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The first time it happened, they were on patrol. Dick coughed a little into his hand, turning away from Damian.
“-tt-,” Damian could recall having said “You shouldn’t cough into your hand, Nightwing. It’s unhygienic.”
“I know.” Dick had answered after he had caught his breath “Old habits die hard.”
“Hm. One would assume that a circus freak would have had little to no worry about sanitation or health in their childhood.”
Dick had sighed and rolled his eyes.
Damian regretted the conversation right now.
The second time Damian can recall it happening was when they were down at the batcave, digging through Black Mask’s files to try and find a connection to the most recent crimes happening in Gotham. Dick had coughed into a tissue. Since when had he taken up such a habit? Damian couldn’t be sure, but it made sense now.
Damian had raised his eyebrows at the scene.
“Maybe you should stop going out in such sheer shirts at nightime.” He rolled his eyes, watching as Dick struggled to stop the fit “You are one inch away from catching a deadly cough.”
“You have no idea.” Dick had whispered, raising his own eyebrows at the computer.
Damian didn’t question it then. But maybe he should have. If he had known, then he wouldn’t have let this happen. He would have helped, he has always been able to help with these kinds of things. He had enough medical knowledge to be considered almost better than Alfred.
The third time was during a family dinner. Dick was laughing about something Todd had said, and then it hit him. He coughed violently into his napkin, going red in the face, getting out of breath, knuckles turning white from the sheer strength that he was using to grip the table. Tim had tapped his back in an useless attempt to help, and Dick put his hand out to stop him.
When he was done, Damian could see the smallest glint of red on the napkin from where he was sitting.
No one said anything. Damian wished he had.
The fourth time, they were in the showers after coming back from fighting Mr. Freeze. Dick had leaned forward against the wall, letting the hot water hit his back as he coughed violently. Damian could see the blood dripping from his mouth, but quickly looked away as Dick turned to face him, covering his mouth in surprise and fear.
“It’s nothing.” Dick had said “I got punched really bad in my throat today. I’ll be fine.”
His hoarse voice should have alerted Damian that it wasn’t true, but he believed Dick. Or tried to, anyway. He hadn’t been willing to believe that Dick, the strong and powerful Dick Grayson could be sick. It wasn’t possible. The man who was always taking care of others, the man who was always taking care of him . He couldn’t possibly be sick.
He wished he hadn’t acted so foolishly then.
The fifth time it happened, Dick had taken him to the arcade. He wasn’t playing anything, said he wasn’t up for it, choosing to follow Damian around the games he would want to play, keeping an eye on him. Damian hadn’t minded. But he was alerted when Dick coughed once, covering his mouth with his hand and excusing himself to go to the bathroom. Damian stopped playing to follow him. The scene had left him jarred. He couldn’t see Dick’s mouth, but he coughed for so long that he was struggling to breathe. He took deep, choked off breaths as he tried to stop his coughing fit, but it didn’t seem to help. He went red and purple before he was finally able to stop the fit, laying down on the dirty floor to try to catch his breath.
Damian had ran back to the machines, pretending he hadn’t seen anything. He didn’t want to have to deal with that. He just hoped that Dick would see a doctor soon.
He wished he hadn’t done that. If he could go back in time, he’d go running into that bathroom and force some answers out of Dick. He felt so childish for not doing that… He had never acted like a child, so why did he behave like one when he most definitely shouldn’t have?
The sixth time it had happened, Damian had seen Todd helping him through it. He was coughing over the toilet, on his knees, body being supported by Todd, who tried to calm him down, to no avail. Damian could see the fear in both of them, and as soon as Dick caught his breath, he cried on Todd’s shoulders.
“I-I thought I was going to die.” He said “I thought… I thought I wouldn’t be able to catch my breath this time.”
“But you did.” Todd said, running a hand up and down his back “You did. It’s okay now. I’m here.”
“It’s not okay.”
“Yes, it is.” Todd said “It’s going to be okay. You’ll get through this. You’ve gotten through so much already.”
Dick shook his head and cried into his brother’s neck.
Damian left, scared. He hid under his covers and cried too. He couldn’t lose him. Not now. It would hurt more than any of the punishments his mother used to hand out. It would hurt more than death.
Life would become death if he didn’t have Dick with him. Dick had to pull through this, whatever this was. He wouldn’t be able to lose the first person to ever love him so openly and unashamedly. It would be akin to losing his own ability to love at all. His ability to feel.
The last time Damian had seen it happen, was as they were coming back from patrol. It was scary. Dick coughed and coughed until he fell to his knees, holding on to his throat as if an invisible hand was choking him, then trying to reach into his mouth, as if wanting to fish something out, but his trembling fingers weren’t able to. Luckily, Bruce caught on really quickly to what was happening, calling for Jason to hold Dick’s head back and Tim to help him keep Dick’s mouth open, quickly using his own hand to pull out a bloodied white carnation.
Damian covered his mouth with his hands. Dick’s coughing died down and he was able to catch his breath again.
“It’s not just petals anymore.” Bruce said, looking at the carnation in his hand.
Dick shook his head, still being held by Jason.
Duke and Cass seemed just as shocked as Damian.
“Hanahaki disease?" Duke whispered.
Dick nodded, looking at the ground.
“How long?” Cass asked.
Dick shook his head.
“A while.” He answered with a weak voice.
“Shit.” Duke took off his helmet “Who is it?”
Dick shook his head again.
“He won’t say.” Tim answered for him.
No one said anything for a while.
“There’s a surgery.” Damian said “I can perform it, if you don’t want to go to the hospital.”
“No.” Dick said, standing up again “No surgeries.”
“Why not?” Damian frowned.
“Because I’d rather die than stop feeling.” Dick said.
Damian stared at him in anger.
“You’re so selfish.” The kid spat out.
“Selfish?” Dick frowned “You think I’m selfish because I don’t want to turn into a machine? Because I don’t want to run the risk of losing the memories I have of the one I love? It’s my life Damian. I can choose the way I live it, and I can choose the way I die too.”
“You’re selfish because you can’t see that there are people depending on you, you damn fool!” Damian shouted “You can’t see that I… that I can’t…” He sniffled, angrily wiping away a tear and suddenly shooting up to leave, hiding in his room.
It didn’t take long for Dick to be there too, knocking on his door and walking in when he had no response. He sat down next to Damian, both of their backs against the wall.
“I’m sorry.” Dick said “It’s not like I want to die. But living without feeling… that’s no life I want to live.”
“So you’d rather let something as stupid as unrequited love kill you?” Damian said, looking away.
“Yes.”
“Why?” Damian looked back at him, not able to stop the tears that were falling from his eyes “Why? When you could keep on living and be with me? When you could stay here, just by a simple surgery? Stay here and be my Batman again? Why would you rather die?”
Dick pushed Damian’s hair back with a sympathetic look on his face.
“Because it wouldn’t be me anymore, baby bat.” Dick said, with a sad smile “And I don’t know who I’d be, but I know that I wouldn’t trust someone I don’t know to take care of you.”
“But who else will take care of me if you’re gone?” Damian cried.
“Bruce will take care of you.”
“No.” Damian shook his head, sobbing.
“Yes. He’s your father Dami.”
“No, I don’t want him to take care of me, I want you.” Damian hugged Dick “Please don’t go.”
“Dami, I can’t.”
“Please. You’re going to leave me all alone.” Damian cried into Dick’s chest “Please.”
“Dami, I’m fighting this disease with all that I have.” Dick said “But I can’t promise you that I’ll win. You need to understand that.”
“No.” Damian said “You can’t leave me.”
“Damian,” Dick pulled the kid back to look him in the eye “Dying is part of life too. You know that. In the life we lead, I could die tomorrow, and so could you. You need to understand that at the very least, if I go like this, it’s because I chose to. Don’t be upset, please.”
Damian didn’t say anything, simply couldn’t. He just cried into Dick’s chest until he fell asleep. He woke up the next day on his bed, utility belt and boots off, but the rest of his Robin uniform still on. When he came down for breakfast, Dick seemed just as destroyed as he did, but he smiled. His red rimmed eyes still looked at Damian with so much joy and love, and Damian couldn’t understand how he was possibly expected to live on without those eyes in his life.
So, after that, he made a decision. He would kill the one that was killing Dick. One life for another. It seemed fair enough. And it’s not like he hadn’t killed before. So he follows him around, trying to understand who could possibly be the cause of his suffering.
There are some targets. The first one he can think of is Starfire. But he quickly gives up when he realizes that if it was her, she would most likely have reciprocated the feelings. She has that dreamy look on her eyes when he comes around. If any of those two had unrequited feelings for the other, it should be her.
Then there’s West. The stupid speedster. Damian knew of their casual affairs (Dick wasn’t that discrete about it anyway, it’s not like Damian had to follow him around to figure that one out), so it wouldn’t be a stretch to think that Dick may have fallen for him and the feelings weren’t mutual. But he thinks that this might as well be a stretch. The Flash had been on a mission away from Dick for almost three months. Dick would have, most likely, been able to tone down his feelings enough that the disease would have given in by now.
The last one was Gordon. She made the most sense. Barbara Gordon had been the love of his life for what felt like forever. And now they weren’t together anymore and Dick was spitting up bouquets. Of course it had to be her. They saw each other every day, of course he wouldn’t be able to get over her.
So, when she rolled down to the batcave, Damian stepped out of the shadows. He didn’t put on his Robin uniform for this - he didn’t want to leave a stain on Dick’s legacy. No, the blood he was about to spill would be spilled by Damian Al-Ghul Wayne. Not Robin.
“Hello, Gordon.” Damian said.
“Hi Damian,” Barbara said, still looking at her work “Can I help you with something?”
“Actually, you can.” Damian said. He didn’t smile like he used to. He would take no pleasure in what he was about to do.
Barbara looked at him, quickly realizing that there was something wrong. She pushed her wheelchair back as he walked to her, frowning.
“What is it?” She asked.
“Richard is dying.” Damian said “And it’s your fault. Since I can’t save him, at the very least, I can make it even.” He pulled out his knife.
“How is it my fault?”
“Hanahaki disease.” Damian said. Barbara sucked in a deep breath.
“And he told you I’m the one?” She asked, looking at the blade in Damian’s hand.
“He doesn’t want to tell us.” Damian shrugged “But it wasn’t that hard to figure it out.”
Barbara wasn’t stupid. As much of a fighter as she was, she knew she’d be no match to Damian, who has been trained to kill since birth. So she activated the cave’s self-destructing sequence, staring at Damian as she did so. Damian striked then, jumping towards her like a wild animal. All of the residents came rushing down, some not even entirely dressed to see what was going on. Bruce jumped in to pull Damian away from Barbara as Tim typed in the deactivation code.
“What are you doing?” Bruce roared as he had Damian on a chokehold, before throwing him to the ground.
“I’m trying to save him!” Damian said, a hand wrapping around his throat “She loves her, that’s why he’s dying! So if I can’t save him, I can at the very least kill her! Maybe if she’s dead, he’ll move on!”
“No, Damian,” Dick said, sinking to his knees “That’s not how this works.”
“I don’t care!” Damian yelled “If she’s killing you, then I want her dead too!”
“Damian” Dick held him by his arms, trying, to no avail, to stop the screaming “Damian, she’s not the one I love.” He said, but Damian was too focused on spewing insults “Damian! Damian, it’s you!” Dick screamed over him, finally shutting the kid up “It’s you, Damian.” He sobbed “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t love you like this, but I can’t help it.” He cupped Damian’s face “I’m so sorry, Dami. I’m sorry. I love you.”
Damian stared at him in disbelief for a moment or two.
“You are such an idiot.” He said.
“I know.” Dick looked down, taking his hand away from Damian’s face.
“No.” Damian put his hand back against his cheek “No, you really don’t know.”
He pushed forward, capturing Dick’s lips in a desperate kiss.
“You really don’t know how much of an idiot you are.” Damian said, pushing his forehead against Dick’s “But it’s okay now. Because I’ll make sure that you live long enough for me to tell you how stupid you are every day of your life until you understand just how much of an idiot you are.”
“Dami…”
“Why didn’t you say something?” Damian said “Anything?”
“Because I didn’t want to feel like I was manipulating you into something.” Dick answered.
“Richard, you-”
“I’m an idiot.” Dick smiled “I know.”
“No.” Damian smiled, really smiled, for the first time in a very, very long time “I mean, yes, surely, but Richard, you are the love of my life.”
Dick laughed, even as tears kept running down his face.
“So…” Bruce cleared his throat “You’re just…” He didn’t know what to say “Damian, you’re almost ten years younger than him.”
“I know, father.” Damian still stared at Dick as he talked “But I have never loved someone like I love him.”
“I’m sorry, Bruce.” Dick swallowed, looking up at his father.
Bruce sat down on one of the cave’s chairs.
“I know you love him.” Bruce said, looking at Dick “I know you love him with all of your heart, because of the flowers.” He took a deep breath “But that doesn’t mean you are incapable of doing bad things to him. And… it doesn’t mean you’re not… brothers.”
“I know.” Dick looked down.
“But… if this is… something that will make both of you happy, then…” Bruce shook his head “I can try to get used to it.”
“Thank you, father.” Damian said.
“I’ll take care of him.” Dick said, voice hoarse and weak.
“I know you will.” Bruce nodded “But please, be careful. Both of you. And keep it away from the media, we don’t need this type of press.”
“Of course.” Dick intertwined Damian’s fingers with his own.
“Now get to bed.” Bruce said, standing up “The roots should die off and be expelled, but that process will require a lot of energy from you. You’ll need to rest.”
“Yes, sir.”
Damian helped Dick to his feet, walking with him to his bed and settling in next to his lover.
“You’re staying?” Dick smiled.
“Yes.” Damian answered “Unless you don’t want me to.”
“I’ll always want you to stay.” Dick pulled Damian into a hug.
“Good. Because I’ll always want to stay.” Damian smiled.
He pulled Dick down over his chest, carefully caressing his locks.
“I don’t feel like sleeping.” Dick said.
“But you have to.” Damian kissed his scalp “Now that we know you’re recovering, it’s important.”
Dick turned around to face Damian, resting his hands on the other’s chest.
“What?” Damian smiled.
“I just want to look at you,” Dick said “Now that I can.”
“You could always look at me.” Damian pushed his hair away from his forehead.
“Not like this.” Dick whispered, closing his eyes and resting his head on Damian’s chest “It feels so good to be able to hear your heartbeat, did you know that?” Dick sighed “I love your heartbeat.”
Damian chuckled.
“Out of all things, Richard, you love my heartbeat?”
“Of course I do.” Dick looks up at him again “I mean, I love everything about you,” Dick smiled “I love your hair,” He ran a hand on Damian’s dark locks “Your mouth,” He ran a thumb over his lower lip “Your cute little nose,” He grinned as he poked the tip of his nose gently “But your heartbeat…” Dick traced a finger over his chest “Your heartbeat is what tells me that you’re alive. It tells me that you’re here with me. That you’re safe. So yeah, I love you heartbeat.”
Damian bit his lips for a moment.
“You are such a fool.” Damian smiled “Such a romantic fool.”
“Yeah, but I’m your fool now.”
“You are.”
“Forever.”
“Forever.”