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II
"Don't touch him!" Alec shouts as he tries to surge forward straining to look up. "Magnus..."
Then he watches as the policeman grabs Magnus' hand to help him up with…gentleness? to his feet, and Alec still can't breathe.
”Are you okay?” the policeman says to Magnus
"What do you think, Ragnor?" he rasps out, one hand pressed to his ribs. "I'm peachy."
"Good job, Lieutenant," Ragnor concludes and pats his friend on the shoulder, before he hands him a police badge that Magnus takes in shaky fingers.
“Magnus…no” Alec says while handcuffs close around his wrists.
Magnus moves closer to him.
“Magnus, tell me it’s not true! Tell me you didn’t betray me! Tell me - he bows his head - you did love me” he whispers.
Magnus stares at him, mouth open just like he’s going to answer, then he quickly shuts it up. He shakes his head and turns around to leave, while something hard makes his heart clench and a bitter taste suffocates his throat.
I
The interrogation room was cold and barely illuminated. A metal table with a clamp on the surface to hook handcuffs, two uncomfortable-looking chairs, a white panel on the wall in front of the door and a couple of yellowish bulbs hanging from the ceiling.
Ragnor was sitting with his back to the panel - actually a one-sided transparent wall, allowing those waiting into the next room to witness the interrogatory - and was wondering why for heaven’s sake had he accepted to inquire the Lightwoods on behalf of Magnus. In the name of their friendship, obviously. Even if the Lightwood sister could escape, together with her fiancé, his colleague had performed a very brilliant undercover operation, bringing them to arrest most of the mob. Magnus was going to receive a promotion or a eulogy, he got hurt either, but something had gone south. Ragnor knew him as the palm of his hand, and Magnus had gotten involved in this mess much more than he needed to.
III
"Get a room, you two!" Jace yells.
”Might as well do as he says," Magnus drawls, his eyes burning through Alec's body.
"Come to my place tonight," Alec immediately suggests, getting closer.
As soon as Magnus enters Alec’s loft, the door is shut behind him, two strong arms grab him at his waist and he’s pinned against the wall. Alec’s lips are on his in a hungry kiss, his hands take his jacket off and open his shirt buttons, wandering on his skin. Alec is devouring him, panting and aroused, caressing his shoulders and chest, clawing his arms’ muscles. A hand at Magnus’ nape, Alec is holding him while his mouth kisses his and bites his neck.
At first Magnus staggers, then he starts to react, returning kisses and strokes until his hands stumble upon Alec’s belt. He asks Alec without speaking, overwhelmed by desire, anxiety, fear. Hesitating.
But Alec nods and turns him towards his bed until Magnus’ knees back touch it. And Alec is suddenly straddling him.
V
Ragnor was sympathetically looking at his friend and coworker, wondering when and where things could have gone wrong. When and where the two of them had been wrong. He shouldn’t have allowed Magnus to get dragged into something so emotionally draining. But Magnus was a skilled and trained cop, couldn’t he be able to handle his feelings? Maybe his tough past had tainted him from the beginning. Or maybe the young Lightwood had proved himself not to be that soulless monster everyone was sure of? Even given his crimes?
Magnus had become a completely different person after Alec’s arrest. He had asked for a few days leave which his bosses had willingly granted - for his courage, his self-sacrificing, his injuries. But Ragnor knew better: his friend needed time and solitude to elaborate his confusing feelings towards the Lightwood boy. Magnus reminded how much he and Alexander talked, Alec revealing a brilliant sharp mind, being an interestingly educated man, a dreamer, despite what he actually did for a living. Desperately hanging to a hint of possible happiness.
IV
“Lightwood, you’ve got a visit”
“Don't wanna see anyone” he yelled.
Being used to prison life hadn't been that easy. Alec was handsome and though he didn't look an easy target, he happened to be offered protection in exchange for some sexual favors. A couple of fights followed by a few well delivered fists have cleared that no one was allowed to get close.
But rumors had it about his arrest circumstances either, and he found himself stuck between being mocked and feared by other prisoners, while Jace and Andrew had been transferred to a different prison. But Alec didn’t need anyone. He had never been a people person, always choosing to be surrounded by his siblings and a few selected, faithful friends, so being isolated didn't bother him that much, even if visits were lacking.
So, when he was announced someone was asking to pay him a visit, he refused. A few minutes after, a guy was hitting loudly his cell bars.
“Not even if it's me claiming to the desert?” he heard a well known voice speaking, an unforgettable voice making him whine from pain and surge in anger.
“You...? Go the hell out of my sight!”
“Alec, we need to talk”
“About what? How dare you show me your fucking face?”
He turned to watch Magnus. “What the hell do you want now? Rubbing your fucking victory onto my face? Laughing at me since I believed in you, since you fooled me into feeling something for me?
“Wanna explain...”
“And how did you feel when we were fucking, huh? Disgusted? Elated, since you got what you wanted? A hero? Sure, you actually were doing your damned job!”. He rubbed his hands onto his face. “Can't believe...” he repeated. “There's nothing to explain”.
Alec became suddenly quiet, his rage burst deflating.
“You had to do your job, you did it, quite well I should say, you won. Can't believe I let you play me dumb...how could I be that blind?”
He sat down on the bed, defeated, rage disappeared leaving him completely empty. Hands abandoned in his lap, he raised his eyes to stare at Magnus. “Don't even try to answer, i don't mind. I’ve been an idiot.”.
In the meantime, Magnus hadn't spoken a single word, too overwhelmed by his own feelings. But, holy shit, that was his job, and the Lightwoods were criminals, why did he feel so bad. Shit.
Maybe he owed this man a truth, whatever it could be. But which truth? The role he had played? The attraction he faked? The...love – oh yes, he had pronounced the big damn word. Had he fallen in love with this man?
No way.
Or had he?
His mind was a blur and his heart clenched in his chest. He looked at the defeated man who was sitting inside the cell. A man who hadn't been defeated by a policeman, or betrayed by his enemies. He had been betrayed by his own feelings, by his desire of some kind of normal life, by that single oneshot of possible happiness.
“I'm not going to mope around, I didn't come here to celebrate in front of you. I don't even know how I feel and what I should tell you, but Alec, look at me, please, look at me, look straight into my eyes. This is likely to be the last time we meet, I know your sister and the rest of your mob are going to hunt me. I know your sister hates me because I brought you here but more because I'm the man who made his beloved bro believe there could be something beautiful in his life, something that wasn't robbery, violence or murder, something pure. And then that man destroyed this dream, of him being loved for real, for what he is. Look at me, please”.
Alec raised his swollen eyes finally, looking like he had just cried.
“What do you want from me, huh? My blessing? My forgiveness? Have it, I don't mind - nothing means anything to me anymore. I'm..almost astonished I can't feel anything right now.”
He leaned over staring at him. “You killed me”.
“I know it sounds awful but I need tell you this, Alexander…”
“Don't call me that way anymore, ever!” he shouted.
“Okay, okay...then Alec. I need to tell you that..it wasn't all job, Alec. I did feel something for you, for real. I – he looked at his hands in his own lap, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt – When we were…fucking, Alec, it was…I felt happy. You might not believe me, it wasn't about duty, it was..beautiful”.
Alec scoffed loudly. “Oh yeah, I know right? I'm handsome, you know, I'm skilled – he laughed bitterly – you felt good. But...I cherished you. I cared for you”.
“Please, Alec, I can't tell you it was...love, but what I felt...I don't think I’m going to feel something like that again”
“Bullshit. You're going to move on, you got what you wanted. Spare me your regrets, ok? So, don't you dare saying you liked me for real”.
“But I did!” Magnus exclaimed, and a heavy silence descended upon them.
No one said a single word for a while, farther and farther away from each other.
Then Magnus gathered his last courage. “Listen – he said – what had to be done is done, there’s no way out. Just..don’t hate me, remind me, remember the happy moments we shared, I will either”. He breathed out “I’m pretty sure we’re not going to see each other anymore. So…goodbye, Alexander.”.
He was feeling his soul being torn apart, his heart craving for a word, a gesture. Maybe he was hoping Alexander could tell him something, anything. But Alec had turned his back to him and was staring at the wall.
Magnus bowed his head and left.
When he was sure that Magnus was out of hearing, Alec stroke his face with his hand, finding it surprisingly wet with tears.
“Goodbye, Magnus”.
VI
Without previously knocking, Magnus entered Ragnor’s office, face blank, fists clenched.
Ragnor raised his look from the report he was working on.
“Since when you barge in without knocking, Magnus?”
Magnus kept being quiet.
“Whassup, dude? Take a seat, wanna some coffee?”
“No thanks – Magnus said – Actually I’m not going to bother you too much, don’t wanna steal your time. But I need tell you something”.
“Is it about the protection program? We’re going to put you under protection quite soon, let me end the report, pack something in the meantime but keep a low profile until it’s over”.
“That’s not about that, I’m grateful and I’m ready for the program but…- deep breath – I want to resign.
Ragnor’s eyes widened. “You what? Are you nuts? I’m…oh shit..” His mouth gaped, then shut again when the realization came onto him.
“That’s about him, isn’t it? The Lightwood boy. What happened Magnus? What happened behind the scene? Damn, I knew, you got hurt, and I don’t mean physically. What the hell? Don’t tell me you liked him for real… So you fell into your own trap, didn’t you?”
Magnus slumped onto a chair.
“Oh Ragnor, I can’t get it. How could I? I’m not a silly teen having a crush onto a handsome man! But I couldn’t help but like him, Rag. He’s…well, special. Gorgeous. Smart, sharp-minded…kind in his own way, protective, fiercely loving. I’m aware it’s a lose-lose situation, I can’t have him in my life but Ragnor, I can’t be a cop anymore either. I lost my mind, and I lost my faith, so I’m resigning and there’s no come back from this”.
He stared at his colleague, his boss, his friend. “I came here to say goodbye, I didn’t want you to find out this shit from some random cop, you deserve better”. He handed his gun and his badge.
Ragnor was at a loss for words, astonished.
“I get it, Mags. But that doesn’t make it easier at all. Are you sure, for heaven’s sake? Are you sacrificing what you worked so hard for, and for a…mob boss?”
Magnus stared at the ceiling, a small smile on his face. “Weird, huh? But it is what it is”.
“Let me know you’re ok, please. Or that you’re going to be”.
“I will, Ragnor, I will..with time”.
Magnus’ thumb gently brushed his badge one last time, regretfully.
Then he left, slowly closing the door behind him.