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He was never able to understand how they were able to follow him into hell without so much as questioning why. Until he did.
Some people, Jean realizes with a sad hopelessness, just have that way about them.
.
It doesn't happen for him like it does the rest of them.
It isn't in his long winded deluded motivational speeches. It isn't in his reckless bravery or suicidal blue green eyes. It's not the way he bites his hand until it bleeds, the way he can take out 20 titans single handily in his monstrous form. It's not the hunch of his shoulders from the responsibility he carries, and it's certainly not in the way he tucks his father's key down the front of his shirt or tightens the belts around his legs.
There's a lot of things it isn't, but could have been.
No.
Jean realizes he's in love with Eren when he's on his knees, arms chained and stretched open to the side. Jean's rendered useless with the way the blood's pouring down Eren's face, tears cutting a pathway through them.
He is, for lack of better words, shook, shaken to the core with the very...human expression on Eren's face. The look of someone who has and would and will continue to lose it all for the good of humanity. Someone whom- yes- sure was a violent suicidal bastard but this....
There's no explanation for the fumbling of his heart and his fingers as he uselessly pulls on the chains.
His brain has shut down all logical thought and is nothing but a mantra of
ihavetosaveeren ihavetosaveeren I have to save Eren.
It's not until much later does he realize he wasn't thinking just about the chains.
.
There's a saying- he's not sure whom he heard it from- Maybe Sasha or Connie- something along the lines of once you've seen it, it cant be unseen.
Once he's seen Eren like that. He cant see him in any other way. Even now, the boy is standing a few feet away from him, completely devoid of blood, and smiling for god's sake- and still...still..
Jean knows he's lying.
But god that smile is blinding.
.
Armin notices somethings amiss first, which Jean isnt sure if this surprises him or not. Armin is one of the smartest people remaining, so it's not that it's shocking that he kind of figured it out. He just sort of thought since Mikasa had a bloodhound nose when it came to Eren that he'd be receiving death glares long before someone actually called him out on it.
“You don't think he's such a suicidal maniac any more do you?” Armin says softly.
“No.” Jean says firmly, eyes staring towards him hard. “He's still a suicidal maniac.”
“So is the difference you just wish he wasnt now?”
“I never wanted him to die.” Jean says, and is surprised by how true that statement is. Even in training, even when they were fist to fist, dirt to face, angry angry angry, he never once wanted Eren to die.
“But it's different now.” Armin says voice firm.
“Yeah.” Jean says unable to give him any more. “It's different now.”
.
Somewhere along the lines Jean wonders if he's destined to love people who are always out of his grasp. He stares at his drawing of Eren on the paper before him.
“It's a good drawing.” Connie says casually, making Jean nearly jump out of his skin. He had no idea the other boy had come up beside him.
Jean stares at the drawing of Eren on his paper and shakes his head. “I cant get his eyes right.”
“They look good to me.” Connie offers with a shrug of his shoulders.
Jean bites back his smart comment and frowns, brow furrowed as he erases the last few marks he made.
He'll never be able to capture that intensity. He's never possessed it.
.
Jean lays in his bunk that night staring up at the cot above him.
He wonders if Marco was still alive, if he would have seen this coming.
Marco- Jean thought- was by far the most insightful.
He wonders what kind of face he would make when he managed to the nerve to tell him,
I think I may have love for Eren.
He wonders if Marco would have smiled, kindly, like he almost always did, and say
I was wondering when you would realize it.
Jean's voice feels loud in the quiet of the room, cracking on its way out and yet still barely a whisper.
“Hey Marco... what do I do now?”
His heart thuds heavily in his chest, and it feels so loud in the quiet and still room. He half expects Connie or Sasha or someone to hear him, and mummble shut up or go to sleep. But nobody does.
Silence is his only answer.
.
He still fights with Eren, though it's different than it use to be. He fights with him because he's genuinely worried about him - he has dreams of Eren rushing to his demise at the hands of Reiner or one of those other bastards- and he's not capable of expressing it normally because for god's sakes it's still Eren.
But there's something about the way that Eren's left hook connects with Jean's jaw that makes Jean swoon, and he wonders briefly if he's mental and why has no one stopped the argument? When his eyes meet Eren's for a moment, he's certain the smaller boy is thinking something close the same thing.
So when Levi kicks Jean, and punches Eren so hard they both end up losing the contents of their stomach all over the floor, and are put on a very tight order of cleaning duty.
Jean wonders what it would feel like to be able to touch Eren that didn't involve his fists. He closes his eyes as he squeezes the water out of the rag he's holding and allows himself to think- maybe somewhere else- that could have been something.
.
It's Mikasas who comes for him next, a few weeks after they've learned Eren cant live past 23, She's not doing very well. She's much to thin, and far to pale, but Jean still think's she's beautiful in her flaw-fullness. Somehow though, he's not a big stuttering mess when she asks to see the drawing he did of Eren that Connie told her about.
He meerly pulls it out from his strew of poorly bound papers- he knows exactly where it is because it haunts him the most- and hands it to her without a word. Mikasa will see the failure of it. But she'll probably appreciate it more than Connie did. Or maybe she'll punch him, that's also a very real possibility.
He goes to tell her that he knows it isnt that good, when he hears the breath catch in her throat. His startled eyes meet her dark ones, and he's surprised to find her eyes glazed over with tears. But the most surprising fact of all is the fact that when she throws her arms around his neck and sobs into his clavicle- he joins her- his own sobs wracking his slim frame.
.
“Are you ever going to tell him?” Sasha says stealing his bread from him and promptly shoving it in her mouth.
Jean wishes he could grumble about it, but his energy has just been so low lately he cant find it within him to care all that much.
“No.” He says.
His feelings are his to clench behind his teeth and tremble across worn parchment on nights when he cant sleep. They are his alone to burden, Eren has enough guilt bearing on his shoulders without adding rejecting Jean to the list of things that could never be.
“Is it that obvious?” He says finally.
“Only to the ones that care.” Sasha says, and he's not sure if that's a means to comfort him or not.
.
Eren's twenty two.
And they are so close to being done, it's scary. They've crossed an ocean to end up right inside the enemy's quarters. Jean's done some things he never imagined he'd do. He's killed a human being. He's killed many human beings. He's killed a child.
Connie fell to Titans.
Sasha to captivity.
(She starved to death, and the thought keeps Jean up at night.)
And on top of that, they lost Mikasa completely.
Eren's hair is long, and his face has stubble along his jaw and he's mature now in a way that makes Jean's chest ache with longing, though if it's longing for this to be over or something else, Jean will never be sure.
“She's how we were able to get into Marley.” Eren says from the wall where Jean and he currently stand. “I don't know how. But I know she did it.”
Jean nods, though he's not sure Eren's really paying attention to him anyway.
“The night before she disappeared... I heard her tell Levi. “I don't want to be like you.” I didnt...understand that at the time. Levi has survived it all. But thats when I realized it, he's always the last one standing, always having to rebuild his team- the lone person who makes it out the fight.”
He runs a hand over his face, his voice cracking like it hasnt in years. “She spent all that time worrying about out living Armin and me, that she went ahead and got herself killed.”
“You don't know she's dead.” Jean says, though he doesnt think Eren's wrong.
“I cant feel her anymore.”
Jean wants to tell him you never stop feeling them. Marco burns in every fire he sees, Connie's laughter in every silence, Sasha in every piece of food he eats, and Mikasa in every dark cloudless sky- but the words- just like their comrades- die before getting the chance to come out.
“Lets finish this Eren.” He's pleased his voice doesnt sound like a plea- even though he knows it is one. “Let's finish this so we can put the dead to rest.”
“Jean..” Eren's voice is smooth and it makes his knees quake, but he directs his gaze into those beautiful- beautiful eyes of his.
“Yeah?”
“I'm really----” He clears his throat as if he thinks better of something before continuing. “I really like who you've become. I'm glad I had you here doing this with me. All of it.”
Jean nods. He's grown up with Eren. He's grown into love with Eren. He would do it all over again.
“It's worth it.” Jean says firmly, and he's at least comforted that Eren doesnt know he's talking about him.
“Yeah...it is.”
His conviction was always beautiful, even when it was uncomprehendible.
.
The last year of Eren's life is painful. His body loses its ability to regenerate yet somehow, he still manages to keep his life as the last piece of the walls crumble and the world is once again, theres.
Jean never thought he'd see the day.
Armin is crying. And Levi is crying. And Hange is crying.
And even though they arent there he can feel his mother crying, and Historia crying-
He can feel Marco,Connie,Sasha, Mikasa, Thomas, Mina, Hannes-
Every solider he's ever known, or see in passing-
Everyone is crying.
It's not a loud sound, tears just rolling down everyone's cheeks as they stare towards the sun.
“It wasnt...in vein.” Levi's knees give out beneath him and he slumps to the ground, and like dominoes, the remaining soldiers follow suit.
All except Jean...and...
Jean turns to face Eren who is watching the display with the same fascination, his cheeks surprisingly tear free. Jean takes a moment to allow his heart to unclench that he's not defective for not crying- only to have his heart to leap into his throat as he watches the blood drip down from Eren's mouth as he smiles.
It's a truly horrific sight, watching the blood pool out of his lips as he falls to his back limbs twitching sporadically. His eyes roll back in his head and Jean's vaguely aware of Armin screaming Eren's name.
And all Jean can think is This can not be how Eren Jeager dies...
.
The most Hange can tell is it's the Power of the Titan- that since his 23rd is approaching, his human body is simply shutting down. His ability to regenerate long since effective- this isnt suppose to be surprising.
They're still surprised.
Even Captain Levi's face twists into a soft agony as he watches blood pour out of Eren's mouth every time he coughs. Jean doesnt think it's an exaggeration when he realizes this is the hardest thing he's had to watch (and he's watched people be devoured for the vast majority of his life.) He thinks now maybe he understands why Mikasa did what she did, he's not sure he wants to be alive to watch this either.
Eren Jaeger doesnt fucking deteriorate.
The tears that eluded Jean earlier, find their way down his face now with vengeance.
.
“He's asking for you.” Armin says.
Jean doesnt want to go because it sounds to much like a goodbye.
“yeah...ok.”
Each step down the corridor to Eren's room feels like a death sentence, and perhaps it is- just not for Jean.
He opens the door and is surprised to see Eren's hair cut to when he first met him, his face smooth and void of stubble. It's funny how the change makes the years peel off of the boy in front of him and all of a sudden Jean feels like he's 15 again.
“Hey.” The greeting is so insufficient to how he's feeling, he wants to kick himself.
“Hey horseface.”
Jean's voice cracks as he responds without even batting an eye “Shush you suicidal bastard.”
“Come here.”
Jean does.
“I'm...not afraid of dying.” Eren says moving his gaze away from Jean's to stare up at the ceiling.
“Were you ever afraid of anything?” Jean asks without really thinking about it.
“I am afraid of one thing.” Eren says softly. “Two..actually”
Jean wants to ask him what they are- but Eren continues before he has the chance. “When I was younger... I never...I never said I love you to my mom before...” a cough breaks his sentence and when he covers his mouth Jean watches as the blood flows freely between his fingers. The coughing fit passes and Eren merely wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, blood staining his face as he continues, “I always regretted it. So.”
His eyes burn with a renewed fire as he wraps his blood stained fingers around the back of Jean's neck, fingertips pressing in firmly. “Forgive me okay?”
Than he presses his lips to Jean's. Jean thinks his heart stops as his mouth moves in sync with Eren. He always imagined that if they ever kissed, it would be to much teeth and way to fast to be anything pleasant. Eren kisses him with the slow mature confidence of a well practiced lover, and as his calloused knuckle brushes across Jean's cheek- he cant contain the tiny sob that slips from his mouth into Eren's.
When they break apart, Jean is crying and all he can think of is Eren tastes more metallic than anything and he shouldnt be telling him this now- not when he's- not-
“You rat bastard I---”
“I know.” Eren says nodding. “You don't have to say it, I know.”
“I love you.” Jean whispers. “Please don't leave me.”
“That was the second thing.” Eren says collecting Jean into his arms. “I don't think I have a choice.”
.
When Jean wakes up, hes in the arms of a corpse.
And his smile is still blinding.