Work Text:
221b Baker Street
LONDON NW1 6XE
4th June, 2019
Director of Content
BBC Broadcasting House
Portland Place
LONDON W1A 1AA
Dear Pathetic Simpleton,
I write to refer to the myriad erratum I beheld whilst observing the aberration, ‘KOPZ: innit?’ on BBC2 Thursday last. Your miscalculation in authorising the commission of this vile abomination exceeds even my most patient comprehension.
I unwillingly beheld this stain on publicly funded “entertainment” whilst held captive by Algerian Separatists. Compelled, through the unfortunate placement of the chair to which I was tied, to observe this farcical monstrosity, I attempted to sink into a state of meditation via the practice of Tibetan throat chanting, in order to escape the outrage that was the drivel that was, ‘KOPZ: innit?’
Not three seconds had passed after the credits (an enormous misnomer, if ever there was one, as absolutely no one involved with this abomination deserves any ‘credit’ whatsoever!) before it was patently clear this vile form of ‘entertainment’ had zero grounding in true and actual methods of crime-solving and deduction.
Where do I begin? Such an embarrassment of riches for me to plunder. Might I begin with your title? Appalling spelling, and a cringeworthy, pubescent attempt at urban grammar. How middle class.
Shall I move on to the cast? I use the word, ‘cast’, as it is abundantly manifest to even the most elementary of minds, that the police persons acting out the farcical parody on screen were two long-term out-of-work actors and an appalling stage actor (specialising of late, in pantomime – shudder!) attempting to portray themselves as hardened, street-wise (grimace) ‘Kopz’. I will not go into my methods in detail, but hairlines, skin-tone, gait, posture, shoe-sole wear, bounce, thrust and length of sideburns – not to mention the complete and utter lack of digital calluses of any nature – all suggest an overwhelming overestimation in the discernment of your writers, director and producers, at a level which I can only put, ironically, at, ‘criminal’.
Due to the protracted nature of the transgressions I beheld, I am forced to continue in point form:
• High-speed chases through council estates can not proceed at speeds ignorantly portrayed by your ‘hotted-up’ Pandas. I congratulate you on correctly using a Ford Mondeo however, the torque required to perform the two-wheeled manoeuvre your stuntman pulled around that speed hump could only have been achieved by replacing the 2G with a Q-jet, and a major cam and cylinder head upgrade. Patently manifest.
• Micro-expressions, body tension and general heightened facial skin tone expose a deserved mortification by the actors at your puerile script. You can not have a RADA-trained, middle-aged stage actor convincingly exclaim, “You is bein’ nicked by da Babylon, son”.
• Human bodies can not reverse at speeds depicted by the ‘woman with pram’. The unsubtle acceleration of film is so discernible it’s disturbing.
• The ‘youths’ you hired to prominently hang around in the background of the estate like louche layabouts, were clearly making a mockery of your program by the hand gestures and hip thrusting you so obviously missed in your maladroit editing. Besides which, no self-respecting youth would be just hanging about at 4.20pm, the time which your panda’s dash clock was set to display. In my experience, youths are usually otherwise occupied at 4.20.
• The lipstick your ‘junky’ was wearing was Lancôme L’Absolu Rouge 191, a shade patently unsuited to her skin tone, not to mention a brand out of the reach of a genuine junky. Even if it had been purloined, it would have been fenced for a hit, never kept for a police interview!
• Some idiot set-up the kidnapping scene using a Prusik knot to restrain the victim. Any basic criminal would have used a simple handcuff knot. Google it.
• The sexual position you had the couple performing when the police busted in was an utter farce. It was transparent from the slight wince, the favouring of the left hip and the friction marks on the male actor that this is never a position he would willingly perform. To give verisimilitude to the scene, a simple reverse cowgirl would have been much more credible.
I could go on. And on. But I will stop myself here, as continuing to bring to mind that horrifying night may well negate any positive results gained from the thoroughly invigorating capture, internment and subsequent escape from the Algerians I experienced that evening. Might I say that the singular area in which this police drama excels, is in providing a superfluity of mistakes, misconceptions, miscalculations, misnomers, mismanagement, misapplication, misdirection, misery, misogyny and misjudgement that you have made, simply by airing it.
Your disdainful attempt at “Reality Television” should be removed from air immediately forthwith, and the disgusting smear it leaves on the minds of its unfortunate viewers should be wiped via mind control. I am only too willing to supply any necessary funding required to make this possible.
KOPZ:innit?
KOPZ:BIN IT!
Sherlock Holmes.