up on your chest. We love not just to give away our life’s energy to another, not just to devote our life to caring for another, but to also make our own lives better. A love should be such that it enriches and nourishes you from within. Let the ones you love, love you, as you love them. Each person’s devotion is different but its clear to see when you receive as equal a love as you give.” His grandmother’s gaze had been meaningful and her words had been clear. Shinsuke had just wanted to carry on for Rin’s sake a bit longer.
Just a bit.
CORYBANTIC
The autumn that Shinsuke had moved across cities to live with Rin had been the loveliest and the loneliest. They had been two young and eager boys, ready to delve deeper into each other and scrape out all the happiness they could from the bustling crowds around them. The air was unfamiliar to Shinsuke and the streets were narrowing, harrowing. But those were details he skimmed over for his hand was enclosed in Rin’s long fingers and his heart felt warm.
“Do you miss home, Shin? When was the last time you video called?”, Rin’s voice came sliding from the kitchen on the other side of the wall.
“Just the other day, its no point getting them used to talking to me everyday, they’ll stay too attached to seeing me everyday”, Shinsuke said with a smile on his face. The small hum followed by the soft kiss placed on his head as Rin passed him his tea made him wonder if the younger knew it was him who stayed to attached.
“Well, i’ll call them more once we have this place done, there’s still too many things to add. When is your next day off?”, he continued, subtly trying to change the topic.
Rin only raised his eyebrows in response as he checked his phone. It pinged. And pinged again. Rin certainly had a lot more on his plate than he let Shinsuke know but that was to be expected since his plans were only getting larger from here on.
“Not until next month, I suppose. We’ll be busy a lot more since there’s team selections coming up. We also have those camps the month after that, so it looks like im really packed for the next few weeks, im afraid.” Without looking up from his phone, he continued, “maybe you could go visit home for a while? I won’t be around much.”
A month. A month is all it had been since they had moved here.
“Yeah, i suppose i will.
~~~
There wasn’t much to do for a guy like Kita Shinsuke in a city this big. This is not to say that he was lost but there was no job that could make him feel accomplished enough. No place where he wasn’t expected to slack off, the culture sickened him. It felt like the lethargy of the monotony created by the city life, one so different from that which he found back home, was creeping into his veins. He would find himself staring off into space, staring and observing, rather than doing. It made him want to throw up, it made him want to run back.
Coming home to Rin’s sleeping form, curled slightly in bed, made him stay every time.
~~~
Aran suggested he start writing. He suggested it and maybe this is why they were friends. The writing stuck. When Rin would leave for early morning practice, Shinsuke would be up, early mornings were always a respite. He would curl up by the window, a carpet under him and a cup by his side and he would write. His words, awkward at first, soon adapted the tone of desolation. He didn’t know how much he despised the blank night sky, the loud mornings, the repetitive monotony of expectations till he said it out loud with words on the papers.
There were days the words would leave him heaving. His hurried scribbling after receiving his promotion, the promise looming of everlasting stability in this place terrified him. Getting their car together, though only Rin drove yet, adding rolls to their film camera after it ran out the night of their anniversary, Rin, sleeping soundly in his bed right after his selections to the Nationals. Those were days he celebrated to his heart/s content, where his heart was so filled, it poured out tears behind pages of the diary.
For the first time in his life, stability and his own decisions scared Kita Shinsuke. He wanted to run and run and run till he couldn’t but the streets were too crowded. His heart was stuck in place.
~~~
“Shinsuke. Hey, Shin, wake up”, someone was whispering above him. He rolled over, cracking his eyes open. Rin’s face was above his, freshly showered, wet hair pushed back. It was Shinsuke’s favourite sight to wake up to.
“Hi”, his voice cracked, sleepy. As he fully turned to face him, Rin fell in beside him, sliding his arms across his waist and pulling him in, pillowing Shinsuke’s head on one arm. “I’m skipping out today, I think it's been a while since we spent a morning together. I”ve missed you.”
Those words were whispered right over Shinsuke’s head. They were soft and his voice was filled with a gentle love, unimposed as always. Shinsuke’s eyes watered and he buried his head in Rin’s warm chest before the other man could see him cry.
“I missed you too”
Later, as they finally lay in bed, staring at one another, Rin slowly ran his fingers under Shinsuke’s eyes. He didn’t look worried but his touch was enough to indicate that he was wrapped in it. Shinsuke only gave him a weak smile.
He noticed how Rin started taking more mornings off, started ignoring more calls as they both wrapped up in bed, as they both held hands over lunch in Shinsuke’s crappy office canteen, as they both walked in the park by their house. He noticed how he had started looking at corners where Shinsuke had cramped things into, an easier exercise than putting things away. He noticed him cleaning dust off of things, staying silent as he observed Shinsuke do his own chores.
“Aren’t you missing too many practices?”, Shinsuke joked one morning with his head on Rin’s chest, as they dawdled in bed. “Why? You don’t like having me around?”, his beloved joked without smiling, hands under his head and eyes up on the ceiling. He turned his head to look Shinsuke fully in the eyes and something turned in the older man’s belly. He kept his gaze only for a second before he hurriedly sat up, getting out of bed.
“No, i mean, I’m sure you’re missed a lot, is all. Don’t go around skipping too much just to hang out with me, im doing fine, you know. Its not as bad as it looks….”, he trailed off. He hadn’t meant to say that. He had not. He looked ahead, back turned to Rin, standing by their bed, stilled in motion, his eyes on the rope of his robe. His fingers trembled and his eyes threatened to spill.
“So, it is bad. To some level at least.” Shinsuke knew Rin was still in the same position, he himself was too scared to turn around.
He continued, “when were you planning on talking to me about it? Or were you just going to keep scribbling in those journals you keep out of si-” “You went through my journals?”
Shinsuke’s voice was calm but it trembled. “Why would you-” “I did not, of course i did not, but judging by your reaction, maybe I should have. Though it hurts more to know that you won’t just tell me yourself.”
Shinsuke’s hands were flexing. Fists open, fists closed. Open, closed. Rin had sit up by now and Shinsuke still did not wish to turn around and look him in the eye. There was anger but there was self-loathing. Rin should be focusing on himself, his career had just taken off, but here he was trying to decode Shinsuke’s cryptic feelings that the man himself could not understand? Why would he-
“Hey, hey, come back, come here. Shinsuke, come here” A hand gently tugged on his robe, ;ulling him back to reality. “Please come back here to me, we’ll talk later, please just come here”.
But Shinsuke was trembling, his whole body was trembling and he did not want to be here. He ripped his robe out of Rin’s hands and ran out. Rin followed him but slamming the door in his face and staying in the washroom, unresponsive to all of his boyfriend’s pleas felt like a better idea. He calmed down. He breathed in and out, a few breaths at a time. He knew he’d been in here for too long.
Opening the door only revealed a Suna Rintaro sitting in front of the door, on the floor with a water bottle and a blanket, stretching out his hands to envelop Shinsuke into his arms. They stayed that way for a long time.
~~~
The funny thing about loneliness is that it never comes alone. It brings with it despair, longing, sensory overstimulation, guilt. Their repeated conversations, their repeated breakdowns, brought more loneliness. It brought silent mornings and quiet dinners and loud nights. The sounds of Rin bunching up his sheets as he cried because Shinsuke spent 4 days in perfect silence after his proposal were the loudest, second only to Shinsuke calmly breathing as Rin left the house on empty stomachs each morning.
They did not fight. They pushed and pulled. Rin whispering i love you into Shinsuke’s skin whenever he could, and Shinsuke touching every part of Rin that he could reach. It was louder than their arguments. But it was never enough.
It was the day before Rin was supposed to leave for camp. It was any other tussle, it was any other day. It was just another question.
“Why did you move here?”
Shinsuke had no answer beyond a silent, “for you”. For the last few years of his life, it had been enough for him.
It was not enough for Rin. It filled Shinsuke up to the brim, to know he was loved but to know it was despairing. It left him empty and stranded.
ATARAXIA
It had been three hours and some forty odd minutes since Rin had re-entered their previously shared apartment. Shinsuke wondered if his messages had held the urgency with which his heart had been thumping, so loud, for the man to drop whatever he had been doing and rush over to him. He clutched Rin’s long fingers tighter and stared away from the man himself.
“I’m better now, I did not mean to call you all the way.” He knew, he knew these words would sting and yet he stuttered as he spoke them aloud, gaze still averted from Rin. He knew the man would never need a reason and that he, or any of their friends really, would come running if he called them over. He just did not understand why. Maybe it was akin to the feeling he had in his chest when they needed him, a fierce affection, a tremor of care that he always would feel reverberating when they looked towards him. It was hard to place why someone, anyone would feel that way for him however. He knew, he knew what it was but he could not bring himself to accept that from them, to eventually grow to expect that of them.
Rin did nothing. His eyes only steadily bore into Shinsuke’s head as he shuffled ahead on the carpet, bringing his other arm up to pull Shinsuke’s body into his. His eyes, barely dry, shut as Rin’s warmth enclosed around him once again and he buried his head into the man’s shoulder.
There was so much they had not said to each other and maybe they would never need to. He knew why Rin would never come back to him, at least not till he had realized all the dreams he had whispered to Shinsuke in the nights they spent together. He knew why he’d be packing in a few weeks, heading back to where his heart lay in the vast and open lands of his childhood, his fingers skimming long stalks they had itched for and the sun warming the nape of his neck like a long lost friend’s arm around his shoulder.
There had been times when he had felt foolish when he saw their future together, always together. What really was foolish was for him to believe that they had to stand, shoulder to shoulder, breath to breath, to affirm their love, to affirm the earnestness they held for one another. They were adults now. They knew better.
It is possible that one day Rin would come to him. Shinsuke would always watch him, and Rin would always hear about him. They would smile for one another and maybe shed tears if they felt too far apart. And perhaps years later they would find their way back to one another and that would be good. It would be okay if they didn’t. Love for them was more about knowing. Shinsuke had always known where his heart lay and he believed Rin when he said his heart lay within the crevices of Shinsuke’s calloused hands, a little broken and very fragile, but secure. Shinsuke would always keep it secure. He knew his was.
When his grandmother had cried, he knew that it was not the same for everyone, they would not wholly understand.
It was in the knowledge of loving and being loved, in the silent affirmation for them. Every love was different. Each love, each affection he knew, was precious. Their love was thus. Their love was precious.