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Tubbo doesn’t hug Tommy after the prison.
He wants to- prime, he wants to. He wants to wrap Tommy up and never let him go; hold him close and make it so that Tommy can never leave his sight again. He wants Tommy to stay, wants to make sure he stays.
But- after exile, after everything Tubbo did to Tommy and everything that tore them apart, they didn’t really hug. There was that relieved hug after the final confrontation with Dream, when they realized they were finally safe and that they were both alive. Tubbo also couldn’t stop himself from yanking Tommy into a tight hold after he realized he was alive. The thing is, though, they didn’t really hug all that much beforehand, and, well…
Tommy flinched, when Tubbo hugged him after he was revived.
And he flinched, when Tubbo reached out to hold his hand and lead him back to Snowchester. And he flinched, when Ranboo held out his arms, welcoming him into their home. And he flinched when Tubbo moved too quick, and when Michael came too close, and-
Well. Tubbo learned not to hug Tommy pretty quickly.
It’s- it’s hard, sometimes. Tubbo’s never been the touchy-feely type of person, but it’s always been different with Tommy. They were all each other had in Pogtopia; Tommy was the one Tubbo went to after a rough day with Schlatt, and Tubbo was who Tommy went to when Wilbur was being too much of an asshole. They relied on each other in a way that probably wasn’t healthy. Tubbo can’t help but feel the same now – even after everything, when Tubbo wakes up crying in the middle of the night, Tommy’s the one he always wants to go to.
Ranboo’s amazing, and Tubbo adores him beyond words. But- for Tubbo, it’s always Tommy. Always has been, always will be.
Tubbo manages to stop himself at the start. Tommy stays in Snowchester, which- thank prime, honestly. Tubbo doesn’t know what he’d do if Tommy decided he’d rather stay in his home, which is way too close to everyone that could hurt him and way too far from Tubbo. He slowly starts to heal, Tubbo thinks – he wakes up constantly with nightmares, though, constantly panics when he falls a bit too hard or when anything touches him. Tubbo used to know how to help him. Used to know to take Tommy’s hand, and hold it against his chest; count their breaths together and bring Tommy back to himself again.
Now, he doesn’t know what to do. He talks Tommy through them- or tries to, at least, and it helps a little bit. It’s not enough, though, most of the time. And sometimes, Tubbo- Tubbo doesn’t know what to do.
It’s been a couple of weeks since the prison, a couple of weeks since Tubbo’s been able to even touch his best friend, and Tubbo wakes up to screaming. He tumbles out of bed none-too gracefully, Ranboo following at his heels. Tommy’s in the next room, and when Tubbo sees him, he’s sitting up, hands tangled in his hair and pulling at the strands.
He’s pulling hard enough that he could yank chunks out. His chest’s heaving, too, breath coming much too quickly.
“Tommy!” Tubbo whispers harshly. He sits on the edge of the bed, instinctively reaching towards Tommy. Tommy’s eyes snap open and he flinches away, of course. Tubbo frowns, something twisting in his chest.
Tommy’s still not stopping the tugging on his hair.
“Tommy- Tommy, let your hair go,” Ranboo tries. Tommy glances at Ranboo, before his eyes come back to Tubbo, his breathing coming even faster. He tugs tighter.
Tubbo doesn’t know what to do.
“Okay- Tommy,” Tubbo starts, making a decision. “I’m going to touch you, alright? I’m just going to touch your hands, nothing else. I’m not going to hurt you, I just want you to stop tugging at your hair. Okay?”
Tommy doesn’t respond, and when Tubbo’s hands start inching towards Tommy, he tenses up. Tubbo slowly, slowly, slowly slips his hands between Tommy’s hair and his hands, and when his hands come in contact with Tommy, he gasps. Tubbo winces at the fear that flashes over Tommy’s face, but he stays firm, carefully taking Tommy’s hands in his and drawing them away from his hair.
Tubbo rests their joined hands in Tubbo’s lap, careful to keep his grip on Tommy light. “See?” Tubbo murmurs, quiet. Reassuring. “That wasn’t too bad.” He makes to let go, but- Tommy grips back onto him as soon as Tubbo loosens his grip. Tubbo looks at him questioningly.
“Tommy?” Tubbo asks. Tommy’s eyes are squeezed shut – have been, ever since Tubbo started reaching out to touch him. He’s biting his lip. Experimentally, Tubbo rubs circles gently into the backs of Tommy’s hands. Tommy shudders briefly. “That okay?” Tubbo inquires quietly.
Tommy’s eyes remain shut, but Tubbo catches the slightest bit of a nod from his best friend. Tubbo furrows his brows further, then shares a look with Ranboo. “Can you go grab some blankets for him?” Tubbo asks. Ranboo nods, glancing at Tommy.
“I’ll be quick,” he says, before he’s making his way back out of the room as quietly as he can. Tubbo turns his attention back to Tommy. Tommy’s still got his hands in a death-grip, but the more Tubbo rubs at the backs of them, the more Tommy seems to relax. And- like a bolt of lightning, Tubbo thinks he knows what’s wrong.
Still, though, Tommy’s breathing is going much too fast, even if it’s slowed down a bit. Tubbo can deal with this discovery after he makes sure Tommy isn’t about to pass out. “Tommy, I need you to breathe with me, alright?” Tubbo tells him. He brings one of Tommy’s hands to his chest, making sure his breaths are more pronounced. “In for four,” Tubbo murmurs, moving his chest with the motion. Tommy shudderingly breathes in. “Hold for seven, out for eight.”
Slowly, after a little while, Tommy gets his breathing out of control. He lets out one final shaky breath, and tugs his hands from Tubbo. Tubbo lets him go. “…Thanks,” Tommy mutters, wrapping his arms around himself. He wraps his hands around his forearms, rubbing his skin. Tubbo’s heart clenches as he remembers his realization- remembers just why he thinks Tommy’s doing that.
“Oh, Tommy,” Tubbo murmurs. Slowly, so slowly, Tubbo moves closer to Tommy. “Tommy, I’m going to place my hand on your back, alright?” Tubbo warns. Tommy finally opens his eyes, and there’s still fear in them – and Tubbo feels a surge of anger when he thinks about just why he feels that fear – but there’s also want in them.
“You- you don’t-” Tommy starts. He wraps his arms tighter around himself, shuddering again. Tubbo’s heart hurts.
“It’s okay, Tommy,” Tubbo reassures in a whisper. He reaches out, slowly enough that Tommy can deny him if he wants. Tommy doesn’t, though, just watching him with trepidation as Tubbo lightly places his hand on Tommy’s back, rubbing soothing circles into him.
Tommy tenses up as soon as Tubbo touches him, but slowly, he relaxes. He leans into the touch, his eyes fluttering shut and a sort of sigh slipping from his lips. Tubbo blinks rapidly to force back the tears suddenly burning at the backs of his eyes, and says, “There you go, Tommy. There you go.”
“Sorry- sorry, sorry,” Tommy babbles, and he’s leaning so close to Tubbo that Tubbo can’t help but reach out his other arm.
Tubbo asks, “Tommy, can I hug you?” Tommy tenses up again. After a moment, though, he leans even closer to Tubbo. Tubbo takes the invitation for what it is and carefully wraps his arms around Tommy. Tommy shudders. His hands come up to grip at Tubbo’s shirt, and when Tubbo blinks, a couple of tears trail down his cheeks. “You should’ve told me you wanted a hug,” Tubbo whispers into Tommy’s hair. Tommy lets out a sob, burrowing tighter into Tubbo’s chest.
“I- I didn’t-” Tommy mumbles. Tubbo hushes him.
“You’re alright, I don’t blame you,” Tubbo whispers. “Just-” Tubbo swallows, and his voice is trembling as he says, “Just don’t be afraid to tell me next time, yeah?” Tommy sniffles, and Tubbo holds him a little bit tighter.
Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t take long for Tommy to push back against Tubbo’s chest. Tubbo lets him go easily, letting Tommy lean back and scrub at his eyes. Tubbo fights against the urge to run his fingers through Tommy’s hair – he probably can’t handle too much more. He doesn’t want to overwhelm him.
“You feeling better?” Tubbo asks softly. Tommy sniffles again, but nods. Tubbo knows it’s genuine. “Good,” Tubbo says softly. “Remember I’m here, okay? Both of us are.”
Tommy scoffs, “I don’t want a hug from Ran-boob.” Tubbo huffs out a laugh, shaking his head.
“Wow, thanks,” Ranboo retorts as he comes back into the room. He’s got an easy smile on his face, though, obviously relieved to see Tommy doing better. Tubbo throws him a grateful look as he dumps more blankets on Tommy’s bed. Tommy’s face brightens slightly, and Tubbo can’t help but laugh a bit when Tommy grabs their bright red blanket and wraps it around his shoulders.
Tommy shoots him a look, and Tubbo just smiles back. And they’ve both got tear-marks trailing down their cheeks, but it feels more normal than it has since- since before Tubbo can remember.
And, for the first time in a long, long time, Tubbo feels set a little more at ease.
-
Ranboo’s first hint that something’s off is when there’s the sound of scuffing feet from outside his door.
He glances over, curious at first, but when there’s no sign of anything else he turns back to his reading. There’s another shuffling noise soon after, though, so he puts his book down and turns his full attention towards the door.
“Anyone there?” He asks, tentative. A hitch of breath, and then nothing.
Ranboo frowns. Tubbo’s out mining for resources, Ranboo’s pretty sure, and Michael’s upstairs and asleep. There shouldn’t be anyone- oh. Ranboo shakes his head. He’s an idiot.
“Tommy?” Ranboo calls. “Is that you?”
Tommy pokes his head around the corner, a mulish glare on his face. “I wasn’t doing anything,” he says immediately. Ranboo holds his hands up, what he hopes is a placating smile on his face.
“I didn’t accuse you of anything.” And then, remembering the other day’s breakdown and Tubbo’s ensuing realization – Tubbo informed Ranboo of it after, when Tommy’d fallen asleep curled into the blankets Ranboo brought – Ranboo asks carefully, “Are you alright?”
Tommy clams up further, crossing his arms. His thumbs rub against his exposed skin. Ranboo wouldn’t normally notice it, but now, his eyes catch on it. His heart softens. “I’m fine,” Tommy says curtly. “Don’t butt into other people’s business, Ran-boob.”
Ranboo sighs, shaking his head. He slowly stands up, taking a single step towards Tommy. Tommy watches him with trepidation. “Do you want a hug?” Ranboo asks right off the bat – he winces as Tommy shakes his head vigorously, immediately denying it. He probably should’ve started off a little more tactfully, huh.
“I do not want a fuckin’ hug, Ran-boob,” Tommy says cuttingly. He’s hunching in further on himself, though; as much as the anger in his voice has risen, he also seems so much smaller than before. Normally, this would be when Tubbo steps in – he’s so much better with figuring out Tommy than Ranboo is. But he’s miles away, and Ranboo’s right here.
Ranboo has to try, at least.
He keeps his voice low and soothing, and takes another step closer to Tommy. “Are you sure?”
Tommy eyes him carefully. “I’m sure,” he says. He sounds hesitant. Despite his words, he seems to sway a little closer to Ranboo before he catches himself. “I’m-”
Ranboo gets within a couple of steps of Tommy, and stops. He holds open his arms. And he waits. “I’m here,” he offers quietly. Tommy just stares at him, and Ranboo doesn’t move, anticipation and worry both knotting in his chest.
“I don’t-” Tommy cuts himself off, shaking his head. “I’m fine,” he repeats. He’s looking away from Ranboo, obviously trying to convince himself. Ranboo bites his tongue against the urge to insist that Tommy’s not fine, and continues waiting.
Tommy needs to make the decision for himself. Ranboo can’t force it.
Slowly, carefully, Tommy edges closer. “This doesn’t mean anything,” Tommy tells Ranboo. His voice is shakier than Tommy likely intends. Ranboo chuckles lightly and nods.
“Understood,” he states. Tommy looks him just above the eyes – always so considerate, Tommy is – and carefully slots himself against Ranboo. Ranboo waits until Tommy settles, his arms wrapped loosely around Ranboo’s waist and head pillowed against Ranboo’s stomach, before he brings his arms gently around Tommy’s shoulders.
Tommy shudders yet again, but he leans further into the touch. Ranboo tightens his grip the smallest bit, bringing a hand up to carefully brush through Tommy’s hair, sure to keep his claws from cutting into Tommy’s scalp. Tommy breath hitches and Ranboo’s hand freezes. He makes to pull away, but then Tommy lets out a protesting noise and leans into the touch. “Don’t fuckin’ stop,” Tommy grumbles. Ranboo huffs out a laugh and resumes his motions, and Tommy sighs.
“I won’t stop until you tell me you want me to,” Ranboo reassures. Tommy doesn’t respond, just leaning a bit further into Ranboo’s chest. His arms tighten slightly around Ranboo’s waist, and Ranboo’s heart swells.
He’s glad Tommy feels safe around him, at least at the moment. Tommy deserves to feel safe.
After a little while, Tommy leans back. Ranboo averts his eyes when Tommy scrubs his face with his forearm briefly, giving him the allusion of privacy. “…Thanks, Ranboo,” Tommy mutters. Ranboo looks back towards him and smiles. Tommy’s blushing, looking away, but he looks more at ease than he did before.
Ranboo’s glad.
“Anytime, Tommy,” Ranboo promises, and Tommy gives him the barest hint of a smile back.
-
It’s been a few weeks since Tommy’s utter breakdown.
He still gets a little embarrassed thinking about it, sometimes- he just started fucking sobbing when Tubbo touched him. He cried when Ranboo hugged him. And he knows that they don’t judge him at all, they’ve been unreasonably understanding about this whole thing, but- he’s still embarrassed, okay.
He’s…getting better, though. Touch still feels a little weird sometimes, but Tubbo makes sure to offer him hugs whenever possible, and Ranboo’s just there, nonjudgmental and reassuring whenever Tommy needs him, and it’s nice. He doesn’t really know what he did to deserve them, but fuck if he isn’t going to hold onto them for as long as he can.
It’s one of his few moments of alone time. Tommy’s hanging out in the living room, just reading a random book that Ranboo had laying around, bored out of his mind. Tubbo’s doing something in the kitchen, and Tommy doesn’t really know where Ranboo is. Mining, probably. Prime knows the man does it far too much.
Deciding that he’s had enough of reading, Tommy places the book to the side and rises up. It’s about time he’s explored the mansion, anyway – he’s lived here for a few weeks now and he still hasn’t seen all of it.
He wanders the hallways for a while, poking his head into every room. There’s so many that are unoccupied; seriously, Tubbo and Ranboo really went all out and then didn’t use it, huh. Tommy shakes his head, but amusement sits in his chest.
It doesn’t take long for Tommy to stumble across what must be Michael’s room. “Oh,” he whispers, stepping into it. The walls are decorated with little stars and planets, and there’s a multitude of toys scattered around. Tommy’s seen Tubbo and Ranboo’s son a few times in the past few weeks, but not as much as he thought he might. Tommy didn’t really mind – he has enough problems, he doesn’t need to add dealing with a child on top of them.
Michael’s right there, though, sitting in the middle of a bunch of dolls, so Tommy doesn’t really have a choice but to interact with him. His little head tilts upwards, and the kid’s eyes widen. Tommy waves awkwardly. “Hey there,” Tommy greets. Michael just stares at him, for a bit.
But, then, he reaches out for Tommy, and Tommy’s breath stutters.
Carefully, Tommy kneels down. Michael instantly lets out a delighted noise, standing up and toddling over to Tommy. Tommy braces himself – Michael hasn’t touched him for a good few weeks, now, and Tommy doesn’t know how he’ll react. Michael doesn’t have any reservations, though, stumbling directly into Tommy’s lap.
Tommy winces, scrunching his eyes shut and bracing himself, but- there’s no pain.
Instead, there’s a little squeal of joy, and Tommy opens his eyes to see Michael snuggling as close as he can to Tommy’s chest. His little hands tangle into Tommy’s shirt. Tommy can’t stop himself from smiling a bit, bringing his own hands up to prop Michael up a bit more securely in his lap.
Suddenly, he realizes just why Tubbo and Ranboo love this kid so much.
“He’s a sweet kid, isn’t he.” Tommy jerks his head over his shoulder to see Tubbo. Tubbo’s got an easy smile on his face, eyes alight. Tommy’s glad to see it – Tubbo had been down, had been sad before Tommy got trapped in the prison. And- he still hasn’t been as bright and happy as he had been before everything happened, but Ranboo and Michael have obviously been good for him. Tommy’s glad.
Tommy looks back down at Michael. He snorts soon after – he’s wearing a hoodie, and Michael’s obviously found the string that goes through his hood entertaining, batting it from side to side. “Yeah, he is,” Tommy answers. Tubbo comes and kneels down next to Tommy, leaning slightly into him, and snorts.
“He’s like a cat,” Tubbo says in amusement. Tommy snickers, forcing himself to relax against the instinct to tense when he’s touched.
“He really is.”
“Hey, don’t call our son a cat!” Ranboo interjects. Tommy glances over to see Ranboo making his way over to Tommy’s other side, kneeling down next to Tommy. He carefully slides an arm around Tommy’s shoulders, and Tommy closes his eyes for a brief moment before leaning back into him.
Tommy retorts, “He’s acting like one, though.”
Tubbo reaches around Tommy to ruffle Michael’s hair. Michael lets out a squeal of delight, letting go of Tommy’s hoodie string to butt his head further into Tommy’s chest. Tommy’s breath hitches.
“You’re alright,” Tubbo whispers before Tommy’s nervousness can rear up again. Michael lets out a little giggle, snuggling his head further into Tommy’s chest, and a little bubble of something expands and bursts in Tommy’s chest. He feels his lips split into a grin, and he presses his forehead up against Michael’s. Tubbo laughs softly, leaning further into Tommy’s side, and Ranboo’s arm tightens around Tommy’s shoulders.
“Yeah,” Tommy agrees quietly. “I’m alright.”
And for the first time in forever, Tommy actually believes it.