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On Friday afternoon, Todomatsu doesn’t come home.
Ichimatsu gets home around half three from high school alongside Jyushimatsu, and normally Todomatsu is back from middle school by that time. Except, today, his bag isn’t in the front room and his shoes aren’t by the door. Jyushimatsu mentions it briefly for a second, just in that moment when they’re still in the doorway, and then Ichimatsu forgets about it for a while. There are lots of places he might be. Helping out after school, with friends, at some club he suddenly joined and didn’t tell them about…Todomatsu does a lot things in secret, not telling anyone about major changes in his life. It’s annoying, but it’s just a habit he seems to have picked up from somewhere along the way. Ichimatsu thinks Karamatsu is to blame, probably.
He remembers Todomatsu’s unexplained disappearance again later that evening, when Karamatsu gets back from work and glances into the room, still in that stupid suit that actually is normal but still somehow manages to look weird on him. Maybe it’s too normal, Ichimatsu thinks dully. Ruined by Karamatsu’s natural aura.
“Where’s Todomatsu?” he asks, and Ichimatsu just shrugs from his place at the table.
“We dunno!” Jyushimatsu replies, head snapping up from his manga. Probably one of Osomatsu’s.
“He isn’t home?” Karamatsu frowns. “Ah…maybe he’s simply a little delayed…perhaps with friends?”
“Maybe,” Ichimatsu mutters. It’s annoying hearing him sound so concerned, the same way he does when talking about any of them. “Just because you didn’t have any friends in middle school, doesn’t mean Todomatsu doesn’t.”
It’s probably rich coming from him considering Ichimatsu didn’t really have friends either, but Karamatsu just gives a flicker of a disapproving face, then leaves for the kitchen. Ichimatsu glances back to his game, relieved to be free from Karamatsu, but a part of him starts to wonder about it too. Is Todomatsu really just out with friends? It’s not like it’s something he wouldn’t do, going out and being popular without warning them he’d be back later, but then again, it’s already kind of late now. School ended over two hours ago. Do middle schoolers normally stay out that late?
“I hope Totty comes back soon!” Jyushimatsu says a few seconds later, and Ichimatsu knows he’s probably thinking the same thing as him.
“He’s fine. He isn’t stupid or anything.”
“Mm, yeah,” Jyushimatsu agrees thoughtfully, then leans back, dropping his manga on the floor. “But Totty is a lot younger, so we have to protect him!”
“He’s twelve, that’s hardly a baby,” Ichimatsu mutters, staring back at his game hard, trying to focus on the text. It’s one Choromatsu recommended to him, nervously giving him the title and saying he might maybe enjoy it just a little maybe, since it’s easy and has a lot of animals. It is cute, definitely, but right now Ichimatsu is finding it hard to pay much attention.
“Totty is always the baby!” Jyushimatsu says, grinning, and Ichimatsu doesn’t say anything else. He was only five when Todomatsu was born, but even still, it has kind of always felt like they treated him different to the others. He was the last baby after all, and maybe they just never stopped seeing him that way.
But even still, he’s pretty sure Todomatsu is okay. He’ll probably be home soon, and they’ll all feel stupid for ever worrying. It’s Friday. He’s probably just out having a good time.
-
At half past eight, everyone except Todomatsu is home, and the concern in the house has grown considerably.
Ichimatsu stands quietly in the kitchen with Jyushimatsu next to him, listening to a mix of plates being washed up alongside panicked conversation.
“We should phone the police, right??” Choromatsu asks, nervously wringing his hands together. “Something bad might’ve happened-“
“Choromatsu, relax,” Osomatsu says, looking bored as he carries on washing the plates, putting them on the side with the suds still on. “Don’t you have to wait like, a day before you phone the police? You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
“Do you not understand how serious this is?? It’s been over four hours and Todomatsu isn’t home, we have no idea where he is, and now you’re just acting like you don’t care?”
“C’mon, you know what he’s like.”
“But, it is starting to get dark…” Karamatsu points out, frowning at the window. “And you know how our dear brother is with the dark. Choromatsu might be right, maybe we should ring someone.”
“I mean sure, you guys can phone the police if you want, but you’re gonna have to deal with a severely pissed off Todomatsu once it turns out he was totally fine,” Osomatsu says, then pulls a face at the bowl he’s cleaning. “What the hell, why won’t this come off…”
“Let’s- wait just a little longer,” Karamatsu says, shifting a little. Ichimatsu almost smirks. Even though he’s over ten years older, he’s still apparently scared of Todomatsu’s potential tantrums. “After all, we don’t want to upset our dear baby brother-“
“Unless he’s already in trouble! What if he’s been kidnapped? Or hurt-“
“He does have a phone, you know,” Osomatsu says, rolling his eyes. “And I’m pretty sure he carries the charger around with him.”
“You don’t think I’ve tried that?? It’s turned off, idiot-“
Ichimatsu glances towards Jyushimatsu, wondering if his brother is thinking the same thing. Their older brothers are all- well, they’re okay at being older brothers for the most part (even Karamatsu, if he has to admit it), but functioning together, they’re kind of useless. It’s likely they’re just going to stand around for the rest of the night bickering, and not taking any action until Osomatsu says to. And Ichimatsu doesn’t know when that will be, so he changes his attention to his younger brother instead, who grins at him. They probably do have the same idea then. Good.
Ichimatsu nods silently, then slinks towards the door with Jyushimatsu beside him, hoping Karamatsu doesn’t catch them. He’s always too quick to notice things. It’s annoying. Even if Ichimatsu walks as quietly as he can, half the time Karamatsu catches him anyway. But tonight, it seems like he’s too distracted to care, and they slip away out the front door unnoticed.
If Todomatsu isn’t going to come back, they’ll just have to find him and make him come back.
-
-
Today is the worst.
Todomatsu leans back against the pavement, one hand covering his face and the other clenched tightly by his side, throbbing in pain. He knows he should probably get up, but everyone else has already gone home, and it’s not like he’s going to get in the way of anyone led on the floor behind one of the school buildings. Even the teachers have probably gone home by now, and if they haven’t it isn’t like they’d care.
…This really is the worst.
He listens to the distant noise of cars and the occasional voice, and wonders exactly where he’s supposed to go from here. Is there anywhere to from this point? It’s kind of…already over. Like, things couldn’t really get any worse than they are right now, when he thinks about it. And he’s thought about it a lot. Testing the ideas in his mind, trying to think about what went right, the things that aren’t completely lost and the things he has left. And really, there isn’t anything. This is the peak. It’s been building up towards this for a while, Todomatsu knew that, but now that it’s here it feels a lot worse than he could’ve imagined it would.
Right now, he has no friends. If he even did to start with. The entire school hates him, including the teachers. And it's at least the weekend, so he could just go home instead and be safe there, except because of today he probably doesn’t have a family either.
They’re sending a letter home.
What else is there to do? Once it gets there, his brothers aren’t going to want him anymore. He’ll probably get kicked out- maybe even beaten up by them too? Well, they haven’t done anything like that before, but…Todomatsu doesn’t know anymore. Everyone hates him. There’s no reason as to why that wouldn’t include his family too.
So- that means he’s totally free, in a way. Things have gotten so bad that he’s not sure he can even be upset anymore. It’s just over. There’s no point crying anymore. No point regretting it. It happened, it was awful, and now it’s over. His life is finished and so is he. So??
Todomatsu takes a breath and pulls his hand away from this face, squinting at the bright sky above him. Being like this- it’s kind of pathetic, isn’t it? Maybe Choromatsu might do something like just lie there uselessly after getting beaten up, but Todomatsu is different. If this is the way things are now, then he guesses he just has to accept it. And he can’t go home, so he’s going to have to run away. Live alone. That’s not difficult. He isn’t an idiot, he can handle that much.
It’s time to get off from the ground. He stands up and looks around, collecting his stray bag from where it had been tossed to. Almost out of instinct, he takes his phone out and checks the front screen. It’s almost four. He has a lot of texts from a lot of people, and even a missed call. Todomatsu stares for a second, and then firmly holds down the off button, swiping the screen into darkness.
He needs to make a plan. Figure out a way to deal with this new direction his life is taking. The most important thing for now is getting away from the school, and anything to do with it. Todomatsu pats his hair down a little, straightens his shirt, and sets off out the school grounds.
-
He settles on a park. Just for tonight, at least. Whilst he’s still figuring out all the important stuff, he can just stay here, since it’s nearby and he already knows it and they have public toilets, which should be useful in the morning. And it should be safe, shouldn’t it? Because little kids come to parks, and they have adults with them, and also Todomatsu is pretty sure parks aren’t usually haunted by ghosts. At least, he’s never heard about anything like that.
He- admittedly doesn’t have a lot of money on him, but he’s sure he can find a way to get some more tomorrow. It just means not eating for tonight, but that probably won’t be too bad. With everything going on, he isn’t sure he’s that hungry anyway.
So! It’s all sorted. Todomatsu sits on the bench with his bag next to him, trying to think of only the future. A part of him feels a little sad to be leaving everything behind, but- it isn’t really like he has a choice. In a way, he chose to do this. The reason everyone hates him and the reason he can’t go back home – it’s all because of his own actions. So there isn’t really any point feeling sad about it. Tomorrow, he’ll wake up and get going properly, find some money, get a place to stay, maybe look for a new school, and just start a whole new life. It isn’t…the best plan ever, but he’s just working with what he’s got here. Which is- nothing.
If he’s honest, he’s a little bored right now. His phone is still off and he itches to turn it back on, but then that defeats the point of cutting everyone off. Besides, there’s no point in reading those texts. He already knows what they say.
But since he isn’t turning on his phone, he doesn’t have any idea what time it is right now. He’d wasted some time sitting with his head on his knees deep in thought, waving off the stray mothers who asked him if he was okay. (Seriously, he isn’t a little kid, can’t they see that??) They’d since gone home and the park is pretty empty now, just the stray dog-walker coming past every now and again. The sun’s starting to go down and it’s getting a little colder. Well, good. The quicker today ends, the further away all the bad things will be, and tomorrow will be closer with all its promises.
…It is going to be okay tomorrow, isn’t it? Todomatsu shifts a little, glancing at his bag. He still has all his books in there – what’s he supposed to do with them? And the money he’s got…how exactly is he supposed to get more of it? It’s not like he’s old enough to get a job, and he doesn’t know anyone he can borrow from…well, except his brothers…
…
Todomatsu takes a deep breath, looking around a little cautiously. Are there a lot of streetlights around here? He can see some, but how much are they going to light up the area? It might get really dark. And he only knows the type of people who come to the park in the day, not the night. There won’t actually be bad people around here, will there??
…This is starting to feel like less of a good idea.
But- no, no. There isn’t any choice here. He didn’t run away because it seemed like a good idea, he ran away because it was the only choice he had. And just because it’s scary now, doesn’t mean he can go back on it. He just has to stop being so weak! None of the others would be worried about something as stupid as the dark.
Todomatsu reaches back into his bag, cradling his phone in his hands. Maybe it’d be better to just turn it back on, just in case? He doesn’t have to read anything, he can just…use it as a torch. Ring the police or anything, if things go wrong. Not- that they will. He’s fine. Fine, and alone. Really…alone.
Biting his lip, Todomatsu puts his head back on his knees, trying to will the morning to come. Though now he’s not even sure if he wants it to come, if he doesn’t even know what he’s going to do. And he doesn’t. He doesn’t know what to do at all. This isn’t a good plan but he can’t go home and there’s nowhere else he can go-
“Totty!!”
“Eh?” Todomatsu snaps his head up, eyes wide as he sees Jyushimatsu running towards him, Ichimatsu in tow. It doesn’t seem real for a moment, the fact they’re actually there when he’d already started to accept never seeing them again, but now they’re here suddenly things feel a lot better. Even if- even if they shouldn’t be here.
“Ah, we finally found you!! Me and Ichimatsu-niisan went to a lot of places, but you weren’t there!”
“I didn’t think you’d pick somewhere so obvious,” Ichimatsu says, shrugging, and Todomatsu scowls in indignation.
“This isn’t an obvious place, it’s just-“ He stops, drawing back a little. “What are you guys doing here anyway?”
“We came to find you!” Jyushimatsu says, then sits down next to him with a grin. “Since you didn’t come home.”
“Well, you found me,” he mutters lowly. “Now you can go back.”
“You’re coming too,” Ichimatsu says, and Todomatsu narrows his eyes.
“No, I’m not.”
“Why?” Jyushimatsu asks, leaning towards him. Todomatsu grips his phone tighter, looking away.
Is he supposed to tell them? It’s embarrassing to have to say out loud, but they’re going to find out anyway, because of that letter. And they’re probably not going to leave him alone if he doesn’t say it, but…even still…
“Karamatsu-niisan and Choromatsu-niisan are really worried about you,” Jyushimatsu says, and Todomatsu stays quiet. Obviously they’re going to be, until they get the letter. “Osomatsu-niisan was calm before we left, but I bet he’s probably worried too!”
“They’re going to ring the police,” Ichimatsu adds, and Todomatsu stares at him.
“They’re going to ring the police? Just because I’m not going home?”
“Yup.”
“But- I mean, sometimes Osomatsu-niisan doesn’t come home until really late when he’s been to pachinko or whatever, and nobody rings the police on him!”
“Osomatsu-niisan isn’t a kid.”
“Neither am I,” Todomatsu huffs, crossing his arms. They don’t stop staring at him, and stares at his lap and swallows. “…You guys don’t get it anyway. It’s not like I have a choice.”
Jyushimatsu tilts his head a little. “Why?”
“Did you do something illegal?” Ichimatsu asks, now with a little more interest in his voice.
“No.” Todomatsu wants to shoot him a look, but he can’t take his eyes off his lap. This is starting to feel scarier than just sitting in the dark by himself all night. “I- did something at school, and the teachers said it- I mean, they’re sending a letter home, so I can’t go back.”
“So? It’s not like you’re the first of us to get a letter home.”
“Yeah, I got a ton!” Jyushimatsu says, and Todomatsu can tell he’s probably grinning proudly about that. “Osomatsu-niisan said he did too!”
“But, I mean- that stuff was…different.”
“Different how?”
It’s coming back to him now, all that sadness and regret that he thought he’d managed to overcome. Really it seems like it was just waiting, pooled away ready to burst out the next time he thought about it. Why was he pretending that things were going to be okay? Of course they’re not. He can’t escape from this reality and he can’t escape the things he’s done.
He doesn’t want his brothers to be here, but then he doesn’t want to have to be alone. He doesn’t want to run away but he can’t go home. This wouldn’t be a problem if he could just be- if he was different to how he is now.
“What’s wrong?” Jyushimatsu asks him, and Todomatsu presses his eyes shut. It’s so annoying that they seem concerned now, because he knows they shouldn’t be.
“There’s a boy at my school I really like- liked,” Todomatsu says quickly, forcing it all out as his heart beats faster and his face heats up. “I tried to kiss him and someone saw.”
It’s quiet then, and Todomatsu squeezes his eyes shut so he won’t cry, even though it’s getting hard not to. He can almost see his brothers looking at each other, weirded out and judgemental, just like everyone else had been, and he’s so sure that they’re going to leave that he can almost hear them standing up, leaving him alone just like he deserves. This day is bad it’s so bad and he hates himself for causing all of this, for making all of this happen-
“Ah, Totty, don’t cry!!” He hears Jyushimatsu say, and his eyes snap open when he feels his brother hug him. This doesn’t make sense- why would he act like nothing was wrong? Did he not hear?? Was he not listening? “None of us have ever been good at dating stuff! We get rejected all the time!!”
“Mmm, it’s…not a big deal,” Ichimatsu adds, shrugging. “And I mean, there are six of us. Kinda likely someone wouldn’t be into girls.”
“Yeah!! The others won’t mind!”
Todomatsu looks between them and the genuine expressions on their faces, and bursts into tears. It doesn’t make any sense, why they’re being so nice to him when right now he hates himself more than anything. Don’t they see it like he does?? Like all the other people in his school? Why would they- it doesn’t- make sense-
He lets himself cry for a while longer, because Jyushimatsu’s hugs have always been sort of cathartic and comforting, even when he was a little kid. And in a way, he still feels like one right now. He just wants to go home.
“Ready to go back?” Ichimatsu asks when he stops crying and starts sniffing, feeling only a little embarrassed. This isn’t the first time his brothers have seen him cry, after all. When he was younger he used to cry about everything, like if he fell over or one of the others got mad at him or all the times he can’t remember properly. They’re probably used to it.
“Mm, I- wanna go back,” he says, trying to wipe his face on the back of his hand. His eye hurts when he touches it, and he wonders if it’s going to bruise.
“Ah, yay! The others kept some food for you, so you can eat dinner when you back if you want! It was super tasty, ‘cause Choromatsu-niisan didn’t help at all!”
“That’s- good,” Todomatsu says, trying to push away the fears of having to see his older brothers. Ichimatsu said it wouldn’t be bad but- he might just be guessing. It might be different. The way he gets treated by these two sometimes seems very different to how the older three treat him. But, he still has them on his side, doesn’t he? Going home is- an option again. Things might not be that bad.
-
“-maybe you should’ve been looking out for them?? I mean, since you’re the oldest and all-“
“No, Choromatsu, I should’ve been the one watching over our youngest brothers, it’s my fault-“
“It’s everyone’s fault!! Seriously, what are we supposed to do now? Call the police and tell them we have three people under the age of eighteen missing?? We’re going to be the ones get arrested if anyone!”
Ichimatsu pulls a face at the door, gently shutting it again. “Maybe we should go in the back.”
“Mm!” Jyushimatsu nods and pulls Todomatsu along with him. Part of him feels a little bad for making everyone get so worried in the first place, but he’s more scared they’re going to get mad when he actually shows his face again. It hadn’t felt like that long, but he supposes it is pretty dark now, Karamatsu and Choromatsu are always kind of panicky about a lot of stuff.
Thankfully, they opt for the back door instead, and Todomatsu wants to just be able to slip in and go to bed, maybe say he was there the entire time and they’re just idiots, but then Ichimatsu stops in front of him and he realises Osomatsu is stood outside the back door, eyes wide. He stares for a moment, then sighs loudly and slackens his shoulders.
“Aaah, jeez, I knew you were gonna come back fine!” he says, pulling an exasperated face. “You know how much the others are yelling at me right now? Seriously, I knew it was gonna be fine! Tell them all my amazing experience from my twenty two years of dealing with this stuff, and they still won’t believe me. What’s with that?”
Todomatsu is a little relieved that if it had to be anyone, it’s Osomatsu. Probably the last person to make a big deal. And Osomatsu is comforting too. In a way, all of his brothers are. He’s kind of glad now he doesn’t have to run away. Even though his brothers are annoying and weird, Todomatsu thinks he might start to miss them after a while. Maybe.
“So? Where have you been?” Osomatsu asks, sitting down on the step to the back door and grinning at them. “Got any fun stories for your Nii-chan?”
The three of them stay silent for a second, because they didn’t actually make a fake-story in preparation for coming back, but Ichimatsu steps forward, shoulders tense.
“We were just…”
“I was going to run away,” Todomatsu cuts in, forcing himself to say the truth before he can back out of it. “But I changed my mind. S-sorry, Nii-san.”
Osomatsu looks at him for a moment, face blank, but then he grins as usual. “Well, this sounds like a fun story, I bet. Wanna come inside and tell me? Should probably tell the other two you’re back too, just so they stop freaking out.”
Todomatsu looks back at his other brothers, then nods, swallowing. He just has to- tell the truth. It’s gross and not fun and he doesn’t like doing it, but maybe this time he has to. Besides, something tells him his brothers probably won’t mind about everything going on at school. It feels like mostly they’ll just be happy he’s home.
And honestly, Todomatsu is happy he’s home too. He doesn’t need to run away. Things aren’t too good right now, but he knows they definitely won’t get any better if he ends up homeless as well. Right now- home is good.