Work Text:
…that this death fails to destroy me altogether means that I want to live wildly, madly, and that therefore the fear of my own death is always there, not displaced by a single inch.
—Roland Barthes, Mourning Diary, trans. Richard Howard (2010)
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Hello!
Dear Spock,
How’s New Vulcan treating you? The Enterprise is okay. Your counterpart seems to be warming up to me a little, though he still spends most of his time coming up with extravagant romantic gestures for Lt. Uhura. Well, I can certainly respect that! Bones is doing well too, although I think he still hates Spock Jr. pretty passionately. Is there anyone else on the ship you’d like updates on? Please take care and stay safe, and let me know if there’s anything at all I can do for you, up to and including murder.
Love,
Jim
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Hello!
My dearest Jim,
Thank you for writing to me! It’s absolutely wonderful to hear from you. New Vulcan is okay! Our new atmosphere is much thinner than Vulcan Prime’s, so that’s taken a bit of adjustment, especially given the higher injury rate it tends to incur. It isn’t kind to someone of my advanced age, I fear! But the vistas are metaphorically breathtaking, too. Even Sarek seems to appreciate them, and he still appears to be an old coot even when he’s under the age of one hundred. It certainly is easier to deal with him when he’s several times younger than I am! Don’t be surprised if your Spock has numerous secret relatives. I think my Jim only ever met three of my relatives. Sarek and my mother certainly did have an interesting relationship, to say the least!
As for updates, I considered myself to be friends with Scotty, Chapel, Sulu, and Chekov, so I wouldn’t mind hearing about what they’re up to. And, of course, yourself! Your counterpart was the great love of my life, after all.
Love,
Spock
P. S. I was friends with Bones and Uhura too. Obviously.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Hello!
Dear Spock,
Thank you! I guess I did pick up on that from your memories. And much as I’d like him to be my Spock, I’m pretty sure he still loathes me. Or just hates me; I think loathing implies a certain lack of indifference he doesn’t possess. He won’t even play chess with me. It’s sort of depressing. But Sulu seems to like me, and so do Scotty and Chekov! And I think Uhura at least respects me now. She certainly seemed to appreciate it when I asked about how evolution using different elements might influence the development of language. I didn’t think about how sapient crystals might have a more robust collective unconscious, but it certainly is an interesting idea! No wonder the other you is so in love with her.
Bones is currently tearing his hair out over some kind of Andorian pox that’s been going around, though I haven’t caught it yet. Chekov and Sulu both have, so they’ve been spending a lot of time bundled up in Sulu’s garden eating soup. Scotty has started a biweekly poker game for lower decks crew that I’m not invited to, but it seems like they’ve all been having a lot of fun, though Bones has had to cure them of alcohol poisoning more than once. But at least they’re going to him instead of dying in their quarters after hours, I guess. Chapel has been helping out with the plague, too, and appears to be pining rather hopelessly after Gaila. Understandably so, of course, but Gaila is what I’d call “unbelievably heterosexual.” She’s like a Kinsey -5. She’s unbelievably cis, too. She really is wonderful.
Please take care, and let me know how you’re doing, and know that I love you a truly ludicrous amount.
XOXO,
Jim
P. S. Do you have any ideas for suggestions I could give Spock re: Uhura? Maybe if I had a good idea he’d look me in the eyes for more than about three seconds. Do you think that might work?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Flowers
Dear Commander Sulu,
Do you know of any sentient, but not sapient, plants that are capable of basic linguistic communication? With the caveat that their recipient might not be able to tend to them daily? Thanks in advance.
Sincerely,
Lt. Cmdr S’chn T’gai Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Flowers
Spock—
I’m attaching a list of plants I think Nyota would like. It includes their various care requirements and risk factors. Let me know what you end up choosing, would you?
Cheers,
Sulu
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: (No Subject)
My beloved lovely beautiful Old Man Spock—
I’m very drunk and dictating this so please don’t hold it against me in the morning. But I just wanted to let you know how passionately I adore you. If you ever want to fuck if your junk still works I am VERY down. Obviously if that’s creepy ignore me. But I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you. Or maybe with Spock Jr.? Both of you probably. Anyway I love you SO much. And you’re hot as fuck.
Yours,
Jim
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: (No Subject)
Dear Jim,
Thank you very much for your kind words, which I most certainly do not hold against you. I hope your hangover is not too severe. I love you very much too. As for the state of my “junk”—no comment. But I think perhaps you should seek a partner who is not ten times your age.
Affectionately,
Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: (No Subject)
AGH I’M SO SORRY KILL ME NOW
And my hangover wasn’t too bad. Thank you.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: (No Subject)
I’m glad to hear it. 😘
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Jim
Dear Spock,
Would you be willing to consider striking up a friendship with Jim? I know you got off to a rocky start, but he loves you a truly ridiculous amount; he even asked me for advice to give you in regards to wooing Lt. Uhura, and I’m pretty sure he’s head-over-heels in love with you. Would you at least think about taking pity and playing a game of chess with him? It’s kind of sad, and I’m sure you know I worry myself half to death over him. Please take care either way.
Sincerely,
Spock
P. S. Our father would obviously never send his greetings or his love, but he did seem interested when I mentioned I was writing to you. And write to our poor sister too, would you? She worries about you to the point of insanity. Georgiou said that when I wrote to her she almost wept.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Jim
Spock,
Fine.
Spock
P. S. He is most certainly NOT in love with me. He hates me. You should get checked for signs of dementia. Obviously your brain is deteriorating rapidly.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hello!
Dear Jim,
My Uhura adored singing, and I was fairly competent with a lyre; might I suggest musical instruments as a gift? Or possibly you could organize a karaoke night. I always enjoyed exercising with my Jim, too. The red hot pants were of particular interest to me, though I doubt your Spock would admit that. And certainly I wouldn’t want to break him and Lt. Uhura up if they’re happy together; her counterpart and I certainly did our fair share of flirtation, though she always said she considered her one true love to be linguistics.
I’m sorry you haven’t been able to participate in Mr. Scott’s poker games, though I certainly admire your responsibility. In the future we had holodecks where individuals could play out virtual stories; perhaps you could bring them up with him? I suspect he’d see it as a delightful challenge. Poor Jean-Luc Picard, who has to be one of the least social starship captains I’ve ever met, certainly did seem to take great comfort in them. You might consider introducing synthehol, too; certainly people complain, but only dedicated alcoholics can generally tell the difference, and it’s probably better to know now if that’s the case on the Enterprise.
As for myself—I’m well! Poor Sarek is still in the throes of mourning, but I lost my mother long ago. It’s been very interesting integrating our traditions with an alien ecosystem, though of course I have been mourning Vulcan as deeply as he has Amanda. As have we all; it helps to have everyone together, though of course none of us would ever admit it. But the loss of culture is really only trumped by the loss of life; both tend to be overwhelming. I’m certainly very grateful to have you, and all of my remaining family. Please take care, and write when you can, and try to have some fun. For me, if not for yourself.
Love,
Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Book Club?
Dear Spock,
Do you want to read a book (or books?) together? If that sounds like fun to you we could make lists of books we’d both like to read and cross-reference them? Or we could take turns choosing books. I’d like to read more philosophy than I really get the chance to now. Metaphysics are crazy interesting to me too! We met Apollo the other day, it was completely nuts. Did you ever meet him? Though I guess metaphysics is a branch of philosophy, ha ha. Anyway, let me know what you think!
Love,
Jim
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Book Club?
Dear Jim,
That sounds like a splendid idea! I’m attaching a list, as you suggested. Perhaps the poststructuralists would be of particular interest, considering your efforts to befriend Lt. Uhura. Let me know what catches your eye, and we’ll come up with a schedule! And yes, I did meet Apollo. Quite the brat, isn’t he? I hope poor Miss Palamas managed to keep a cooler head this time.
Love,
Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: We should get married
My dearest Spock,
Hey there my most beloved precious treasured of all beings in every universe! I’m drunk again. I’ve just been sitting around thinking about how beautiful you are! And how much I would love to get railed by you during your pon farr. Do you still get those? Are you too old? I hope not. Or so? Whichever option involves us boning.
I love you so much it’s ridiculous!!! And I’m 100% willing to work creatively with non-functional junk. Just so you know.
As always, yours,
Jim
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: We should get married
Dear Captain Kirk,
I believe you mixed up your Spocks. I would caution you to pay closer attention to the recipients of your intoxicated communiques in the future.
Sincerely,
Lt. Cmdr S’chn T’gai Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: We should get married
HOLY SHIT I AM SO SORRY
I don’t suppose there’s any way you’d be willing to just forget that I’ve been drunkenly propositioning your counterpart, is there?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: We should get married
Apology accepted. And no, there most certainly is not.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello!
Dear Spock,
Thanks for the advice! Spock Jr. finally accepted my invitation to play chess after I suggested he get a theremin for Lt. Uhura. She seemed to really like it, and she and Spock are organizing an arts night in a few weeks! I think she thought it was tacky when I suggested karaoke, presumably because she just thinks I’m a fucking idiot, presumably because I am, but she’s also seemed happier than usual ever since! It’s something, I suppose.
Bones and Chapel have finally eradicated the pox, but we all started aging really fast after visiting a cursed outpost. Well, contaminated, I don’t think there was actually a curse. But it was certainly wacky! It was kind of fun until I realized I was losing my cognitive functions, at which point it just became absolutely terrifying, but they both seemed to view it more as a medical marvel than a traumatic incident. Chapel’s taking the first author position on the paper they’re writing, anyway.
Scotty seemed to like the idea for the holodecks! He’s gotten Chekov and Uhura on board, so Spock and Sulu seem to be spending more time together. Spock took the idea to exercise and started learning fencing from Sulu, too, though he blew me off when I suggested wrestling. Well, I’m nothing if not persistent! I’m certainly trying my best to have fun. One of these days, I guess. At least I have chess to look forward to! And Bones never actually evicts me from Sickbay, though he does complain copiously.
Take care, and let me know what you’re up to! I’m sorry everyone’s still having such a hard time, though I certainly understand why. Let me know if there’s anything I can do. They certainly are lucky to have you around.
Love,
Jim
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Greetings
Dear Michael,
How is life aboard the Shenzhou? Have you been by New Vulcan at all? My counterpart says he’s been in contact with you, and requested I reach out. What do you think of your crew and duties? Life on the Enterprise is very satisfying. I am both First Officer and Science Officer, so my duties can be challenging, though they’re certainly rewarding, too. I know our mother was very proud of you, and so am I.
Sincerely,
Lt. Cmdr S’chn T’gai Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Greetings
Dear Spock,
Thank you for the letter. I am doing fine, and found it very satisfactory to hear from you. Life aboard the Shenzhou is similar, though our tasks are different; rather than science as a second job, I seem to do an obscene amount of diplomatic labor instead. We’re still renegotiating the finer details of Section 58, Clause 37, Subsection 416 of the treaty with the Romulans, which is exactly as mind-numbingly boring as it sounds. At least Saru seems to be enjoying it.
Please try to keep in better touch from now on, and look after yourself.
Sincerely,
Lt. Commander Michael Burnham
P. S. Mom was proud of you too.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Barthes
Dear Spock,
Great choice for our first book! Mourning Diary certainly is a strange little tome, isn’t it? I find myself wanting to take notes on just about every page. Barthes seems to take such simultaneously oppositional stances on what death represents, doesn’t he? Something which both induces “futuromania” and forces one into a kind of endless, eternal, unpredictable state of grief. Do you think New Vulcan could benefit from reflecting on him at all? I think he has a point about wanting to rush away from that which is a priori devastating while running towards an idealized version of the future. How do you approach the emotivity angle? Do Vulcans have mourning rituals, or are you expected not to grieve at all? How does that work in practice?
I wonder if I could relate more to my Spock that way too—by trying to be considerate of his mourning needs after what happened to Vulcan and his mother. Or do you think he’d think I’m being invasive? It’s not that I don’t trust Uhura, but clearly poor You Jr. can use all the help he can get. Let me know what you think so far, and take care!
All my love,
Jim
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Barthes
Dear Jim,
Thank you for writing to me! I’m glad you’re interested in the book so far. Vulcans generally have funerals, but the specific approach to mourning depends on the family; as my mother was Jewish, we tend to observe Jewish rites of mourning. My father is observing shneim asar chodesh in Amanda’s honor. Typically this is reserved for one’s own parent, but he is honoring the rest of Vulcan as well, and the lack of a body has made closure much more difficult. Not that he would admit any of this, of course. Vulcans tend to guard our emotions rather religiously, as I know you’re well aware. Perhaps our experience is an odd opposite of what Barthes describes in his June 24, 1978 entry; we have rejected a proscribed codification of externalized mourning in favor of a totalizing internalization.
I’m sure Spock would be interested, but I suspect he would have a difficult time with the discussion of maternal death. Perhaps you should see what Lt. Uhura thinks?
Love,
Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Fwd: Re: Barthes
Dear Lt. Uhura,
Do you want to get in on this conversation I’m having with Old Spock? Have you ever read Barthes? I don’t think I even realized my mom spent my entire life grieving my dad until I read Mourning Diary! Feel free to ignore me or tell me to fuck off if I’m bothering you, but I wanted to at least invite you; lord knows you love your Spock at least as much as I love mine.
Best,
Jim
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: T'nar pak sorat y'rani!
Dear Ambassador Spock,
I didn’t realize you’ve been corresponding with Captain Kirk! Are you guys dating? He certainly does adore you; when I brought you up he smiled so much I thought he might be possessed for a minute. And he’s talked about you every time we’ve chatted since! That poor guy seemed so happy to talk to me. I don’t think I’ve given him a fair chance. Thanks for helping him try again! And I hope we can keep corresponding privately too. Any interesting linguistic developments over the next hundred years? Or are they all void because of the temporal wackiness that’s unfolded over the past thirty?
Sincerely,
Lt. Nyota Uhura
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: T'nar pak sorat y'rani!
Dear Nyota,
Tonk'peh! It is wonderful to hear from you. Please feel free to use any and all familiarities; your counterpart and I were the dearest of friends. And yes, I certainly have been talking with Jim! That poor boy is unbelievably lonely, for all that he hides behind bravado. At least some remnants of my connection with his counterpart remain; as we were t’hy’la, I can still sense any version of him anywhere in a concurrently inhabited universe. But no, we aren’t dating; I may be a bit looser than my counterpart, but even I find our age gap a bit inappropriate. And he seems to spend most of his time pining for your boyfriend anyway.
And certainly we can keep corresponding privately! I’m attaching a few linguistics texts your counterpart wrote; please let me know what you think, and take care!
Sincerely,
Ambassador Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Kirk
Yeah, that guy is definitely head-over-heels in love with you. The other Spock said you’re soulmates? Do you want to break up? I love you, but I’m not sure that we’ll work out if you have a fucking soulmate. Why don’t we take a break and you spend a bit of time with him and decide whether the other you was full of shit or not? I can wait a few weeks, though I’m sure as fuck not going to wait any longer than that. Feel free to come by my rooms if you want to have (temporary?) breakup sex first.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Help
Dear Michael,
Lt. Uhura broke up with me because she thinks Captain Kirk is in love with me. Do you have any idea what I’m supposed to do about this?
Sincerely,
Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Help
Spock—
Ask him out. Or you’re a chicken.
Mike
P. S. You should introduce me to Uhura too. She sounds hot. Is she bisexual?
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Cc: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Fwd: Re: Barthes
Dear Jim and Spock,
Thanks for looping me in on the conversation! Of course I read Barthes in school, but it certainly is interesting to return to him again after I’ve gone out and lived a bit of life.
What did you both think of the phrase “memento illam vixisse”? The given translation is “remember that she lived”, but given Barthes’s profound torment, it doesn’t strike me as nearly evocative enough, even if it is a technically competent translation. I’m enjoying the way he plays with punctuation, too! Please let me know what else you two read; I’d love to continue continuing the conversation.
Best,
Nyota
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Stop Interfering In My Personal Life
Spock,
You remember that “lover” is only a component definition of t’hy’la, don’t you? Stop interfering in my personal life. It is going to take me weeks to convince Nyota that I’m not secretly in love with Jim.
Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Stop Interfering In My Personal Life
Dear Me,
No. You definitely are secretly in love with him. I can feel you psychically, kiddo. We’re the same person, remember?
Sincerely,
You
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Stop Interfering In My Personal Life
I hate you.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Hello!
Dear Jim,
I’m glad you’re making progress with my counterpart! Nyota seems to be very glad she gave you another chance, so hopefully he will be too. Have you considered joining him and Sulu in learning fencing? I know Sulu always liked you.
I’m glad the holodeck idea has some traction! Perhaps your other crew members would enjoy coding preliminary programs? Fiction and skills-based games always proved to be particularly popular, as did meeting historical figures, though I’d recommend against allowing any iteration of James Moriarty aboard, even in hologram form. Have you considered bringing aboard a ship’s counselor as well? They began to gain traction after your time, but always seemed to be tremendously helpful in mediating disputes, especially in diplomatic contexts. It certainly couldn’t hurt to ask!
As for myself: I continue to be well. We’re currently working on modifying our constitution to make sense with such a drastically reduced population, which is both as tedious and as depressing as it sounds. But I think I’ve been hiking more in the past year than I have in the previous fifty combined. The suns continue to astound and delight, as do the local flora and fauna.
As always, take care, be well, and let me know how you’re doing.
Love,
Spock
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Love Letter Draft (DO NOT SEND)
God damn it Jim when are you going to get it through your thick head that he is never going to want you. This is completely pathetic. STOP PINING FOR SOMEONE WHO HATES YOU
Dear Spock,
I know you probably think that I’m in love with your counterpart, and in a lot of ways you’re right. He’s as brilliant, passionate, funny, kind, and sexy as you are. But I love you as much as I love him. Probably more. He was made for another universe’s Jim Kirk; I was made for you.
I was made for you. It’s easy to see why. I love you, Spock. I love everything about you. Not because you’re him, but because you’re you. I love your ears and your eyes and your hands and your mouth; I love your mind. I love the way you challenge and defend and defy me. I love how you build everyone around you up, even when we don’t deserve it. I love your sense of humor and the vastness of your love for others. I love your curiosity and reverence for the world.
I love you. I think I’ve loved you since about ten minutes after I met him. I don’t expect you to want or accept or be grateful for my love, but you have it anyway. The universe seems to think that I belong to you, in whatever form you come, and I don’t think it’s my place to question that magnitude of cosmic judgement. Not that I would want to anyway. I belong to you, which means I’m yours to do with as you will. Please let me down gently, and tell me how I can help you. It’s what I want most. You’re what I want most. In any form you’re willing to accept me, please know that I’m yours.
Love,
Jim
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Love Letter Draft (DO NOT SEND)
FUCK SORRY I DIDN’T MEAN TO SEND THAT PLEASE IGNORE ME
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Re: Love Letter Draft (DO NOT SEND)
Absolutely not. I will see you momentarily.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Subject: Great News!
Dear Spock,
So, your younger self and I got together! I guess you were right about him being my Spock after all. Thanks for all the help, and I’ll get back to you about our reading as soon as Spock decides to start letting me out of bed again! Hopefully it’ll be a couple of weeks. Take care, and talk soon!
Love,
Jim