Archive of Our Own

Elizabeth watched Anya as she walked through the double doors and out of the school. Amazing how she'd changed so much since last year, she thought. Watching her confident stride, her genuine smile as she waved to someone, it was hard to see the quiet, mousy girl she'd been.

"There you are, Liz," said Sean, from behind her. "You weren't at your locker."

"I waited for five minutes. I thought you'd left already." She hated that whine in her voice that always seemed to surface when Sean was displeased with her. Hopefully he hadn't noticed.

"I should have. Next time I will."

"I'm sorry, Sean."

"Yeah, you should be." He walked out of the school and she hurried to keep up with him. He was angry with her, and it was her fault, as usual. But as they walked to the parking lot he slung an arm around her, and that made her fears evaporate. She was the basketball star's girlfriend and the most popular girl in school, right? Right. Everyone turned to greet them, and she smiled and waved back, happy and confident.

Elizabeth was sort of hoping Anya would call out and wave, but she didn't. Anya was walking to the bus stop with that weird friend of hers, which was kind of amazing, considering. It wasn't like Anya was popular, but she wasn't a total outcast now that she'd started actually talking to people and not just cutting class and moping around all the time. She didn't have to hang out with other losers.

Oh, God, was she becoming obsessed with Anya? She was probably becoming obsessed. Her therapist had told her she had a tendency to fixate on things, which okay, that was true, but how else was she supposed to get through life? Like, her hair didn't look perfect unless she used the salon shampoo that cost $40 a bottle, and just a little product, and then brushed it upside-down first before flipping it back over. Things didn't happen unless you made them happen. That wasn't obsession, it was attention to detail.

"Hey, it's the lesbos," said Sean as they drove by Anya and her weird friend. "Anya's got great boobs. I'd do them both together if it was dark enough."

"You'd do anyone if it was dark enough," she replied automatically, but she was thinking: Lesbians? Are they really? How could she, and not even care what other people think?

What is that even like?

What would it be like?

"Hey," said Elizabeth. She glanced around to make sure that nobody important was watching, then sat down on the stone bench next to Anya.

Anya looked up from her book. She looked kind of surprised. "Hey."

"So I was wondering." Elizabeth smiled, the smile she used when she was trying to placate Sean. "You seem different this year. Is it a new boyfriend?"

Anya slammed her book down. "Did Dima put you up to this? I'm going to kill him. Wait, you don't even know Dima, do you."

"Dima?" Anya was right, Elizabeth didn't even know Dima, whoever that was. This was not how she'd thought the conversation would go. Anya would have been coy, said something like, "Along those lines," and Elizabeth would have said, "A new girlfriend?" acting all cool and accepting, like it wasn't a completely eccentric thing to have a girlfriend. She didn't like it when conversations didn't go the way she expected. It meant she had to improvise, instead of having everything figured out in advance.

"Never mind."

"No, that's okay. I just – you just seem happier now." She had almost said, I just like you better this way, and that would have been a terribly inappropriate thing to say, wouldn't it. It wasn't as though she liked Anya. (Except that she sort of did.)

Anya turned toward her, and for an unsettling moment it was like she was looking right through Elizabeth, like she was looking at someone else who wasn't even there. "No, you know what it was? I used to feel like I was different from everyone else and hated it. Then I, um, met someone who I thought really liked me, and I did a bunch of things to please them because being with them helped me look like I was normal, okay? Except I was doing everything they wanted, but you know what? They didn't even like me. They just wanted me to be a certain way so they could get what they wanted. I got them to go away and now I can just be me."

Elizabeth frowned. Was she talking about her weird friend? Except she hadn't gone away; Elizabeth saw them together all the time.

– met someone who I thought really liked me –

– did things to please them –

– so they could get what they wanted –

Wait, was she talking about Sean? About her and Sean? Was she trying to give Elizabeth relationship advice? Anya had been there, at the party. She'd seen her covering for Sean. She'd looked horrified – she'd asked Elizabeth why she kept watch while Sean got a blowjob from Amber in the bathroom.

Elizabeth had been mortified, but now she was just angry. How could Anya be so obtuse? She didn't realize how important it was to have the right boyfriend. To have people see them together, to know that she was Sean's girlfriend. And she loved him, didn't she?

– didn't even like me –

"I'm sorry," she said stiffly. She wanted to cry, but she couldn't do that in front of Anya. "I should have known someone like you wouldn't understand."

Anya looked confused and embarrassed and upset all at once. "Someone like me? Understand what?"

"It's obviously not important." She stood up and dusted off her uniform skirt. "See you around."

She didn't even try to sound sincere. She never wanted to see Anya again.

"What is it with you, Liz?"

She blinked and looked up from her lunch. Sean was scowling at her. "What?"

"You haven't heard anything I've said in the last five minutes. It's like you don't even care if I'm captain this year."

He was right that she hadn't been listening. She was thinking about Anya, and the awful thing she'd said last week when Elizabeth was just trying to be nice. She'd tried to forget it, to move on, like her therapist said she should. But she couldn't keep Anya out of her thoughts.

She smiled brightly at Sean. "Of course I care!" If Sean was captain of the basketball team in his senior year, that would make being his girlfriend much more prestigious. But he was still frowning, so she put a placating hand on his arm. "I thought the coach picked you to be captain already?"

Sean rolled his eyes. "Duh. But the team needs to vote on it, and Dylan's talking trash about me. I guess he thinks he ought to be captain."

"Brooke's boyfriend Dylan?"

"Yeah. Maybe you should talk to Brooke, see if maybe she can get him to back off."

"What's he saying?"

He shrugged. "You know, the usual."

"The usual. You mean, he's saying that you got Brooke drunk at Preston's party and felt her up?" Elizabeth heard her voice go brittle and sharp. "Because you did get Brooke drunk, and you totally felt her up."

"She wasn't complaining at the time." He bent close to her ear and kissed her cheek, then whispered, "You weren't complaining at the time."

Elizabeth swallowed. In her left ear she heard Sean, murmuring that it was okay because she hadn't objected, that neither of them had objected, but in her right ear she heard Anya. They just wanted me to be a certain way so they could get what they wanted. I got them to go away and now I can just be me. It was like some kind of weird stereo effect, half in reality and half in memory.

"So you'll talk to Brooke, okay?" He grinned at her, that easy grin she'd fallen in love with. "Or maybe you can talk to Dylan. Let him feel you up, maybe he'll give it a rest."

She felt her mouth forming the words. Sure, Sean. Of course, Sean.

– didn't even like me –

Across the room, a girl with dark hair got up from her table and walked to the trash cans to dump her leftovers. Anya, thought Elizabeth, but it wasn't Anya, just some other dark-haired girl.

"What do you say?" said Sean.

Elizabeth took a deep breath. "Talk to Brooke yourself." She was faintly surprised to hear herself actually say the words, but once she'd started, she couldn't stop. "Or maybe you can talk to Dylan. Let him feel you up."

"Come on, Liz." His voice had that dangerous edge to it. "Don't you want to be the team captain's girlfriend?"

She stood up, a bit shakily, pulled Sean's class ring off her thumb, and set it down in front of him. "Not if it means being your girlfriend," she said. "Also, I hate being called Liz." Then she walked away, hoping she would manage to leave the cafeteria before bursting into tears.

Anya was eating her lunch outside on the same stone bench where she sat all the time. Fortunately she was alone; Elizabeth felt uneasy enough without having to deal with her weird friend.

"Hey," said Elizabeth, dropping down onto the bench beside Anya.

"Hey?" Anya looked wary, and Elizabeth couldn't blame her.

"So I wanted to say that you were right. Thanks for making me see how toxic my relationship with Sean was, I mean, after we broke up I talked with my therapist, and –"

"Wait a minute. You broke up with Sean?"

"Uh, yeah? Like, you told me I should? Because I was doing things just because he wanted, except it wasn't what I wanted, and he didn't actually like me?"

"I didn't tell you to break up with him!" Anya picked at something in her lunch, a little box of what looked like beets and carrots. She moved them around in the box, then looked back up at Elizabeth. "Honestly, I wouldn't have the guts to tell someone like you to break up with your boyfriend. Even if you should."

"Someone like me?" Suddenly she remembered saying to Anya, I should have known someone like you wouldn't understand, and her face went hot. "Never mind. I should just go."

Before she could flee, Anya said, "I mean, I'm glad you did, he's a dirtbag and you deserve someone better. But I wasn't talking about you and him. I was talking about me and – and Emily."

It was obviously hard for Anya to even mention her name. She looked as miserable as Elizabeth felt, and oddly, that made her feel a little better. "Emily? Is that your, um. Your girlfriend? The skinny one?"

To her surprise, Anya laughed. "No, that's Siobhan, and Siobhan's not my girlfriend, she's just a friend. Emily's, well, she's...." She looked at her feet. "She's someone I thought was my friend, but was just using me, trying to make me into someone I wasn't."

Elizabeth sighed. "I know the feeling."

They sat there for a moment on the bench together in silent commiseration. You're right," said Elizabeth finally. "I deserve someone better." She looked straight into Anya's eyes.

Anya looked back at her.

It was now or never. Her therapist had said she needed to find who she really was, free of Sean's influence. And who she really was, at least at the moment, was someone who wanted to kiss Anya.

So she did.

They finally moved apart when the bell rang at the end of lunch period. "Wow," said Anya.

"Yeah," said Elizabeth. "Um, I could give you a ride home today. If you wanted."

Anya nodded. Her lips held a trace of Elizabeth's Russian Red lipstick. "That would be nice."

Elizabeth moved toward the school doors in a daze, Anya at her side. It had been strange this past week, driving by herself instead of getting a ride with Sean. He had some other girl in his car now, she was sure. Amber or Brooke or someone else, someone Elizabeth didn't know and didn't want to know. She didn't care.

She imagined what would happen after school let out. She'd meet Anya by the doors somewhere, and together they'd walk to Elizabeth's car. Sean would be in his own car, with Amber or Brooke or whoever, and he'd see them, and he'd say, "Hey, it's the lesbos."

And that was just fine with her.