Chapter Text
It was a glorious morning in Los Santos. The birds were chirping, a plane had just almost crashed at LSIA, and the bums were loitering outside the Vanilla Unicorn. The smell of smog filled the air. Shrek and his good friend Donkey were among the crowd, though they were no bums. Shrek had a PhD in ...pharmaceuticals, shall we say..., and Donkey was a well respected speech therapist. Donkey was about the only person Shrek could stand right now.
"Man, I just wish things could be like they were in the beginning. You know... during the quest,” Shrek complained to Donkey. “Now Fiona is so busy at the hospital and Dragon is so caught up at the office. No one has any time to chill anymore. It’s all work, work, work.” Shrek exhaled dramatically. The sound of "Work" by Rihanna slipped through the open window of the club.
“Oh, I know what you mean Shrek. Dragon’s always bitchin’ to me about her day. It’s never about us!” Donkey chimed in. "But hey, we're on vacation, forget about them. Let's go have us a good time." The pair entered the Vanilla Unicorn, still talking.
“And can you believe the triplets are already almost 16 next week,” Shrek added. “Jesus Donkey, they’re growing up so fast, I mean, Felicia even has a boyfriend now. That’s just an extra set of worries.”
“Yeah like se-,” chimed Donkey before Shrek cut him off.
“Like what Donkey, I don’t even want to think about that. She’s too young,” yelled Shrek.
Donkey reassured Shrek saying, “What! I was just going to say sending her off with money.”
“If he’s a gentleman, he’ll pay,” Shrek said expressing his morals.
“Come on Shrek,” Donkey refuted saying, “It’s 2022. The times are changing. Hell, I let my Dragon pay when we go out to dinner.”
“Oh, I can see chivalry isn’t dead in the donkey compound,” Shrek said sarcastically. “I put my Fiona through medical school, I can say that I support women’s rights.”
“Fuck you, you fucking misogynistic asshole. Claiming she’s yours. Saying ‘my Fiona’. Have you even been honest with her about getting fired at the potion factory,” Donkey said calling Shrek out.
Shrek was put off by the question, but answered saying, “No, but hopefully this vacation will relax her and she won’t be so mad when I tell her. Now let’s just enjoy our day without the gang.” Shrek then pulled out a wad of ones out of his pocket. He chuckled as he said, “They never suspected a thing.”
“Shrek where did you tell them we were going anyways?” asked Donkey.
“Oh, I just said we were golfing,” answered Shrek as he mimed the movement of a golfer swinging a driver.
Donkey refuted saying, “Shrek I don’t even have opposable thumbs! How would they believe that?"
“I never said you were golfing, I mean, I need a gab wedge,” Shrek laughed as he thought of the wittiness of his pun.
Shrek made his way over to the side of the club and ordered a drink. A lime mojito with extra salt was sure to help him ignore Donkey's prattling conversations and focus on the finer points of the day. An announcer came onto the loudspeaker and told the crowd that a stripper named Clementine was about to take the stage. Shrek swiveled in his chair and was astonished by the woman stepping onto the raised platform in the center of the club. He felt like he was in love and fell into a daze as "2 become 1" by the Spice Girls filled the room. He snapped out of the dream when Donkey bit his foot.
"Come on man, you can't be disrespectin' Fiona like that. I mean, what would the triplets say?", questioned Donkey.
Shrek sighed again. "Donkey, if you're really worried about our wives finding out about us here, why did you come? Look, I see a young hot mama checking you out over there."
"Really? Me? Man do you really think she's into me? Better go find out, we'd make a couple cute pairs of ass." Donkey said excitedly, then scampered off.
"Ah, now it's my turn to make a move, without interruption," noted Shrek. He made his way over to the side of the club, where Clementine had just emerged from backstage. "How about you and me go for a little ride, Clementine?", asked Shrek hopefully.
"I'd love to, big boy. But I don't think I can do it alone... Hey, Peaches, come over here and help me out!", called Clementine to her fellow stripper.
Shrek didn't think this day could get any better. The trio made their way into the back and 30 minutes later, they all sat together, out of breath.
"That'll be $399, plus tax", demanded Clementine, her mood changing from sexy to serious.
"$399?! For a half-ass job by you and your unattractive friend? Unreal! My wife gives it to me better, and we haven't done it in 7 months!", yelled Shrek angrily.
"Fine," said Peaches calmly. "If you don't think our services were up to your standards, take it up with the boss. TREVOR!," she then screamed behind her.
Shrek quickly walked to the hallway he had come into the private room by, but could not remember which curtain lead to the exit. He broke into a run and chose the curtain on the left. To his dismay, the curtain opened to reveal the stage, which Shrek was now halfway down and not slowing his pace at all. He dove off the stage, pushing a male stripper off the pole in his wake.
"DONKEY! RUN!," bellowed Shrek as he and his friend reached the exit. Outside Shrek was tackled by a security guard. The guard pulled a gun on the two, but aimed directly at Shrek.
“I don’t want to paint the pavement green,” said the security guard coldly.
Thinking quickly while the guard had his piece focused on Shrek, Donkey kicked the security guard in the knees with his hoofs of steel, disarming the threat and knocking him to the ground. Shrek quickly rose to his feet, grabbed the gun, and popped the guard twice in the head, a full unload of the weapon. The door to the club flung open and a man emerged, enraged at the sight.
"WHO THE FUCK DO YOU TWO ASSWIPES THINK YOU ARE COMING INTO MY FUCKING CLUB, DESTROYING MY PROPERTY, REFUSING TO PAY, AND KILLING MY FUCKING SECURITY GUARD?", stormed the man.
"I don't know man, who the fuck is asking," cracked Donkey, feeling like a badass for his little stunt.
"I OWN THIS PLACE. I'M TREVOR MOTHERFUCKING PHILLIPS YOU SHIT BRAINED ASSHOLE," he roared. His voice dropped to no more than a whisper. "...And now I own you too... you're gonna pay me back for the damages you caused, or you'll end up like Julio here. That is... if you survive my requests."
"What a load a'--", Shrek began to say.
"I didn’t fucking tell you to speak, you hideous beast,” replied Trevor. Shrek and Donkey cowered in fear. The overwhelming consensus in both of their minds was that death was soon to follow this encounter; however, the man propositioned them with a new “quest”.
“Listen fuckers, I need two men for a job. I need a muscle, and I need transportation. You two fit the bill. You’ll pay me back through this job, but you have to fucking meet me here every day at noon until the heist, understand?!? If you don’t appear here, I’ll find you and kill not you, but everyone you love… And then you,” Trevor threatened them.
This was not how Shrek had thought this vacation was going to go, but he had no choice but to accept this offer. Shrek and Donkey were then sent off knowing they had to return the next day. They did not venture far, fearing for their lives.