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“Azat abi wouldn’t do that.” she was calm but her eyes were deadly.
“Oh yeah? Why? Because you are the only one he wants?” his jealousy fueled the flames of hatred until they were a blaze.
“No.” she shook her head once and set her jaw. “He isn’t that kind of man.”
He slowly huffed out a long breath from his nose, his whole body shaking as he advanced on her, backing her against a wall.
“Tell me. What kind of man is he?”
He was insinuating that she knew Azat in a way more intimate than cousins and he thought he could intimidate an answer out of her. She tilted her chin up so she could look down her nose at him even though he was taller.
“Azat is a good man.”
Rage shook his body even further and his eyes shone with fear. He got impossibly closer, pressing his body against hers and held up one finger for emphasis while he spoke.
“I’ll make sure he never touches another girl again.”
It wasn’t an empty threat. She had seen what he was capable of with her own eyes. His misdirected hatred angered her, and she lashed out.
“Why would he touch Gonul? Huh? He doesn’t love her or hate you enough to do that. Besides, he swore to never touch me when I agreed to marry him. He’s an honorable man!”
The hard angles of his face softened when he was hit with shock, and she knew she gave away too much.
“What?” he whispered, still so close to her.
She bit her lips and avoided his gaze. “He’s a good-”
“No. Not that.” he breathed on her cheek.
She was mad at herself for letting him get the upper hand and terrified that she would divulge more secrets. She squeezed her eyes shut and inhaled, hating the fact that her breathing automatically synced with his.
“Look at me. Tell me, Reyyan.” he said it so softly, knowing exactly how to break down her walls.
She obeyed and looked up at him and when she did she saw hope and so much love in his eyes. She couldn’t resist.
“I made him promise never to touch me as a condition to me marrying him.”
He blinked and gulped instead of asking her why. She understood anyway.
“He agreed knowing I would never want him.” she looked down as she told him her secret.
His lips parted to take in a heated breath. She could feel his chest rise and fall, his heart rate increasing. She could feel how badly he wanted to ask her why. Why she would agree to live the rest of her life without an intimate touch. Why she would never want another man.
Her eyes flicked up to his and she gave him his answer.
Because he’s not you.
She knew he understood her when his eyes went full black and he bent his head so their noses brushed. He was asking her to kiss him with his eyes, but his body pressed against hers was demanding it. She closed her eyes, hoping if she couldn’t see his intensity then she wouldn’t be so sorely tempted to do what they were both aching for. She knew it was improper to kiss a man outside of marriage, especially one that had done such evil to her, but hadn’t she been married to him for a time? Hadn’t she already kissed him? So what harm could come from doing it again?
She tilted her head ever so slightly and her soft rosy lips touched his gently. All she wanted was to give in to her desires for just a moment but she unwittingly fuelled the fire inside him. Ever since what happened in Urfa she knew that he wouldn’t breech their physical boundary until she did first. The soft brush of her lips against his just once was enough to open the flood gates of his ardor.
He had her pressed against the wall so there was nowhere to go. If she was honest, there wasn’t anywhere else that she’d rather be. She had wanted this, dreamed about it for so long. It was shameful, sinful , but it felt so right. He was the only man she had ever or would ever love. He was the man who ruined her, and she should hate him for it, but now she used it as an excuse to dive off the deep end with him, again. Afterall, what did she have to lose?
Her lips brushed his for just a moment before she pulled away slowly. But with lightning speed he pressed his lips against hers again, his hand at the back of her neck tilting her up to meet him. There were no barriers between them now, not the physical barrier of her own fingers or the emotional barrier of secrets and lies. She could feel his heart fluttering against her own chest, his body and lips pressing her into the wall so hard it verged on pain.
He came back from the edge when he realized he could hurt her. He pulled back slightly, keeping his hand in her hair, just to breathe and look into her eyes. Goosebumps broke out all over her body and her breath came short when he looked at her like that. He was so close her eyes nearly crossed when looking at him. They were sharing a moment. It was the moment before they either stepped back or jumped in. He was begging permission and demanding entrance at the same time. She was light headed from fear and anticipation.
She grabbed his lapels with both hands and pulled him off the deep end with her. He was shocked for a fraction of a second before he secured his grip on her neck and pressed where she pulled. His tongue ran along the seam of her lips then pushed in. His eagerness had got the better of him, but she opened for him without hesitation and he greedily tasted her.
They had only kissed like this once before. The memories of their wedding night came flooding back to her. But the harder he kissed her now the more she realized how he was holding back then. She was nervous but excited then, just as now, but then she was so deliriously happy, thinking how perfect everything was. Now she knew that nothing was perfect, and very little of her life was happy, but in spite of what he did to her and every obstacle between them, she knew he was the only one for her. Fate had dealt her a blow, but it had also paired them together, and for that she could not resent.
What she had only had a taste of before, now she was inhaling. His fervent passion for her and only her was something she saw in his actions but never felt with lips and tongue and hands. Not on their wedding night, but in Urfa was the first time she experienced what he really felt for her. She used to fear what would have happened if she didn’t cover her lips then, but she was living it now and she couldn’t get enough. They had never been so free, so uninhibited, and it was like a drug.
He turned his head the other way and angled hers to dive deeper. Her hands moved from his lapels to his shoulders, then she wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, never breaking their kiss. His right hand finally moved from her neck to join it’s twin on the small of her back. She felt the muscles in his arms tighten when he wrapped them around her waist to pull her impossibly closer. The feeling of her breasts pressed against his chest and his arousal pressed against her abdomen sent blood rushing down to her core.
It would be a lie to say that she didn’t expect this to happen when she kissed him. The way he always looked at her, his physicality, his insane jealousy: she knew he wanted her, always. Every time they fought she could feel that sexual charge. Every time he grabbed her and she tried to push him away, it was a kind of foreplay. This was just the first time they gave in to the feeling.
She knew the desire for him would never go away, and she was so tired of burying it. She knew by doing this that she would become all the things her awful grandfather had called her, but right now she didn’t care. She ran her fingers through his hair and pulled a little, telling him she wanted more. He bucked into her impulsively, his fingers digging into the flesh of her ribs so hard it would leave marks.
He wasted no time, finding the tie of her dress and loosening it in seconds. She broke their kiss to unbutton his shirt, and he followed her lead by unbuttoning the front of her dress. His hands shook, but hers were sure. She wanted to see him. The last time she had seen him shirtless it was because he was bleeding to death and she was trying to save his life. She wanted to wash away those memories, touch his soft skin and feel the strength of his body.
He was still beautiful, even with the scar she gave him. Tan from the summer sun he looked different than the first time they did this, but he felt the same. Momentarily lost in him, she didn’t notice how he paused in unfastening her buttons. He was admiring her beauty as she was admiring his. The collar of her dress was around her shoulders, exposing her decolletage in a simple black bra. Inexperienced though she was, she knew how he felt about her body, and her breasts in particular. He was entranced, and she understood the power she had over him.
She didn’t wait for him to continue, but began undoing her own buttons while he stared. The sudden firm grip of his fingers on her wrists frightened and aroused her. He moved in and kissed her soundly while slipping the sleeves of her dress down her arms and tugging the fabric that pooled at her waist down so that it fell to the floor. There was something so erotic about standing before him in just a bra and cotton panties while he still wore his trousers, socks, and shoes. She would never say it out loud, but she loved the feeling of being tamed by him. She loved the feeling of his broad chest and strong arms surrounding her, demanding her, no room for escape.
His lips were just as demanding, making her dizzy with lust. She raked her fingernails down his naked torso and blindly searched for his belt buckle. He let out a growl that normally she would have laughed at, but the sound of it shot like lightning between her thighs and she clenched involuntarily. He took matters into his own hands then, and undid his buckle and pants, pushing them down and ripping socks and shoes off so he could kick them all the way off to free himself.
They were even now, standing before each other in only their underwear. His chest heaved and his manhood strained in his boxer briefs. He had never looked more terrifying, more vulnerable, more absolutely beautiful. She could see the fear in his eyes, like he was afraid of himself, of what he was capable of. She was afraid too. Not that he would hurt her physically, but that she would live to regret this. The trauma she suffered after their first night together was vivid in her mind, the desire for him mixed with a twinge of fear and pain. They were at a crossroads for a second time in a matter of minutes. Should they stop now, and not have to relive their terrible past? Or should they close their eyes and jump, but this time hand in hand?
She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep breath. Then she felt his fingers brush along her cheek to hold her face, and she looked up at him. His hands were trembling and his eyes were pleading.
“It’s only ever been you, Reyyan.” his voice was a shaky whisper but his words were sure.
She understood what he was telling her. He had never done this with anyone but her. He wanted her to know she wasn’t alone.
She wrapped her delicate fingers around his wrists to pull his hands down from her face. He acquiesced, unsure of what she was doing. She let go of his wrists and ran her fingers along the tops of his hands, brushing his knuckles, before placing them on his palms, for him to hold. And he did.
He squeezed her hands tight, letting her know he would never let go. When he pulled her with him over to the bed, it seemed to happen in slow motion. Everything happened so fast, but with a dreamlike quality that made some details blurry and others stand out sharply. She didn’t remember how their last remaining scraps of clothing disappeared, but she memorized the way he lay her down gently, as if she were made of glass. She couldn’t recall opening up for him and him settling between her legs, instinct and her body’s knowledge of him leading her. But she would never forget that first push, the feeling of completeness that she didn’t think she’d ever feel again.
How could this be called a sin when it felt so right? This had all started with a sexually charged confrontation, and turned into something so beautiful. She knew why they hadn’t done this since that fateful night, and why they shouldn’t be doing it now, but she couldn’t bring herself to regret it. Their souls merged into one and the whole world was reduced to just them . She felt strong, and safe, and loved, and understood, and she never wanted this moment to end. Everything he ever said about destiny and fate was true. They were made for each other and she was done denying it. She let go, let herself be free and enjoy their connection and the euphoric feeling it brought.
He was lost in the feeling too. He shook from the sensation of being inside her, from holding himself back to wait for her. He hit that spot one more time at just the right pace and she was seeing galaxies behind her eyes. He kissed the moan from her mouth and dove deeper before letting himself go. The feeling of him pulsing inside her brought her back down to earth.
It was the second time they sinned together. The second time they felt each other and joined together with no barriers. She had a lack of carnal knowledge, but she was smart enough to know they had taken a huge risk. Bringing a child into this world, into their lives as they were now, was definitely a terrible idea. And yet, the thought of having a small piece of him to carry with her, to be able to hold the physical embodiment of their love, was something she couldn’t get out of her mind.
She didn’t know if the same thoughts were whirring around his head. He had rolled off of her onto his back, pulling her with him to rest on his chest, just as he had on their first night. His eyes were closed and his face at peace, so she had no way of reading him. There was nothing about him that seemed to regret anything they had done. Still, she lay on his chest, worrying her lips with her teeth until he brushed the hair back from her face and tilted her chin up to look at him.
“Reyyan, don’t be scared. I will never leave you again. I will follow where you lead. ”
“What if I go somewhere you cannot follow?”
“I will guard the gate and wait for your return.”
“What if I returned with someone new? Someone I love more than my own life?”
It was obvious he didn’t understand what she was trying to ask him because his face became grave and pale and his hand dropped from her chin as he swallowed hard.
“What if I returned with a gift for you? So you could hold a piece of me in your arms even when I was not there?”
It was safe to say he was confused, but he no longer looked like he would suffocate and die on the spot.
“Would you cherish it? Would you protect my gift just as you protect me?”
She watched the realization dawn on his face.
“Are you-? Do you have a gift for me now?”
She shook her head.
“I would cherish your gift.” his hand held her face again. ”Just don’t go without me.”
She smiled and kissed his lips tenderly before laying her head down on his chest and letting the strong steady beat of his heart lull her to sleep.