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Tony hadn’t slept in four days.
No one needed to ask why.
Had everything gone the way it was supposed to, today would have been Peter Parker’s eighteenth birthday. It had been a year and three months since they had defeated Thanos, and they should have been celebrating Peter going off to college, taking him out to his favorite restaurants, going on vacation. They should have been buying him presents and making a giant birthday cake. He should have been blowing raspberry kisses against Peter’s cheeks just to see how flustered he got. He should have been introducing Peter to his new little brother, Parker, and the kid was supposed to make jabs at the nam
Instead, Tony was cooped up in his lab, trying his hardest to block out any recollection of Peter Parker ever existing at all.
It wasn’t working.
He was everywhere in lab. Hammy, who was currently de-activated and sitting at Tony's feet, was a constant reminder of his kid's kindness and overflowing heart. And even after a year, nothing about Peter’s things in the lab had changed. His webshooters, which he had been working on six years prior, had not been touched. His designs for the newest (not new now. Years old now.) Iron Man suit were spread out across his table. His many-colored sticky notes were somehow still stuck to the desk, carrying notes and reminders of every variety. The tiny robot that he and Tony had created together at one of his school’s tech conventions that looked so similar to Hammy sat on the corner, slumped against a stack of books on nanotechnology. Even Tony’s playlist still had songs that Peter had put on it, and Tony didn’t have the heart to take them off.
Pictures of Peter were all around, not just on his desk. Last October, when Pepper had finally had enough of Tony bottling up all his emotions about the loss of his boy, she had gotten together as many pictures as possible of him and framed them to put all over the compound and the Starks’s cabin. There was one from before Tony had ever met Peter, nose covered in chocolate ice-cream, that was directly behind Dummy. One was of Peter wearing a plastic Iron Man mask titled Stark Expo 2010, put on one of Tony’s three tables. Another was one that Rhodey had taken of the two of them in the lab, both covered in motor oil and sporting wide grins after staying up for forty-eight hours and working on an old car.
His smile was all over the place, wide, gentle, soft, kind, warm, laughing.
Parker had his smile. Even at five months, Tony knew that he had Peter’s smile.
F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice came to live. “Boss, Captain Rogers is trying to call you. Should I put him through?”
“Hnnn.” Tony hummed noncommittedly.
“Tony, Rhodey tells me you haven’t come out of your lab in a week.” Steve had put on his calming tone. The mechanic’s irritations sizzled to life. He was not in the mood to be coddled by Sphmaptain Smamerica. Not today.
“He’s being ridiculous. I’ve only been in here since…” he trailed off, not really sure when exactly he had started to hibernate in here.
“Wednesday, Boss.”
“Thanks, F.R.I.” Tony’s lips tilted upwards. “Wednesday, Rogers. That’s four days. No biggie.”
“Tony, it’s not healthy for you to-,”
“Yeah, yeah,” he waved his hand as if dismissing the man. “You are not the first to try and have this conversation with me and you won’t be the last.”
Steve sighed over the phone. “Then at least think of Pepper. Think of Morgan and Parker, Tony. They need their dad.”
“Dad…”
Tony swallowed, telling himself that the tears at the corners of his eyes were from aggravation. “I think my kids are just fine on their trip to Malibu, Cap. They’re with Pepper and May. They probably aren’t even thinking about me.”
He had urged May to go out of town. He wanted her to get away for a little while. Pepper was there to catch her when she finally broke. They had gotten inseparably close since Peter had died the first time. If Tony couldn’t be there to help her grieving her nephew (her son. Peter was her son as much as he was Tony’s.), then his wife would be.
“Why didn’t you go with them?” It was so annoying how calm Steve’s voice was. It was the soldier in him. He had comforted so many people who had lost loved ones. Hell, he had lived with his own losses for years.
He knew it never got easier.
“I’m busy.”
“You’re hiding.”
Tony blew out a breath. “From what, oh great Captain Rogers?”
“The pain,” Steve muttered.
White hot anger surged through him and the tears returned. “What are you talking about, Rogers?”
“It’s August tenth, Tony. I know what today is. You know what today is. You’re holding yourself away in the lab because you’re hurting, and that’s okay, Tony. It’s okay to miss Peter-,”
“Don’t.” Tony snarled, hands tightening around the wrench in his hand. He probably would have thrown in at the super-soldier if he’d been there. “Don’t start, Steve.”
“He would want you to live, Tony.” Apparently, Cap had gone deaf because he completely ignored Tony’s simmering tone. “You can’t just stop living, Tony.”
“Sixth: don’t stop living, Mr. Stark.”
“End call, F.R.I.D.A.Y.” Tony spat. “Now.”
“Tony, I-
“Call ended.” The music in the lab resumed, and Tony tried to ignore his shaking hands.
“Boss, it seems that you are starting to exhibit signs of-,”
“Stop, F.R.I. Mute. Just – just shut up.” The AI followed the order and went silent. The only sounds were the “Lab Days” playlist and Tony’s heavy breathing.
“Fuck.” He moaned, the first sob of the day tumbling out of his mouth like a hot coal. “Fuck, Peter, I can’t-,”
He hadn’t said the boy’s name since May had mentioned this dreaded day seven days ago. He had been avoiding addressing the weight that had settled over his heart like Thor’s hammer, dragging him down until he felt that he couldn’t breathe.
“Why won’t it go away, Peter? Why won’t you leave me alone?”
“Remember me for the bright-eyed, annoying little shit that could never stop being a pain in your ass.”
Tony was suddenly overcome with a boiling rage. “Why won’t you leave me alone, Parker? You keep staying here, in this fucking lab and compound and – and everywhere I go! You – you leave your shit everywhere I look, and you don’t clean up after yourself and I keep finding your stupid socks everywhere and you’ve been dead for a FUCKING YEAR!”
He was shaking all over, the tears on his cheeks hot and burning and a wonderful reminder that he was not okay. That nothing was okay. That somehow, this one year had been worse than the five before that because there was no tiny bit of hope. Peter was never coming back.
“You left me, Peter! You left me here again and I have to keep living without you!” Where was this coming from? Was this the anger stage of grief that he totally skipped over? “YOU HEAR ME? YOU LEFT! I HATE YOU!”
He launched the wrench across the room with a scream of fury.
It hit the robot sitting on Peter’s desk, shattering the little device into pieces.
Tony sobbed in shock and pain. He threw himself across the room and scrambled to pick up the broken pieces of his and Peter’s little robot. “No, no, I’m sorry. No, please, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
The robot’s dark eyes stared back at him. Tony picked up the decapitated head and sobbed, shaking his head as he brought the little device up to his face. “No. No, Peter, kid, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it.” He looked around the lab, towards the ceiling, as if Peter’s ghost was listening. “God, fuck, Peter, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any of that. It wasn’t your fault and I don’t hate you.”
He trembled as he glanced around the lab wildly. “Baby-,” he choked at the endearment, something he never called Parker because it hurt just a little too much. His heart moaned and Tony’s lips responded similarly as he set the robot’s head back on Peter’s desk, gripping the edges to keep from crumbling to the floor.
“Peter.”
The music above kept on, but the voice he longed to hear was nowhere to be found.
“Peter,” Tony whimpered. “Peter.”
“Don't miss me too much.”
He sobbed, tears streaming down his face. “I miss you so much, kid.”
That was the truth of it, he supposed. There was the thing that Tony had been hiding from.
“Damn it, why did Steve have to be right?” Tony sobbed, but there was a smile there too. “Fuck, Peter, I love you so much kiddo. I miss you so much that it’s a physical thing. And I thought that I could do it again – that I could lose you again and still make it work but it’s so much harder this time, Pete. Last time I ran away to a cabin the woods, married the girl of my dreams, and had a daughter. I had distractions, but I’m back here. I’m back in the Compound and I’m not an Avenger anymore but I’m still Tony Stark. I’m still living, Pete, but it hurts so much sometimes that I could just explode.”
Man, he was rambling just like the kid. Is that why Peter talked all the time? Was he hurting all the time too, from all the loss and pain he had lived with since he was so small? Did he talk to be louder than the voices and the memories that tore at his heart?
“Damn, you were so strong, kiddie.” He ran a hand over his face. He looked over the desk that he had left untouched for so long. With shaking hands, he finally picked up a paper. Across the top was scrawled AP Calculus Notes. Peter’s surprisingly need handwriting covered the page. Doodles decorated the margins, none too few the Iron Man suit. Tony was seized with a wave of fondness for his kid and picked up another paper. This one was more designs for his suit. Tony smiled. Attached to the back was a sticky note.
Ideas for Mr. Stark’s Father’s Day gift:
- Ask Mr. Rhodes about scrapbook (too cheesy???)
- Not a dog, Peter. You know that a dog running around the Compound would be HELL
- Get MJ to do some cool artwork. Or maybe that graffiti kid Miles that lives down the street…
-
Moneyyou’re an idiot, Parker. Wow. - IronDad t-shirt from Redbubble. Super cool. Definitely an option.
Tony chuckled wetly as he traced the words on the pink paper. How did he ever end up with such a good kid?
The next three hours were spent going through Peter’s desk. He alternated between crying, laughing, and a comfortable mix of both. He found inventions that no normal teenager could even fathom, inside jokes with Tony that he wanted to remember, homework and notes for school, and various superhero things: designs, ideas, crimes that he hadn’t solved yet but he’d get there. It was adorable and heartbreaking and wonderful all at once.
“Oh, kiddo, I’m so proud of you.” Tony wiped his eyes. His fingers trembled only slightly as he took the broken pieces of the robot. Written across his back in silver sharper was DLB. Tony scoffed at himself. Oh, how could he be so stupid? This was Dummy’s Little Brother. How could Tony forget?
How was it that Peter could make Tony so damn happy after all this time?
“Man, kid, you’re still impressing me.” The hero carefully transported the robot to his lab table and fixed him up in fifteen minutes. “Hey, F.R.I.?”
“Yes, Boss?”
“Turn the music up a little bit, won’t you?” he placed the final arm back in place. The dark eyes buzzed to life. DLB tilted its head. Tony was sure that if it could smile, it would.
“Of course. Would you like to skip this one, sir?”
Tony looked up, glancing at his Spotify. “Why?”
“You usually skip “A Conversation” by Ben Wishaw from Mary Poppins Returns, boss.”
“If Mary Poppins Returns comes out after I’m gone, watch for me, won’t you?”
Tony swallowed the emotions crawling up his throat. “No… no, play it.”
It was a quiet song, and it was sad. It reminded him of Peter a little too much, and he had a habit of making F.R.I.D.A.Y. skip it. But he wanted to listen to it.
Peter would have liked this song.
Tony picked up the robot and walked out of the lab after the final notes of the song. He made his way through the empty compound, the sweet tune escaping his lips in a soft hum. As he strolled into the grounds and towards the memorial place that they had set up for the young hero, words tumbled out of his mouth to the music.
“We haven't spoken in so long, kid
This year has gone by in a blur.
Sometimes I feel everything’s gone wrong, kid.
I often miss the way things were
I know you'd laugh and call me tragic
For everything's in disarray
These rooms were always full of magic
That's dulled since you went away
This place is crowded now with questions
And Parker’s a crawling questionnaire
And I could surely use your laughter
When I try to braid daughter's hair
When I always needed explanations
You always knew just what to say
And I miss our heartfelt conversations
The lab is silent since you went away.”
Tony smiled sadly. The sun was falling behind the lake, the reflection sparkling and golden. Peter loved watching the sunset from here.
“Springtime has gone
Summer is in its place
I often sense your smile, kid
But your laughter is hard to trace
I'll carry on the way you told me
I say that like I have a choice
And though you are not here for me to hold
In the echoes, I can hear your voice
But still one question fills my day, Pete
My wish I hope comes true
Each moment since you went away, Pete
My question, kid, is-?”
Tony stopped before the little mound. It was perfectly placed, in his opinion. It was always the first thing that the sun hit in the morning and the last thing it bid farewell too as it sunk below the horizon. Whenever Peter needed to get out of the Compound, he and Tony would come up here with a blanket and just talk.
“How are you?”
There was a little plaque on the ground. Tony cleaned it once a week, when he too needed to escape. He sighed heavily, turning the robot over in his hands. “It’s August tenth, Pete. Eighteen is a big deal, you know. College and all that…”
The breeze made the leaves sing. Tony swallowed. “I um, I named my son after you. He’s Parker James, you know, for Rhodey. He could be your kid, for how much he looks and acts like you. Not that that would make any sense…”
Was silence normally so heavy? “May got a dog. It’s a therapy dog. I should probably get one myself, shouldn’t I? or do children count?”
He could almost hear Peter laughing.
“She’s doing good, Peter. She misses you a lot, but she’s probably doing better than me. Geez, kiddo. I miss you so much.” Tony wondered if his eyes were tired of crying. Apparently not, since they started right back up again. Screw you, eyes. “But, you know what, Pete? I’m good too.”
And he was. Today was a bad day. But Tony had so fucking many good ones.
“I’m so good, baby.” he laughed, wiping his cheek. “I’ve got Morgan and Parker and Pepper and Rhodey. Steve and I are doing better too, and Bucky isn’t bad at all. The Avengers are still being heroes, but I… I couldn’t putt he suit back on after what happened. It didn’t seem right. I didn’t want to be a hero if you couldn’t be one.”
"You’re always a hero, Mr. Stark.”
Peter’s voice was so clear that Tony believed that if he turned around, he might have seen him.
“You were my hero, Pete.” He breathed. “And don’t you worry, I’m remembering you for your life. Pepper put pictures of you all over our lab. I hope you and Natasha are doing well. She’s probably adopted you or something. Spider cult up in heaven, right?”
He laughed. “I love you, Peter. I’m sorry I didn’t say that to you when you were here, but I hope that you can here me. I hope, wherever you are, that you are happy. I hope you found your uncle Ben, and your mom and dad. I hope they’re holding you tight and listening to you talk for hours. God knows I’d trade places with them in a heartbeat if that’s the case.”
Tony was getting soft. A decade ago he never would have admitted any of this to anyone, even to a piece of metal.
“I’m so blessed to have had you for as long as I did, Peter. Sometimes it feels like I didn’t have you for long at all, but there are so many people who never met Peter Parker, and I can’t imagine how awful that would be.” He sniffed, biting the inside of his mouth to keep from crying. “I still have days when I blame myself, kiddo, but I’m working on it. And I’ve seen Mary Poppins Returns a lot. You’d really like it. Ned and MJ are both fine. Ned’s going to go into engineering, if you can believe it. I think MJ’s pursuing journaling. They miss you too, but they know that you did the right thing, and even though it hurts, they’re proud of you. So am I.”
He cleared his throat, wiping away another tear. “I think I might just have to come out here and talk to you more, Pete. It’s nice. Quiet. Just like we used to love, yeah?”
The quiet answered, and Tony found that it wasn’t as lonely as he thought it would be.
“Love you three thousand, kid. Happy Birthday.”
Tony placed the robot next to the plaque. His phone rang as he turned to walk back to the Compound. He dished it out and accepted the call without looking at the number. “Hello? Oh, hey Pep. Yes, yes, I’m okay. I was just…”
He looked back over his shoulder.
“I was just telling Peter happy birthday.”
That night Tony Stark went to bed and dreamt of his son swinging between skyscrapers.
Outside, the starry light of the heavens glinted off the plaque in the yard.
Peter Benjamin Parker.
August 10th, 2001 + April 26th, 2023
Beloved Son, Friend, and Hero
“The ones we love never truly leave us.”