Chapter Text
He didn’t know how long he had been this way, just laying there in bed curled up so tight as shivers wracked his body despite the warmth coming off of his body and the blankets covering him like a thick cocoon. It could have been seconds, minutes, or even hours. It might have even been days for all he knew, and yet he still felt the exact same thing. His head was laid on his pillow feeling more like a weighted brick dragging him deeper and deeper into unknown waters more than anything else. Just moving, in general, felt roughly the same way, he wasn’t sick, he knew that much for certain. He was at peak health and fitness, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to move a single inch. He wasn’t sad, if anything…. He didn’t know what emotion he was feeling right now, but whatever it was.. it got under his skin with little to no effort. Destabilizing him from what should have been a normal productive day in doing his work.
He should be up. He should have gone down to breakfast long ago, and he should have started his work even before then. He should have at least gotten dressed and done something other than pathetically laying there, with the tears long since drying on his face.
He was pathetic.
With nothing but the thoughts in his head to keep him company, as he silently spiraled, leaving him to delve on things that he really shouldn’t be delving into in the first place.
Who was he? Why was he even here? Why did he exist in the first place? Did he even matter? Would… would the others even miss him if he were gone? What if they really hated him and were just too polite and well… used to him to say otherwise.
Did he hate them?
Did he hate being here?
Did he hate existing?
It was thoughts like that, that filled up his morning well into his afternoon. He’d long since heard the others marching about and doing their daily duties. Patton downstairs and the smell of breakfast hot and ready for consumption. Roman singing in the bathroom as he took a shower and put on his makeup. Virgil just lurking about and occasionally moving when he got too restless to be in one position. The only difference being… that there was him, not getting up and not doing anything like he was supposed to do.
He instinctively burrowed even deeper into his blankets the moment that he heard a pair of footsteps moving past his door, a faint whine leaking past his lips as the covers fell over his head and eyes.
I don’t want to be here anymore…
It wasn’t a sudden or even a surprising realization that Logan came to, it was more like the thoughts of autumn that came back every time the leaves started to shift in color. From green, to yellow and red, to eventually brown as they fell upon the ground to be stepped on. It was a familiar thought, and one that he’d dealt with whether he had realized it or not, and once again it was back as he laid in his bed just as it always did.
No… he really didn’t want to be here.
He didn’t want to be around Patton, the constantly sunny disposition leaving not a single inch of space for the negative feelings that clung to Logan’s shoulders like burs. He didn’t want to be around Roman, someone who… probably wouldn’t understand at all given how the creative side took to his equally creative but mocking nicknames that stug him every bit as much as they were supposed to. He didn’t want to explain to him, that he… the one who claimed to be above all that pesky emotional business, was suffering from just that. As for Virgil…
At the image of the other side’s sneer, that seemed tattooed on his face when it came to Logan… he couldn’t help but to shudder, curling ever so much tighter in on himself. His lungs struggled to expand as he clutched at his knees, but nevertheless, he did not want to go to Virgil…
That much was very clear to him.
He wanted out.
He wanted to escape.
He needed to escape.
He didn’t want to be around people, he didn’t want to be around the others.
He wanted to be… alone. As alone as someone like him could get in a world like this, where his entire existence revolved around his host and everything that he did. He wanted to selfishly be alone, unconnected, and relinquished from everyone around him. He wanted out of his bedroom, out of the household that all of them resided in, out of… out of the mindspace itself. He did want to be alone, completely and truly alone.
Truly.
So how on earth was he supposed to do that?
Standing blandly ahead at his bland blue wall, the weight of his blanket felt crushing. Like he was resting under a ton of bricks rather than a blanket that was optimal for rest and relaxation. His legs fidgeted from where they were curled up against his chest, and his lungs screamed at him regardless of the fact that he logically did not need any oxygen to breathe like a normal human. He wanted to do something, anything really. But his mind was drawing up one massive blank that he couldn’t seem to fill in the spaces of, it was almost like something more than gravity itself was keeping him to fixed to the location that was his bed, but he just couldn’t move despite wanting to do nothing more than that.
Why was he like this?
His tie hung up over the mirror adjacent to his bed almost mockingly, all of them along with his shirt, pants, and belt. They were all there, telling him just what he needed to do and what exactly his job was.
There is no escape. They whispered to him, sounding more and more mocking with each second. You’re here.
“But I don’t want to be,” Logan whispered the words into the bed where he had laid for who knows how many hours. “I want out… I want out! I want out!” He hissed, clutching the fabric of his sheets until his knuckles turned white, something white-hot pumped through his veins at those words of truth. He didn’t want to be here, and he didn’t want to put on that tie just to go out and talk to them. He wanted…
Out. Now.
Staggering blindly out of his bed, Logan roughly seized the glasses on his bedside table before jamming them onto his face. Without really paying attention he snagged a random pair of jeans and a long sleeve shirt, snatching up the warm grey scarf he wildly wound it around his neck before stepping down and in turn rising right up. The blast of cold wind hit him like a semi-truck as soon as he appeared outside. Even on a good day, he wasn’t too used to rising up outside of Thomas’ house, and now… on a bad day, the shock of cold to his system nearly bowled him over almost sending him toppling back against Thomas’ front door.
It was a lot colder than he had originally thought it to be.
He really should have come with a jacket and not just the scarf he had grabbed on instinct. But nevertheless, here he was, and there was no way in hell he was going to go back, when he’d already taken his first steps out. It was like an invisible wall in is brain, that yanked and shoved his feet forward, ensuring that he didn’t take a single step back towards that house. They… the others wouldn’t miss him for a few hours, they could live without him, and well… they always said that they could live without logic. So they’d be fine without having him for one day, they’d truly be fine, and if not… that meant that they were lying to him. And well… he wasn’t entirely sure which one would hurt more in that case, or which one would would hurt all of them more.
“Thomas mentioned a cafe not too far from here,” Logan muttered to himself, somehow managing a ghost of a smile on his face the more steps that he took, he wasn’t entirely sure what the flighty sensation in his chest was, but… he had never felt so free in his entire life. It was… nice. “I’ve never tasted crepes before, maybe if they’re good I can get Patton to make some when I come back. I can maybe even add some crofters to it!” He delightedly told himself, feeling just a sprinkling of light breaking through in his chest.
And just like that, walking further and further away from Thomas’ house, his host, and all of the other sides…
Logan was alone, truly alone.