Chapter Text
“How much do you love me?”
“What’s with the sudden question?”
“Come on, how much do you love me?”
“So much. I love you so damn much.”
“On a scale from zero to kimchi?”
“Kimchi, with you eating next to me.”
i.
Being a clumsy soul only some of his closest friends know of, Joshua almost trips over his own foot as he hurriedly makes his way to his closet after an unexpectedly long shower. He has a family dinner at seven and it is almost six thirty, yet he is still at home while—according to the messages he received—his mother and uncle are already on their way to the restaurant.
Thinking too much when showering was a bad idea, really.
With one last look at the full-length mirror in the corner of his minimalist bedroom, he deems himself good looking enough for tonight. He then gathers his phone and wallet before driving off to the Japanese restaurant his mother likes, which is located in Myeongdong. There is a small smile dancing on his lips, coming from the feeling of freedom for being able to mobile around as he pleases without a bunch of screaming fangirls following behind (he still can see a car full of fangirls on his tail, though).
Yes, it has been three years since the disbandment of Seventeen, and it has been two years since he became a song composer under the small agency run by Jihoon and Seungcheol.
The group was doing great in gaining popularity, even much better than the previous years. However, with the fame came the awful limitation of free time and privacy. Individual schedules were nothing unfamiliar anymore to the members—the fans seemed like they all wanted a piece of them equally, and taking flights to other countries was like taking a bath to them. One by one, as the time passed by, they started showing signs of weakness as the impact of the management’s greediness and poor handling of their artists. It was not long before the managers gathered them for a serious talk which resulted in the members saying it is better if we do not renew our contract as Seventeen.
Of course, there were tons of fans who expressed their anger and disappointment at the decision, but the rest of them gave their full support to Seventeen, saying that they were grateful the members could finally have a peaceful life and wishing them a wonderful life ahead. At least thirteen of them stayed together until the last say the name.
On one fine day in May three years ago, Joshua did not even hold back his tears as he hugged his ex-groupmates one by one. A teary eyed Mingyu asked if he would willingly be their tour guide if they ever came to LA, and Joshua took no longer than a second to answer yes. He also told them he would definitely miss their good times together, before leaving the dorm he had lived in for years.
But truth to be told, Joshua misses their bad times as well. He misses their heated arguments, their childish bickering, their terrible sarcasms—he misses everything about the members, although negative. The brotherhood thirteen of them had as Seventeen will never be easy to forget.
What happened happened, and it was for their own good anyway since they had worked past the limits their bodies allowed. Slavery contract was their nightmare.
No longer together in a group does not stop Joshua from keeping in touch with everyone, even with Jun who has settled down in China as an actor. Soonyoung, Minghao, and Chan now work for a well-known dance academy in Seoul as dance tutors, while Wonwoo helps his father run his business. Seungkwan has joined a small agency; he is still a singer but most of the time he sings off-air. As for Hansol, he chose to try modelling along with Mingyu. Only Seokmin stays under their previous agency, but now he just focuses on his acting skills. And as for Jeonghan—
Jeonghan. Yoon Jeonghan.
The name itself is enough to cause the corners of his lips to twitch into a smile and spread warmth all over his chest, but the aching in his heart that follows a second later is what Joshua hates from saying his name in his head.
Jeonghan, in short, was the best thing that ever happened in Joshua’s idol life. Despite the fact that the older boy joined Seventeen late, they only took seconds to click when they first met each other officially in the green practice room. They later became the pranksters in Seventeen, often causing Seungcheol to have temporary fatigue, but no one else could light up the atmosphere the way they did. Sometimes both of them also gave each other the cold shoulder, but it would never be long before the members witness them feeding each other chips while watching a movie in the living room.
Through Jeonghan, Joshua learned so many things, from how to act properly in front of cameras to how to handle a crying person. The beautiful boy also taught him about feelings—that, he will never forget, ever.
Jeonghan brought so many changes in him.
Upon nearing the place he is going to have dinner at, Joshua takes a deep breath, willing all the previous thoughts to go away so that they will not ruin the night. Even after leaving the life as a member of Seventeen, he still chooses to stay in Seoul and living alone in his apartment instead of going back to LA. His mother did not force him to live with her either, knowing well that it would be better for her son to just continue his life there instead of starting anew in LA. She just asks for Joshua’s time whenever she comes flying across the ocean to visit him.
Sure, three years have passed by since Joshua was entitled as a member of the vocal team in Seventeen, but it seems like forever is what it is going to take for the public to really forget him. The moment he enters the restaurant, almost all the heads turn at him before whispers and squeals of admiration can be heard. He instantly feels self-conscious about how he looks, but then he remembers Jeonghan once said that he looked hella fine in a simple black shirt and trousers (which is what he is wearing right now) and he immediately feels all better again.
“Jisoo!”
The excited shout of his Korean name successfully pulls him back to reality. He mentally slaps himself for spacing out in such a fancy restaurant full of people like this before approaching the table where his family is, the smile pasted back on his face.
Joshua should have seen it coming, should have known that there would be an addition at their table, but he chooses to act oblivious of it. Someone, who called him a few seconds ago, is sitting on the right side of his mother at the silk clothed round table, and it cannot be helped how his brain automatically commands his facial nerves to form a displeased look. Thankfully, he is quick to realize his mistake and swiftly changes his expression to a bright one, hoping that his slip up is mistaken as a mere confusion as to why he has an unannounced guest.
There, sitting in between his family members is Shin Heejin—his kindergarten friend in LA who came to Korea to debut but left her agency just five months before her group’s debut, the girl her mother once said to match the qualifications to be her daughter-in-law, and the girl who has been coming to his family events.
Joshua sits next to Heejin after greeting her politely, which earns him a smile from his uncle. His mother tells him that they have ordered the food in advance and are waiting for it to be delivered to their table, and his mind suddenly reels back to that moment in Japan when Jeonghan got childishly upset at Seokmin for ordering on his behalf since he was late to come to the restaurant across their hotel. He chuckles at the remembrance.
“Why are you chuckling?” his uncle asks with amusement in his eyes.
Joshua lets out another chuckle as he remembers that Jeonghan often said he wanted to get closer to Joshua’s uncle so that he could eat at his restaurant for free. “Nothing.”
The older man is about to ask again but gets stopped as a waiter comes to their table with a tray full of mouthwatering food. When everything they ordered is finally on the table, the previous topic is fortunately long forgotten.
Joshua does not want any topic about Jeonghan to be brought up during this dinner. He is okay with thinking about Jeonghan, but to have a talk regarding Jeonghan… he does not think he can. Why? Because the pain gets stronger tenfold and he does not want to go through another breakdown, not when he had a new one already after Jeonghan called him last week and enthusiastically said that the bunnies his nephew adopted reminded him of Joshua.
i.
“Are you going to tell your mother that you’re serious with me?”
“Yes, but I don’t know when.”
“Are you sure you really want to tell her, though?”
“Of course.”
“What if she opposes that idea?”
“What is not to love about you? Even if she hates the idea of us being together officially, I’m sure she will slowly change her opinion later. You just have to wait.”
“I’m not afraid to wait. I just don’t want to wait for something that will never happen.”
i.
“Are you coming to see Seokmin’s musical tomorrow?”
“It’s tomorrow?” Joshua pauses his game and blinks innocently at Minghao. They are having their weekly meet up, and this time they agreed on visiting a small coffee shop near their dorm back then for the sake of reminiscing the old days.
“Dude,” the Chinese man rolls his eyes. “I can’t believe you forgot—”
The sentence is cut off by a blast of Joshua’s ringtone. It is a personal ringtone, one he has personally set up for a specific person.
Jeonghan’s name flashes on his screen.
Without realizing, unwelcome tears start to pool in Joshua’s eyes and he suddenly feels like someone is repeatedly stabbing his wounded heart. He is not surprised, though, since this is a normal occurrence whenever he receives a call from the slightly older man.
Jeonghan, after the disbandment of Seventeen, decided to pursue his dream to be a barista. It took him about a year to master the skills needed to be a great barista and open a café which, of course, is always full of fangirls every day. His perseverance in achieving his childhood dream is just one of the endless charms of his, and Joshua admires him a lot for that.
Although they still live in the same country, Joshua does not communicate with Jeonghan that much, especially face to face. The last time they met and actually spent time together to have dinner at Jeonghan’s favorite ramyeon house, the older man, in all his seriousness, asked Joshua to never look for him although he knew where Jeonghan worked and lived, to just let fate decide everything—if we’re destined to cross paths someday, we will, Joshua.
The ex-vocalist of Seventeen also told him to start loving someone else as well, but he would rather die than do it.
He wants to say that he can no longer bear the pain caused by the man he loved—and still does, but he knows Jeonghan would be disappointed in him. And, no, even if they are not an item anymore, he still wants to make Jeonghan proud of him.
He will survive—if not for himself, then for the thief of his heart.
Joshua still does not really know how many fans know of their real relationships, but if those fans who know think that they are still together, they are completely wrong. With the separation of the members, Jeonghan and he drifted apart, too.
i.
“I think it’s better if we break up. I’m fighting a losing battle here. I don’t want to drag you down with me.”
Joshua choked on his pizza and Jeonghan would usually hit his back repeatedly to help him, but the latter did nothing this time. He took a big gulp of his water and coughed. “What—”
“I’m not the one for you. You deserve someone better, Shua. I’m so sorry.”
“Han—”
“Joshua,” Jeonghan finally looked at the said man, his voice shaking from his unshed tears. “I’ve thought about this again and again. Your mom wants a grandchild, or two, or maybe three.”
“Is this about—”
“I’m a man. I can’t give birth to your child, Joshua. I can’t make you and your mom happy. I know we can just adopt, but I’m certain what your mom wants is a child of your own blood.”
“What—”
“I’m deeply sorry for changing you like this,” the tears finally showed up. “Joshua, please go back to the old you before I came into your life. Please go back to that Joshua who always listened to his mom. Marry someone’s daughter, get a child or two, and be happy in the future.”
Joshua’s heart constricted at the sight of the man he loved crying, but he knew he could not let himself get too emotional. One had to keep calm for the upcoming storm that might happen. He wanted to believe that this was just Jeonghan’s mood swings taking over him, but the little voice inside his head told him that things were going downhill from this point on. “Yoon Jeonghan, I want you in my future.”
Choking back a sob, Jeonghan looked away. “Please don’t make it harder for me, Shua. We just can’t be together. Please understand.”
Joshua did not even realize that his own tears had started falling. “I’ve done everything for you and this is our end?”
Jeonghan did not answer.
For a while, the only sound in Jeonghan’s living room came from his television.
“Hannie—fuck—I had sleepless nights for weeks just thinking if I really saw you more than a friend back then during our training days,” Joshua let out a shaky breath, his tears freefalling. “God, I had inner battles for such a long time for that before I finally accepted it along with the possible consequences. I act on my feelings for you as much as I can, and now you’re telling me to end what we have?!”
Jeonghan remained silent.
“Yoon Jeonghan—”
“Your mom doesn’t want me! She wants you to marry a woman, Shua!”
“To hell with it! This is about us! This is our love!”
“Joshua,” Jeonghan’s voice cracked as he looked at Joshua with pleading eyes. It hurt Joshua to see him so vulnerable like this, but no way would he give in just like that. What they had was not something that could easily be broken like this. No, Joshua would not allow that. “My family didn’t kick me out after finding out about us, but I know they see me as a failure. They, just like your mom, want me to start a normal family with a woman… but I just can’t. That is why I’m here, living alone in this apartment and detaching myself from them. I’m a failure, and let me be the only failure in us. You were doing fine before you met me, I’m sure you can go back to that Joshua again.”
“Hannie, please—”
Jeonghan forced out a chuckle, but it sounded weird in between his sobs. “We still can be friends, you know.”
“How can you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them you are thinking about how much more you two were in the past?”
Jeonghan closed his eyes and bit his lower lip hard, unable to say anything.
“I love you. I love you dearly. Is that not enough?” Joshua whispered weakly, voice laced with great despair. Lifting his hands to cup both of Jeonghan’s wet cheeks, he then just stared at the other man in silence. He had known Jeonghan for years; he could tell that none of them wanted this.
“You know I love you, too. I really do, Shua, but I’m so sorry I can’t fight for you anymore.”
“Han—”
“Maybe we’ll be together again, sometime, in another life. Maybe I’ll be reborn as a girl and we’ll be together again with your mom’s blessings, or maybe you’ll be the girl,” Jeonghan tried to laugh, but it came out as an ugly sob instead. “I’m so sorry, Shua. I’m so sorry I’m not the one for you. I promise I’ll understand if you hate me after this.”
“I can’t hate you,” Joshua’s thumbs Jeonghan’s face with much love, from his eyebrows, down to the skin under his eyes, to his cupid’s bow, before his hands rested at the sides of his beautiful face. “I love you, Yoon Jeonghan, and I don’t think I can love anyone else the way I love you.”
“But you have to move on,” Jeonghan leaned into the touch and slightly turned his head to kiss the younger man’s left palm tenderly. “Do it for me?”
“I can’t.”
“You haven’t even tried it yet.”
“I don’t want to,” was what Joshua said before he wrapped his arms around the person he loved the most after his mother, holding him tight in his embrace. This could not be the last time he could to this, right?
He would like to think that he was dreaming. This could not be true.
But the way Jeonghan clutched tight onto the back of his t-shirt told him otherwise.
And just like that, Joshua could see how all his future plans with Jeonghan shattered into pieces as he closed his eyes tight to stop his tears. He did not want to go, he did not want to let go—he wanted to hold onto Jeonghan for as long as he possibly could, both in figurative and literal ways.
They broke up the night before Joshua’s first birthday after the disbandment of their group.
i.
Sometimes, Joshua asks himself what he did wrong. He already braved himself to tell his family that he was in love with a man, he was mentally prepared with the obstacles that came his way, and he was always there whenever Jeonghan needed him as well; he did everything he could do to keep their relationship going, but why is he still not enough for Jeonghan?
He misses Jeonghan, he misses him so bad. At nights when he remembers all the late night talks, when he remembers all the songs they sang silly before the real rehearsals, when he remembers all the games they played together during their free times, he will end up losing sleep. He wants to have Jeonghan around him again, he wants to have the older man in his arms again—heck, he wants to just kidnap Jeonghan and lay on a blanket to watch the stars together on top of a hill without thinking much about anything.
There are times when he feels like composing a song for Jeonghan, but he will always get distracted by his aching heart halfway into it. He will delete the file and start all over again, but it will end up just the same and make him feel like he is going crazy.
His break up happened a year after the end of Seventeen, but he just cannot forget Jeonghan even until this very second, let alone do what the latter requested. It is just simply too much. Even if they cannot be together, it does not mean he will stop loving him.
Jeonghan wants him to move on, but how can he do that if Jeonghan keeps coming to his mind every now and then? How can he do that if he cannot prevent his heart from aching whenever he sees things related to Jeonghan?
To put it simply, how can he live without Jeonghan?
If possible, Joshua would like to give all the money he has if anyone could tell him how to make a fresh start, to keep a smile on his face after his whole world fell apart.
i.
“Have you found someone, Shua?”
“What someone?”
“You know,” Joshua could sense the hesitance in Jeonghan’s voice at how he had to rephrase his answer. “My replacement.”
“…Do I really have to?”
“Shua—”
“What about you? Have you found someone?”
“I… I—”
“Tell me, Yoon Jeonghan, have you found someone to replace me in your heart?” Joshua prepared himself for the worst. He could not say he was ready for the answer, but he had to know. “Have you?”
“…No.”
A small smile crept onto Joshua’s face as he heard the answer. Somehow, he felt kind of thankful that his ex-boyfriend was still single.
“But I’m not getting back to you. You need to move on. You said you wanted to be the best son your mom could ever have, so please make it come true. I’ll always support—”
“You know what, sometimes I wish you didn’t give a fuck about anybody,” Joshua’s grip on his phone became tighter, trying his best to not let the anger control him. He had had enough. “We’d be much happier that way.”
“Shua—”
“Have you ever thought of how it feels getting your hopes up so high, then having them crushed instantly?”
Jeonghan was silent.
“That shit fucking hurts, I tell you.”
However, all the flaming anger in him died down at the sound of Jeonghan’s muffled sobbing. “This is hard for me, too. I love you, Shua. I just want the best—”
“Then, why? Why did you leave me? Why did you want me to let you go?”
“Shua—” Jeonghan choked on his sob. “Sometimes love means letting go when you want to hold on tighter.”
Joshua did not realize that his own tears were already streaming down his cheeks. “Jeonghan, I need you. I need you to complete me. I need you back in my life.”
He finally understood how cruel this life could be when Jeonghan wordlessly cut the line.