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I wanted to hear him scream.
This thought came to me one night, during a concert. His blonde hair fell onto his face, his lips pouted, as if asking me to kiss them. Well, I obliged, during fever, planting a fiery one on his lips. He was surprised. We were, after all, just friends.
But, you see, I am a very passionate man. I have needs. And he just drives me up the wall. The way his hands play that bass...oh god, keep it together, Adam. Keep it together.
I knew the fans thought that we were together. And I let them think that.
I was in love with my bassist.
And I wanted to make him scream my name.
Or you know, whatever floats his boat.
Don’t even care if he calls me Kimberly.
I sat there in my apartment, contemplating these dirty thoughts that I shouldn’t be having. Tommy was my friend, and here I was, thinking of different ways to make him say my name, which would probably sound really sexy…oh god I just need to stop. Cool down for a bit…
Sipping on my beverage, my legs crossed; here I am, all dressed up and nowhere to go, no one to please. More, no one to tease. I just rhymed. I do it all the time! Okay Adam, stop, you sound like a tool. I need to get a new hobby. Talking to myself is not something that I like to admit. And I do it way too much.
Someone knocked on the door. As I basically whipped my hair back and forth, giving myself temporary whiplash, I moved quickly, and opened the door with a little too much force. And who else was there but my dirty thoughts.
“Hey Adam,” his voice silk, a pout planted on his face, “I was wondering if you wanted to get a drink or something.” Tommy pushed his platinum blonde hair from his face, casually. Wearing a black shirt with red tie, leather pants, studded buckle, heavy black eyeliner…he looked stunning.
My smile was wide, making me look deranged. I leaned on the door, making a hopefully seductive pose. “Sure thing man. I was just wondering what you were up to.” Tommy made a face at me, which looked borderline confused, but mostly amused, as he usually is. Our friendship was always pretty open. I mean, he lets me kiss him on stage, hump his leg, wank his guitar…countless times. We are basically lovers, but just not together. He sadly digs girls, so I don’t really have a chance. But when I look at those plump, red lips I am driven to the point of insanity. I wanted him so bad. But I know it would be wrong to do that to our friendship. Dang, Tommy, stop being so unconsciously persuasive!
“Um, okay then man. Where to?”
-How about my bed.-
“Well, I dunno. Know any good clubs around here? I haven’t been out as much since the tour.”
“How about we just get in the car, and see where that takes us?” Thinking on his feet, he always has. Tommy bit his lip, and looked at me with those beautiful eyes of his…
“Okay, sounds good. Let’s go!” I got my keys from the counter and ran to the door, closing it. I playfully put my arm around his neck, and kissed him softly on his forehead. He struggled away from me, throwing my hand from his neck.
“Dude, what was that?” I blushed terribly.
“Sorry man…I do that to all of my…uh…guy friends.”
He pushed his hair away from his face, nervously this time.
“Well, keep it at a minimum, okay? Your kisses on stage are enough, man.”
My chest tightened. Those words hurt. I just do not have a chance…but I will pursue him if it’s the last thing I do. I threw my hands up.
“Whatever. Sorry, Tommy.”
He just shook his head. “’S okay, Adam. You’re very impulsive, so I’ve been learning over time. I mean, I am too, but dude, you have got to think before you leap. Didn’t you say something like that in Aftermath or something? Try to take your own advice.” We walked out of the apartment down to my black sports car. I was fuming. I struggled to put the key in the car door, forgetting that I had an automatic key. I thrust the key in, and opened the car, trying not to have it look like I was throwing a fit. What was that jab back there?
“Well, Tommy, you are not exactly an angel.”
Tommy plopped in shotgun, put on his seatbelt, but then looked at me with a scorching look.
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” He pouted even more. It looked like he was sucking on something sour. I could tell he was pissed.
“You tell me to take my advice and to think before I act? What about you, huh? You are drunk almost every day, every hour.” He looked at me with udder disdain.
“You are going to go there. You are going to fucking go there. Adam, what is going on?”
We were just sitting there, in the car, arguing back and forth. I just started firing off at him, listing off his faults, his mistakes, and most of all; I was so close to admitting my love for him. Arguing with him made me want him even more. For some reason, I find passionate anger attractive. What is wrong with me, I will never know. According to society, loving boys is a problem, but now I am attracted to the weirdest things. I swear I am from another planet.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
Apparently, we had stopped arguing, and I was just staring at him. I guess my face looked interesting for him to comment on it.
“For god’s sakes Tommy.” I put my head in my hands, rubbing my temples. I had a headache from all of this. “Let’s just go.” He put his hand on mine, as much as I loved that, his intentions were different. His grip was intense, almost cutting off my circulation.
“Adam, tell me what is going on. We are not going anywhere until you let me know why the hell you kiss me and most of all starting arguments.” His dark eyes stared into me, as if trying to read my thoughts.
“First of all, stop trying to be psychic and read my thoughts, because honey, you are not a Clair voyant.” His grip lessened in power. “Second, I can’t. I just can’t Tommy.”
He turned away from me.
“Stop saying my name.” He pursed his lips.
“Well then, what the hell am I supposed to call you?” I was getting angry again. He was basically having a hissy fit. We have been sitting in the damn parking lot for a half hour, just bickering with each other over our faults. I should just come out and say it. I was going to wait until Tommy was drunk so he’d forget, but it seems that the way things are going, it’s the only thing that will put Tommy at ease…he needs to know the truth.
Tommy rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to look at you anymore. I can’t fucking stand you right now.” He pouted, his lips looked dry, his eyes tired. He started to reach for the door. Without thinking, I quickly locked the car. He paused, and looked at me, fire in his eyes.
“Adam, open the door.” He said, quietly.
“No,” I said, defiant. I wasn’t going to let him get away. Tommy tried to fiddle with the lock. The thing is, with these fancy cars, when the door is locked, it is locked. There is no other way of getting out, without the key of course.
Tommy was silent for a couple of minutes. After the fact, he looked at me, his eyes sad, but still angry.
“Adam.” He said more powerfully, “Open. The fucking. Door.”
“No,” I repeated. I put the key in the ignition, started the car, and drove. Tommy resisted only a little, sat back in the seat, and frowned. He was not happy with me. But I had to do something. After a few minutes driving down the road, Tommy turned to me.
“Why are you doing this? I told you to let me out. It’s like you’re kidnapping me, or some shit.” He chuckled a little. This was the kind of dark humor he liked. I knew that. As angry as Tommy is with me at the moment, he can’t help but laugh at his own dark jokes. I sighed. I had to get right to the point.
“I have something to tell you.” Tommy’s face froze. His whole body seemed to be rigid. I could feel the air getting thinner.
“What is it.” He was breathing heavily.
“Don’t worry, I’m not going to kill you.” It was my turn for a dark joke. Tommy did not even make a noise.
I pulled into a vacant parking lot, put the car into park, and looked Tommy in the eyes. His face was a blend of dark light and street lamp, which outlined his beautiful features. My fear of rejection was starting to eat my insides. My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.
“Tommy….” I took his hands. He was apprehensive at first, but let me touch his cold flesh. He was shaking. He usually puts on such a tough façade. This was scaring the crap out of him, and I haven’t even said anything.
“I….” I paused for a second, took a deep breath, and continued, “…love you.” Silence. All that could be heard was the moderate breeze outside, rattling the car windows. Ratta tat tat of the trees hitting against each other.
It took Tommy a few minutes to form words. His lips kept moving, no noise emitting from them. He yanked his hands away from mine, and moved as far away from me as possible.
“You….you…” He was pointing at me, fear in his eyes. I was shocked by this reaction. My heart was breaking. “Tommy, it’s okay.”
“NO! IT’S NOT FUCKING OKAY. You….you…love me? Adam, I’m not a flamer like you! I’m straight!” He tried valiantly to get out of the car, “LET ME OUT!” He hit the window, kicked the door with his boots, and scratched the door handle. “Adam, you freak! You love me?! I can’t fucking deal with this!!”
My eyes widened at this reaction. This was the last thing that I was expecting. Tommy was getting violent.
“Tommy, if you are straight, you are the gayest straight man I have ever fucking met!”
Tommy stopped what he was doing. He stared into space for a moment. All I could see was his shoulders, rising and falling. He turned to me. I could make out a glimmer on his cheek. He was crying.
“Adam, I’m so scared. So, so scared.” He was shaking violently. I reached my hand over to him, offering comfort. He slapped it away, but then extended his arm and touched my face, still looking away from me. He started to lightly trace my cheek, using his thumb to make small circles. It’s like he was trying to figure out if I was real or not. He went from my chin to my cheek, over to my nose, down to my lips, and traced the outlines of my eyes. He then stopped and cupped his hand around my cheek, as he was still facing away from me, silently crying with his eyes closed. This moment was entrancing, and extremely depressing. I reached out again and touched his shoulder. He quivered at my touch, but as apprehensive as he was, he wanted me to touch him. I leaned a bit closer, still respecting his boundaries, and whispered, “Tommy, I’m real. I’m real, and I love you with all of my heart.” It was like there was no oxygen left. His silent tears became audible sobs. He opened his eyes and looked at me, like a frightened little animal, his lip quivering. Tommy took his hand again and raised it up. I figured out what he was doing. I raised my hand up too, and grasped it, interlocking our fingers together. His hand was smaller than mine, and colder. I feel like I could hear his heart beat.
“Adam, you are real.” He said, finally, through the last tears he had left.
“Yes, I am.” I could only say that. I had barely any words.
“We are so…fucking cheesy.” He laughed a little through his tears. I smiled at him. He smiled back, a crooked smile, but a smile nonetheless.
“Tommy, there is nothing to be afraid of. You love who you love. And that is all that matters.” His smile subsided, and anxiety began to creep into his face.
“Adam, I’m not ready to admit this. But, you admitted this to me, and I don’t know how to properly function. I’m not entirely straight, but I’m not gay.” I raised my eyebrow.
“So you’re bi?”
He nodded. “I think that’s the right word for it.”
“It is.” I look at him tenderly. “But you know what? It shouldn’t really matter about our orientation.” He looked at me, confused.
“I thought that it was a big deal. You had to have a label, or some crap.” He crossed his arms, pouting again.
“Love knows no gender,” I said, my eyes sparkling. I was giving him a love speech, basically. I give way too many of those, but he needed to hear it again, face to face.
“You can love someone for who they are, you know. It shouldn’t matter what package they have, it should matter what they have in their heart and brain.” I paused. “The thing is, I say that I am gay, but you know, I really just love. But my preferences go more towards men. It’s who I am sexually attracted to.” Why was I giving him a lesson on this? What the hell am I doing? “I should just shut up.” I sat back in my seat and sighed.
Tommy looked at me. He started to move closer to me. I didn’t know what to do. He put his head on my chest. “You’re really warm,” He said. Tommy put one of his hands on my chest, and one by his side, and just sat there, with his head nuzzled in my chest, like he was a child. “So I’ve been told,” I retorted softly. I put my hand on his back, and started to rub it slowly, hugging him tighter and tighter. I rested my chin on the top of his blonde hair, breathing slowly, watching as little strands moved with my breath. I shifted my head towards his ear and whispered,
“I’m sorry.”
Silence ensued. I could hear Tommy’s breathing become lighter. He fell asleep on my chest. He started to snore softly, and I laughed silently to myself. He is so damn cute. I planned on taking him home, and showing him a good time, but you know, this is just as nice.