Work Text:
VIDEO TITLE: i baked cookies for the boy i did some messed up stuff with (and to)
UPLOADED BY: jared k.
UPLOAD DATE: 12 February 2019
SUMMARY: nah it’s not clickbait lmao.
TRANSCRIPT + VIDEO DESCRIPTION:
(A dorky 19-year-old sits in front of the camera. He’s got curly brown hair, medium-dark skin, and brown eyes. He’s wearing bright yellow glasses).
JARED: Hey guys, I dunno if you know me, but my name’s Jared
And today I’m gonna be baking cookies — I’m gonna be b— I’m sorry,
My foster sister painted my nails glittery and they’re distracting me, uh—
(Jared waves his nails in front of the camera. They’re sparkly gold. His nailbeds are ragged from being bitten).
I'm always like this.
Today I’m gonna be baking cookies for a boy who I was… not nice to. At all
His name is Evan and I’m gonna be… talking…
[Foster sister's name, censored], Oh my God, the nails are distracting me so badly
[Sister, off screen, laughing]: Deal with it, Jared!
JARED: Harassment! Bullying!
(Jared sticks out his tongue to the girl off-screen).
Ironically the topic of this video, kind of.
Quick pause while I get stuff ready!
[Sk8er Boi by Avril Lavigne plays]
(A timelapse of Jared grabbing things from the cabinets and pantry; flour, sugar, bowls, measuring cups, chocolate chips, and more that he doesn’t show the camera)
[Music ends]
Hope you enjoyed that time… oh my God what are those called… TIMELAPSE. Yeah. I hope you enjoyed that timelapse of me getting stuff out of the pantry.
Okay, so I’m not going to give any details that are, like… gonna get us in trouble. But some of y’all will probably figure it out? And if you do, I’m literally begging you to… not talk about it?
Everything is in the past now. And actually, one of the people most effected by what we did,… Uh, I’ll call her “Elizabeth,” after Elizabeth Schuyler, because I’m a theatre kid.
(Jared spills flour all over everything as he tries and fails to open a cookbook and knocks over the bag with his elbow.)
Goddamnit.
Um, she actually still has nightmares about some of the… The threats that were made online. And a resurgence of that— Look, just, do the nice thing, Jesus Christ.
Um, the cookbook says flour so that’s what I’m doing.
Basically, Evan and I did a bad thing. We lied to a whole lot of people. About a whole lot of things. And one of the worst things I did was lying to him.
(Jared walks over to the sink and shoves his head under the sink faucet. Cut scene to him in the bathroom drying his hair off with an orange towel. Cut scene back to the kitchen. Jared’s hair is still slightly damp.)
Oh, where was I?
Ah yes, my feelings.
[Fuck Feelings by Olivia O’Brien plays]
(Screen zooms in on a black and white photo of Jared finger-gunning, with clearly-photoshopped glasses on his face)
[Music ends]
Um, so. I don’t know if y’all know this, but I’m very gay. Hence the, uh,
(Jared points to his jean jacket, which has a rainbow pin on it. The clip cuts abruptly.)
Sorry, I just spent like ten minutes explaining my pins, but, uh. Yeah. I’m gay. I had this huge crush on Evan, man, and we’d been best friends since, like, age… seven, probably? And I fully — I took it out on him, because I was — I thought I wasn’t, like…
(Jared silently cracks eggs into the bowl, a frown on his face.)
I thought I was a toxic person. So I pushed him away. It was kind of, like, a way to prove to myself that I was right? A self fulfilling prophecy, if you will. Anyway, we — I started being a dick. A total asshole.
[Jared’s mom, from another room]: JARED, LANGUAGE
[Jared, in Hebrew]: SORRY, MOM!
[Jared’s sister, in German]: Why are we all yelling in Hebrew?
(Jared turns back to the camera, an exasperated look on his face.)
Um, I pushed him away because I couldn’t deal with my feelings, and I didn’t want him to leave me once I figured it out, but I was too cowardly to leave. So I kinda… Kickstarted the process by being an absolute… hecking nightmare.
[Jared’s mom can be heard laughing]
Uh, anyway, in Junior year I pushed him away, and in Senior year, we got into some shady stuff. Like… Ugh, there’s so much I can’t say.
(Jared moves onto mixing the batter with a wooden spatula.)
Long story short, I said some things I shouldn’t have, and I feel really bad about it, and even though I’ve apologized, I wanted to do something more.
…So this is the more.
(Jared stares right into the camera.)
Wow. Character development is exhausting.
[Africa by Toto plays]
(A timelapse of Jared energetically stirring the cookie batter until it’s ready.)
[Music stops]
Okay, so, now for the chocolate chips.
(Jared carefully shakes chocolate chips into the batter and stirs.)
Um, I really… care about him. And I’m… I still feel — like I said, I still feel bad. So this is what I’m doing. Uh — I don’t want you guys to think that I’m, like, doing this for views or whatever. I’m not. I just wanted to document it. Also I wanted to see whether I’d cry on camera.
[Laughs]
Is that enough ch— there’s never enough chocolate. I’m so right. I have a godtier brain, I admit. Uh… I think that’s enough chocolate, um, time to make cookies!
(A montage of Jared poking at the batter and trying to figure out how to start. Text over the screen reads, “ADHD brain.”)
[Dramatic music plays]
(The screen’s colours become more saturated and zoom in on the face of one very exasperated Jared.)
[Loudly] Fuck.
(The word “fuck” appears on the screen over the video in bright pink Comic Sans.)
Spoons.
(The word “spoons” replaces “fuck” on the screen.)
[Jared’s mom, off-screen]: Jared…
JARED: SORRY… Uh… Spoons.
(Jared takes a spoon from the drawer and begins scooping up cookie batter and placing it on the cookie sheet haphazardly, without bothering to roll it. He continues this as he speaks).
I was at, like, a really dark time in my life. I was, it was… my home life was pretty bad—
[Shouting] MOM, I LOVE YOU NOW
[Jared’s mom, also shouting]: LOVE YOU TOO
Jared: And for whatever misguided reason, I thought that being a jerk would be beneficial to me in some way. But it wasn’t, obviously. Like, not to get on my high horse, but making fun of Evan for being bad at socializing did nothing to improve my own social skills. Making fun of Evan’s crush on ‘Elizabeth; didn’t make my crush go away. All it did was make us both feel bad. I don’t know if it counts as bullying or what,
But it was definitely effed up.
Clearly, I regret it. And we’ve talked it through, and he knows he’s gonna be in a video, and he’s given me permission to talk about this — in vague terms — so don't worry about that, y’all. But he doesn’t know he’s getting cookies.
(Staring into the bowl of batter like it’s going to give him all the answers in the universe)
His favourite kind of cookies have always been chocolate chip. Home-made. So, y’know. I figured… I might as well,… Um… Yeah.
(Cut clip to Jared with a severe case of bedhead, sitting in a window seat. The clock behind him reads 04:47AM. He’s drinking an iced tea)
[Ice clattering in his glass]
Hey, y’all, it’s Editing Jared here. If that sounds gay… It is! Ha! I’m gay! I'm a homo.
…Back to your regularly scheduled cookies.
(Cut scene back to Jared fighting with batter, which he manages to fling out of the bowl and into his hair).
[Long, deep sigh]
Alexa… play Despacito.
[Despacito plays]
(Cut scene to Jared washing his hair in the kitchen sink)
[Music ends]
(Cut scene back to Jared and his cookies)
…This wasn’t supposed to make such a mess. I’m gonna have to, um, roll the dough now! I hate this part! I hate the texture of cookie dough. Love eating it, but I hate rolling it.
(Jared cringes as he rolls the dough into little balls)
Hello, yes, when I was on my ten-minute jacket pins monologue — the one I cut out of this video — I mentioned the autism pin. Which I can’t point to right now, but future me will edit in a picture of it.
(A picture of the aforementioned pin appears in the top right corner. It’s a white pin, about the size of the cap for a bottle of juice, and it has the rainbow infinity symbol, which is the autism pride symbol)
Part of autism is sensory pr—well, it’s not really part of it, but it’s really common—Sensory processing issues. So things like, being really sensitive to sound, hating certain tastes or textures, being sensitive to smells or lights, or even doing things like running into walls; those can all be signs that a kid — or an adult — has sensory processing issues.
You can be overstimulated or understimulated —the person running into walls would be understimulated and looking for sensory stimulation to calm down, where the person wearing headphones while in the grocery store is probably overstimulated.
Rolling this cookie dough is a sensory experience, and it’s not one I like.
Uh… but I’m really off topic, so. Hey, at least it distracted me from these cookies.
(Jared looks down at the cookie sheet)
Halfway done. Um, so, I’m — Clearly I’m not very good with words. But I hope this gets the point across. And, kids. If you’re insecure about something, if you’re scared, there’s much better ways to deal with that than being a bully. And I get that, uh, it’s kind of a learnt behaviour.
(Jared hits the woah.)
If you were raised or if you’re being raised in an environment where insecurities are exploited to be mocked, it’s really likely that your brain will pick up on that and go, “Hey, that’s what we should do!” That doesn’t make you a bad person, it just means you need to focus on how your actions affect other people, and why you chose to make the choices you did. I really do get it. Like, things are better now, but — When I was younger, it was all, just—
(Jared shrugs, throwing his hands out and slamming one into the cabinet.)
I’m not the brightest. Uh… Like, my parents would both make fun of me for things I couldn’t help and things like that, so that’s kind of… the way I was raised? So it became my go-to survival instinct. Shut down emotion and hurt someone else. Uh, things are better with my mom, and my dad is only here once a week, but the, uh… The emotional effects of living in that kind of environment… Uh, it takes a lot of reflection to change the habits it causes, and it takes a lot of therapy to change the sense of self worth that it causes. But yeah. No. I’m gonna put the cookies in the oven. And by “I’m,” I mean my sister’s going to.
[Jared’s sister]: Why?????
JARED: Because I’m scared of the oven ever since I got a burn —
(Jared holds his middle finger up to the camera. A light pink burn scar can be seen between the first and second knuckle)
— It was truly traumatizing. And I would know. I've been through trauma! I'd know!
[Nervous laughter]
Anyway uh...
(Cut scene. The next clip shows Jared, the same place and time, but with a candy cane in his mouth)
Coping skills! I guess we're doing this now. It's kind of a way to measure my mental health, but also to calm me down. Whenever I feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack or a breakdown or… anything like that… I grab a candy cane. The rate of candy canes consumed shows how I'm doing, and it also helps me calm down.
Oh! My sister put the cookies in the oven, by the way. But I cut it out so her face wouldn't be on the internet. There's—
(Jared turns to check the timer)
—7 minutes left. What should I do for seven minutes…? Oh! I should tell Evan to come on over.
(He holds up his phone and hits Evan’s contact, which is “ev” with a row of hearts.)
I’m so scared, oh my god.
(He hits the “call” button with one finger and immediately jumps back before putting the phone on speaker.)
[Phone rings three times]
EVAN: Jared? You ok?
JARED: Ye-ah. Uh, do you, do you want to — come over?
EVAN: Yeah…? Sure? Uh — is everything okay?
JARED [spoken like a liar]: Yeah I’m fine. I’m actually filming right now, so.
EVAN: Oh is this the ever-elusive video about [censored with light music] that you’ve been talking about?
JARED: That’s the one!
EVAN: I’ll — I can be over in like, half an hour?
JARED: aight fam sounds lit af !
EVAN: I hated that!
JARED: Me too!!!!!
(Scene cuts to Jared standing with cookies on a rack behind him)
What’s up, y’all! Um, he’s not gonna be here for another 20 minutes, so I figured I might as well show you some of the “heterosexual” songs I wrote about him in middle school. And I’ll have the thing, so it’s like, you know, the, uh,
(Jared waves his hands in the air to the left of his head.)
Box. Box thing. Video.
(Cut clip to Jared, still with a severe case of bedhead. The clock behind him reads 05:12AM.)
Split screen. I was trying to say split screen.
(Cut clip back to the kitchen)
So here’s some clips of my younger self being gay.
(The video of the current Jared gets smaller and a younger version of him fills the frame. In the video, he’s about 13 years old, with red braces, glasses, and a Hawaiian shirt. He’s holding a guitar. His hair is in an afro and he greets the camera by shaking his head and making his hair fly everywhere)
[BABY JARED, spoken] Perfect!
(He begins to strum the guitar)
♫ Do you think about me? ♫
♫ When it’s 11 o’clock ♫
♫ And you’ve got Lunch B ♫
♫ Do you look at all the jocks ♫
♫ Sitting at the table like they’ve got the key ♫
♫ To being perfect and wonder if the lock ♫
♫ Would fit the paperclip in your bag— ♫
JARED: I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. New video.
(The video shows a slightly older version of him. He’s still about 13 years old, with blue braces, glasses, and a black MCR hoodie. He’s holding a guitar. His hair is in an afro, with the sides shaved.)
♫ He tells you what he’s going through ♫
♫ And he listens to the boy in need ♫
♫ All his generosity is new to you ♫
♫ But he takes a weed brownie and he says ♫
♫ Boy, don’t worry ♫
♫ I know you’ve been having a hard time ♫
♫ Though the future is blurry ♫
♫ There’s no need to run and hide ♫
♫ We could be brighter than the stars, boy ♫
♫ We could live better than we ever have, boy ♫
♫ Don’t you worry what anyone is gonna say ♫
♫ ‘Cause we won’t be the boys from yesterday anymore ♫
JARED: Okay, my voice is kinda [Weird high-pitched screechy noise] but otherwise, hey, that’s… not that bad. Like… Kinda entry-level, but… I mean, it’s not hella cringey, so. But like… weed brownie? Doesn’t? Rhyme? Wait, no, I think that was for dramatic effect… to show how high he got? Who knows. Uh… This one’s a, uh, it’s a… it’s a poem. From 9th grade.
I should put the cookies in a container.
(Current Jared grabs a container and presses “play” on the video.)
(Fifteen-year-old Jared is wearing a black TØP tank-top and black running shorts. He holds up his sketchbook. His hair is shorter now, but not shaved.)
[BABY JARED:]
I know I’m not the best in the world
But god, I’m trying
I’m trying to
be there for you the way
you’ve always been there for me.
I love you,
why can’t you see that?
You’re just
incredible
if you’re a galaxy
then I’m an asteroid
If you’re mediocre
I’m better off dead.
(Jared pauses the video, purses his lips, and shakes his head)
JARED: Jesus Christ. Uh…
Yeah, no, I finished boxing the cookies, but I still want to write him a personal letter.
(Time-lapse of Jared gathering glitter pens and writing something with them on pale blue construction paper.)
(He holds it up to the screen. It’s a monstrosity of glitter. The outside edge is red and gold, and the words are written in green glitter. It reads, “hey Evan. sorry I was such an asshole. ily - jared”)
[The doorbell rings]
JARED: Oh heck, oh shoot, that's him!
(The camera shakes as Jared props it up and runs to the door)
[The door opens and closes]
JARED: Evan, hey!
EVAN: Hi, yeah, it's been a while.
JARED: Yeah.
(Evan holds out a succulent and Jared is visibly floored.)
EVAN: I just thought, because you used to bring me them all the time, that maybe, um–
(Jared throws his arms around Evan's neck.)
EVAN: Are we- do we hug now? Again?
JARED: Yeah.
EVAN: Okay. I can deal with that.
(The two break apart)
JARED: So, I, um. Come here.
(Jared brings him into the kitchen, closer to the camera, and hands him the Tupperware container of homemade cookies.)
JARED: I made you cookies.
EVAN: Oh my God. Thank you.
JARED: Yeah, of course, I— yeah. I also made you a card.
(Jared hands him the card and Evan opens it, his face softening, before throwing his arms around Jared again.)
EVAN: Dude, I love it.
JARED: Listen, man. I was an asshole back then. I was mean to you, and it wasn’t fair of me, and I’m sorry. Here’s the thing.
[Jared breathes in deeply]
JARED: I was an asshole because I was in love with you. And I thought you’d hate me for it, and so I pushed you away. I know that it was wrong, but I felt like it would make me feel better to make you feel bad. It made me feel worse, and every time I did something mean I felt horrible, but—
EVAN: Jared-
JARED: No, wait, if I stop now I won’t be able to continue. I was an asshole to you, and I’m sorry, and I wish I could undo everything I did. I know we’ve been doing a lot better recently but I just wanted to explain why I was such an utter douchebag. And I know that ‘I was an asshole because I liked you’ is such a stupid reason, but it’s the truth, and I just wanted you to know, because I know there’s, like— I can deal with things a lot better if I know why they’re happening, so I just wanted to give you that, even if it was retrospective.
EVAN: Jared.
JARED: Yeah?
EVAN: I’m in love with you.
(Jared blinks.)
JARED: You’re what?
EVAN: Yeah, I’m—
(Evan runs his hands through his hair)
JARED: Bro, I’m fucking—
(Jared rubs a hand over his face)
JARED: In love with you too. Bro.
EVAN: Holy shit.
JARED: Yeah.
EVAN: Holy shit.
JARED: Holy shit.
EVAN: Oh my god.
JARED: I’m in love wi— do you wanna, like, make out?
EVAN: Yeah
(The screen fades to black and cuts to Jared and Evan staring at each other, arms around each other’s necks)
EVAN: Dude, I think you’re still recording.
JARED: Oh, shit, yeah.
(Cut clip to Jared, still with a severe case of bedhead, still sitting in a window seat. The clock behind him reads 05:19AM.)
JARED: So, I’d say that went well. Uh… Yeah, we talked more, and… yeah. Wow. Okay. Um. We’re officially boyfriends now, so that’s great? I’m still kind of in shock, oh my God. Um, okay, forget to like and subscribe, and I’ll see you at some point. Bye!
(Jared does a peace sign motion, and the screen fades to black)