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The lights in Shepard’s apartment are switched off but there is enough light from outside for the rooms to be surveyed. Shepard is leaning against railing in the upper floor, looking down and thinking about the security advices that Garrus gave him once. He has to admit that his friend was right. He is vulnerable here. The windows are needlessly big and only a few pieces of furniture provide almost no useful covers. Maybe he starts to be paranoid. And more probably he just tries to chase away his thoughts about Kaidan. He misses him so much. That’s why he is standing here in the middle of night instead of lying in bed, sleeping. He used to share that bed with Kaidan and now it is too big, too empty, too cold without him.
Shepard gives a helpless sight. As much as he struggles with it he is not able to avoid reminiscing and asking why. It has been several weeks since Kaidan was snatched from Shepard’s arms, from his life. And even though Shepard does know why, he still doesn’t completely understand the situation.
Somebody reported their fraternization to the Alliance and Kaidan was ordered to pack his things and leave Normandy during their very next stop in Citadel. And Kaidan packed his bags and left the ship without arguing, still being the soldier by the book. He and Shepard had shared few hot kisses and desperate touches before that, but later, in front of the airlock, they just shook each other hand and said their goodbyes. No tears, no big emotions, no more words. They were adult men, bold soldiers. Shepard left while Kaidan was bidding farewell to the rest of the Normandy crew. He didn’t want to hear Tali to cry.
Now Shepard wonders who could do that to them. They were discreet. They were very careful not to display any affection in the public. So what happened? Of course everybody aboard Normandy knew. But Shepard considered them friends, family. He believed them with his live. He still does. Nobody, nobody from Normandy would take the only thing – only person – he has ever wanted for himself from him. He is sure about that. So who would dare? No way was it Anderson. Who else? Shepard doesn’t know. Does it even matter now?
And once again he recalls his conversation with admiral Hackett.
Commander Shepard.
Admiral.
I suppose you want to talk about major Alenko.
Yes, sir.
There is nothing I can do about that, Shepard. I knew about your relationship and I closed my eyes and pretended I didn’t. But now there is an official report accusing you two of breaching the protocol and I have to take measures.
Roger that, sir. Shepard becomes silent.
I can promise you there will be no court-martial with major or you.
Shepard keeps from laughing. Of course there will be no court-martial. In the end of this war they will be probably dead. He just wants to spend his days and nights with the man he loves. Now. As long as he can, as long as he breaths.
But there is only possible response for such offer. Besides, Kaidan would really appreciate that.
Thank you, sir.
Admiral nods. Hackett out. And he is gone.
Shepard opens his omni-tool and reads the critical report that it is all about. It is signed by admiral Hackett but he knows it is not originally from him. Report came from the anonymous source. Is it even possible? Shepard frowns. And again he asks himself if it is really important. If it really matters. Because he knows there is something more important and stranger. For the hundredth time Shepard tries to send a message to Kaidan.
Message cannot be delivered.
It has been several weeks since Kaidan left. It has been several weeks since Shepard heard from him. Last time he saw him, Kaidan was hugging Liara after they docked in Citadel. He tried to contact him the very same night but he wasn’t able to call him, to send him a message, nothing. He asked EDI, but the result of hers more sophisticated attempts was just the same.
First of all he considered that cruel. Soon the feeling changed to suspicious. And nobody was willing to explain what was happening. Kaidan was no longer in his hierarchy of command so they were allowed to see each other during their free time on shore leaves. Right? Right. But they didn’t. Kaidan just disappeared from Shepard’s life and there was huge hole in commander’s heart that was left behind. Shepard wonders – not for the first time – if Kaidan is experiencing the same torturing. Does he try to contact him without success as well? Sometimes insecurity grasps Shepard’s mind and he doubts Kaidan. What if it is Kaidan’s decision not to be found? Shepard clenches his fists and let out a silent groan. No. Not his Kaidan. Not after all they have gone through since Horizon.
It’s too late or too early to do stay awake and Shepard involuntarily heads to bedroom but changes his mind on his way and keeps going until he is downstairs and arrives at bed in the guest room.
While he is taking his cloth off there is familiar beep sound from his omni-tool. Shepard’s heart skips a beat. He displays the incoming message with anticipation. Disappointment flashes on his face as he finds out that Liara is the message sender. He shakes his head about being foolish and turns off the omni-tool. Then he glances at clock. It’s really late, maybe the message is important. But if it was really important, Liara would call instead of sending a message. Eventually the curiosity takes best of him and he turns on his ‘tool again and opens Liara’s message. And if his heart skipped a beat earlier, now it stops beat completely.
Found him.
* * *
Found him.
These simple words are floating in front of Shepard’s eyes while he is driving to Liara’s office. He is sincerely glad for being a personal friend of Shadow Broker herself. Adrenalin is rushing through his veins and Shepard has to make himself to concentrate more on driving as he barely pays attention to his surroundings.
When Liara hands him the address of Citadel’s apartment in the luxurious quarter, he frowns in confusion and almost misses the concerned looks she gives him.
"You have found more, haven’t you?" Shepard realized.
"I have, Shepard. But… as you often say, it is not my story to tell," she replies reluctantly and Shepard knows it is senseless to try to get more from her.
He tries to calm down. Just because she doesn’t want to reveal it doesn’t mean it is bad news. But usually it is bad news. Oh, God.
"Thank you, Liara. It means a lot to me," he manages to tell her while he waves with data-card containing Kaidan’s address.
She gives him a small smile. "Anytime, Shepard," Liara assures him. "You won’t wait until morning, will you?" she asks and her smile grows bigger but sad at the same time. There is something wrong and the uncertainty swallows Shepard once more.
"No, I won’t" he replies more determined than before.
"I wouldn’t expect anything less than that from you, Shepard. Good luck," she says and this time her smile is bright and conforming.
And just as he said, Shepard doesn’t wait until morning. Actually it takes him twenty minutes only to get to the given address. He is lucky that no C-Sec patrol stops him because of breaking the speed limit. Well, he would use his Spectre status to get rid of them and continue on his way to Kaidan as soon as possible. When he parks his air-car, high building rises in front of him. There is illuminated reception behind front door and a night clerk opens the door for him.
"How can I help you?" he asks politely regardless of weird time that Shepard chose for his visit.
"I am going to visit major Kaidan Alenko," Shepard informs him.
Man in front of him gives him a small nod and checks on his computer. Then he frowns a little and repeats the series of commands. When he raises his head and looks at Shepard again there is apologetic smile on his face. "I am sorry, sir. Unfortunately there is no record about resident of given name. Are you sure you have a correct address?" he asks him still courteously.
"Yes, I am pretty sure I have correct address," Shepard assures him and handles him the data-card that he received from Liara. "The apartment number is mentioned there as well," he adds. Nathaniel, if the name on man's tag is really his, takes the data-card from Shepard and reads it.
"I see," he says and it requires Shepard’s experience to discover his well hidden anxiety. "Please wait here, Mr. …" he asks for Shepard’s name in his polite way.
"Shepard. Commander John Shepard," John introduces himself and watches Nathaniel swallowing hard.
"Please wait here, Mr. Shepard," Nathaniel chooses to use John’s surname and it is perfectly fine as far as he is not member of the Alliance.
John nods and looks around while Nathaniel disappears from the counter. Shepard can hear him speak in a low voice with somebody over his omni-tool but the words are too quiet to be understood. It doesn’t take long and Nathaniel reappears behind the counter again. Shepard considers being wrong about this clerk. He would be a fantastic spy.
"Mr. Alenko is awaiting you, sir," Nathaniel gives Shepard a faint smile. "Please use the elevator on your left. It is twenty-third floor," he adds being instrumental. Shepard could tell that from the apartment number, still he thanks him and heads for elevator. The green circle around the number 23 is already highlighted and Shepard keeps from the urge to push the button anyway. He thinks that the situation is becoming stranger and stranger every minute but he finds comfort in knowing that everything will be clear soon enough.
When he steps from the elevator, there are two soldiers in the Alliance uniforms pointing their guns at him. "Please remove everything from your pockets before you enter the apartment commander," one of these soldiers asks him and Shepard obeys for the sake of all of them. If they are looking for weapons he could wear they have to be disappointed as he doesn’t have one. They asks him even for his omni-tool – okay so he has his omni-blade with him – and he doesn’t even lift his brow at that request and handles it to them.
"Careful, I need it back," he jokes.
"Of course commander," the soldier replies deadly serious and they let him in.
There is a middle-age woman in the white overall, looking serious. And this time it is Shepard who swallows hard because he recognizes the silent sounds of medical instruments and the dusky light coming from the next door is giving him impression of hospital room.
"Kaidan?" he is not able to vocalize more than his lover’s name and the woman appearing as a doctor to Shepard simply nods.
"Please follow me," she asks him silently and takes him to another door than Shepard watches so carefully. "He sleeps. We shouldn’t disturb him now," she follows his gaze and answers to his thoughts.
Shepard nods wordlessly still not able to speak and he follows the doctor as he has been asked.
"I am Dr. Taylor, but you can call me Val," she offers.
"Val?" Shepard tries to get her to elaborate.
"Valerie but usually it seems to be too long for others. I am okay with Val," she smiles and small wrinkles around eyes prove her guilty of not taking enough sleep.
"Okay Val. I am John," he holds out his hand and she squeezes it slightly and shakes it.
Her smile becomes wider. "Oh, I know, John. I know everything about you," she says with a strong stress on the word everything and Shepard is somehow sure she means it.
The room they enter used to be large living room once but now it is laboratory, monitoring room, and bedroom as well and probably even more but there is no time to survey it in detail because Shepard notices the monitor showing Kaidan and he approaches it immediately staring at the image of his sleeping lover. He doesn’t look injured; there are no bandages, no tubes, not life-supporting devices. Shepard feels relief and fear at the same time.
"What’s wrong with him?" he doesn’t even look at her while he is asking because he can’t break the gaze. He touches the screen where the Kaidan’s face is displayed. It’s not enough but he takes everything he can get.
"His L2 implants are giving him hard times," Dr. Taylor discloses.
Shepard frowns. There have always been these migraines but nothing more. He asks her about it and she gives a deep sight. "We suppose that the excessive use of his biotics powers during last few months has led to this," she clarifies carefully. "His synapses are falling apart quickly. We are trying to stabilize them but…" she bows her head, looking at floor, avoiding meeting Shepard eyes. "I am sorry, John," she whispers.
Shepard feels dizzy. His legs are suddenly made from jelly instead of bones and muscles. They can hold him no more and he collapses to his knees, hurting the bad one, covering his face with his palms.
Kaidan is not dying. This cannot be truth. This is not real. It’s just another bad dream. A new nightmare that is going to torment me during his lonely nights. Wake up Shepard. Wake up!
Wake up!
But the hard squeeze of shoulders that somebody gives him proves that he is not dreaming; that he cannot be woken up. "Oh God," he whispers in terror and his voice is trembling awfully. One of the soldiers, which he met in the hall in front of the apartment, helps him to his feet and Dr. Taylor hand him a glass of water, watching him with concern.
* * *
Shepard is sitting at Kaidan’s bed. The feeling is familiar. It is Mars all over. But that time the prognoses doctors were giving him were good. Shepard bites his bottom lip not to moan aloud. He hates to be powerless. He hates not to be able to do anything for his lover. And he is exhausted as well. He spent quite a lot time yelling at Hackett for not telling him. And the old man, admiral, his superior let him to yell at him. He didn’t yell back, he didn’t tell Shepard to shut the fuck up, he didn’t threaten him with pressing charges against him. And he didn’t apologize.
I won’t tell you to leave Shepard. That was the last thing he said to Shepard until he quit the call.
No, he doesn’t need to tell him that. Shepard knows what is at stake. He knows that Anderson and his people, all people, are fighting for their very lives back on the Earth. He knows he has to leave eventually. And he will. Eventually.
Kaidan is still sleeping and Dr. Taylor insists on it being good for him. He doesn’t argue with her but takes Kaidan’s hand carefully and strokes his fingers as he bends down and leans his forehead against Kaidan’s thigh keeping most of its weight being held with his neck and back. It doesn’t take much time and he falls asleep.
When he wakes up several hours later, Kaidan is stroking his buzz-cut hair. "Hey, Sleeping Beauty," he whispers, smiling.
Shepard lifts his head and takes a look at Kaidan’s pale face. There is no evidence of pain or discomfort right now. Dr. Taylor warned Shepard that Kaidan was slowly losing his memory but he assured her they were not going to talk about past. Still, he exhales in relief that Kaidan remembers him.
"Hey," Shepard replies simply and before he can caress or kiss Kaidan he needs to have a little stretch. He tries not to look sad. He knows that Kaidan is familiar with his condition but... It is their first time since their goodbye aboard Normandy and he wants to make it special. It’s not easy as Dr. Taylor allows Kaidan to get out from bed at most, but there are only few things apart from improvisation that Shepard excels in. And even if they are coffined here, the little things they can do they enjoy amazingly. Shepard gives Kaidan a long gently and thorough massage, they share several meals during day and even they watch the latest Blasto movie, which is terrible as always and they love it. In the evening Shepard persuades Dr. Taylor to let them alone for the night. She knows and after several minutes of thinking she nods. She changes the monitoring thresholds little bit to give them the space they would need.
They have a long shower together and when they return to bed, the touches they give to each other are gentle, playful, filled with affection, love and – how the night goes on – also passion. The sex at the brake of a day is… No. There is no word strong enough, good enough to cover all the feelings they are experiencing. It just is. They just are. Together. Joined. Melted. One.
They love each other so much.
Later, when Shepard gets dressed and kisses Kaidan’s soft and warm lips goodbye, they are promising nothing to each other. Shepard strokes gently Kaidan’s hair and Kaidan catches Shepard’s hand and presses it to his cheek. All their emotions fill their eyes and the look, Kaidan gives Shepard, sends warm flowing through Shepard body. He feels the burning around his heart and this time it is not the pain that threatens to burn out from his chest. He takes a deep breath to say something melodramatic finally, but Kaidan makes him silent pressing his index finger against Shepard's lips.
"It’s perfect as it is," Kaidan says him in the husky voice Shepard loves so much.
Shepard nods, moves Kaidan’s finger gently away and tastes the lips of his lover once more.
"Yeah," he exhales slowly when their lips part.
To turn around and leave is the most difficult task he has been ever asked to complete.
* * *
Shepard does his best to visit Kaidan as often as possible. Unfortunately it is not often at all and Shepard witnesses Kaidan disappearing slowly. Part of his memory is already gone; he starts to struggle even with some simply tasks and no way would he be able to use such complicated device like his omni-tool. But no matter what goes down the water with him, he always has that loving smile on his lips when he sees Shepard.
"I hope the damned bastard who wrote the fucking report enjoyed his little victory, ‘cause I will broke his thin neck," Shepard curses one day while he prepares himself for leaving again. It is the first time Kaidan hears him to use such harsh words and he chuckles. The sound warms Shepard but he still lifts his brow at Kaidan’s amusement.
"What?" he asks little bit angrily. He is serious about that.
"I hope not," Kaidan answers grinning. That makes Shepard completely confused. "I don’t believe it is still not obvious to you," Kaidan shakes his head and Shepard is more curious than irritated. His gaze prompts Kaidan to continue. "The damned bastard was me," Kaidan confesses and Shepard’s jaw falls down.
“What?!" he cannot believe his ears. Did Kaidan really say that?
"Dr. Chakwas found out what had been happening with me and we needed to act quickly. I knew you would do anything to get me the best care but there were so many things that needed your attention. So many steps to take to finish the Crucible, so many missions to go. I didn’t want to be burden to you. And please don’t tell me I wouldn’t. I know you wouldn’t feel it that way but… It was my decision to leave Normandy and Anderson and Hackett helped me to do it quite elegantly. Don’t you think?" Kaidan still looks amused as if it is the best joke in his life. And maybe it is.
Shepard doesn’t know what to say, what to do. He would like to punch Kaidan for that and he knows he could because it is only his brain that suffers the issues. But he hugs him tightly instead. "I would never tell you are such highbinder," he shakes his head in disbelief. Then he presses his lips on Kaidan’s. "Knew that on the Normandy, I would let you to deal with all the politicians," he adds when he pulls up little bit.
"Normandy," Kaidan says with longing in his voice. "I would love to fly with you again," he whispers.
"You will," Shepard can’t hold himself back prom this promise. "I swear you will," he adds in a low voice and for the very first time in his adult ages his eyes glances with tears.
* * *
It takes just few weeks.
"You see, Kaidan?" Shepard says. "I am keeping my promise," he continues, his voice weak and trembling. But it doesn’t bother him as there is no one else who would judge him because of that.
He is standing in the middle of the Shuttle bay. He lays his hand on the metal pod covered in the Alliance blue-and-with flag, examining the texture of the fabric with his fingertips.
"We are going to retake Earth," there is a long pause before Shepard continues.
"I am taking you home," he whispers and smiles.