Chapter Text
“Hey…are you headed home?” Dani asked suddenly as Malcolm turned back around at the sound of her voice. They’d finished for the night, it had been another long day chasing after an unhinged killer but it paled in comparison to what was on his mind lately–the unhinged killer in his life.
His sister and her deranged way of getting back at him. Drenching herself in pig’s blood and pretending she’d blacked out and killed someone–something she’d done once and had almost done another time.
The prank was harrowing, but it was the idea that his little sister resented him so much for honestly trying to help her. He felt himself falling apart but Ainsley didn’t care. Her hazel eyes were cold and unfeeling. His pain didn’t matter. The solidarity he thought they had, it didn’t exist.
It cut him deeply but nothing hurt more than knowing he should’ve seen it coming–he was trained to–but he hadn’t. He put away killers but he'd helped one and she reveled in the fact that she'd taken a life and no one knew. She loved the power–the control. The signs had been there but he chose to ignore them.
I don’t know who I am anymore, he’d brokenly exhaled to someone who simply didn’t care because like their father, she was incapable.
Focusing on Dani as she slipped her bag over her shoulder. His partner regarded him with something he couldn’t place, her dark eyes were soft. Her achingly pretty face was open and it took everything he had not to reach for her–not to run his thumb along the high arch of her cheekbone–desperate to learn if her skin was as soft as it looked.
I have given up everything for you. And here he was looking at everything in front of him. He couldn’t help but think of the dream. He hadn’t been able to stop.
He thought he’d never had a choice and he was right to tell his father just that even if it tore the skin off his bones to finally have the woman he loved in his arms and in his life only to have to give her up. It was either dying happy or living miserably–or so he thought.
“Yeah…” He answered her after a few moments as memories flooded his consciousness of him and Dani on the couch in his sunlit apartment. Her legs in his lap, her hands cupping his face. The two of them comfortably and familiarly intertwined. How she kissed him so softly yet soundly and how he let himself linger–soaking in the moment. How he felt loved for what he knew to be the first time.
“Um…okay then…I guess, I’ll see you later,” Dani said after a moment of studying him, looking as though he were a book she’d read before–familiarity and fondness seeping through her steady gaze just as she turned to leave.
“Dani, wait!”
His partner stopped, ducking her head back into the room, “Yeah?”
Malcolm took a shaky breath, “Uh…I actually have a car waiting outside. I can take you home…if you’d like…”
Dani blinked, her rose brown painted lips forming an “o” of surprise before a dimpled smile spread over them, “That would be nice…”
Malcolm nodded as he smiled in return, reaching for his coat as he grabbed his bag, stuffing case files and his iPad into it–feeling as though he’d done a good thing for once.
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“Here, let me…” Malcolm murmured as he helped Dani out of her black maxi coat after just after she’d locked the door to her apartment. The notes of her bergamot and pachouli perfume filled his nose–he didn’t know exactly what she wore but it smelled amazing and he couldn’t believe that he hadn’t noticed it before.
He’d never actually been to her place before. He looked around cataloguing details that made up the person he knew. Her apartment was small but very…cozy. His eyes landed on a plush teal loveseat/chaise lounge hybrid in her living room, covered with white and neutral decorative pillows. Behind the loveseat were shelves with plants, cacti, various figurines and books–he spied Jesmyn Ward, Toni Morrison and William Faulkner–curiously enough.
The idea that she’d read a few of the same books he did sent a strange something running through him. Something that felt intimate, knowing that he was in her space and seeing the things few others did. Dani kept to herself and she let no one in–they were the same in that way–but she let him in.
He didn’t think much about it before but now, he couldn’t stop thinking about that either.
“You…um…didn’t have to buy all this,” Dani motioned to the two oversized bags of takeout he’d ordered on the way to her place. A smile that shown through her dark eyes warming him from the inside out. “It’s very sweet of you though.”
“I…uh…” Malcolm searched for words that didn’t ordinarily come to him when it came to Dani and all the good intentions he had but could never prove. “It’s been a long day…” he finished lamely.
“You can’t leave me to eat all of this by myself…” Dani said pointedly with a raised brow and a smile playing at her nude pained lips as he unconsciously trailed behind her, making their way into her kitchen–another cozy and eclectic space with plants and spices and plates on full display. It appeared she actually cooked in her kitchen–very much unlike him.
“Okay…I mean, I can try eating…” Malcolm closed his eyes. Try eating? He scolded himself internally for sounding like an inarticulate five year old. He really was out of practice with companionship and he didn’t do things like this–as simple as it was–with past flames. “You know, if you want me to eat with you.”
Dani smiled fully and he saw it reflecting through her eyes–a softness he couldn’t believe was for him, “I was hoping you would.”
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“So…were you different in the dream?” Dani asked curiously as as she forked a piece of sweet and sour chicken. “Sorry…I’ve still been thinking about how you literally did the impossible.”
Malcolm looked up, from the food he’d been more or less pushing around his plate. The question took him by surprise. He thought about it and he wasn’t sure how to answer because he had been different. He slept while holding her, the first thing he did in the morning was brew the two of them coffee instead of taking antidepressants, antipsychotics and amphetamines and he didn’t collect murder weapons.
But that him and the person he was now had merged to become one and he wasn’t different at all. His hand trembled and his trauma nipped at the edges of his mind–the way it always did and it didn’t help his cause that he was now flooded with awareness that he wanted more from Dani–more than he’d previously let himself imagine.
He shouldn’t want more. After all, he was a monster. He looked into the mirror every day and every night and didn’t recognize the man staring back. No, he shouldn’t want more but that didn’t in any way alleviate the ache he felt everywhere at once that he didn’t just want Dani’s closeness–he craved it.
“I think so…” he said finally, “I was less complicated.”
“There’s that word again…” Dani tilted her head in that way she did when she knew he was being evasive.
Malcolm smiled a bit sadly, “It’s true.”
He had been easier to deal with and to…love. He hadn’t seen her worry and concern until the real him started awakening. When he wanted to run off and talk to Karina instead of staying on the couch, cozily talking to her–something he must’ve done all the time if he were normal.
“Maybe but less complicated doesn’t mean better. I mean, clearly you were still chasing after killers and running headlong into danger…” Dani smiled softly, “I don’t think you were so different at all.”
Malcolm couldn’t help but smile back and he didn’t know what was written across his face but he had the sneaking suspicion she could see his heart if she looked close enough and the truth was that it was Dani–and only she ever had.
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“You seem far away,” Dani’s voice cut into his internal musings as she retuned from putting their plates away–something he’d offered to do as a thank you for spending time with him.
He looked up, knowing he’d heard that too only she wasn’t as close as he apparently craved her.
Dani didn’t know it, but she couldn’t stop giving him reminders of the way she had been in the dream. The tender yet intent way she listened to him talk about not deserving the life he found himself in and the way she reassured him that he deserved all of it. That he was the best person she knew.
All he remembered is how his heart sung hearing that–only to come to the realization that he was living his wildest dream and how much it hurt knowing it wasn’t real.
Maybe it could be?
He didn’t know when he started letting himself hope but having none grew harder and harder and just once, he wanted something for himself but that came with a cost.
Dani tilted her head, looking at Bright seeing him cross-legged and hugging one of her pillows after she’d told him he could be more comfortable with his skinny navy tie loosened and his suit coat neatly draped over one of her island chairs. She smiled a bit to herself, seeing that bit of childlike innocence she sometimes did but sobering quickly as he looked…troubled.
He did often. She knew he there was something he’d been keeping inside. She’d seen him whispering furiously into the phone, ducking in and out of corners. She knew he wasn’t doing fine. She’d known that for awhile and for a moment, he’d let her see. He’d let the walls slip just a little and he let her in. I’m overthinking it and just like that, the walls were back up and as high as ever. A smile he didn’t feel overtaking his face.
“Is there something you wanna talk about?” Dani asked softly as she shifted, mirroring his posture and hoping this would be the time he let her in–he opened up. Fear and apprehension flooded his eyes–crystalline and shining silver in the low lamplight of her apartment.
“It’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you but…I don’t know how,” Bright took a deep breath, squeezing the pillow almost hugging it. “I know what happened to Endicott…and I know who’s responsible.”
Careful not to let the ice that crept down her spine show in her face, she responded slowly, “You do?”
Her voice sounding foreign and far away to her own ears. She gave a silent prayer that he was not about to tell her what she thought he was. She clasped her hands in her lap as her hand started to tremble and her heart beat in her ears.
“It was Ainsley…” he said in a voice barely above a whisper. Tears began to well up in his eyes, “It all happened so fast…one minute he was standing there, ranting about how he owned us now and then…she snuck up behind him. She slit his throat and stabbed him in the chest seven times until he fell to the floor.”
Malcolm didn’t even realize the tears were running down his face and he was crying openly–something he never let anyone see until he felt Dani’s cool, gentle fingertips wiping them away–her hand trembling slightly.
“I am so sorry you had to see that, Malcolm,” Dani exhaled, her voice thick as the tears started to prickle her throat and ears. She couldn’t imagine how it must’ve felt witnessing something like that and having to live with it, suffering in silence and alone. She wouldn’t wish that loneliness and trauma on anyone and certainly not him.
Malcolm closed his eyes as everything–the guilt, the pain, the fear–coalesced around the compassion and understanding no one had shown him until now.
“But I’m not innocent in all this…” He knew this was the moment it all came crashing down, the moment he’d be left in the cold and in the dark–the way he always was–the way he had always been–the way he always would be. “I–I helped cover it up…I dismembered the body, limb from limb and disposed of him myself. I wrapped him up in my grandma’s rug and sent him overseas…I’m a monster, Dani.”
The last of his words, choking him as a sob built in his chest. He didn’t want to break down in front of her in her home. He didn’t want the broken pieces of whatever he had left on full display the moment she asked him to leave. He wanted to stand in the ache–that was all he knew how to do.
He almost didn’t realize when Dani gently took the pillow from his lap and wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly to her. He couldn’t help when all of the fight left and he melted into her. He didn’t deserve it but he couldn’t remember the last time anyone comforted him when he was hurting–if anyone ever had.
Every trauma and every pain, he stood until the levee on his heart broke and when it did–he broke and he broke alone.
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“You’re not a monster, Malcolm,” Dani soothed, wrapping a hand around the back of his neck, her fingers running through his hair as the other rubbed his back.
Burying his face into her shoulder, choking back a sob, “No…you don’t understand…I enjoyed it…I hate myself for it but I didn’t hate doing it…I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know who I am anymore.”
Dani leaned back for a moment, seeing him shattered. Bright reminded her of splintered glass, the cracks migrating just before the eventual ruin. She cupped his cheeks, “I know who you are. You give everything you have–everything you are to help others. You’re strong and good…you’re the best person I know.”
Malcolm looked at her as if she were an oasis in the desert but praying this wasn’t another mirage.
“Whatever you felt when you did all that…it’s not who you are. You’re not this thing you’ve done. You don’t hurt people,” Dani stroked his stubbled cheek, her nearly black eyes shining with tenderness.
Malcolm shook his head, unwilling to believe this could all be so easy. Unwilling to believe that he could be soothed instead of punished, the way he was each time he opened his heart, “You can’t be sure…” his voice broke.
“I am because I know you…I didn’t before but you’ve shown me…” Dani slowly moved from his face to rest her hand gently against his rapidly beating heart. “You’ve shown me this and it’s good.”
At those words, Malcolm found himself crumbling, unraveling and coming undone. He crumpled into himself as the sobs wracked his frame and when Dani pulled him into her–his head against her chest and his ear over her heart–he didn’t resist nor did he second-guess.
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“Thank you for trusting me,” Dani said after a moment of calm when his trembling and his tears stopped. He needed this because she knew what happened when he bottled things up–she’d seen the effects of it. She saw the mania and the way he hurt himself if only to have a way to let it all out.
She didn’t want that for him–she only wanted where he was–in her arms.
“You’re the only one I trust,” Bright whispered as his stubble and breath tickled her neck.
Dani didn’t want to think about the flutter that went through her stomach that traveled its way up to her heart at his words. It wasn’t that sort of night and Bright was hurting–she didn’t get to feel that way for him.
Sometimes Dani thought she could. When he said he’d do better he hadn’t–until now. She noticed the way he looked at her sometimes. She saw the smile in his pale eyes before it reached his lips. He called her beautiful–seemingly without thinking–and she couldn’t shake that it was the second time he’d actually made her feel that way.
She didn’t respond as she pressed a soft kiss to Bright’s hair, holding him just a little tighter. Maybe she was crossing a line but at that moment she didn’t care. She just wanted him to be okay.
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Malcolm blinked awake at the first strains of sunlight coming in through a window that wasn’t the one in his apartment. The soft snores in his ear and the sweet slightly spicy perfume on his clothes reminded him that he’d fallen asleep. He glanced at the Patek Philippe on the inside of his wrist, seeing that it was five in the morning and he’d slept six hours.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d gotten more than two hours of sleep but he knew why this had been different. Dani had wrapped him up in her as she pulled her to him, rubbing his back until he drifted off and after everything, he let himself be comforted. Something no one had offered him and certainly not for this.
He’d held her close, letting the sound of her steady heartbeat calm the storms that had been raging through his ever since that night.
Shifting a bit so he didn’t wake her, Malcolm scooted out and away from Dani who didn’t stir. He looked around the living room for a blanket as his eyes adjusted to the light.
Spotting a soft clay colored one on an overstuffed arm chair nearby, he draped it over his partner before leaning down and kissing her forehead. He lingered a bit longer than he should’ve–a quiet, private thank you for all she’d done for him. She didn’t know how much it meant, how much he needed it and how it felt to spend one night at peace and unrestrained.
But that was one night and he’d ultimately imposed. He’d dropped his dysfunction in her lap and then monopolized her time. He went over to the chair that held his jacket trying to ignore the ache and the yearning to stay with her–to rest with her.
He’d never rested with anyone. No one allowed him that close but she did.
Malcolm glanced back at his partner, finding her awake. Her curls spread across the tan and teal tasseled pillow and the sun flares playing over her golden skin. She was so beautiful it hurt.
“Are you leaving?” She turned toward him, pulling the blanket up to her chin.
“I–I’m not sure. I mean, I should be...” Malcolm said hesitantly, fidgeting a bit with his hands not knowing what came next. “I did stay over uninvited.”
Dani propped herself up on an elbow, glancing down a bit before looking up at him through her lashes demurely, “You’re always invited.”
She glanced down at the blanket as a pretty pink flush heated her cheeks and he did the same, knowing he was blushing too. The implications of such a simple response overwhelmed both of them.
Malcolm made his way back to her, stepping around his shoes and her boots to sit on the edge of the lounge. He didn’t want to make any assumptions. After all, this wasn’t his dream where he pulled her to his chest, enfolding her completely because feeling like he could protect her comforted him.
Her dark eyes watch his every move and he wished he had some way of decoding the thoughts behind them. He absently pushed a stray curl behind her ear, allowing his fingers to brush along her temple. “Did you sleep…well?”
Dani glanced up at him, unused to such tenderness and even less so from Bright.
It was strange as for a little while, she didn’t even think he liked her but things were different, even before last night. He’d been showing her different. He’d been attentive and he listened to her, when no one got him to slow down and be still enough to do anything that didn’t exist in that busy head of his but he’d made time for her–something he hadn’t done before, “I did.”
She noticed his uncharacteristic skittishness and how he seemed to be waiting for the rejection–for her to turn him away after he’d broken down in front of her under the weight of those unfathomable burdens–that incomparable heaviness. “You know, if you’re not leaving…” she scooted over on the lounge, patting the space beside her. “Come on…I’m cold…”
Dani watched Bright stare at her a few moments, his sea-glass eyes widening in surprise. It made her sad that he didn’t really seem to know what to do here. He deserved something as simple and uncomplicated as rest. How long has it been since he actually rested? She noticed how haggard he looked and how his shadows became him.
“I’d still like to sleep next to you, Malcolm…” Dani squeezed his arm tugging on it slightly, finding it best to just tell him what was happening as he’d just continue staring if she didn’t.
Malcolm couldn’t help the blush that heated his cheeks because he couldn’t believe that she was real. She knew everything about him and she still wanted him with her. She didn’t see him differently or as less–she didn’t see him the way he saw himself.
He hesitantly got underneath the blanket cautiously keeping a few feet of space between them–again not wanting to make assumptions before Dani scooted in, curling her body around his and resting her head on his chest.
The coconut and rosemary scent of her hair filled his nose–a reminder that this was in fact real because his subconscious couldn’t dream up something so amazing. His arms wrapped around her automatically.
“Is this good for you?” She looked up at Bright still sensing his hesitation. She didn’t want to make him uncomfortable or weird him out, she just wanted him to see that he could have this. He didn’t have to go back to the isolation and the space between them.
“I’m actually very…” Malcolm stared up at the exposed beams in her ceiling as he rubbed her back idly, searching for the right word that described the…contentedness he felt. The need to actually stay in the moment instead of constantly and often futilely searching for escape, “…happy…and I’m not used to that.”
“Being happy?” Dani questioned.
“Yeah actually…” Malcolm replied slowly as he unconsciously held her tighter. “No one’s ever treated me the way you do and I still wonder why I deserve someone like you in my life…but I’m grateful.”
Dani looked up at Bright seeing what she rarely ever did when she looked at the mercurial profiler–unvarnished honesty and it broke her heart. The real him was so good in her eyes and she didn’t think anyone had ever gone through the effort to actually see that.
“You deserve this. You’re worth more than you think, Malcolm,” Dani said softly, her gaze unwavering as her hand rested directly over a heart that broke over and over again. Somehow that one delicate hand seemed to be the only thing holding that heart together–holding him together.
As he relaxed into something that felt like sleep in the stillness of Dani’s apartment with the woman he loved once again in his arms, Malcolm realized that he had another confession to make. He had more honesty to give.
He was afraid because the stakes had never felt higher but he was tired of being miserable and alone. He didn’t know he had dreams of his own until his mind showed him what it was like to not live in a nightmare and he’d given it all up once–he wouldn’t–he couldn’t do it again.