Chapter Text
Tony thinks that there should be some kind of Norse God Crisis Centre.
Or an Asgardian Helpline.
Even just a little booklet entitled “Everything You Need to Know about the God of Thunder that Lives in Your Attic”.
Tony thinks it would benefit him greatly.
Because one minute Thor is all ‘Never, I could never marry a mortal, Stark! Have you no idea of how my father would react?” and now he’s all like “Of course I am going to marry Dr. Foster! She is carrying my child!”
Tony tried to take the time and explain to Thor about this thing called abortion or even just disappearing to Asgard for like, half a century but that ended in a thunder storm that nearly flooded New York and Thor yelling that he would never abandon or murder his own child. So Tony drank his own weight in scotch, got incredibly drunk, even by his standards, and paid a certain solider’s room a little visit that resulted in Tony waking the next morning with a hangover, a hard-on and what felt like a dislocated shoulder.
“I hope this isn’t going to cause any trouble.” Jane says uncertainly as Thor gathers her belongings in his arms, preparing to bring them to their newly shared bedroom.
Tony forces a smile and waves a dismissive hand in her direction.
“Of course not.”
Jane smiles nervously and tucks a loose strand of hair behind her ear, looking at Tony almost shyly.
“I mean, I know it’s not ideal what with all your top-secret superhero business but it’s just until we get on our feet and my flat was just like, way too small and Darcy was always coming over to stay and-”
“And he said that it’s fine.” Natasha interrupts impatiently.
Jane glances at her, startled and Natasha forces a smile like a grimace before returning to the bowl of noodles before her.
“It’s no trouble at all.” Tony says in a more reassuring manner.
Jane exhales loudly before nodding, a warmer smile softening her features.
“Good. That’s good.”
…
“I don’t like her.” Natasha decides once Jane and Thor have disappeared.
“That’s because you don’t like the idea of another woman living with us.” Tony sighs as he throws himself back onto the sofa.
“No, it’s because she giggles and smells nice.” Natasha says around a mouthful of noodles.
“So, in other words it’s because she acts like a girl?” Tony asks.
Natasha chews thoughtfully before nodding.
“Uh huh.”
Tony shrugs his shoulders.
“Whatever. It won’t be for long anyway.”
“That’s what you said about Bruce and now he lives in your basement.”
Tony thinks that another booklet should be produced; “How to Deal with the Green Man that Hides in Your Basement.”
And “How to Live with the Russian Spy that Clogs Your Shower Drain with Hair.”
“I should start charging rent.”
…
“Are you sure Tony doesn’t mind?” Jane asks for the thousandth time as Thor unpacks her belongings.
Thor takes yet another deep breath and counts to ten in Elvish before offering her his most charming smile.
“Of course not, Tony Stark is a friend. He would never have agreed to this if he had a problem with it.”
Jane wrings her hands anxiously and chews on her bottom lip. Thor sighs and drops the box in his hands, not missing the way Jane winces as whatever was in there rattles noisily. He steps towards her and wraps his strong, safe arms around her.
“This is not for long. Soon we shall have our own home. I promise you.”
…
Tony is just about to play his favourite adult movie (no hate, he needs to wind down, ok?) when JARVIS alerts him of an uninvited guest.
“It is the brother, sir.”
Tony groans loudly and runs a hand over his face.
“What brother, JARVIS?” He snaps, his head literally fried.
“Loki of…well, technically of Jotunheim but I am almost certain that he still refers to himself as being of Asgard. I will research that right away, sir, but he is standing on the roof, refusing to leave until he meets with Thor.”
Tony wants to scream. He literally wants to break glass with only the octave of his scream. He swallows hard before making his way to his feet.
“Ok. I am going to go meet with the Prince of Showing Up Without an Invite and I want you to tell Thor, alright, JARVIS?”
“I believe his correct title would be Prince of Asgard or rather, the Rightful King of Asgard.” JARVIS quips.
Tony curls his hands into fists and smiles blithely.
“I frankly do not give a shit. Now get, Thor.”
“Really, sir, I feel that your tone is a little unnecessary.” JARVIS says in a rather annoyed voice.
“Jesus, not now, JARVIS. Just wake Thor.”
“Please.”
“Pardon?”
“Please. Is it too hard to-”
“JARVIS!”
…
Loki paces about atop Stark Towers like a madman.
Or a madGod.
Or madDemigod if people want to get technical about it.
Point is, he’s pacing and he is mad.
Oh yes, Loki is furious.
He snarls at nothing in particular and continue to stalk about the roof like a panther, ready to launch himself at the first Avenger that dare try and cross his path. His temper does not improve any better when a rather sleepy looking Thor makes his way onto the roof, a petulant look upon his face.
“What is it that could not wait, brother?” Thor calls as he steps out.
Loki can see Stark waiting by the door, a determined look on his face, as if he is just waiting to be given the opportunity to fight him.
“You’re betrothed to the mortal? To that sack of meat?” he hisses, spittle flying everywhere.
Thor looks wary as he steps closer.
“Loki, now is not the time for this conversation.”
Loki looks at him incredulously.
“Oh? And when do you suppose you might afford to schedule me in, brother? You have not returned to Asgard in nearly two moons, when do you propose would be an appropriate time for this conversation?”
Thor glances back at his friends nervously, all of the Avengers having gathered by the windows now, Jane included.
“Perhaps a time when we do not have an audience, brother.”
Thor is pleading with him now and that proves to only infuriate Loki further.
“Why? Ashamed of me, are you? Ashamed of how you feel?” he growls.
“Loki…”
…
“What do you think they’re talking about?” Natasha wonders aloud.
“Probably something along the lines of ‘did you take my magic book? I swear I left it in my room.’ And Thor’s all like ‘hey, Dad gave me that first. It was mine before it belonged to you.’ Something like that.” Clint says in a bored voice.
Jane furrows her brow as the Avengers snicker.
“It looks more serious than that.” She breathes, watching the way Loki almost seems to be baring his fangs at Thor.
“JARVIS, can you turn on the outside microphones?” Tony calls.
“Please.” JARVIS sniffs.
“Jesus Christ, please.” Tony snaps, rolling his eyes.
JARVIS was getting too big for his boots if you asked him. They waited a moment before the sound began to filter in.
“…must take me for some sort of fool, brother. I know why you avoid Asgard.” Loki snarls.
“I’d fucking avoid it too if you were my brother.” Clint mutters.
“Loki, that is most unfair! Things have been a little… chaotic here on Midgard. I have had no choice except to stay here.”
“Free to leave any time, Thor.” Tony breathes.
“I know that you stay because of that woman and because of what has nestled itself in her stomach!”
Jane feels a shiver run down her spine at Loki’s words and the anger that seems to drip from them.
“He sounds delighted to be an uncle.” Clint sighs.
“What do you propose I do, brother? I cannot abandon my child. I would never abandon one of my own children.”
Loki’s soft laughter makes their hairs stand on end.
“You swear it? Swear you would never turn one of your children away?” Loki demands.
Natasha raises an eyebrow.
“I don’t like where this is going…” She whispers.
“Of course not, Loki! Why would you ask such a thing? I shall love my child.”
Tony thinks that the amount of crazy in Loki’s eyes is too much for one God to carry.
“Good then, brother. Because I too carry the seed of the Mighty Thor.”
“What?” Both Jane and Steve shout at the same time.
“Told you.” Natasha sighs as Clint begins to laugh hysterically.
Tony leans against the kitchen counter and stares out at Thor who looks as though he is about to throw up.
Tony decides he needs another booklet: “Everything You need to Know About the God of Thunder of Thunder That Lives in Your Attic and Impregnates His Mentally Unstable Brother Whilst in a Supposedly Monogamous Relationship With a Woman Who Already Had Issues With Men.”
Yup. Tony’s life would be so much better if he had one of those.