Chapter Text
School is tough. Architecture is tough. Together...it's a pain in the butt.
Your tired constantly from staying up late, and nobody keeps the same hours as you; so your very lonely. You always are seeing other's work and so you begin to compare yourself to them. "Why can't I think of that?" "How can I produce something that quickly?" "What are the odds I could graduate with those marks?" You are always putting your self down.
The weather just makes it worse. Colorado is a cool place, it's home after all. But why can't it be warmer? Why can't the sky be bluer? Why does university have to be so far away from family? Why, why, why. That's all you can think about.
You sit on the couch with a mug of coffee and a textbook. Your notes are on one side, and the computer is on the other. You stare at the pages of the book, but nothing is going through you head. You are weighed down by feelings of loneliness. Looking outside your window doesn't help. All you see is the grey sky and leafless trees. No birds, no color, nothing.
You stare forlornly at the clock on the wall. 2:41 PM. In about three hours you will need to find something other than crappy microwave noodles to eat (unlikely), take the medication for your depression (as if it would help), and wander through empty corridors until you get to your class. This is your life, and you hate it. Your brothers are all away from you, your parents are at home. Your sister is doing her thing is some other city and all your friends are at their day jobs.
You wish you could talk to someone. You wish you could actually touch someone. You wish you could hear someone else's voice, and not your own. You wish you could crawl into bed with your older brother's because you had another nightmare. You wish you could grab Ruslan by the elbow and ask if he wanted to just play around with music. You wish you could sit with Nikita and talk about new lyrics. You wish you could run outside with Yan and try to find someplace new. But you can't.
You chose this life over the closeness to your family. Because you were scared of your thoughts, your feelings. Because you were scared your brothers would reject you, that your family would reject you. Because they are your brothers, not some boys you met at school, not some girls; they are your brothers.
Various emotions war within you and your vision blurs from unshed tears. You glance at the clock again, 3:30 PM. You try to calm down and focus on your work, but the pictures of unfamiliar places and structures you could never dream of building overwhelm you. The first tear falls, landing on your hand. Soon, more come, staining the book and your sobs echo within the room. You are so lonely.
Your are jarred suddenly by your phone ringing. Reaching over to the coffee table, you look at the ID; it's Nikita. You quickly wipe away the tears and try to compose your voice before answering the phone.
"Larry?" Nikita's voice seeps through the phone, and you have to bite your lip to fight another sob. "Yeah?" You croak.
"I know your about to head to your classes, but we wanted to check up on you; we haven't really talked in a while." Your older brother's voice is soft and concerned, he knows you were crying.
"I'm okay. Just, you know, the usual." He should know, you have talked before about the late hours and the hard work. "Okay, well, Yan and Ruslan are here too. They are supposed to be saying hi." The last remark was rather pointed, and was most likely followed up with a jab of the elbow. You smile fondly, remembering the tussles in the grass at the park.
"Hi Larry!" Yan's voice is several decibles louder than Nikita's and you can tell he is grinning, "Hey Yan."
"Hey Larry, how are you?" Ruslan, if possible, is even softer than Nikita's; speaking with great care. "I'm doing well enough. I miss you all." "We miss you too." He replies. "W're going out to see a movie!" Yan says suddenly. Your smile turns wobbly as you think about everyone together without you.
"Oh. Well, have fun?" You wince, not meaning for your statement to turn into a question. "We will-" Yan begins before he is cut off by Nikita's shushing. " 'larion? Please facetime us when your done with your lectures. Okay? We want to see you."
"I'll try." You say simply. You may very well just not call them, then make some bogus excuse about how you had left over homework. "Do or do not there is not try! Larry, we know how hard you work, there is no way you would have any homework left after 12 AM. Please do call us!" Great, Yan knows. You give a sigh of defeat, "Okay, I will call."
You try to contain your smile as you hear Yan cheer with happieness. "We know you have to go soon, so we will leave you to your work." Ruslan says. "We love you." Nikita says, startling you; it has been a while since you heard that phrase. Trying to keep a lid on your swelling heart is hard as Ruslan and Yan chorus Nikita's statement.
"I love you guys too. See you later tonight." You whisper. "See you then little brother," comes Nikita's reply.
You end the call and let the phone drop to you lap and onto the textbook. You smile faintly at the dark and empty room. Your not so alone any more.