Work Text:
Empath
A/N: Inspired by the wonderful, one of a kind, amazing DiveIn_HeadFirst_CantLose. I don’t really know how to give a set definition for what an empath is because I know it’s a little different for each person, but I hope the fic gives a little bit of insight into it. Poor Kenny. :( I promise I love him, but he is my character for things like this. <3
Empathy. Such a simple word at first glance. The ability to understand and share the feelings of another. A straightforward enough definition. But for some it goes deeper than that.
For some it’s being able to grasp another’s emotion and point of view, to understand it and see yourself in their position and situation even if you’ve never been in it yourself. When their emotion and your own experiences are enough for you to almost see and feel like it’s happening to you in real time, sometimes in an almost out of body experience that leaves you reeling when you come back to yourself.
For some it’s literally feeling the emotions of another. Their joy, their sadness, their anger, their hope. Even if you’re feeling something completely opposite at the time it’s like a part of your heart takes a fragment of what someone else is feeling and claims it as your own. Their anger is now also your anger. Their happiness is now also your happiness. You absorb and you leech until you can’t tell what’s yours and what’s theirs.
For some it’s being so moved by the emotions you’re feeling from someone else that you can’t help but want to do something, offer your help in whatever way you can: a hug, a kind word, financial support, a place to stay, a shoulder to cry on, a target to hurl pain and abuse at.
And for some it’s a combination of two or all three of those things.
Being near someone. Hearing them speak, whether in person or over the phone. Reading a text, e-mail, DM, or other forms of written word. Walking into a room. Watching/hearing through video. Any of those things could trigger it. It wasn’t something that had an off switch. It didn’t have a control panel where you could adjust how much you feel from someone and when. It just hits out of nowhere. Sometimes in isolated, irregular occurrences. Sometimes in waves. Sometimes in an avalanche.
Empathy is a double edged sword.
There’s nothing more beautiful than being able to connect with others on so deep a level. When awkwardness or shyness creates a barrier when trying to get to know someone, emotions speak louder than the most poetic of words. They reveal more than words ever could, give a clear picture of what kind of person someone might be. To be able to understand someone when they have a hard time expressing themselves. To be able to be there for someone else and for them to know that they weren’t alone, that someone else had been through the same thing or something similar before. In this way it’s a gift.
There’s nothing more terrifying than not knowing which emotions are yours or someone else’s. When you feel so much and you keep absorbing things and you can’t make it stop. When your body rebels against you and you’re sick to your stomach. You can’t think straight. Your head is pounding, ears ringing, stomach churning. You keep saying, “Make it stop. Make it stop.” But it won’t. It clogs the air in the room to where you can hardly breathe without feeling like you were just struck in the soul with an invisible fiery, serrated sword. You can’t be around people because their worry and concern will only make everything feel that much worse. But you can’t be alone because then there’s no one there to ask if you’re okay, to hug you or hold you and be your anchor, your lighthouse, your rock. And when you can put yourself in the situation of someone truly horrible with awful intentions, see and feel things from their perspective, almost be them for a few moments with their sick and twisted glee, their pride at the horrible deeds they’d done and the suffering they’d caused, you wished you could stop existing for a little while.
Empath. That was what Kenny was, and empathy was both a gift and a curse for him. It was something he’d lived with his whole life that he hadn’t noticed and truly understood until he was much older. Some days were normal. He could exist with just his own emotions and do as he always did. But other days, days like today, were the ones he dreaded most.
It started with checking his phone. Kenny was sat on the edge of his bed reading through texts, tweets, e-mails, and DMs. He felt a pang of happiness reading through his group chat with the Bucks, finding himself grinning at the silliest and simplest of things. He felt the love and longing in a voicemail from Kota, who he would call back in a bit as it had been a little while since they’d last spoken. He felt the frustration in an e-mail from the AEW Games team. They’d hit a snag on one of the game features that they couldn’t seem to figure out a solution from. He felt the anger, jealousy, and vitriol from trolls and assholes in his Twitter mentions, as well as the admiration, adoration, and lust from fans.
He let out a soft whimper at the way his body began to ache, everything swirling within him, overwhelmed and drowning in it all. His phone fell from his hands as he squeezed his eyes shut, not sure if he was going to be sick, keel over, or start screaming as his hands fisted in the sheets, searching desperately for something to hold onto. He heard the mattress shift behind him with a quiet creak, a strong, sure pair of arms slowly wrapping around him and pulling him into a gentle embrace.
“A-Adam,” Kenny whispered helplessly, voice on the verge of breaking. Adam plopped a lingering, soft kiss in his hair, pulling Kenny back onto the middle of the bed and laying them down on their sides.
“Breathe,” Adam reminded him, voice calm and comforting. “Breathe for me, okay?” Kenny nodded, slowly matching Adam’s deep breaths. “Good.” He felt for Kenny’s hand, and Kenny quickly intertwined their fingers, looking down at them and focusing on that as best he could. “Feeling too much?” Another nod. Adam made a concerned noise, pressing light kisses to Kenny’s neck, his jaw, his cheek.
“Lots of messages, Twitter notifications, e-mails…”
“They can wait until later. It’s the weekend.” Kenny shook his head.
“But what if I miss something important?”
“The most important thing right now is making sure you’re okay,” Adam told him gently. “Just breathe with me for a few minutes, okay?” Kenny nodded after a moment, going limp in Adam’s embrace and squeezing his eyes shut again at a wave of nausea and the flare up of a headache.
Adam hated that he couldn’t do more for Kenny. Kenny had explained to him before how bad it could get, the gist of what would be happening in his head, how his body wanted to shut down on him so that he could just make all the emotions stop. He wished he could take the pain away so that Kenny could breathe and relax. He wished he could do more than hug him and hold him and tell him he would be okay because it didn’t feel like enough. He wished he could stop the shaking and the crying. He didn’t know how Kenny had done it for so long by himself. He’ll be damned if he didn’t try and be there for him now.
“There were so many angry people, frustrated people. There were happy ones too. Flirty ones. Sad ones. It all just started to hit, and I…” Kenny winced. “Please, make it stop .” Adam couldn’t help the way his heart broke at Kenny’s voice. It was so quiet, always on the verge of breaking. Kenny was trembling.
“What do you feel from me?” Adam asked him. It was a few moments before he got a response.
“Worried. Sad. Guilty?” Another few moments. “But… Calm and relaxed. And Loving.” He brought their intertwined fingers to his lips, laying the softest of kisses on Adam’s hand. “Why guilty?”
“I wish I could do more to make you feel better.” Kenny pressed another, lingering, kiss to his hand.
“Just being here does so much to help, I promise. When it’s just me… I’m usually buried under the blankets sobbing my eyes out, and I’m useless for the rest of the day when I stop.” He smiled slightly. “And I don’t talk to anyone.” That made Adam feel a little better.
“Have you done the visualizing thing?”
It took Kenny a moment to process the words before he exclaimed, “Oh! No, I haven’t! That would… Probably help, wouldn’t it?” Adam gave a quiet laugh as Kenny closed his eyes.
He saw himself near a snowy hillside that reminded him of his cottage back in Canada. He was surrounded by waves of varying colors in the air: angry crimson, depressed cerulean, sunny yellow, flirty fuschia, longing lavender. The lone wing on his back quivered, and Kenny tried to stay standing tall as the waves suddenly rushed at him. A soft gold colored shield surrounded him, taking the brunt of the impact, and Kenny winced. There was so much . He went down on one knee, trying to keep the image of the shield holding strong in his mind, but struggling.
Kenny’s eyes snapped open with a gasp, and Adam hummed in question. Kenny tried to keep his breathing steady. In for four, out for four. In for four, out for four.
“Need help. There’s a lot.” He winced again. “It hurts.”
“Take me with you this time,” Adam told him softly, squeezing his hand a little. Kenny nodded, closing his eyes again.
He was back down to one knee, shield starting to show cracks in it. His wing dropped along the snow, still quivering. But Adam was there with him, standing strong and confident and holding out a hand when Kenny looked up at him.
“I’ve got you,” Adam whispered reassuringly, and Kenny slowly took his hand, getting to his feet.
Adam held him close, and Kenny felt warm and safe. The cracks in his shield slowly disappeared, his wing falling still before one flap created a giant gust of wind, driving the waves back. He wrapped it around the both of them, calm and centered and clear minded.
Kenny opened his eyes again, feeling like he could finally breathe a little. His stomach still churned a little and his headache hadn’t gone completely away, but both feelings were fading. He let out a breath of relief.
“Better?” Adam asked.
“Much better,” Kenny answered. He managed to turn around in Adam’s arms so he could look at him. “Thank you.” Adam lightly pecked him on the lips.
“I’m always here.” He captured Kenny’s lips for a little while longer, the two of them kissing and wrapped up in each other's arms until well into mid-afternoon.
Closing A/N: Sooo, I know this may be a confusing read. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have on anything! <3