Archive of Our Own

Dan stepped through Pj's front door, eyes skimming over the decorations thrown up haphazardly in such a way that made him sure it was decorated by his friends. He had missed everyone so much in the months he was gone, and he was unbelievably grateful they threw a party for him. He was worried they might have forgotten, either that he was coming home or that he existed at all.

He was, understandably, the most excited to see Phil.

Phil was the reason he was away, the reason he had a coming home party at all. Their relationship was a little rocky, and Dan often took the liberty of spacing out and distancing himself when they fought, so they both thought it best to take some time apart. This resulted in Dan spending some months with his parents, under the ruse of missing them, and now he was back, ready to patch things up and start again.

Dan's eyes left the decorations and skimmed the faces, the excited smiles matching his own and the sparkling eyes with crinkles around the edges, until they rested on a familiar face, a drop dead gorgeous face, and then quickly flit to the unfamiliar face beside it, the blatant purple marks on Phil's neck, and the intertwined hands at their sides.

The other people in the room yelled in excitement, welcoming him home, as his smile fell and the light in his eyes died and his heart cracked painfully in his chest. Phil, apparently, had a new boyfriend. Phil brought him to his party. And Phil didn't tell him about any of it.

Pj took one look at Dan's face and rushed up to him, shielding him from the room as the party started, from the others who were seemingly oblivious to his state.

"Who's- who's that?" Dan asked, his voice cracking as tears welled in his eyes and he blinked them away. Pj knew who he meant.

"He's uh, Phil's new boyfriend. They've been together for about a week. I'm not sure why Phil brought him, it's a bit of a dick move, but, he's nice. His name is Alexander, Alex for short," Dan stared at his feet for a few moments, clenching his jaw and digging his fingernails into his skin. When Dan looked up again, Pj jumped, startled by the wide grin that now adorned his lips. It was easy to see through if you knew how to look, but it would surely dazzle everyone else in the room. Pj suddenly considered how long Dan had spent mastering this, learning how to hide, putting it into practice, and he was trying not to marvel (and worry) at how Dan could clear his face of emotion faster than Pj could feel it.

Dan ignored Pj's curious eyes and pulled him into a hug, flashing him that blinding smile once again as he pulled back.

"Thank you. For the the party, and the insight. I really appreciate it," Dan kept smiling at him as he moved on, knowing Pj was watching him, doing his best to look as happy as he was supposed to be.

Most people here didn't know about the end of the relationship between Dan and Phil, why Dan was gone, or that Phil and Dan dated at all, so Phil having a boyfriend was nothing scandalous, just surprising, as he hadn't ever really had one before. Dan was willing to play the game, even if it hurt that he couldn't claim Phil as his own anymore.

"Dan!" Cat yelled, waving him over. "Have you met Phil's boyfriend? He's adorable!" Dan shook his head, holding out his hand for Alex to shake. Alex gave Dan a smile and Dan gave him more of a grimace as Cat introduced them. Dan knew his smile was convincing enough for everyone but Phil, but he wasn't looking at Dan anyway. "Alex, this is Dan, Dan, this is Alex."

"Nice to meet you," Dan said, beaming at him while glancing at Phil. One look at Alex's face said he didn't know about Dan and Phil either, so it was just awkward for the two of them. Phil was staring at his hand, interlocked with Alex's, and Dan tried to look anywhere but.

"You too, man, you too. I hear you're Phil's best friend or something," Alex said, grinning at him.

"Or something," Dan laughed, forcing the sound out of his throat even as it threatened to close. After a pause, Dan glanced around the room and said, "I should go say hi to other people, but I'll see you later, okay?" Phil didn't look up as he nodded, and Dan turned around and walked quickly in the other direction, fighting off tears once again as he waved to people he passed and plastered that smile on his features.

The entire night, Phil sat on Alex's lap and fed him cake while Dan internally sulked from across the room and forced himself to engage in conversation and talk about his time away. Dan was uncomfortable with all the eyes on him, and really just wanted to go home, but he was the center of attention.

How could Phil do this? Move on so quickly, and not even tell Dan? They were supposed to be together forever, and all it took was a couple months of Dan's absence for Phil to move on. Did he ever even love him? How exactly did he justify hurting Dan like this? Dan couldn't wrap his head around it, not with so many people around.

Dan was drawn out of his thoughts by the sound of Pj's voice next to him. "Leaving so soon?" he asked Phil and Alex, who were obviously trying to sneak out unnoticed.

"Um, yeah. Alex has to work in the morning, you know, so we gotta go."

Dan did not let his eyes stray to watch Alex's hand squeeze Phil's ass as he talked, he only stared long and hard at Phil's giddy face. Pj didn't say anything more, so they slipped outside, and Dan continued to stare at where Phil's face had just been. He needed to get out of here as soon as possible, but as Pj pointed out, the party had just started, and Dan was the main event. He settled on grilling Pj for more information instead.

"Where does Phil, um- live, now?" Dan asked without turning his head towards Pj.

"With Alex. I helped him move all of his stuff out of your apartment yesterday." Pj answered quietly, not looking at Dan, either.

Dan paused, choking down tears. "His name is on the lease." Pj picked at a thread on the couch and didn't answer for awhile, not once looking in Dan's direction.

"He, um... forged your signature and took it off," Pj said finally, winding the thread around his finger.

"He was that desperate, huh?" Dan laughed bitterly, looking towards the ceiling in a desperate attempt to keep the tears in his eyes. It wasn't working.

"I'm sorry, Dan," Pj consoled, resting his head against Dan's shoulder.

"It's not your fault, Pj." Dan sighed, defeated. "It's not your fucking fault." 

Dan stood outside of Phil's apartment door, double checking the number with the piece of paper Pj gave him. Dan could hear sounds on the other side of the door. He was positive that he didn't want to hear them, but he pressed his ear against the door and listened anyway.

He could hear Phil's infectious laugh, mixed with moaning and slurping and giggling that Dan didn't care to listen to any more of.

He took a step back and knocked on the door, timidly, but hopefully loud enough to be heard.

"I'll get it," Phil said through the door. Dan debated running, but he needed answers. He needed closure.

Phil was straightening his shirt and running a hand through his hair as he pulled the door open, and Dan tried very hard not to notice. The warm look in Phil's face dropped as soon as he saw who was on the other side, replaced by a small neutral smile.

"Oh, Dan," Phil said, leaning against the partially open door. "I didn't expect to see you again so soon."

Dan's eyes stung at the distant way Phil was approaching him, but he dug up the courage to talk to him, regardless.

"Yeah, uh, the party wrapped up early." This was all wrong. This was not how things were supposed to be. Things had never been this awkward between them, and Dan hated to think that it was his fault.

"What can I help you with?" Phil asked, not being subtle in his desire to wrap things up. Dan gave him a look and he stepped out of the apartment and closed the door, leaning against it and crossing his arms.

"What the hell, Phil?" Phil sighed, glancing at the ceiling before looking back to Dan's face.

"Look, you took some time away, I took some time to get to know other people. We're not the only people in the world, you know, and what we had obviously wasn't good enough. I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I just, didn't want to share everything with you, for once."

Dan paused, biting his lip. "I get that, Phil, and I can respect that. But this is, perhaps, something it would have been nice to know. I- I might not have come back." Dan said, his voice breaking. Dan used his thumb to spin the plastic ring on his finger, a gift from Phil once upon a time, intended to signify the permanence of their relationship, their friendship. The thing that gave him the courage to return, that got him through every day alone. 

Phil didn't look at him. "We can still be friends, Dan. In fact, you're still my best friend. That hasn't changed."

Dan huffed a laugh, yanking the ring off his finger and holding it up in Phil's face. "What about this?"

Phil stared at it for a long while, not saying anything. When he finally answered, Dan's heart cracked further. "You can't keep every promise, Dan. It's not my fault."

"I suppose it's mine, then?" Dan spat, staring at Phil's face. Phil didn't answer, shaking his head as he reopened the door and moved to step inside.

"Good night, Dan." 

"Hey, Phil, glad you could make it." Pj opened the door to let Phil in, being obvious in the way his eyes swept the area behind him and came up empty.

"I didn't bring Alex." Phil said, rolling his eyes as he walked into the house.

"Did you bring Dan? I told you to invite him." Pj asked.

"He, um, can't come." Phil muttered, slipping away into the kitchen for a drink.

"Did you even invite him?" Pj demanded, following him into the kitchen and cornering him against the counter.

"No, Pj, I did not." Pj groaned, raking his hand through his hair.

"Why not, Phil?"

"Because I don't want to see him right now!"

"What did he ever do to you, Phil? I know that I don't know all the details of your falling out, but you haven't even acted bothered until he got back. What are you trying to accomplish?" Pj asked, inching closer to Phil's face.

"He completely shut me out, Pj! We would get in a fight and he would disappear for hours, days, both mentally and physically. How am I supposed to keep up with that? And then he just decides to leave? That's not how relationships are supposed to work."

"Him leaving was a decision both of you made, and you know it. You don't get to throw all the blame to him. It's okay if your relationship didn't work out, and it's okay for you to move on, but you can't ignore Dan or the unresolved issues of the past. Did you ever stop to consider why Dan checked out when you fought? You know what he was like before you met, you know how you changed him. It's not fair for you to ignore his needs when it matters the most, just so you can feel like what you did is justified. Moving on without telling him was a horrible thing to do, and I know he didn't do anything severe enough to deserve that." Pj spat.

Phil glared at him, seeing red. "Get out of my way. You don't know shit about what happened between us, what it felt like, so you don't get to stand here and tell me how I should act. You're friends with both of us, so don't go choosing sides."

Footsteps entered the kitchen behind Pj so he stepped to the side, but grabbed Phil's arm as he tried to pass and spoke in his ear. "I'm not choosing sides, Dan has never been good at coping, and you're not being fair. Either tell me what happened so you feel I'm qualified to tell you what to do, or take my advice for what it is and treat Dan right. You can break up with him, but you can't pretend he's not there. You know damn good and well that will break him."

Phil tore his arm from Pj's grip and left the room, turning into the living room as he rubbed his arm. He didn't see why he needed to acknowledge Dan if Dan got to space out when they fought. Phil missed Dan while he was gone, but not enough to resist the temptation of a relationship with someone else. Him and Dan were still friends, so he didn't see the big deal. Dan would get over it, like Phil had. Dan was always a bit too sensitive, and he was tired of monitoring it.

Phil shook his head as he took a beer from Chris's hand and plopped on the couch, joining in on the conversation as if he had been there the whole time, using it as a distraction from the things he didn't want to think about. 

Pj didn't leave the kitchen for a long time, and when he did, he walked straight through the living room and into his bedroom down the hall. Phil knew he was probably going to call Dan, to check on him, and Phil knew that, seeing as Pj exclusively talked on the phone with it on speaker, he could probably listen in.

Pj's phone habits were inconvenient when you were the one on the phone with him, but when he was having a conversation that interested you, it was a blessing.

Phil followed Pj down the hall and sat outside his room, quieting his breath as he heard Pj's phone dialing.

"Hello?" Dan's voice sounded groggy and weighted, as if being drug down by lead.

"Hey, Dan, how are you?"

"I'm well, Pj. I'm doing really well."

Pj paused, likely debating his response.

"You don't have to lie, Dan," Pj said softly.

Dan paused this time, the silence on his end of the phone eating away at Phil's heart.

"I think you can probably guess how I'm doing," Dan finally said, so quiet Phil almost didn't hear him.

"When was the last time you left the house, Dan?" Pj inquired.

"Umm, probably about a month and a half ago, by now," Dan mumbled, knowing Pj was going to yell at him.

"Dan," Pj sighed.

"You don't need to leave the house if you can have your groceries delivered to your front door," Dan pointed out meekly.

"Dan," Pj stressed. "You need sunlight. It's good for you. You need exercise. It's good for you. And, no, pacing around that flat of yours doesn't count. You need interaction, it's good for you. In fact, I'm having a party. You should come."

Phil's heart sunk as he heard Pj extend his invitation, but he knew Dan wouldn't come. Knowing Dan hadn't left the house in so long, and that it was his fault, would surely keep Phil up at night, but he was trying so hard to stop caring about Dan as deeply as he once did. Dan got by before they met, he could do the same if they drifted apart.

Phil ignored the fact that you could hardly call what Dan did before "getting by", because it made him guilty, and he didn't want to mother Dan anymore. Dan took advantage of the fact that Phil cared about him, and Phil was done catering to him. No matter how much it hurt to watch Dan suffer.

"No thanks, Pj. I'd have to put on pants, and shave, and shower, and eat, and hide the bags under my eyes, and I don't have the energy. I haven't been sleeping much lately." Dan mumbled, clearly uncomfortable with sharing the information.

Phil ignored the pang in his heart in response to Dan's comment, focusing on Pj's reply.

"Are the nightmares back?" Dan used to have frequent nightmares about dying alone, being forgotten, being worth nothing, having everyone leave and abandon him. Phil remembered the nights when Dan would crawl into his bed and cling to his shirt as he shook and cried and Phil rubbed little circles on his back. Why couldn't Phil's first love have been someone less broken? Phil had never minded in the past, but trying to move on... leaving Dan to cope by himself made Phil feel so guilty.

"I don't want to talk about it." Dan said slowly.

"You could move in with me, if you want someone to be around."

"No, Pj, it's okay. I'll be okay."

The conversation went silent for a second, before Pj spoke up again.

"You need to take care of yourself, Dan. People care about you. How are you supposed to win Phil back if you can't keep your eyes open?"

Phil's heart began to pound as he waited to see what Dan would say.

"I'm not going to win him back, Pj."

A beat of silence.

"What?"

"Phil made a decision, Pj. A decision to leave me. He obviously had his reasons, so who am I to try to convince him otherwise? It doesn't matter how much I fucking need him around. I want him to be happy, whatever it takes. Whatever. It. Takes. I'm not gonna chase him and make him choose and cause a scene. I'm a big boy, Pj. I can mend a broken heart."

Phil's attention drifted from the conversation as he thought about what Dan said. Dan wasn't allowed to say things like that. He was supposed to be moving on too, not dwelling on Phil. How was Phil supposed to forget about Dan if Dan was constantly weighing down his limbs with thick guilt?

"I'm gonna come visit you soon, okay, Dan?" Pj vowed into the phone.

"Okay, Pj."

"I'm gonna make you feel better, okay, Dan?"

"Okay, Pj."

"I'm gonna convince Phil he's doing the wrong thing, okay, Dan?" Pj voice broke. They both knew he wouldn't be able to, and Phil was insulted that Pj had even suggested it.

"Okay, Pj." Dan's voice wobbled, and Phil covered his ears as he stood up so he didn't have to hear it anymore. Phil couldn't stand hearing Dan sound like that, no matter how long had passed.

Dan was Phil's greatest weakness, and Phil was desperately trying to forget it. 

"Dan, I'm having another party tonight. Will you please come? We haven't seen your face in a long time." Pj pleaded through the phone.

Dan sighed. "Pj, I look like a homeless man. I'm pretty sure that's not the face people want to see."

"Maybe you wouldn't have to worry about that if you actually fucking took care of yourself. Phil is not the only reason to live." Pj snapped. Dan stayed silent, clutching the phone so hard he worried it might crack.

Pj sighed, speaking again. "Look, Dan, I'm sorry I said that. I know... I know you miss him. But you guys are still friends, right? He's gonna be there tonight, why don't you get cleaned up and come over and talk to him? Just have a nice conversation?" Dan contemplated it, and decided there was no good reason not to.

"I'll come, Pj, but if people start yelling about your house being haunted, it's not my fault." Dan exclaimed, hanging up.

Dan took a quick shower, his first in weeks, and shaved his face, then used makeup to sloppily cover up the prominent circles under his eyes. He looked exhausted (he was) and his face was gaunt, so he put on his baggiest clothes to contrast his pale, skinny body and slipped out the door.

When he arrived at Pj's house, he sat in his car for 15 minutes, debating if he should come in. Eventually, Pj texted him that he could see Dan's car through the window and he better get his ass inside, so Dan slammed his car door and stomped up the front steps into Pj's welcoming arms.

"You've lost weight," Pj murmured as he wrapped his arms around Dan's frame. Dan said nothing, clenching his fists in Pj's shirt as he rested his head on his shoulder. When he pulled back, he saw that he got his makeup on Pj's shirt.

"Sorry," Dan muttered, attempting to wipe it away. Pj stared at Dan's face for a long while before he licked his thumbs and wiped the rest of Dan's makeup away, exposing the purple bags under his eyes.

"You don't have to hide, Dan. We're all friends. We all support you. You never, ever have to hide." Dan stared at the ground, twisting his hands in his shirt.

"I don't want him to change his mind because he pities me." Dan mumbled, not looking up.

Pj sighed, taking Dan's hands in his own. "I don't think he's going to- you know, change his mind. I've talked to him so many times, tried to convince him to give the two of you another chance, tried to convince him to reach out to you, text you at the very least, but... he hasn't, has he?" Dan shook his head, tears pricking at his eyes.

"It's okay, Pj. It really is. I just need to get ahold of things, move on. Let's just go inside, okay?" Pj was silent for a second before he nodded and dropped one of Dan's hands, still clutching the other as if he thought Dan might simply crumble if he let go.

"Okay, Dan. Let's go. Let have a good. Ass. Time, okay?" Dan nodded, allowing himself to be pulled along by Pj. Dan knew he wasn't going to have a very good time at all, but sometimes lying to himself did wonders.

Very few heads turned when they opened the door, for which Dan was very grateful. He didn't feel like explaining why he looked as if he'd been hit by a train, and he knew that if most of the people here saw him, they would ask.

Pj led him over to a couch in the back of the room and sat down next to him, even though he normally roamed around, and it was his party.

"You don't need to sit here with me." Dan said, playing with Pj's fingers that were still gripping his own.

"I don't mind to, Dan." Pj answered. So they sat, and observed the party from their perch in the back of the room.

They exchanged comments about the activity swirling in the room around them until Pj looked to Dan's left and swiftly pulled Dan onto his lap.

"Pj-" Dan protested, attempting to turn his head.

"Shh," Pj prompted, guiding Dan's head to the junction of his neck and shoulder. "I don't think they know it's you. Just keep your head here until they leave." Dan suddenly understood, and squeezed Pj's hand that was somehow still holding his.

"You're a good friend, Pj." Dan whispered.

Dan didn't know what was happening, but he assumed that Phil shot Pj a questioning look, because Pj patted his back and said, "Yeah, he's pretty drunk." Phil giggled, his arm brushing Dan's and sending tingles down his spine.

"Who is that?" Phil asked, obviously drunk.

"Old friend from college." Pj shrugged, shifting Dan's head with the gesture. "He was in town for the weekend, thought I'd invite him over. I'm starting to regret it, though. He's quite a touchy drunk." Pj raised his hand, still holding Dan's, as proof, and Dan nuzzled his face into Pj's neck to help sell the act.

Phil laughed again, bumping Pj's shoulder with his own as best he could. "I feel that," Phil said, sighing. "Dan was a touchy drunk, used to drive me insane. Alex, though, he just likes to grope."

Pj let out an obviously forced chuckle, but Phil didn't seem to notice.

Phil's attention momentarily drifted as Alex whispered in his ear and motioned towards the dance floor. Phil giggled, beginning to stand.

"Well, we're gonna go dance. Have fun with your clingy drunk, but don't forget to enjoy the party, Pj." Phil sang, hopping off the couch. Dan shifted on Pj's lap as Phil and Alex vacated the space next to him, and Dan raised his head only when he was sure they were gone.

Avoiding Pj's gaze, he pulled his hand from Pj's and got to his feet, excusing himself to the bathroom. He had made it halfway across the room when the music died down and was replaced by a loud shout.

"Hello, everyone! Can I have your attention, please?!" The room quieted down accordingly, and Dan paused by the front door to see what was going on. He had a perfect view as the small microphone was handed to Alex and he took it in one hand, retrieving a small velvet box in the other.

He got down on one knee in front of Phil, and held out the box as he positioned the mic close to his mouth.

Dan stomach dropped to his feet and stayed there.

"Phil, I know we've only known each other for a few short months, but in that time, I've become sure that you're the man I want to spend the rest of my life with." Dan's attention strayed to Pj as he shot to his feet, a panicked look on his face as his eyes scanned the room for Dan. Dan turned back to Alex, who was smiling up at Phil. Phil was smiling back, a sparkle in his eyes, seeming completely sober as he anticipated what was to come. Phil used to smile at Dan like that. Dan hated remembering.

"We met at one of Pj's parties, so I thought it only fair to propose at one. Who knows, maybe we'll get married at one, too." Alex continued with a chuckle. The room laughed with him, obviously thrilled by the display.

Dan felt like he was going to throw up.

"Phil, Philip Michael Lester, will you marry me?" Phil's hands were covering his mouth, but he moved them long enough to fall to the floor and fling them around Alex's shoulders.

"Yes, Alex, yes, of course I will." Phil gushed, laughing and crying as Alex slipped a ring on his finger.

Dan knew that Phil would have said yes, drunk or not, but Dan let himself blame the alcohol as his vision swam.

This wasn't happening.

Dan took a step back, and then another, and another, until his back hit the wall behind him. Pj was working his way through the crowd and sprinted to Dan, who was sliding down the wall to the floor.

"Dan. Dan," Pj said, putting his hands on his shoulders. "Dan, I'm so sorry. I-I had no idea. I'm so, I'm so sorry."

Dan shook his head rapidly, the tears that were streaming down his face flinging off in every direction. Dan kept shaking his head, as if he could shake everything that was happening away, but Pj grabbed the sides of his face and made him stop.

"It's okay, Pj." Dan practically whispered, suddenly remembering to speak. "I know it's not your fault. I'm just gonna, um, go now, if that's okay." Dan whispered, his eyes glued to Alex and Phil still tangled together on the floor.

"Yeah, Dan, of course. Do you want me to drive you home?"

"No, that won't be necessary." Dan assured him, climbing to his feet and slipping out the door. 

From: Dan 
To: Pj 
6:32pm
What should I get Alex for his birthday? I don't know him very well.

Pj stared at the text in confusion before giving up on figuring it out and walking down the hall to the living room.

"Phil," Pj called, pausing in the doorway. "Why is Dan texting me about Alex's birthday party? He's not having one, is he?"

Phil sank into the couch, pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders.

"I don't know."

"Phil." Phil sighed, dragging his eyes toward Pj.

"I invited him to our wedding, but told him it was Alex's formal birthday party instead," Phil huffed.

"What the fuck, Phil?" Phil glared at Pj from across the room. "You need to tell him it's your wedding."

"I don't fucking have to!" Phil yelled, sitting up.

"You're being cruel, Phil! Dan has been nothing but respectful of your decision, and you've been looking to hurt him at every opportunity. Why are you treating him like this? I thought he was your best friend."

"He is!"

"Then why am I your best man? Why didn't you even tell him it was your wedding you were inviting him to?" Phil stayed silent, glaring at his feet.

"You need to grow up, Phil. You're the one winning, anyway. Tell him what he's getting himself into, or I will." Phil shook his head.

"I'm not telling him. It's my wedding. I don't have to."

"Fine. I'll tell him." Pj snapped as he turned around and left the room. "Oh, and Phil? I think it's time for you to go."

To: Dan
From: Pj
6:49pm
Alex isn't having a birthday party. It's an invitation to Phil and Alex's wedding, Phil just didn't want you to know that's what it was. I tried to talk to him and get him to tell you, but...

To: Pj
From: Dan
7:01pm
Oh

Dan pulled his legs closer to his chest, trying to take up as little space as possible. He wanted to just sleep, so he could stop feeling, but he knew that if he slept, his nightmares would come again.

There was an ache in Dan's chest that no amount of pain or alcohol or hunger or sleep could get rid of, and every thought racing through Dan's head only seemed to make it worse.

Dan thought about calling Pj, but he didn't want him to worry. Dan had felt like this before, but it always got better.

It had never been quite like this before, but Dan needed it to get better.

Eventually, Dan ran out of tears and vodka and his limbs were asleep, so he closed his eyes and dreamt of dark clouds and thunderstorms and being left all alone. 

Dan woke up in a puddle, of what, he couldn't tell. As he sat up, he saw a cloud over his head, darker than ink, dropping liquid on his skin, his clothes. As he stood, the rain increased, and Dan watched the warm liquid drip down his skin, leaving dark red streaks in it's wake.

The cloud was raining blood, and Dan found that he didn't mind.

A dark film seemed to cover Dan's eyes as he stepped forward and started to explore, the cloud following him wherever he went.

As Dan walked, he found a ladder, leading up to an edge he could barely see. In the cloud above his head, thunder started to crack as lightning streaked out and lit the planes of the wall behind the ladder.

Dan peered above him, past to the cloud, to the tippy top of the ladder, where he could vaguely make out a figure.

It was a figure he recognized.

It was Phil.

Dan put a hand on the ladder and started to climb, wiping blood out of his eyes and off of his hands as he went higher and kept his eyes on Phil.

Dan tried to call to him but couldn't speak past the blood in his throat, so he climbed instead, reaching the top in little time.

As Dan's head neared the top, Phil's figured turned and knelt close to him, a wicked smile on his face that Dan had never seen before.

Phil reached out and slowly smoothed Dan's hair from his forehead, then grabbed the top of the ladder and pushed.

Dan's cloud seemed to pour as he fell, pelting him with droplets of blood that hurt almost as much as his impact with the ground. Dan laid on his back and closed his eyes, trying to breathe.

It wasn't working very well.

When Dan reopened his eyes, he could see Phil's figure wave to him and turn, walking slowly the other way.

Dan sat up and made to follow, but stopped when he saw that the ladder was now in pieces around him.

His cloud rained harder, almost a solid sheet of blood now, and forced him to the ground, as the wind picked up and the thunder threatened to destroy his ears. He could see lighting flash behind his eyelids, and felt electric pricks to his body as it struck him.

"You're all alone, now." A voice deep in his mind said, penetrating every thought he had.

"There's no one left to care for you, notice if you're gone. Isn't that sad?" The voice continued, circling around Dan's mind and squeezing tight.

Dan let out a strangled cry, blood flowing from his mouth as he screamed.

"No one can hear you, silly! Didn't you know? You're the only one here." 

Dan woke with a scream, his limbs numb and trembling as he curled himself into a ball once more.

His arms and throat stung as if he had been scratching at them, but the ache in his chest was stronger than ever. Lying there, tears flooding his face, Dan knew he preferred the nightmares.

Because that pain- that pain wasn't real. 

Dan sat at the kitchen table, in the tux he rented for the wedding, writing out a note to Phil. Dan wanted for Phil to be happy more than anything. Dan told him so.

Dan slipped the finished note into the envelope and put a smaller note into a smaller envelope, and slipped that inside, too.

Then he turned it over and wrote Phil's name in his best handwriting.

Dan then picked up the envelope and carried it with him as he made his way outside and into his car.

On the way to the venue, a near constant stream of silent tears dusted Dan's face, but as he pulled up and parked, he brushed them away and made himself look as presentable as he could. 

He was mostly silent during the ceremony, and sat in the back, so no one would see him cry. He didn't want people to get the wrong idea and think he was crying happy tears, and he didn't want people to question why Phil's best friend wasn't up there as his best man. Or, up there at all.

Dan especially didn't want to see Phil's family. They would have too many questions he didn't want to, or couldn't, answer.

When the ceremony was over, Dan joined the rest of the guests in the reception area, waiting for the couple to sit and do speeches.

Dan desperately missed Pj's support, but he was currently giving a speech about Phil and Alex, one that Dan payed too much attention to, and wasn't there to let Dan know it was okay to feel dead inside.

When the formalities were wrapped up and it was time to dance, Dan sat at his table in the back, careful to stay just out of view of those who might approach him, and watched as the lights dimmed and person after person entered the dance floor, Phil and Alex included.

The kind old people who sat around Dan chatted lightly as he slipped a razor out of his pocket and rolled up his sleeves, just enough to see his wrists.

He smoothed a hand over his soft skin one last time before he slid the razor down his right wrist delicately, lightly, wanting to bleed out slow. He did the same on his other wrist, rolling his sleeves back down when he was done, trying not to stare at the deep red that was beginning to blossom through his shirt sleeves.

He took the note for Phil out of his pocket next and put the razor inside the smaller envelope, careful not to smear the blood on the note tucked inside.

Maybe, Dan thought, I can create my own blood cloud.

The thought made him smile.

After sitting for a few minutes, Dan got up, ignoring the blood pooled on the floor around him, and walked towards the dance floor, towards Phil.

His head felt light, as if he could already feel the blood loss, but he gave it a shake and carried on, slipping past the various members of the crowd until he came to a stop in front of Phil.

"Phil," Dan said to get his attention. Phil turned, a surprised smile on his face.

"Dan." Phil answered, scanning his face.

Dan moved forward and hugged Phil, careful not to bleed on his suit as Phil hugged him back.

"I'm very happy for you." Dan said as he stepped back. Phil have him a crooked smile as he studied his face.

"Are you drunk?" Phil mused. Dan shook his head, offering a small smile.

"I mean it, Phil. I wish you both a very long and happy life. Here, I wrote this for you." Dan said, handing him the now sealed note. "Don't read it until you get home, in private, if you can manage." Phil just smiled at him, eyes flicking between Dan and the envelope in his hand, before reaching out and taking it from him.

"Thank you, Dan." Phil murmured, placing the note in his pocket.

"Anytime, best friend."

Phil turned and left the dance floor then, and Dan continued to stand where he was, letting the blood that he had cupped in his hand fall to the floor. He stood there for awhile, looking at the people moving around him, noting the way it felt to breathe and think and feel.

Then, he turned and made his way off the dance floor, to the bathroom, stepping around the blood on the floor and letting it drop behind him as he went. 

"Did you guys talk?" Pj asked as Phil stopped in front of him.

"We had a little conversation, yeah." Pj raised an eyebrow, and Phil smiled. "He said he was happy for us, and hopes Alex and I live a long and happy life together."

Pj nodded, and Phil huffed a laugh. "See? I told you he'd come around. He just needed time." Pj shrugged, his eyebrows furrowed as he took a sip of his drink.

"Phiilll," Alex whined as he came up behind him, leaning on his shoulder. "Someone spilled something on the dance floor."

Phil sighed, making Alex lead him to where it was. Phil recognized this as where he was talking to Dan earlier, and wondered if it had been there then. He kneeled to dip a finger in it, and blanched as he realized what is was. Pj was behind him, his face as pale as Phil knew his own probably was, as he realized, too.

"Who is bleeding this much?" Phil asked, his stomach dropping as he thought about who it could be.

"Phil," Pj whispered, a panicked look on his face as his eyes darted from Phil's face to the room beyond them.

"Dan." Phil croaked, frantically searching for a trail in the blood. They followed the drops, most of which where smeared, to the entrance of the bathroom.

Inside, they found Dan curled in a ball, leaning against the wall of the stall, a small smile on his face and a message written with blood in front of him.

I hope I didn't ruin the party.

"Fuck. Fuck!" Phil yelled, stepping around the lake of blood to pull Dan out of the space.

Dan's skin was cold and pale, but Phil rested Dan's head in his lap and yelled his name anyway, shaking his shoulders, trying to get him to wake up.

Phil could hear Pj on the phone with 911 somewhere behind him, but there was a ringing in his ears that started to block out the sound.

Phil cradled Dan to his chest, a broken sob ripping out of his throat as he felt his tears slid down Dan's skin.

"He died alone, Phil. He died scared, and alone, in a fucking bathroom stall, just like all his nightmares, because you wanted to get even. Was it worth it, Phil? Is this what you wanted? To see him like this, to know he died like this?" Pj's voice was quiet and cold, quivering as he spit out his words and breaking in the places where he lost control of himself.

This was Phil's fault. He knew it was. Pj knew it was. It was impossible to ignore. Phil fought down to urge to vomit as he felt hands on his shoulders, pulling him away from Dan's body.

Phil could barely hear anything as the paramedics pronounced Dan dead and wheeled him to the ambulance, but he felt the slice of Pj's tear stained glare as he followed them out.

He barely registered Alex coming to retrieve him, and tell him Dan was selfish, and put him in the car, and drive him home, but he locked himself in the bathroom as soon as they arrived.

It was then that Phil remembered the note Dan had given him. He pulled it out of his pocket and ripped it open, finding a smaller envelope and a piece of paper within.

Phil opened the smaller envelope first, peering inside to find a small note and a razor blade, encrusted with dried blood.

Phil's hand shook as he cupped the razor in his palm. He read the small note in front of him without setting the razor down.

throw this away for me, will you? i don't want anyone catching me before i'm done.

Phil let out a quiet sob, careful not to alert Alex, as he dropped the razor to the carpet. His shaking hands couldn't hold it anymore.

Phil slowly unfolded the larger piece of paper and began to read, blinking away the tears that were blurring his vision so he could see.

Dearest Phil,

     I thought I was doing what you wanted. Separation, time apart, for the sake of finding each other again. We were supposed to be together again. I would take an unhappy relationship with you over none at all any day, but that's just me, I guess. If you're happy, I'm happy. If you thought it best to move on, then it was. I would never force you to do anything you don't want to do. You were, you are, the love of my life, but I can respect the fact that I couldn't be that for you. I'm not being malicious or bitter when I say I truly wish you the best. Part of loving someone is wanting what's best for them, always, and it's been made clear to me that Alex is the best thing for you. I will miss you with all my heart, but I don't want you to be sad about what I've done. It's just an opportunity for you to have a fresh start, without having to worry about me all the time. I know you wanted that, even if you didn't want to get it like this. I'm not sad about ending my life, so you shouldn't be, either. Be happy, Phil. That's all I've ever wanted for you. Live a long and happy life together, Phil. Doctor's orders.

Eternal Love,

Dan

Phil retched, clutching his stomach as his tears drenched the page in front of him.

Phil never wanted this. He never meant to take it this far. But he knew what it would do to Dan, and he didn't stop. And now Dan was dead. Phil had a happy life all lined up, and Dan was dead because of it.

Phil couldn't live with this. He knew he couldn't.

Alex knocked on the bathroom door, asking Phil if he was okay.

"I'm fine, Alex." Phil called, attempting to steady his voice.

"Listen, Phil, I know this must be hard on you, Dan meant a lot to you, but if you ever need someone to talk to-" Phil tuned out Alex's voice as he ran his hands through the carpet and gripped Dan's razor.

Phil took a shaky breath as he brought  the razor to his wrist, and had to stop himself from crying out as he sliced through his skin.

The blood was sudden and plentiful, and Phil appreciated the way it flowed and presented itself as he repeated his motions on his other arm.

He laid back on the cold tile floor and took a deep breath, feeling bad about staining the carpet, ignoring the stray tears on his face, and staring hard at the light above him until he couldn't see it anymore.

He could be with Dan now, without being guilty, and without pretending to be happy and content with what he had chosen instead.

He could just be with Dan. 

Pj was driving. To where, he didn't know. He was constantly wiping tears out of his eyes so he could see, but he let his thoughts wander to what would happen if he didn't.

He was driving faster than he should have been, but the pit in his stomach was demanding things from him that he didn't have.

He had already thrown up twice, and he couldn't remove the image of Dan's limp body that was burned into his eyes, his mind. 

Pj had been driving for a long time, and he didn't know where he was. It was very quiet in his car, and the silence unnerved him.

Pj was trying very hard not to blame Phil for what had happened. Phil was still his friend, after all. But Pj knew it was his fault. Phil had made many bad decisions that had led them here, and Pj had tried to stop him every step of the way.

And now, they were both hurting, and Dan was dead, and nobody had won. Pj couldn't help but curse Phil for not seeing where this would go. Phil knew Dan better than anyone, and even Pj had considered the risk, done his best to prevent it.

Pj's phone buzzed in the seat next to him, a call from Alex, and he didn't even need to answer it. He had a good idea of what it was. Dan and Phil had always been the die hard kind of friends, lovers, even when estranged, and Pj knew Phil would not take Dan's death lightly.

He was just waiting. For the signal, the green light.

Pj pressed the gas pedal, going impossibly faster, his mind whirring as the landscape blurred around him. There wasn't anything left for him here. He didn't want to live with the pain, the way it felt. And with Phil gone too... Pj had no remorse, no one to think about hurting if he left.

Pj's eyes scanned the empty road around him, and even though he was at peace with his decision, Pj's heart hammered in his chest as he yanked the wheel to the right. The car exploded around him as he crashed into a tree, and Pj thought he caught a glimpse of his manic smile in the rearview mirror, but then it was darkness and noise and pain, and no, not pain, agony, and Pj could no longer think or hear or see anything at all.

Life was good once, but now it was over, and Pj didn't have it in him to feel sad, or to feel anything at all, really. This was the only way he could be with his friends.

And he would do whatever it took.